Goodbye.

I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of being unhappy and comparing myself to other people. I'm fucking sick and tired of thinking that if I don't restrict, I'm weak and fat. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of having BDD and relapsing into it, and finding solace in this blog and other blogs and thinking it's okay to do this to myself. I want to recover. I want to be better. I don't want to do this any more. I don't give a flying fuck if I have a diagnosis of EDNOS or not. I don't care if I have a "real" eating disorder or not. This is retarded. I'm sick of it. I don't want to be sick. I'm sorry. I'm leaving. Call me weak. Call me stupid. Feel like you're better than I am because you are ana. But you're not. I want health and I can't fully embrace it knowing this blog is here. Goodbye.

I'm stuck.

I'm trapped. This is frustrating. I want to lose weight but I don't know what to do.
Starve? Fast?
Eat?
2000 calories today or 500? Both? Neither?
Exercise.
Thinspo.
Fat.
Thin.
Fast.
Eat.
I don't know what to do.
I'm going to die not knowing what to do. I can't stand not losing weight but I can't stand starving myself. I like food. Sometimes I eat a lot. Sometimes I don't eat enough. I don't know what to do.
I'm stuck.

I am not happy. I am fat. I am fat and I am most certainly NOT happy. I tried changing in different ways- I tried eating really healthy and not obsess and exercise everyday and where has that gotten me? NO WHERE. The only time I can remember losing weight is when I was alt fasting. And now, I just don't have the will power for it. I tried doing it and couldn't do it, as you've read, and I said "Oh well it's not healthy anyway! I'm going to be healthy from now on! Yeah!" but you know what? It is perfectly healthy for an overweight person to do. So, I'm trying again. I can't stop trying. I have protein shakes, protein bars, and cereals to help me. I WILL do this. I will find the will power to lose these pounds.
Food journal-
Breakfast
Health shake- 130
Nutrigrain bar- 130
Lunch-
1 slice of toast and cheese- 60
1 Bowl of salad- 280
Snacks-
1/2 Bowl of cereal- 100
Dinner- protien shake- 190
Totalish- 1175
Exercise- aerobics- 100
Biking- 400

Sorry I'm sort of in a rush.



- Posted from the outside world.

More weight loss! Whew. I think that this reduced exercise program is working. :D I did 45 minutes on the stationary bike yesterday, 30 minutes on the wii fit, 20 sit ups and 30 push aways. Today I'm doing 30 minutes of aerobic exercise (light impact) and 20 sit ups and 30 push aways. I felt really great last night- I followed my diet plan perfectly, except for that bag of nuts. 300 calories of just nuts! That's fucking ridiculous, but I ran out of energy at about 3 and the nuts were the closest thing. Anyway, today I packed a smaller bag of nuts in my back back so hopefully that won't happen again.

Weight Loss :)

Well, my weight has gone down a couple of lbs. That's a good sign, because that means that my weight is finally starting to drop.
My short term goal is 153 by January 11th; I'm starting my adjusted diet today, so hopefully it'll help me lose weight. I decided that I'm not going to eat under 1300 calories on any given day. I know it seems retarded, since I AM overweight and it just makes sense that the less I eat the more weight I would lose, but in the past eating 1200 calories just didn't work for me. Eating 1300-1500 calories seems to be the best way to avoid binging, and it gives me more energy to exercise.
Today I'm eating about 1300 calories.

Breakfast-
Carnation Instant Breakfast- 200
Coffee Creamer- 30
230

Snack- Fiber Bar
130

Lunch-
1 Cup Special K Cereal- 130
1/2 cup milk- 50
1 Apple
250

Snack-
Packaged nuts- 300

Dinner-
Avocado Cheese Veggie Burger- 340
Fudge pop- 40

Weight gain

I've gained more weight. I feel awful. I weigh 158 lbs. How...?
I measured myself and haven't gained any inches...40-30-40. Same as when I was 153/155. I'm assuming it's muscle, since I've been exercising so much. So I've decided that every other day, I'm going to to aerobic exercise for only 30 minutes. You know, walking, yoga, something easy. I think maybe that'll give my body time to burn off fat instead of building muscle. I'm going to keep drinking a meal replacement drink (200 cals) for breakfast but I'm going to eat 100 calorie snacks 2 times a day, and eat 400 cal meals for lunch and dinner. Sigh.
I'm so sick of gaining weight. Why am I gaining? I should be LOSING. I'm doing everything right.


I ate 1700 calories today and exercised off the 200 calories excess so I wouldn't gain. I'm going to continue dieting and exercising though, just today I need a bit of a break. I'm adjusting my diet to facilitate weight loss, and read up on the Special K diet and the Slim Fast diet, thought about what has worked in the past, and nutrition. Here is my adjusted diet plan-
(Some days 1300 calories, some day 1700, some in between.)
Breakfast- Breakfast Shake
(10:00 am) Snack- Fiber Bar/Apple
(12:00 pm) Lunch- Bowl of Cereal and yogurt
(3:00 pm) Snack- Fiber Bar/Cottage Cheese
(6:00 pm) Dinner- 500 calorie meal.
Exercise (2 hours one day, 30 min the next)
(adjust for calories)

I want these adjustments to work. I want to see the weight come off. I'm hoping that a changed exercise and diet program will work. I've begun keeping a food journal again and will start setting alarms on my phone. I want these changes to work.

Goals- get back to 150 lbs by the 28th of January.
Get to 145 by 28 of February.

Today

Forgot to do my food journal yesterday, but I can tell you that I ate 1545 calories and exercised for three hours.

Food Journal
Intake
Breakfast-
Carnation Instant Breakfast- 190
Coffee Creamer- 30
220

Lunch-
1 Kashi Chocolate and Nuts Bar- 120
1 Grilled Cheese Sandwich- 190
1/2 cup Split Pea Soup- 82.5
1 strawberry chocolate parfait- 120
512

I've decided something!
Even though I love eating a healthy, balanced diet, I really want to lose weight faster. So, on top of increasing my bike riding to 15 miles a day, I'm going to start drinking a smoothies for breakfast instead of a full meal, then eating healthy, balanced meals for my other two. my smoothie will consist of protein powder, fiber, and maybe fruit, soy milk, or some other additive for flavor.

- Posted from the outside world.