Six W's; Work will win when wishing won't.

I don't know what I'm going to do today. Yesterday was alright, but I'm sort of disappointed in the calorie total. Today, I woke up at 3:00 (like I do almost every morning) and ate a fiber fit bar (110 calories.) I really don't know WHY I ate that. I wasn't even really hungry. I guess I thought it would be fine since it was only 110 calories, but still...eep! So, today will have to be a 500 calorie day.
Breakfast-
Hard boiled egg (70)
Toast (90)
Lunch-
Apple Harvest Salad (115 calories)
Dinner-
Something below 150

Plus the granola bar I just ate, that comes out to about 535 calories.
I weighed myself this morning, and I weighed 151 again. :( I know it's not REAL weight, of course, because I would have to eat a lot more than 1500 calories to gain a pound in one day, but it was still disappointing to see the number go up. It's the weight of the food I ate yesterday and have yet to fully digest. (Hullo laxies! We meet again.) Sorry to be gross, I know you don't want to hear about that.
I'm kind of sort of proud of my body. Not because it's TOTALLY HAWT or anything like that, but simply because of how hard it's working. I'm already recovered from my operation, 2 weeks later, and I've lost 13 lbs. to boot. My hips are still a little lumpy, and my stomach still has too much fat on it, and don't get my started on the cellulite (ew.) but it's better than it used to be, and even at it's worst point, it was still pretty average (for the normal, size 12-10 american woman.)
Everything that is still a little funny about my body can be fixed with some weight loss. Sometimes I'm really hard on it, but then I come back to reality and I realize that it's really, really not that bad.
And then sometimes, my mother will say something like "sometimes you look like you're pregnant!" (yes. She actually said this, a couple of days ago to be exact.) That can be fixed with posture and weight loss. I have the tendency to stand with my pelvis rotated inward (I broke my pelvis in eight places, it does weird stuff sometimes) which results in a little bit of an exaggerated stomach. But if I stand with my pelvis rotated outward a bit (meaning backwards, straightening my spinal column), it has the opposite effect. So, basically, proper posture. (And anyway, who is she to talk? She's 200 lbs. You want to talk to me about looking chubby? I love her to death, but I really don't think she should be critisizing ME.)
Anyway, hopefully, after taking this laxitive and eating 535 calories today, I hope I will be able to get below 150 by tomorrow. Can I do it? We shall see.

Later- I was reading "Love, Veggies, and Yoga" (New blog, must follow if you love health and yoga!) and I stumbled across this quote-
"Scott's (comfort food) would be white potatoes, my mother's would be cookies, and mine would be super hot coffee. Not really a "food" but it does comfort me!"
That really hit home, because that encapsulates the idea of this blog. Why need FOOD to comfort you. I think it's a much healthier coping mechanism to comfort yourself with a walk, or super hot coffee. I'm getting better at doing that. It's not because we're WEAK, it's simply because of evolution- it's in our biology to want simple carbs and sugars, and those things make us feel better. But, I believe that every one of us has the ability to over come these primitive desires and use our BRAINS to figure out a different way to comfort ourselves.

Well, I believe that at the end of the day today, my net caloric intake will come to about 1100 calories. :/ I've been hanging out with K, who is a recovered anoretic. I don't want her to relapse, so I always feed her healthy foods when she's around, and do easy work outs with her. So, I've eaten about 1500 calories today and burned maybe 400. Well, that's alright, I suppose. Everything I ate today was healthy- eggs and toast, salad and legume soup, and for dinner I'm having shrimp and scallops with veggies and soy sauce (Wok on Wheels! Yeah!)

@Saphira and new low weight.

I've been thinking about Saphira's recent blog post about "intuitive eating" and it's inspired me to write my own blog post about that.
Saphira is so right about this- actually, this is something that his been around quite a bit in the nutrition circle. However, SOME people's "intuition" is a little off, leading them to eat less food even if they were hungry. So, a decreased appetite, basically. I don't think this is an eating disorder necessarily, but just a different survival instinct- our mind knows that if we were in the wild, we wouldn't be able to eat as much as we are. If we have a little extra, our bodies know that there's no worry about our life- we have enough to live off of. Our bodies also know what it needs and what it doesn't need- whether our stomach is empty or not. We've been brain washed into believing that we should "never allow ourselves to get hungry" and we "should be eating 2,000 calories a day" but this just isn't true for all.
(P.S.- there's a difference between this and an eating disorder. I believe that I have the former, not an eating disorder. My body knows that it has extra fat and it wants to get rid of it and build muscle- and it also knows that I don't need 2,000 calories a day to do that.)

Okay, enough of that. Yesterday I ate about 330 calories, and today, I think I'll be eating about 500 calories. Maybe 700. We'll see what happens.
I pulled of the bandage on my left side a little early and pulled the incision open a bit. That's such a shame, because I've finally been feeling well enough to do yoga. Oh well. I'm going to do yoga today, and if my guts fall out, then I'll just stuff them back in and wear a tight fitting t-shirt to hold them in.

