Wednesday, December 22, 2010


Well, yesterday and the day before, I ate 1500 calories. I exercised for an hour on monday, but didn't exercise yesterday. So...mediocre. But my weight this morning, which I'm assuming is caused by my binge on friday, was 155 lbs. Ugh. :( Well, as much as I absolutely hate that, I have to say that that's no reason to be totally upset. Yes, it's a gain, but every normal person gains weight during the holidays. I've been this weight since Halloween, so I guess my indulgences are overcoming any other good thing I do. But I've been maintaining this weight for awhile, so I guess it could be worse- I could be gaining 10, 15 lbs like a lot of women do. So...I guess, it doesn't suck THAT BAD.
 I need MORE focus. Over-eating is no good, whether it's once a week or everyday, so I need to STOP IT! If I want to get back down to 150 and then eventually 140, I need focus. So, resolutions time!

Past resolutions-
1) "I will not indulge in "thinspo." It's just crushing myself esteem, and it directly breaks rule #2..."
      I've gotten a lot better at this. I don't purposefully go out and seek thinspo, which is good. However, I may start looking at "healthspo" more often just so I will have a little bit more inspiration to be healthy and stuff.
2) I will stop comparing myself to others. Everybody is different.
    Oh, man. I have not been keeping this resolution. I was doing well for awhile, but I still sort of look at other people and compare myself to them. Even my vagina. Yes, my vagina! I look at other peoples privates- and when I say other peoples, I mean pornstars- and I compare mine to theirs. Which is ridiculous, since porn stars vaginas are, of course, totally perfect. That's why they're porn stars. 3) I will lose however much or little weight as I desire. 150, 145, 140. Whatever. 
   Was this really a resolution? I think what I meant to say was that I wouldn't become the super thin "ideal." I would lose however much I felt I needed. Which, you know, I still want to do. 4) I will not "binge" and "purge." I will not overeat and then compensate by fasting. 

    Well, I haven't necessarily been doing this, but I have been over-eating and justifying it by knowing that I would just restrict the next day. The restricting isn't due to the overeating, but the overeating is due- in part- to the restricting.

New Resolutions to Add-
1) I will regain focus and get down to 145 lbs. 
2) I will start exercising three times a week. 
3) I will drink more water.

Of course, I'm starting these resolutions early- and I know that I can do it, because I've done it before. Maybe not in awhile, but I have done it! I have to start taking my Vyvanse more often (although I DO NOT want to rely on my vyvanse to help me eat 800 calories a day, because I know I can without vyvanse.) and I have to start really focusing on this. Eyes on the prize.
What I've been doing- which hasn't been working- is that I haven't been restricting every other day. I've been restricting two, three days in a row (with the help of vyvanse) which not only totally screws my metabolism, but also makes my appetite ridiculous when I go a day without taking Vyvanse. So, I'm thinking that what I will do is 500-800 calories one day (with vyvanse), 1500 calories the next day (without vyvanse), and so on. NO binging. No saying "It's okay, I'll fast tomorrow." because that will not help with weight loss, and no saying "It's okay, I'll exercise for an hour." Whenever I overeat and justify it by saying I'll exercise, I always feel so awful anyway that I don't excercise- so that doesn't work at all. Also, I'm going to start exercising at least 3 times a week again. No matter what, I have to get physical activity in. I know it sounds hard, but like I said, I know that it'll be easy because I've done it before. So I'm ready for this. I'm ready to reinstate the healthy behavior I used to engage in, and I'm ready to lose these damn 5 lbs.
Another one of my new years resolutions is to work on my self esteem more. I want to continue recovering from BDD, and I want to be confident in my own skin. Exercising and losing weight will help me with that.
Sorry about the long post. :D Good luck ladies, and I love yah!

(PS- I read an article that stated that the "holiday season" was a 1-2 week period. Where the hell are they getting that from? No no no, the holiday season is 2-3 MONTHS. I WISH it was 1-2 weeks.)

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