I. Am. So. Happy!
Recently, I've lost more weight, right? And I was really thrilled about fitting in my size 12 jeans. Well, my size 12's were too big for me, so I figured they were old and stretched out. This morning I grabbed a pair of jeans I found in a basket left over from moving, assuming they were size 12's and slipped right into them. They fit me perfectly. Before I left, I decided to check the size because I couldn't remember buying jeans of that style in a 12...and they were size 10's! So I dropped 2 pant sizes! :-DDDDD!
Anyway...today I sort of fell of the wagon a bit. I allowed myself 1500 calories today, because I was at a friends birthday celebration, and sort of ate ice cream...technically, it was her birthday ice cream from the waiters at the restaurant, but she didn't want it and throwing away perfectly good food really annoys me. I probably shouldn't have eaten it, but it was delicious...
Tomorrow, I'm back on track towards my goal of 132 lbs! I've maid so much success, it'd be such a shame to put the weight back on.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
156!
I am happy to report that my low weight this week is closer to 155 than 160. :D!! I'm getting closer to my goal...
I've heard so many women complain about the scale and be very hostile towards it. But even when the scale tells me that I've gained weight, it's my friend. It's helping me on my weight loss journey, and in the end, I like the scale. I don't like not knowing...
The only thing I have to say, however, is I wish that the dash marks were further apart. And I want a digital scale!
I've heard so many women complain about the scale and be very hostile towards it. But even when the scale tells me that I've gained weight, it's my friend. It's helping me on my weight loss journey, and in the end, I like the scale. I don't like not knowing...
The only thing I have to say, however, is I wish that the dash marks were further apart. And I want a digital scale!
Saturday, September 26, 2009
I finished "Fat Girl" and I've started reading "Wasted." I hope it's good...
I read the books that anorexics like to read, I read their blogs, I look at their 'thispirational' pictures, I go to their websites. It's really quite disturbing. I'm not anorexic, obviously, but I submerge myself in their lifestyle. What is so sickly fascinating about it?, I wonder to myself often.
I have no idea. It just is.
Later...
I weighed myself earlier today, and I'm back down to 158. :
I keep thinking about all the things I used to eat...and my most recent failures, like when I over ate at Cici's, etc. etc. I'm ashamed of it and I promise myself it won't happen again, but I know that it will. But still, I'm down to 158 lbs. I need to forgive myself for those binges and stop being ashamed of my mistakes.
I read the books that anorexics like to read, I read their blogs, I look at their 'thispirational' pictures, I go to their websites. It's really quite disturbing. I'm not anorexic, obviously, but I submerge myself in their lifestyle. What is so sickly fascinating about it?, I wonder to myself often.
I have no idea. It just is.
Later...
I weighed myself earlier today, and I'm back down to 158. :
I keep thinking about all the things I used to eat...and my most recent failures, like when I over ate at Cici's, etc. etc. I'm ashamed of it and I promise myself it won't happen again, but I know that it will. But still, I'm down to 158 lbs. I need to forgive myself for those binges and stop being ashamed of my mistakes.
Friday, September 25, 2009
What is it like to live in that house?
I'm reading a book called "Fat Girl." It's really quite depressing, and it makes me feel glad that I didn't have a bad childhood like Judith Moore did. It's not about her losing weight or anything; it's like a memior, all about her obsession with food, her love of food, and the ramifications of that love. All of that. Next I'm going to read "Wasted." It's about a girl with anorexia, to say the very least. I have a strange obsession with bulimia and anorexia, especially the people afflicted by it. I like reading their blogs, and watching movies about them, and I would really like to talk to one about their anorexia. I don't even want to try to heal them; I just want to talk to them about it. I always want to talk to people about their weird things. One of my close friends has an extremely messy house, and I've actually asked her, "What is it like to live in that house?"
Thursday, September 24, 2009
FitessGram.
Damn. Damn, damn, damn.
I had the FitnessGram today. If you don't know what that is, that's where the school takes you out of your classes so you can humiliate yourself in front of everybody and they can tell you that you are fat and out of shape. It's basically gym class. According to their scale, 163 lbs.
Ugh. That is 2 lbs. more than I weighed at the FitnessGram Last year. At first, this was a huge blow to my self esteem and I almost said "Fuck it," but after mulling it over for a while, I decided that it wasn't so terrible, because;
1) At least I haven't had any significant weight gain.