Later-
YES! Omg. I'm so happy! I've just weighed myself and guess what? 150 lbs.! New low weight! And that was after drinking coffee, PLUS I've been lifting weights- so tomorrow, I very well may be 149. Yes! Okay. Sorry. I'm being such a spaz right now but I'm so excited!

Fast today is going well. :3 I ate 4 almonds a little bit ago...because I was craving some. But it sort of ruined the fruits and veggies fast thing. I also had gorgonzola (1 tbspn) on my salad at lunch (my mom and I ate out). It was good, but also breached the rule. Well, at least I didn't binge...and it was only 60 calories total for the things that weren't fruits and veggies. I WAS going to have 1 small apple for breakfast, 1 small apple for snack, 1 large apple for lunch, and carrots for dinner, but it didn't quite work out perfectly. Sigh. Oh well. It's not as though I ate chocolate cake or anything.
I'm still awaiting my cycle. It seems to have disappeared on me...at least I'm not having cravings any more. Cravings ruin everything! Boo. :(

Later...
Ate another salad for dinner, 1 tbsn blue cheese, lettuce, apples, and light dressing. It was wonderful.
Later on tonight, I'm going to do a cardio burn yoga workout with my friend. (hopefully) Sorry, so boring, but hey...

I am so fat...Jesus, it grosses me out just how fat I am. I didn't even realize that I was like this. But now, it's like...I see the fat on my body. Even when I look at my forearms, I can see excess fat...I wish it would just go away. As neurotic as it is, I'm certain that I gained at least 5 pounds from eating more than usual for two days. I've eaten about 1,000 calories today, which is so much better. But one day of 1,000 calories isn't going to make me lose all of this fat. My cravings have gone down significantly, lucky for me, but I'm still so dissapointed. 1700 calories for the last two days, probably. Ech. That's way too much...But! I will weigh myself soon, so we'll see the damage.
I can lose this weight. I can, I can, I can. *breathes*

Ugh. I hate being a girl.
I'm due to start my cycle in a few days, and as a result I'm totally cranky, bitchy, and I have cravings like nothing else. You know...carbs, sugar, salt...all the things that AREN'T HEALTHY AT ALL. So, I've decided, that for a few days I'm going to bump my caloric intake up to 1500. :( I don't know how much weight I'll lose (probably none) but, at least I won't be at risk of binging. I'm actually planning on eating an entire pint of ice cream at some point in time (gasp!), which will make me FEEL like a total pig, but I'm craving ice cream like crazy. I'm going to get low fat, low calorie ice cream. Maybe even dairy free ice cream. But I'll see.
I ate a little over 1500 calories yesterday, but it was all healthy foods. I exercised also- you know, streches, a few reps with my weights (5 lbs. woooo! I'm so strong! >_> <_< )
Innywho. I hope that with my plan of 1500 calories, still exercising, and eating healthy foods, I can avoid over-eating. I haven't full-on binged in a long time- maybe I have over-eaten on occasion, but honestly, who hasn't? Still...maybe I can avoid over-eating.

151.6 lbs. And wheatgrass.

Eating 1500 calories today, it's a good day.

The most boring post ever.

Well, woke up at like 7 am today with a text message from some guy that's friggin in love with me, texts me all the time, calls me every day...but I can't say "fuck off," because he's actually really nice. But he has a girlfriend. So...but whatever, that's a total digression. I've been fasting today. It's only been two hours so far, I know, but...I still feel proud of myself. I told my mom, "I feel really nauseated...I think I ate too much fried food yesterday. I just ate totally different from how I usually eat." She nodded her head and agreed. So, I got that out of the way.
I don't have anything else interesting to say. :(

Later...
I'm feeling a bit weak. It's so retarded, but I want some eggs. My brain keeps trying to justify it by saying "Well eggs are healthy! Bleh! And you didn't gain any weight so you don't really need to be fasting!"
But I'm not going to do it. I'm going to continue my fast. It's not even that difficult. *rolls eyes* I'm only fasting for one day. My body just isn't used to it, I guess. I'm going to stay strong, though. I've fasted before. I can do it again.
I didn't used to think fasting was such a good idea, but I read a lot of articles online discussing the benefits of occasional fasting, and I have to say, it makes sense. And I already feel better. (The key word here being OCCASIONAL.)

Goal weight by tomorrow- 151.5. Anything less than 152, honestly.

Even LATER...
Well, awesome. My mom took me out to a restaurant after my doctors appointment. It's not like she PURPOSEFULLY did it, but you know- it's really annoying when I'm supposed to be fasting. Even after I told her I felt nauseated, she still expected me to eat. So, I'm sitting there, scooping the cheese out of my tortilla soup (The only thing on the menu NOT fried) and my mother says "Alright, I think you're getting a little weird about your eating." Uh...what? Even somebody who ISN'T trying to fast would be disgusted by the amount of cheese they poured into that bowl of soup. I'm not kidding you, there was like half a cup of cheese in there. I do not want to feel like I'm eating spaghetti because of the sheer amount of melted cheese. But, whatever. I don't want to alarm my mother with my apparently "weird" eating. I just ate around the cheese. Well, as though that wasn't enough, my brother is visiting, and they expect me to eat dinner. Alright, fine, fair enough. My brother is visiting. I just wish they wouldn't involve food in EVERYTHING. It's like, it's not a celebration unless everybody EATS!
Sigh...Well, my calorie total today equals about the same as it does when I'm NOT fasting, so all of my hard work and self control was sort of for naught. But, I had an idea- since I was fasting for the entire day until approximately 3:00 pm, can't I fast for half of the day, tomorrow, too? And just eat one meal a day for awhile? Of course, I'll have to limit that meals total down to about 300 calories, but it's a thought- and not forever, as that's totally unhealthy, but maybe that way I can still get some of the benefits of fasting and still not raise my mom's suspicions too much? (This isn't a very groundbreaking idea, I'm aware, but it was to me- it never occurred to me that I can just fast for part of the day. I figured, all or nothing.)
I'm pretty happy about my "relevation," and I think I'll be doing that for a few days. Some how, I feel better.
And I'm hoping that, despite my fasting failure, my weight tomorrow will still have dropped. Is that too much to hope for, you think?

(Oh and- I'll be able to exercise in one week! Wooooten. :3)

Ugh, as good as my morning started off, I have a premonition that the rest of my day won't go quite as well as yesterday did. In order to NOT totally lose control and binge like a pig, I'm going to allow myself a day of 1500 calorie eating- which is normal, soooo...well, just wanted to make a quick update about that, however dumb and boring it may be.

Later- went to a japanese restaurant with my mother. Ate okay, but it was still a completely illegal amount of food. And then, I ate even more food when I get home. :/ Just going to fast tomorrow, I'll feel better. Maybe I'll fast for two days? I'm not sure. Maybe I'll just fast tomorrow, and then eat less calories the day after...meh, I'll do something. I'm DEFINITELY fasting tomorrow though...unfortunately, I have a doctors appointment tomorrow, and I'm certain my mother will want to go eat after. I'll have to make up some excuse. My stomach is full. I feel like I somehow magically got fatter. :(

152 :D Exactly 20 lbs. to go.

Yes! I was at a standstill of 153 lbs. for a couple of days there, but I'm 152.2 lbs. as of this morning. :D Wooten! That's a new low weight, and exactly 20 lbs. to go to my goal weight. I hope I'll be able to keep losing weight this fast- I know it's a lot to hope for, but it's possible! Isn't it? I'm excited to get down below 150 for the first time in TWO YEARS. I was thinking about it this morning, and really- to all the fatties out there who say that they can't lose weight, stop making up excuses. I have secondary hypothyroidism, one of the rarest thyroid disorders known to man. You want to talk to me about difficulties losing weight? I could talk all DAY about difficulties losing weight! And yet, here I am, down from 180/170 lbs. (I'm not sure...I didn't weigh myself for awhile there...but I was BIG.) No, you don't have to eat 700 calories a day (considered a "crash diet" by most nutritionists, but really considered a lifestyle by me.) to lose weight. Just stop eating so much and exercise. Seriously. It fucking pisses me off when people moan and bitch about how hard it is to lose weight.
Okay, enough of my mini-rant. Yesterday, I went out with my friend E to a consignment shop- which was the most incredible store I have EVER been to. The prices were insanely low, and the clothes were incredibly CUTE! I got some clothes, even though I didn't have to. I can't wait until I fit into smaller sizes- won't that be a dream? My calorie total yesterday stayed at 690, which I was really proud of- sometimes, when I hang out with my friends, I mirror their eating habits and over-eat. And that hard work was reflected on the scale. I also went to HEB last night and got greek yogurt and granola flakes- flakes, because I can crumble them up, and they are 120 calories for 1/2 cup, while all the other granola was 200. (I was so pissed off!) 60 calories for 6 oz. of greek yogurt, plus the 30 calories of honey, will bring that breakfast up to about 150 calories. Yay!

I have the hiccups SO BAD right now! DAMN!

153 lbs. still. :( Last night, I went to my friends house and she had made salad with roasted chicken and peach cobbler for dessert. Proud of myself that I didn't binge, but I still ate more peach cobbler than I would have liked. :( I tried to compensate a bit by walking it off afterwards, but I know that I only burned off about 90 calories. My abdomen is really sore this morning from all the walking I did yesterday- I think I may have over did it a teensy bit. But that's where ibuprofen comes in handy! :D Anyway, I'm going shopping with my friend E today (She is really thin- like 120 lbs. She's a real inspiration to me to keep losing weight) and hopefully she won't expect me to eat lunch... :P If I have to take this extra strength ibuprofen all day, my appetite is going to be totally dead anyway.
Haven't logged my food intake for the last couple of days- that's boring anyway, but whatever...Sort of went off my "every thing below 100 cals" thing this morning, but I ate all nice (meaning GOOD!) foods, so I'm not that upset about it.

3/4 cup Honey Oats and Almonds Cereal (130 calories)
1/2 cup Light Soy Milk (35 calories)

(I think I might eat some fruit later...maybe...)