Ooops. I drank two cups of laxative tea yesterday. XD
They hit me last night, sort of, and I thought it was strange...until I woke up today. I'm fucking running to the restroom every 15 minutes.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

ugh. Ugh. Ugh.
I was good, all day, until dinner, when I got drunk and ate...A LOT. At least a thousand calories, if not a bit more.
Though, thinking rationally, I suppose it's not too terrible. I didn't go over 1,500 calories, so I know there shouldn't be a major weight gain. But there will be no weigh loss.
I've forgiven myself. It's for the best; now my family won't think anything, and it'll help with my metabolism. I've decided to push my date back a bit; I'll lose two pounds by Wednesday instead of tuesday. Cigarettes and energy drinks abound. ;)


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2 lbs!

Sooooooo, I have two days to lose two pounds. I don't care if it's water, shit, muscle, fat, whatever. Seeing how things have been going, I should be able to do it. Laxative tea, hullo. Mostly liquids for the next two days. May have to a eat a bit tomorrow since its easter but I promise I'll be good. :3 for the next two days! I'll let you know my progress.

Back

I'm back!
It's bittersweet, of course. It is sad that I
Have to come back; but it's happy that I have a place to go when I need it. I've lost 10 pounds in the last two weeks after gaining ten pounds. I went back to being an omnivore. *glares* I'm back to vegetarianism. I haven't been conscious of my eating. I didn't do it on purpose; I didn't "force" my self to stop eating. I didn't think "IM GOING BACK TO NOT EATING, DAMMIT!" Nope, I just did. *shrugs* and I get sick pleasure about seeing the weight fall off. I get pleasure getting on the scale and seeing "158," "156", "152," "150." after spending so long at 160. I want to get down to 140, maybe 130.
I am not depressed. I am not anxious. I take my pills every day like I'm supposed to, and I'm happy. I'm not letting it take control of my life; I'm not exercising impulsively. I just don't eat that often. Sometimes I do, sometimes I'll get stoned and have some junk food, sometimes when I go out with my friends I'll get an egg sandwich. When I'm offered a piece of chOcOlate, I take it. Food doesn't scare me. I just don't seek it out. I just don't feel the desire to eat. I forget that I don't eat; I just realized that I haven't eaten all day and I don't think of it.
It gives me a sense of control, I think, but not a sense of punishment. I don't hate my body. I'm comfortable in it, I'm happy with it. I just want to be skinnier. When I eat a lot, I don't get upset; it helps with my metabolism. I don't know what this is. I don't know. But I feel that right now, it's good for me.

Hello. ^_^
I know, it's been almost a year since I last posted...and so many things have happened. I started eating normally, I realized I was gay, and I was admitted to a mental health hospital nearby. I've started going out a Lot with friends and partying...and I'm actually starting college in a month! It's been a lot of up and downs. Part of me has missed this blog, and another part of me hasn't missed it at all. I've been happy...but honestly, I can feel the past creeping back on. I don't know. I don't want it to happen, but I can't help if it does. This is the only safe place I can talk about it...we'll see how life goes for me.

Well, hello. I know I haven't updated in awhile... But all I can say is, I'm glad to be back.
I went to my therapists office last week and I won't go into details, but she wants me on a 2,000 calorie diet + exercise. She seems to think that I should not try to lose any more weight. Neither does my doctor or my health teacher. They obviously can't see that I'm 150 lbs (more now, but that's for later.) and that's certainly not all muscle.
I even admitted to my friend that I have EDNOS, which was a mistake because now she's going to be watching me. SIGH. I told her that when I thought I wanted to be healthy, and I thought it was a good idea.
Anyway. I didn't eat whatever I wanted for a week. I couldn't do it, I just felt bad. (Recently my appetite has just been unstoppable, though.) However, I have been eating 2000 calories a day and exercising, thinking that would make me happier and would put a stop to my problems. But, just like losing weight does not solve your problems, neither does eating more. I don't even have the happiness of weight loss to satisfy me; I've gained 4 lbs. I used a tape measure last night and I'm about 38-30-38. Gained a tiny bit about my tum, but that's not a biggie- just half an inch. So, thank god I haven't gained too many inches. But just the fact that that four lbs is there pisses me off, whether you can see it or not. What really set me off was on monday, my friend Michele started talking about her new diet. Shes doing the Jenny Craig diet, and she shared her calorie counter book with me. She talked about how she's already lost weight. She was talking about calories, calories, calories, all lunch. I was eating a sandwich, nuts, an ice cream bar, you know, an "average" lunch. She was eating broccoli and cheese. And she would NOT stop talking about calories. I felt just awful. That bad feeling didn't really hit me until yesterday, when I "binged" to make my brain shut up. (I ate 2000 calories yesterday.) So I've made a decision; I'm going to stop trying to eat normally. Who am I trying to kid? My metabolism obviously isn't like anybody else's. I need to do what I feel is good for ME, and stop listening to everybody else. I'm doing a liquid fast for a couple of days- at least, I'm trying. I don't know how well I'm going to be able to stick to it. XD at least I know I won't have anything to binge on, since I ate all my cookies and shit yesterday! Also, I'm going to start on fiber tablets, and diuretics, again. Hopefully I'll lose these 4 lbs. And then more.
(I think that my appetite increases when I hit 150, because my body wants to stay there, and doesn't want to lose any more.) I think that when I hit 150 again, I'm going to take my vyvanse for a week straight to help my appetite NOT increase.
Now, here's the issue- I don't want my metabolism to slow down. I'm reading a book called "Fed-Up!" which talked about the hormones that control our appetite and weight, and there's one called Leptin- which is an important hormone that has something to do with our metabolism (I don't know exactly what it does...I forgot :P.) and apparently those levels drop after just 24 hours of restricting. So our bodies don't enter "starvation mode" after months of restricting- it only takes 1 day for our metabolism to slow. And I do NOT want that. So...call in the alternate day diet again. I keep coming back to that because honestly...it worked. I know, I know, since last summer it hasn't worked for me, but that's because I haven't been doing it right. So I'm trying YET AGAIN. Wish me luck...