2) I know that at some point between this time last year and this time this year I ballooned to 170-175 lbs. (what can I say? I wasn't dedicated enough...)
So, really, I'm doing great. I'm back down to 1,000 calories a day, because I'm not really able to excercise, with one day a week of 1500 calories. I'm reading "Fat Girl" by Judith Moore and damn, is it making me hungry. I think for my 1500 calorie day this week I will be having a cheeseburger for lunch...
I had the FitnessGram today. If you don't know what that is, that's where the school takes you out of your classes so you can humiliate yourself in front of everybody and they can tell you that you are fat and out of shape. It's basically gym class. According to their scale, 163 lbs.
Ugh. That is 2 lbs. more than I weighed at the FitnessGram Last year. At first, this was a huge blow to my self esteem and I almost said "Fuck it," but after mulling it over for a while, I decided that it wasn't so terrible, because;
1) At least I haven't had any significant weight gain.
2) I know that at some point between this time last year and this time this year I ballooned to 170-175 lbs. (what can I say? I wasn't dedicated enough...)
So, really, I'm doing great. I'm back down to 1,000 calories a day, because I'm not really able to excercise, with one day a week of 1500 calories. I'm reading "Fat Girl" by Judith Moore and damn, is it making me hungry. I think for my 1500 calorie day this week I will be having a cheeseburger for lunch...
Sunday, September 13, 2009
First Follower!
I have my first follower! Terrific...
Anyway, I'm going to get to what I wanted to blog about. Is it bad that I feel superior to everybody else when I go out to eat with people?
Why do I even need to ask? Of course it's bad...but oh well. What am I supposed to do, eat like a fat ass? My mother told me was dedicated to losing weight...yeah, she's really made a lot of dedication. *rolls eyes* Yeah, she orders relatively healthy meals at restaurants, but she eats the entire plate. She does realize that she's consuming 1,000 calories right there, right? It's annoying how she's completely oblivious even though I've told her thousands of times. She drinks 1/2+ bottles of wine a day, skips breakfast and sometimes lunch and drenches her dinner in olive oil, butter, and carbs. She thinks she is eating healthy because the things she eats are allegedly good for you, but she eats them at such an excess...I'm sure she tells her doctor "But...but...I'm eating healthy!" with these big eyes and a trembling lips, and he decreases her estrogen and increases something else when, really, she's not eating healthy at all. I'm around her all the time, so I know about all of her eating habits. And I use them as an an example of what not to do.
Anyway, I'm going to get to what I wanted to blog about. Is it bad that I feel superior to everybody else when I go out to eat with people?
Why do I even need to ask? Of course it's bad...but oh well. What am I supposed to do, eat like a fat ass? My mother told me was dedicated to losing weight...yeah, she's really made a lot of dedication. *rolls eyes* Yeah, she orders relatively healthy meals at restaurants, but she eats the entire plate. She does realize that she's consuming 1,000 calories right there, right? It's annoying how she's completely oblivious even though I've told her thousands of times. She drinks 1/2+ bottles of wine a day, skips breakfast and sometimes lunch and drenches her dinner in olive oil, butter, and carbs. She thinks she is eating healthy because the things she eats are allegedly good for you, but she eats them at such an excess...I'm sure she tells her doctor "But...but...I'm eating healthy!" with these big eyes and a trembling lips, and he decreases her estrogen and increases something else when, really, she's not eating healthy at all. I'm around her all the time, so I know about all of her eating habits. And I use them as an an example of what not to do.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
I'm back, after I don't know how long, I don't count. My weight is currently fluctuating between 158/ 160, you know the regular. I'm eating 1500 calories on the weekends and 1000 calories during the week. I don't really have time to excercise, but I'm positive that walking around my campus does something. So yeah. That's it.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
The Real Model
http://www.glamour.com/health-fitness/blogs/vitamin-g/2009/08/on-the-cl-the-picture-you-cant.html
I'm so glad that there's finally some picture of a normal woman on in a magazine. I love how everybody says "plus-sized" for a woman who's a size 12...Whitney, one of the winners of America's Next Top Model is considered a "plus-sized" model, although she is 130 lbs. No wonder so many girls are anorexic! I saw a picture of a disney princess, and even she was super thin. Her waist was tiny and her breasts were huge and perky...she was completely unrealistic. And this is the sort of thing my niece looks at? Great. Thanks for supporting unrealistic body images.
Breakfast;
2 pieces of toast (180 calories)
1 tblspn Earth Butter (80 calories)
1 egg (70 calories)
Ketchup (15 calories)
Lunch;
Lean Cuisine French Bread Pizza (330 calories)
17 Baby Carrots (35 calories)
Mid-Day Snack;
Today is the last day of my summer. I'm going to school tomorrow, and hopefully I can act like I'm confident in my body even thought I'm not. I'm making a bracelet that will hopefully remind me of who I want to be.
I'm so glad that there's finally some picture of a normal woman on in a magazine. I love how everybody says "plus-sized" for a woman who's a size 12...Whitney, one of the winners of America's Next Top Model is considered a "plus-sized" model, although she is 130 lbs. No wonder so many girls are anorexic! I saw a picture of a disney princess, and even she was super thin. Her waist was tiny and her breasts were huge and perky...she was completely unrealistic. And this is the sort of thing my niece looks at? Great. Thanks for supporting unrealistic body images.
Breakfast;
2 pieces of toast (180 calories)
1 tblspn Earth Butter (80 calories)
1 egg (70 calories)
Ketchup (15 calories)
Lunch;
Lean Cuisine French Bread Pizza (330 calories)
17 Baby Carrots (35 calories)
Mid-Day Snack;
Today is the last day of my summer. I'm going to school tomorrow, and hopefully I can act like I'm confident in my body even thought I'm not. I'm making a bracelet that will hopefully remind me of who I want to be.
Friday, August 21, 2009
According to my mother, the world is a supermodel.
Hey. I'm taking a little break from reading The Grapes of Wrath to write this. As fantastic as the book is, after reading all day, my brain is tired of reading the words. I've finished about half of it in two days...:( I planned on reading 10 chapters a day so that I can have 2 days to write the essay, but some of the chapters are waaaay longer than others. I read 10 one day, then only seven yesterday. Chapter 20 is a long-ass chapter, it's like a book in and of itself. Then I have TWO two page essays to write, double spaced thank god. I started one but got stuck. Anyway, I'm done with my week long "metabolism stabalizing"diet, and I couldn't be happier. I felt like I was gaining weight although I was only eating 1500 calories. Well, I'm back to 1200 calories. Here's what I've eaten today so far;
Breakfast;
Honey Nut Cheerios w/ milk (of course [150 calories])
1/4 cup milk (25 calories)
Lunch;
1/2 cup milk (50 calories)
Egg salad (165 calories)
Piece of toast (120 calories)
Fritos (160 calories)
Mid-day snack;
1 cup cherries w/ pits (74 calories)
1 Special K Strawberry Bar (90 calories)
Dinner;
1 can of black beans (385 calories)
1 slice Veggie Slices cheese (35 calories)
Bedtime Snack;
3 Tablespoons Ground Beef Stirfry
1/2 cup baby carrots
1 tsp hummus.
Yeah, I've had three cups of coffee today...
I've noticed that my mother always comments on how pretty my friencds are to me. A lot of my friends are "the pretty one." When I talk about them she says, "Oh, is that the pretty one?"or "I remember her, she was pretty." She talks about my sister in law the same way, to, always talks about her and how perfect she is, how skinny she is, how she can eat anything and still be skinny and beautiful, how long and luxurious her eyelashes are, and how beautiful she is.
Now, I don't mean to brood here, but I've also noticed that she never talks about me that way. She's never told me that I was pretty; she once told me that I was actually "Okay looking." But she talks about my sister in law with almost wistfulness. One of these days I'm going to ask her if she would like to adopt her as her own daughter. How come all of my friends are "pretty" but I'm just okay?
Well, I guess I think the same way now. I look at the pictures of all of my friends, and they are all pretty to me. Prettier than I.
Always.
Well, I'm okay-looking. Sometimes. I guess that's all I can hope for. It'd be nice to hear I'm pretty, but that's not the most important thing. Anyway, I sure as hell won't hear it from my mother.
Later...
So, if you've noticed, I had a bed time snack today, which I don't usually eat. I was really hungry for some reason...it's probably because I ate only beans for dinner. (What? I was reading The Grapes of Wrath all day and it made me crave them.) Well, the hunger got to be a little bit distracting, and that's where the game begins. I go downstairs to find out my mother has made this delicious meaty concoction using our leftovers, and I grab a tablespoon and shovel a spoonfull down and...oh, my god, it was delicious. It was so meaty and juicy...and it had beans and veggies in it...all of my favorite things! However, I ate only three tablespoons of that deliciousness too sooth my hunger pains, like medicine, and then scooped the rest into a tupperware for lunch tomorrow. Then, into the fridge to grab some baby carrots and hummus to completely rid myself of hunger. I can't wait until I'm down to 132, when I can eat 1500 calories a day. My meals are divvied up so oddly to fit in 1200 calories...180 calories for breakfast on average, about 400 for lunch, then 180 calories for my mid-day snack and the rest goes to dinner. I think I should switch the calories around for my lunch and breakfast, because I always get hungry in the mid morning. My mid-day snack and my lunch are awfully close together, too...Yeah, I should eat 300 calories for breakfast and 280 calories for lunch, I think. Now I just have to figure out some lunch meals to fit into the 280 calorie quota!
Bye, bye.
Breakfast;
Honey Nut Cheerios w/ milk (of course [150 calories])
1/4 cup milk (25 calories)
Lunch;
1/2 cup milk (50 calories)
Egg salad (165 calories)
Piece of toast (120 calories)
Fritos (160 calories)
Mid-day snack;
1 cup cherries w/ pits (74 calories)
1 Special K Strawberry Bar (90 calories)
Dinner;
1 can of black beans (385 calories)
1 slice Veggie Slices cheese (35 calories)
Bedtime Snack;
3 Tablespoons Ground Beef Stirfry
1/2 cup baby carrots
1 tsp hummus.
Yeah, I've had three cups of coffee today...
I've noticed that my mother always comments on how pretty my friencds are to me. A lot of my friends are "the pretty one." When I talk about them she says, "Oh, is that the pretty one?"or "I remember her, she was pretty." She talks about my sister in law the same way, to, always talks about her and how perfect she is, how skinny she is, how she can eat anything and still be skinny and beautiful, how long and luxurious her eyelashes are, and how beautiful she is.
Now, I don't mean to brood here, but I've also noticed that she never talks about me that way. She's never told me that I was pretty; she once told me that I was actually "Okay looking." But she talks about my sister in law with almost wistfulness. One of these days I'm going to ask her if she would like to adopt her as her own daughter. How come all of my friends are "pretty" but I'm just okay?
Well, I guess I think the same way now. I look at the pictures of all of my friends, and they are all pretty to me. Prettier than I.
Always.
Well, I'm okay-looking. Sometimes. I guess that's all I can hope for. It'd be nice to hear I'm pretty, but that's not the most important thing. Anyway, I sure as hell won't hear it from my mother.
Later...
So, if you've noticed, I had a bed time snack today, which I don't usually eat. I was really hungry for some reason...it's probably because I ate only beans for dinner. (What? I was reading The Grapes of Wrath all day and it made me crave them.) Well, the hunger got to be a little bit distracting, and that's where the game begins. I go downstairs to find out my mother has made this delicious meaty concoction using our leftovers, and I grab a tablespoon and shovel a spoonfull down and...oh, my god, it was delicious. It was so meaty and juicy...and it had beans and veggies in it...all of my favorite things! However, I ate only three tablespoons of that deliciousness too sooth my hunger pains, like medicine, and then scooped the rest into a tupperware for lunch tomorrow. Then, into the fridge to grab some baby carrots and hummus to completely rid myself of hunger. I can't wait until I'm down to 132, when I can eat 1500 calories a day. My meals are divvied up so oddly to fit in 1200 calories...180 calories for breakfast on average, about 400 for lunch, then 180 calories for my mid-day snack and the rest goes to dinner. I think I should switch the calories around for my lunch and breakfast, because I always get hungry in the mid morning. My mid-day snack and my lunch are awfully close together, too...Yeah, I should eat 300 calories for breakfast and 280 calories for lunch, I think. Now I just have to figure out some lunch meals to fit into the 280 calorie quota!
Bye, bye.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
It's working!
Okay, well, tomorrow is the last day of my 1500 calorie eating. I'm starting to feel uncomfortable with it; I can't wait to getting back to eating 1200 calories. Is that weird? I just like the feeling I get, and it's sort of a control thing. I haven't really been working out, either, and I don't know why...nothing's stopping me. Whatever, as soon as I get back to eating 1200 calories a day, I'm sure I'll be more motivated to excercise. And, another person commented on my weight loss! Great! :D It's working...terrific!
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