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Really tired...really bored.
Might just take some Nyquil at 10:00 and go to sleep. Waking up early tomorrow morning to ride my bike for a few hours...then to work on my psychology project with my friend...so tomorrow is a long day. May dye my hair tonight. Maybe tomorrow night...


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I've had trouble with my eating recently. I keep eating a lot and feeling guilty and then being too sad to exercise. And so, I've decided what I must do.
One week to eat whatever I want. No guilt. No unhappiness. Exercise, of course, every day. I just need to see what happens. I need to know how it feels again. I need to eat food and reevaluate my relationship with food, and then decide what to do from there.
So, 2000-2500 calories in a day (a lot, I know!) plus 2 hours of exercise. Only until next Monday. Hopefully, by the end of all this, I'll have re-evaluated my relationship with food and exercise, and I won't feel the great need to over-eat any more, and I'll be able to eat 800-900 calories a day again. Wish me luck...


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Don't feed the hipsters.

I have several new things to say.
My weight has remained stable, unfortunately, BUT some how I have lost a lot of inches. I'm 38-29-38 now, and I just bought size 8 jeans. Isn't that weird? I must have gained a lot of muscle or something.
I always wanted to be a size 8. I said that when I got to size 8, I would feel better...but honestly, I don't. I say to myself "Well, you're not a perfect size 8, you can still wear size 10 jeans if you want. So you still need to lose weight until you're REALLY a size 8."
My best friend got mad at me because I said something about how I was sort of worried about myself, and she flipped out because she said that I take things for granted and I don't appreciate any of the things that she would kill for.
There is nothing about my body that any body would kill for. She's a size 14, and when I look at her, I see the exact same body that I have. So I have no idea what the hell she's talking about. I know my scale says 150 pounds, and my jeans say size 8/10, but I'm still fat. I mean come on, 150 lbs-that's massive. I don't care if I'm smaller than I used to be- I'm still fat. I'm going to keep working until I am a PERFECT size 8, and then I guess I'll try for a size 6. I just want to lose weight, for the love...!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I think I greyed out today...

...but I'm not sure. This morning I ate 1/2 a cup of dry cereal (60) coffee (20) 1/4 of a grapefruit (30) a piece of candy (25) and a cup of fruit juice (70). I stood up from the couch to go get dressed to go to the gym, stretched a bit and everything went fuzzy and grey. Next thing I knew, I was on my hands and knees. What the fuck? I used to getting a little light headed, that happens all the time even when I eat normally, but never in my life have I actually collapsed. All I know was that I didn't eat all that much last night, (though I DID eat!) or that much all of yesterday for that matter, but to suddenly collapse? And I'm not even thin! I'm 150 lbs- my body should be doing fine. But, as sick as it sounds, I'm sort of happy about it. In the, yay, that's right!
They just starting playing "Creep" in the gym. It must be a sign. (XD just kidding. But a lot of pro-ana girls use that song as thinspo, and I find that funny.)
Only doing 30 minutes on the treadmill at the gym...but I did 40 minutes on my bike before hand, so I guess that's pretty good.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone