Monday, September 19, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Well, hello. I know I haven't updated in awhile... But all I can say is, I'm glad to be back.
I went to my therapists office last week and I won't go into details, but she wants me on a 2,000 calorie diet + exercise. She seems to think that I should not try to lose any more weight. Neither does my doctor or my health teacher. They obviously can't see that I'm 150 lbs (more now, but that's for later.) and that's certainly not all muscle.
I even admitted to my friend that I have EDNOS, which was a mistake because now she's going to be watching me. SIGH. I told her that when I thought I wanted to be healthy, and I thought it was a good idea.
Anyway. I didn't eat whatever I wanted for a week. I couldn't do it, I just felt bad. (Recently my appetite has just been unstoppable, though.) However, I have been eating 2000 calories a day and exercising, thinking that would make me happier and would put a stop to my problems. But, just like losing weight does not solve your problems, neither does eating more. I don't even have the happiness of weight loss to satisfy me; I've gained 4 lbs. I used a tape measure last night and I'm about 38-30-38. Gained a tiny bit about my tum, but that's not a biggie- just half an inch. So, thank god I haven't gained too many inches. But just the fact that that four lbs is there pisses me off, whether you can see it or not. What really set me off was on monday, my friend Michele started talking about her new diet. Shes doing the Jenny Craig diet, and she shared her calorie counter book with me. She talked about how she's already lost weight. She was talking about calories, calories, calories, all lunch. I was eating a sandwich, nuts, an ice cream bar, you know, an "average" lunch. She was eating broccoli and cheese. And she would NOT stop talking about calories. I felt just awful. That bad feeling didn't really hit me until yesterday, when I "binged" to make my brain shut up. (I ate 2000 calories yesterday.) So I've made a decision; I'm going to stop trying to eat normally. Who am I trying to kid? My metabolism obviously isn't like anybody else's. I need to do what I feel is good for ME, and stop listening to everybody else. I'm doing a liquid fast for a couple of days- at least, I'm trying. I don't know how well I'm going to be able to stick to it. XD at least I know I won't have anything to binge on, since I ate all my cookies and shit yesterday! Also, I'm going to start on fiber tablets, and diuretics, again. Hopefully I'll lose these 4 lbs. And then more.
(I think that my appetite increases when I hit 150, because my body wants to stay there, and doesn't want to lose any more.) I think that when I hit 150 again, I'm going to take my vyvanse for a week straight to help my appetite NOT increase.
Now, here's the issue- I don't want my metabolism to slow down. I'm reading a book called "Fed-Up!" which talked about the hormones that control our appetite and weight, and there's one called Leptin- which is an important hormone that has something to do with our metabolism (I don't know exactly what it does...I forgot :P.) and apparently those levels drop after just 24 hours of restricting. So our bodies don't enter "starvation mode" after months of restricting- it only takes 1 day for our metabolism to slow. And I do NOT want that. So...call in the alternate day diet again. I keep coming back to that because honestly...it worked. I know, I know, since last summer it hasn't worked for me, but that's because I haven't been doing it right. So I'm trying YET AGAIN. Wish me luck...
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I went to my therapists office last week and I won't go into details, but she wants me on a 2,000 calorie diet + exercise. She seems to think that I should not try to lose any more weight. Neither does my doctor or my health teacher. They obviously can't see that I'm 150 lbs (more now, but that's for later.) and that's certainly not all muscle.
I even admitted to my friend that I have EDNOS, which was a mistake because now she's going to be watching me. SIGH. I told her that when I thought I wanted to be healthy, and I thought it was a good idea.
Anyway. I didn't eat whatever I wanted for a week. I couldn't do it, I just felt bad. (Recently my appetite has just been unstoppable, though.) However, I have been eating 2000 calories a day and exercising, thinking that would make me happier and would put a stop to my problems. But, just like losing weight does not solve your problems, neither does eating more. I don't even have the happiness of weight loss to satisfy me; I've gained 4 lbs. I used a tape measure last night and I'm about 38-30-38. Gained a tiny bit about my tum, but that's not a biggie- just half an inch. So, thank god I haven't gained too many inches. But just the fact that that four lbs is there pisses me off, whether you can see it or not. What really set me off was on monday, my friend Michele started talking about her new diet. Shes doing the Jenny Craig diet, and she shared her calorie counter book with me. She talked about how she's already lost weight. She was talking about calories, calories, calories, all lunch. I was eating a sandwich, nuts, an ice cream bar, you know, an "average" lunch. She was eating broccoli and cheese. And she would NOT stop talking about calories. I felt just awful. That bad feeling didn't really hit me until yesterday, when I "binged" to make my brain shut up. (I ate 2000 calories yesterday.) So I've made a decision; I'm going to stop trying to eat normally. Who am I trying to kid? My metabolism obviously isn't like anybody else's. I need to do what I feel is good for ME, and stop listening to everybody else. I'm doing a liquid fast for a couple of days- at least, I'm trying. I don't know how well I'm going to be able to stick to it. XD at least I know I won't have anything to binge on, since I ate all my cookies and shit yesterday! Also, I'm going to start on fiber tablets, and diuretics, again. Hopefully I'll lose these 4 lbs. And then more.
(I think that my appetite increases when I hit 150, because my body wants to stay there, and doesn't want to lose any more.) I think that when I hit 150 again, I'm going to take my vyvanse for a week straight to help my appetite NOT increase.
Now, here's the issue- I don't want my metabolism to slow down. I'm reading a book called "Fed-Up!" which talked about the hormones that control our appetite and weight, and there's one called Leptin- which is an important hormone that has something to do with our metabolism (I don't know exactly what it does...I forgot :P.) and apparently those levels drop after just 24 hours of restricting. So our bodies don't enter "starvation mode" after months of restricting- it only takes 1 day for our metabolism to slow. And I do NOT want that. So...call in the alternate day diet again. I keep coming back to that because honestly...it worked. I know, I know, since last summer it hasn't worked for me, but that's because I haven't been doing it right. So I'm trying YET AGAIN. Wish me luck...
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Friday, April 15, 2011
Really tired...really bored.
Might just take some Nyquil at 10:00 and go to sleep. Waking up early tomorrow morning to ride my bike for a few hours...then to work on my psychology project with my friend...so tomorrow is a long day. May dye my hair tonight. Maybe tomorrow night...
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Might just take some Nyquil at 10:00 and go to sleep. Waking up early tomorrow morning to ride my bike for a few hours...then to work on my psychology project with my friend...so tomorrow is a long day. May dye my hair tonight. Maybe tomorrow night...
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Thursday, April 14, 2011
I've had trouble with my eating recently. I keep eating a lot and feeling guilty and then being too sad to exercise. And so, I've decided what I must do.
One week to eat whatever I want. No guilt. No unhappiness. Exercise, of course, every day. I just need to see what happens. I need to know how it feels again. I need to eat food and reevaluate my relationship with food, and then decide what to do from there.
So, 2000-2500 calories in a day (a lot, I know!) plus 2 hours of exercise. Only until next Monday. Hopefully, by the end of all this, I'll have re-evaluated my relationship with food and exercise, and I won't feel the great need to over-eat any more, and I'll be able to eat 800-900 calories a day again. Wish me luck...
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One week to eat whatever I want. No guilt. No unhappiness. Exercise, of course, every day. I just need to see what happens. I need to know how it feels again. I need to eat food and reevaluate my relationship with food, and then decide what to do from there.
So, 2000-2500 calories in a day (a lot, I know!) plus 2 hours of exercise. Only until next Monday. Hopefully, by the end of all this, I'll have re-evaluated my relationship with food and exercise, and I won't feel the great need to over-eat any more, and I'll be able to eat 800-900 calories a day again. Wish me luck...
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Don't feed the hipsters.
I have several new things to say.
My weight has remained stable, unfortunately, BUT some how I have lost a lot of inches. I'm 38-29-38 now, and I just bought size 8 jeans. Isn't that weird? I must have gained a lot of muscle or something.
I always wanted to be a size 8. I said that when I got to size 8, I would feel better...but honestly, I don't. I say to myself "Well, you're not a perfect size 8, you can still wear size 10 jeans if you want. So you still need to lose weight until you're REALLY a size 8."
My best friend got mad at me because I said something about how I was sort of worried about myself, and she flipped out because she said that I take things for granted and I don't appreciate any of the things that she would kill for.
There is nothing about my body that any body would kill for. She's a size 14, and when I look at her, I see the exact same body that I have. So I have no idea what the hell she's talking about. I know my scale says 150 pounds, and my jeans say size 8/10, but I'm still fat. I mean come on, 150 lbs-that's massive. I don't care if I'm smaller than I used to be- I'm still fat. I'm going to keep working until I am a PERFECT size 8, and then I guess I'll try for a size 6. I just want to lose weight, for the love...!
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My weight has remained stable, unfortunately, BUT some how I have lost a lot of inches. I'm 38-29-38 now, and I just bought size 8 jeans. Isn't that weird? I must have gained a lot of muscle or something.
I always wanted to be a size 8. I said that when I got to size 8, I would feel better...but honestly, I don't. I say to myself "Well, you're not a perfect size 8, you can still wear size 10 jeans if you want. So you still need to lose weight until you're REALLY a size 8."
My best friend got mad at me because I said something about how I was sort of worried about myself, and she flipped out because she said that I take things for granted and I don't appreciate any of the things that she would kill for.
There is nothing about my body that any body would kill for. She's a size 14, and when I look at her, I see the exact same body that I have. So I have no idea what the hell she's talking about. I know my scale says 150 pounds, and my jeans say size 8/10, but I'm still fat. I mean come on, 150 lbs-that's massive. I don't care if I'm smaller than I used to be- I'm still fat. I'm going to keep working until I am a PERFECT size 8, and then I guess I'll try for a size 6. I just want to lose weight, for the love...!
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Saturday, April 09, 2011
I think I greyed out today...
...but I'm not sure. This morning I ate 1/2 a cup of dry cereal (60) coffee (20) 1/4 of a grapefruit (30) a piece of candy (25) and a cup of fruit juice (70). I stood up from the couch to go get dressed to go to the gym, stretched a bit and everything went fuzzy and grey. Next thing I knew, I was on my hands and knees. What the fuck? I used to getting a little light headed, that happens all the time even when I eat normally, but never in my life have I actually collapsed. All I know was that I didn't eat all that much last night, (though I DID eat!) or that much all of yesterday for that matter, but to suddenly collapse? And I'm not even thin! I'm 150 lbs- my body should be doing fine. But, as sick as it sounds, I'm sort of happy about it. In the, yay, that's right!
They just starting playing "Creep" in the gym. It must be a sign. (XD just kidding. But a lot of pro-ana girls use that song as thinspo, and I find that funny.)
Only doing 30 minutes on the treadmill at the gym...but I did 40 minutes on my bike before hand, so I guess that's pretty good.
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They just starting playing "Creep" in the gym. It must be a sign. (XD just kidding. But a lot of pro-ana girls use that song as thinspo, and I find that funny.)
Only doing 30 minutes on the treadmill at the gym...but I did 40 minutes on my bike before hand, so I guess that's pretty good.
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Friday, April 08, 2011
I'm slowly starting to figure this out, find what works for me. I ate 2,000 calories yester ay (sorry if I misspell some wor s, the key next to the "s" on the keyboar isn't working on my computer...if I can I'll try to fin another way to say things so I won't have to use that letter. It may start working again, though.) an was sort of annoye by that. But, to ay is a new ay. I have been rea ing a book by the title of "Water with Lemon." It's a "health fiction" novel, meaning a fiction novel about some person losing weight. They "eat healthy" an lose weight by "not counting calories." I mean, that may work for some people, but not for me. I woul n't be able to go back to eating normally like that all the time anyway. But it inspired me nonetheless.
I may not be eating very much, but I should still eat things that are good for my body. I still need to SORT of take care of my body. Maybe I'm not eating "enough" by most doctors standards, but I choose to eat this little. But like I said, that doesn't mean that when I do eat, I have to eat shit. And so, I've decided to follow a few new things.
*800 through 900 calories a day most days.
*If I wake up one morning wanting to eat, I let myself eat 1500 calories without guilt.
*No more soda, candy, or gross pastries, or overly processe foo .
*Eat more fruit, veggies, nuts, an eggs.
*consume more fruit uices. Even though that's more calories, you can always water it own.
I'll probably think of more later. :) Tata for now!
I may not be eating very much, but I should still eat things that are good for my body. I still need to SORT of take care of my body. Maybe I'm not eating "enough" by most doctors standards, but I choose to eat this little. But like I said, that doesn't mean that when I do eat, I have to eat shit. And so, I've decided to follow a few new things.
*800 through 900 calories a day most days.
*If I wake up one morning wanting to eat, I let myself eat 1500 calories without guilt.
*No more soda, candy, or gross pastries, or overly processe foo .
*Eat more fruit, veggies, nuts, an eggs.
*consume more fruit uices. Even though that's more calories, you can always water it own.
I'll probably think of more later. :) Tata for now!
Tuesday, April 05, 2011
I woke up this morning, expecting to be alarmed about what I did last night, but surprisingly enough I wasn't. I don't even know why I did it. I was expecting to restrict today, plus go to the gym, so It would make up for my binge last night (I was with my niece, and she wanted cookies and ice cream, and so we got them. And I was really hungry.) And I didn't even purge all that I had eaten. I just wanted to see if I could do it. Ugh. I really don't want to be bulimic. I guess I just want a back-up plan for when I do binge. But I will try to stay strong and not engage in bulimic disorders. I have a metallic taste in my mouth...I'm assuming from the vomiting.
This morning I ate a couple of bites of coco puffs (30 cals) coffee (15) and an egg. (70) so breakfast was 115 calories total...pretty good. I won't won't WON'T eat lunch, I'll just stay at school and read a book in the library through the lunch hour.
And then hopefully I won't binge at home...and I'll go to the gym and work off about 900 cals. So, even if I eat 900 cals today, it'll be okay because I'm working off a lot of it. :) Wish me luck!
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This morning I ate a couple of bites of coco puffs (30 cals) coffee (15) and an egg. (70) so breakfast was 115 calories total...pretty good. I won't won't WON'T eat lunch, I'll just stay at school and read a book in the library through the lunch hour.
And then hopefully I won't binge at home...and I'll go to the gym and work off about 900 cals. So, even if I eat 900 cals today, it'll be okay because I'm working off a lot of it. :) Wish me luck!
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Monday, April 04, 2011
So today, I sort of ate SORT of normally...I thought, maybe I'm better? Maybe my brain suddenly switched and I've spontaneously recovered? Maybe I've gotten better just as quickly as I got worse. Well, I started out the day thinking of that...and end the day knowing that I definitely have not. How can I know that so certainly?
I purged today. Binged first, of course, on probably a thousand calories- Oreos, Cheetoes, ice cream- took a shower, and just thought, what the hell. May as well try.
It was surprisingly simple. Just used a large spoon, and a couple of gags and- oops, there goes a cookie. I didn't purge very much- probably barely 1/4 of what I ate- but I still did it. And I'm sure I'll do it again.
Shit.
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I purged today. Binged first, of course, on probably a thousand calories- Oreos, Cheetoes, ice cream- took a shower, and just thought, what the hell. May as well try.
It was surprisingly simple. Just used a large spoon, and a couple of gags and- oops, there goes a cookie. I didn't purge very much- probably barely 1/4 of what I ate- but I still did it. And I'm sure I'll do it again.
Shit.
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Sunday, April 03, 2011
My cat spilled water on my laptop...so now it is completely destroyed. The keyboard won't work at all. So I'm updating my phone.
Today, I have been eating completely normally. Strange, eg? When I woke up this morning, of course I just drank coffee, but for some reason...I wanted to eat. I felt no need to restrict. So far today, I've had a bowl of cereal, coffee, a bit of candy, and an egg sandwich. I have no desire to binge, and no desire to restrict...it's so weird, it's like my brain just...gave me a break. So odd...I like it, but I hope it's not permanent.
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Today, I have been eating completely normally. Strange, eg? When I woke up this morning, of course I just drank coffee, but for some reason...I wanted to eat. I felt no need to restrict. So far today, I've had a bowl of cereal, coffee, a bit of candy, and an egg sandwich. I have no desire to binge, and no desire to restrict...it's so weird, it's like my brain just...gave me a break. So odd...I like it, but I hope it's not permanent.
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Friday, April 01, 2011
Are Eating Disorders a Lifestyle?
Can an eating disorder be a lifestyle? So many people seem to believe so. It is such an offensive idea, but I can't help but entertain it.
I know that eating disorders are dangerous and life-threatening. But, there are varying degrees of it. There're the "lifestylers"- those who restrict eating, and don't push it to the end of their life. Those who live with it.
Those who die from anorexia have severe anorexia, and somewhere along the way lost control of it. Their mental disorders destroyed their body, brains, and killing them. But there are some who can LIVE with an eating disorder- there are those who eat enough, barely, to survive.
I'm so sorry to those with severe eating disorders. They are hell. But, I also believe that maybe, just maybe, I can LIVE with an eating disorder....forever.
300 calories today. I ate a rice cake, unfortunately, and two small candies, but all the rest was liquid. :3 Didn't even take Vyvanse today! Let's hope I can make it the rest of the night without eating. I should be able to...
Idk how tomorrow's going to go. I'm hanging out with my friend so I may have to eat something so she won't worry but...I don't know. I'll try to restrict as much as I can. I'm thinking coffee (35) and a rice cake (50) for breakfast, a salad (100) for lunch and a soy chicken patty (80), green beans (20) and maybe another rice cake (50) for dinner, with popcorn (100) for snacking throughout the day. And bike riding for exercise....I might go for a bike ride now, actually!
Working off that horrible binge yesterday...
I know that eating disorders are dangerous and life-threatening. But, there are varying degrees of it. There're the "lifestylers"- those who restrict eating, and don't push it to the end of their life. Those who live with it.
Those who die from anorexia have severe anorexia, and somewhere along the way lost control of it. Their mental disorders destroyed their body, brains, and killing them. But there are some who can LIVE with an eating disorder- there are those who eat enough, barely, to survive.
I'm so sorry to those with severe eating disorders. They are hell. But, I also believe that maybe, just maybe, I can LIVE with an eating disorder....forever.
300 calories today. I ate a rice cake, unfortunately, and two small candies, but all the rest was liquid. :3 Didn't even take Vyvanse today! Let's hope I can make it the rest of the night without eating. I should be able to...
Idk how tomorrow's going to go. I'm hanging out with my friend so I may have to eat something so she won't worry but...I don't know. I'll try to restrict as much as I can. I'm thinking coffee (35) and a rice cake (50) for breakfast, a salad (100) for lunch and a soy chicken patty (80), green beans (20) and maybe another rice cake (50) for dinner, with popcorn (100) for snacking throughout the day. And bike riding for exercise....I might go for a bike ride now, actually!
Working off that horrible binge yesterday...
Thursday, March 31, 2011
I binged. Again. That's twice this week. I've just felt so shitty recently...it's like I can't get my mood and eating under control for the last week. I don't know. I'm going to take vyvanse tomorrow to help kick-start a three-day liquid fast. And then, after that, I'm starting a new diet. I made a new diet plan to help take care of my body. I'm going to eat 300-900 calories a day, and I'm going to stop eating sooooo much candy. I'm also going to start drinking more water to help fight against bloat...I don't want to binge any more. Please, lords have mercy on my SOUL, don't make me binge any more!
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Monday, March 28, 2011
BTW- Vyvanse is an ADD medication. It's essentially just speed, but it's slow release. The side effects are euphoria and appetite loss. :3
I stayed home from school today. I didn't feel well at all, and I slept in until 10:00. I drank some hot chocolate this morning because I didn't have any coffee, which is unfortunately 130 calories. :( I was hoping for zero calories today...but that's okay, if I restrict for the rest of the week I should be okay...
I want to be less than 150 lbs by the end of the week...please, let me get there.
Please give me the strength to do this. Give me the self-control to make it through another week without a binge. Give me the will to get below 150 lbs. Give me the ability to starve on.
If I continue losing weight at this rate (however slightly slow it is!) I'll lose 15 lbs in three months. Maybe not super-sonic, but better than nothing.
I stayed home from school today. I didn't feel well at all, and I slept in until 10:00. I drank some hot chocolate this morning because I didn't have any coffee, which is unfortunately 130 calories. :( I was hoping for zero calories today...but that's okay, if I restrict for the rest of the week I should be okay...
I want to be less than 150 lbs by the end of the week...please, let me get there.
Please give me the strength to do this. Give me the self-control to make it through another week without a binge. Give me the will to get below 150 lbs. Give me the ability to starve on.
If I continue losing weight at this rate (however slightly slow it is!) I'll lose 15 lbs in three months. Maybe not super-sonic, but better than nothing.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Ate a lot today. I wouldn't call it a "binge" since it wasn't over 2,000 calories (a binge is defined as being over 2500 calories) but it was DEFINITELY VERY disappointing. My weight this morning? 150.2 lbs. Ugh. I need to restrict better. My binges have been setting me back. But I'm still glad to see the number, after begging and pleading to be back to it for three months. I want to be less than 150 lbs. Before the week is out. I don't know if I can do it, but I'll certainly try.
I'm planning on not eating tomorrow to make up for my over-eating today. And for the rest of the week, I'm going to restrict as much as I possibly can. Wish me luck!
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I'm planning on not eating tomorrow to make up for my over-eating today. And for the rest of the week, I'm going to restrict as much as I possibly can. Wish me luck!
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Saturday, March 26, 2011
I'm feeling so much better now. I don't know what was wrong with me but...I'm doing better. I hung out with my best friend, we made a picnic, rode bikes, and did a lot of talking, so I feel a lot better. Problem, she noticed my weight loss. It's so weird. I only lost five lbs, but she was like "You look like you've lost a lot of weight." She also noticed my eating. When I urged her to eat more, she said "Whatever, Candice. All you had was a small slice of pizza and a 100 calorie salad today." Shit, what the fuck? She's the FOURTH one of my friends to notice! What the hell! It's like they're all so fucking hyperaware of what I put in my mouth. Jesus titty christ guys. Stop being so obsessed with what I eat...unfortunately, now I have to figure out lies to tell all of them so they'll get off my ass about it. I just said to them "Yeah, I haven't had much of an appetite recently, it's really odd." But then, unfortunately, my friend Lorilei saw my test results for an eating disorder questionarre on my phone and said "Candice, take care of yourself better." Ugh. What the hell? What are the chances that she would just happen to see that over my shoulder? Whatever. I've decided, I'm going to tell her and my other friend, Michele, that I'm fine. I just wasn't feeling well and I've started eating more...And I'm going to pack a full (300 calorie) lunch, make sure to make a show of eating it in front of them and bring two "snacks." (that I will give away.) so that it'll look like I'm eating normally. That should get them off my ass. And when it comes to Morgan (best friend, spend a lot of time with her) I guess I'll just have to eat as normally as possible when I hang out with her...maybe I can get away with 1000, 1200 calories.
Numb
I feel so numb. I feel empty. I just don't feel...I'm tired and I just don't want to move. I'm so numb. I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm not depressed...I just can't feel any emotion at all. Sadness happiness excitement...I just can't feel it right now. I don't know what is wrong with me.
I have this huge desire to binge. I want to binge, binge binge. I want to eat cinnamon rolls and veggie burgers and hot chocolate and french fries and everything I can get my hands on because I'm so hungry but I don't want to eat anything because it's all so disgusting. But I want to feel something, taste something, anything. I don't know what is wrong with me. I can't binge, I can't I can't I can;t. I overdosed on benadryl yesterday, trying to feel something, wandered around in a cloud for four hours. I got lost in my school parking lot- that was fun XD- and just couldn't differentiate between reality and fantasy. It was weird.
I'm going to take Vyvanse. Kill my appetite so I won't binge, and I'll actually feel something.
I have this huge desire to binge. I want to binge, binge binge. I want to eat cinnamon rolls and veggie burgers and hot chocolate and french fries and everything I can get my hands on because I'm so hungry but I don't want to eat anything because it's all so disgusting. But I want to feel something, taste something, anything. I don't know what is wrong with me. I can't binge, I can't I can't I can;t. I overdosed on benadryl yesterday, trying to feel something, wandered around in a cloud for four hours. I got lost in my school parking lot- that was fun XD- and just couldn't differentiate between reality and fantasy. It was weird.
I'm going to take Vyvanse. Kill my appetite so I won't binge, and I'll actually feel something.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Life is so freaking Lifey
Galen "broke up" with me. I put that in quotes because we didn't really have that much of a relationship in the first place, so there's really nothing to "break up." And, we are still going to see each other the next time he's in my town...so basically, this is the exact same situation we were in! Only I suppose, this way he doesn't feel obligated? I don't know. Meh. It's not a big deal.
This just gives me another reason to lose weight...make him want me even more. XD
I overate today, btw. About 2000 calories. Whatever. I'm too tired to give a shit right now.
I know this sounds awful but...another reason this give me inspiration to lose a ton of weight is because I want him to see my a few months from now and get a twinge of worry. I want him to look at me and say, what happened? I want him to watch me eating and worry a bit...not that he wouldn't if we were officially bf and gf or anything, but there's something awfully delicious about making him worry when we AREN'T together...like "haha, you still care about me even though we aren't together! haha!" I know that sounds awful...
Btw- I think I'm going to try going vegan. Or, as vegan as I can go. I know my family will think it's totally ridiculous, and my mom is already really suspicious of my eating. So I'm not going to TELL them I'm going vegan, but I'm going to stop eating as many animal products as I possibly can. That'll eliminate even more food choices! Whoooten!
This just gives me another reason to lose weight...make him want me even more. XD
I overate today, btw. About 2000 calories. Whatever. I'm too tired to give a shit right now.
I know this sounds awful but...another reason this give me inspiration to lose a ton of weight is because I want him to see my a few months from now and get a twinge of worry. I want him to look at me and say, what happened? I want him to watch me eating and worry a bit...not that he wouldn't if we were officially bf and gf or anything, but there's something awfully delicious about making him worry when we AREN'T together...like "haha, you still care about me even though we aren't together! haha!" I know that sounds awful...
Btw- I think I'm going to try going vegan. Or, as vegan as I can go. I know my family will think it's totally ridiculous, and my mom is already really suspicious of my eating. So I'm not going to TELL them I'm going vegan, but I'm going to stop eating as many animal products as I possibly can. That'll eliminate even more food choices! Whoooten!
I'm Tired
Last few days have been okay. I ate a package of cookies and cheese popcorn with my friend Kennedy back on saturday, because I really wanted her to eat and I knew she wouldn't if I wouldn't. Last few days I haven't been eating much, 500-800 calories a day ish. Yesterday I did alright...but I drank four beers last night and got a little, and I know that beer has a lot of calories in it. I'm estimating my actual food intake yesterday to be about 800 calories and there are 148 calories in the beer I drank, so my daily total was 1400 ish calories yesterday. Meh, that's okay. I haven't weighed myself recently. I guess I will later. Wish me luck.
Tired.
Tired.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Galen, Scars, and Somnolence
I hung out with Galen* yesterday. Just went to his house to see him. Does it count as a date if we didn't leave the house or eat or really do anything productive at all? We just made out. Made out in my car, made out in his living room, made out in his bedroom, made out in his hallway on the way to the kitchen, made out in the kitchen, made out in the shed in his back yard...XD
It took me so long to build up the courage to take off my dress. I wanted to so badly, obviously, but the whole time I just...couldn't do it. By the time I mentioned it to him, the people that are fixing up his house showed up, so we had to find some where else. (that explains the shed in his back yard.) That's where I took off the dress.
It took me awhile. I kept explaining to him why it was so hard for me, and of course he kept saying, "It's nothing. Your scars aren't going to change my opinion of you. You're scars are beautiful because they're a part of you." I believed him, but...it was still difficult. Well, long story short, I showed him my scars, and he didn't care. I had to leave shortly afterwards, but I was glad that I got over the scar barrier. That will make it so much easier next time.
Last time I went on a date with him, I found his intense liking for me to be very inspiring. To be healthy, I mean. I thought, he thinks I'm beautiful even at this weight, so why should I try to lose more weight? I should just be happy with myself the way I am!
But this time, my reaction completely changed. He still likes me just the way I am and everything, but instead of using that as an excuse not to change, I'm using that as an excuse to change. I mean, if he thinks I'm beautiful the way I am now, how beautiful will he think I am when I'm 10 lbs. slimmer?
But, problem. As you know, I'm hanging out with my friend Kennedy*, who is a "recovering" anoretic. She's scarily slim, and I always encourage her to eat more. I've been trying to eat a more balanced diet with her around because I don't want to trigger her, but of course I talked to her about it and of course she noticed my eating patterns. Last night she asked me what I had eaten that day, and I told her, (ashamed of myself because I had eaten way more than I should have.) Three pieces of candy for breakfast, coffee, three more pieces of candy in the car, some juice at Galens house, three MORE pieces of candy on the way back from Galens house (It's fourty five minutes away), a piece of cornbread and some honey, and a mini pizza. About 1300 calories. She said to me, "No offense, but you're stressing me out. You're picking up some anorexic eating habits, and it's scaring me. I don't want you to do this to yourself because you're beautiful just the way you are. I want you to be healthy." :( I remember a time when that would have made me say, "Oh my gosh she's right. I should start being healthy again." But now...it's like I just can't do it. I just can't. I can't say "Oh em gee, I'm unhealthy what am I doing to myself!" Because I'm 150 lbs. I have way too much fat to be in danger. I just feel like, it's okay for me because I could go awhile without eating. I know that's a stupid thing to say because starving yourself is unhealthy no matter what size you are, but...I still can't. I just can't make myself eat again. It's sort of frightening.
It took me so long to build up the courage to take off my dress. I wanted to so badly, obviously, but the whole time I just...couldn't do it. By the time I mentioned it to him, the people that are fixing up his house showed up, so we had to find some where else. (that explains the shed in his back yard.) That's where I took off the dress.
It took me awhile. I kept explaining to him why it was so hard for me, and of course he kept saying, "It's nothing. Your scars aren't going to change my opinion of you. You're scars are beautiful because they're a part of you." I believed him, but...it was still difficult. Well, long story short, I showed him my scars, and he didn't care. I had to leave shortly afterwards, but I was glad that I got over the scar barrier. That will make it so much easier next time.
Last time I went on a date with him, I found his intense liking for me to be very inspiring. To be healthy, I mean. I thought, he thinks I'm beautiful even at this weight, so why should I try to lose more weight? I should just be happy with myself the way I am!
But this time, my reaction completely changed. He still likes me just the way I am and everything, but instead of using that as an excuse not to change, I'm using that as an excuse to change. I mean, if he thinks I'm beautiful the way I am now, how beautiful will he think I am when I'm 10 lbs. slimmer?
But, problem. As you know, I'm hanging out with my friend Kennedy*, who is a "recovering" anoretic. She's scarily slim, and I always encourage her to eat more. I've been trying to eat a more balanced diet with her around because I don't want to trigger her, but of course I talked to her about it and of course she noticed my eating patterns. Last night she asked me what I had eaten that day, and I told her, (ashamed of myself because I had eaten way more than I should have.) Three pieces of candy for breakfast, coffee, three more pieces of candy in the car, some juice at Galens house, three MORE pieces of candy on the way back from Galens house (It's fourty five minutes away), a piece of cornbread and some honey, and a mini pizza. About 1300 calories. She said to me, "No offense, but you're stressing me out. You're picking up some anorexic eating habits, and it's scaring me. I don't want you to do this to yourself because you're beautiful just the way you are. I want you to be healthy." :( I remember a time when that would have made me say, "Oh my gosh she's right. I should start being healthy again." But now...it's like I just can't do it. I just can't. I can't say "Oh em gee, I'm unhealthy what am I doing to myself!" Because I'm 150 lbs. I have way too much fat to be in danger. I just feel like, it's okay for me because I could go awhile without eating. I know that's a stupid thing to say because starving yourself is unhealthy no matter what size you are, but...I still can't. I just can't make myself eat again. It's sort of frightening.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
I feel so bad. I didn't eat anything too awful today...but I wish I hadn't eaten that bite of doughnut. I may have eaten about 800 calories. I need to get control of myself. I can't take bites of things any more. Bites add up.
Unfortunately, my friends and I are going to Cinnabon tomorrow- specifically to eat a lot. Please, I want to stay sane. I know I'll cry if I eat too much tomorrow. I want to stay inside myself. I have to stay sane tomorrow. Control myself.
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Unfortunately, my friends and I are going to Cinnabon tomorrow- specifically to eat a lot. Please, I want to stay sane. I know I'll cry if I eat too much tomorrow. I want to stay inside myself. I have to stay sane tomorrow. Control myself.
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Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Ugh. Gained 3 lbs. since yesterday. It can't be real, though, must just be sodium bloat. I can't have eaten that many calories in one day. I'm going to fast as much as I can today and then weigh myself again tomorrow and we'll see.
I took an eating attitudes questionnaire. If you got a score more than 24, you were at a high risk of developing an eating disorder/already had one. I scored a 40. :(
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I took an eating attitudes questionnaire. If you got a score more than 24, you were at a high risk of developing an eating disorder/already had one. I scored a 40. :(
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Even though I felt I ate a lot today (well, technically yesterday.) I don't think I did TOO badly. 2,000 calories tops. (I drank some wine since last post.) That sucks but...I shouldn't gain weight from it. I did a lot of walking today. And anyway, this should help my metabolism, right? So, it's actually sort of a good thing. And I'm not going to suddenly gain five lbs from eating a bit extra. I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I'm okay. *breathes*
Tomorrow is a new day...and what a good day it will be! I'm going to see Galen! (Name changed of course.) I'm the exact same weight as I was the last time saw him. That half sucks, but half owns. I was hoping I would be even hotter this time, but at least I'm not fatter than I was last time. And he thought I was hot last time, so...(And I don't question that he thinks I'm hot, because why would he even date me if he didn't?)
I'm nervous. I have to show him my scars this time. He knows what happened to me four years ago, and he knows I have scars, but I'm still really nervous about showing them. I'll be okay.
I'm staying up all night tonight. I'm going to see how long I can go without sleeping. I took uppers a couple of hours ago, so...
And I shouldn't be that exhausted tomorrow. We'll see.
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Tomorrow is a new day...and what a good day it will be! I'm going to see Galen! (Name changed of course.) I'm the exact same weight as I was the last time saw him. That half sucks, but half owns. I was hoping I would be even hotter this time, but at least I'm not fatter than I was last time. And he thought I was hot last time, so...(And I don't question that he thinks I'm hot, because why would he even date me if he didn't?)
I'm nervous. I have to show him my scars this time. He knows what happened to me four years ago, and he knows I have scars, but I'm still really nervous about showing them. I'll be okay.
I'm staying up all night tonight. I'm going to see how long I can go without sleeping. I took uppers a couple of hours ago, so...
And I shouldn't be that exhausted tomorrow. We'll see.
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Monday, March 14, 2011
I'm so fat. The binge that I've been bracing for finally happened. :(
I feel like I'm going right back to where I started and I'm just going to binge myself into oblivion...even though I ate maybe 1600 calories, which isn't that awful. I mean, come on. I used to eat that much in a normal day. But that's just the problem...it's NORMAL. I don't want to be normal. Not any more.
Tomorrow is a new day. New start. I'm taking a laxative tonight and I'm restricting severely tomorrow. Wish me luck.
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I feel like I'm going right back to where I started and I'm just going to binge myself into oblivion...even though I ate maybe 1600 calories, which isn't that awful. I mean, come on. I used to eat that much in a normal day. But that's just the problem...it's NORMAL. I don't want to be normal. Not any more.
Tomorrow is a new day. New start. I'm taking a laxative tonight and I'm restricting severely tomorrow. Wish me luck.
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Wow
150.6 lbs! I've lost almost five lbs. in just a few short weeks. And I hardly had to try. My friend is staying with me over spring break. She has an ED, and I spoke to her last night about what's been happening. I found it really interesting talking to her...but I wish she wouldn't do this to herself. I feel like it's okay for me to do it because I'm 150 lbs, but she's 105. She can't keep doing this to herself...she'll die eventually from this. And I don't want her to die. I don't want her to keep damaging her body this way.
But anyway, I'm tired right now. Just know that I'm in a really good mood because I'm 150 lbs. again.
But anyway, I'm tired right now. Just know that I'm in a really good mood because I'm 150 lbs. again.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
I can't wait for my next therapy session.
To lie.
To spin fake fairy tales with my tongue, all about how I have been eating Healthier Than Ever and I've been exercising Four or Five Times A Week and I've already lost Five Lbs. The Healthy Way.
Forget about the therapists appointment, how about my next doctors appointment? That'll be great fun. Hopefully by then I'll be 145 lbs and I'll get to say the lies again and how the hypothyroidism treatment must be working.
I can't wait.
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To lie.
To spin fake fairy tales with my tongue, all about how I have been eating Healthier Than Ever and I've been exercising Four or Five Times A Week and I've already lost Five Lbs. The Healthy Way.
Forget about the therapists appointment, how about my next doctors appointment? That'll be great fun. Hopefully by then I'll be 145 lbs and I'll get to say the lies again and how the hypothyroidism treatment must be working.
I can't wait.
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Saturday, March 12, 2011
Bracing
I'm bracing myself.
Getting ready for the binge. I know it's coming...I've been eating 300-800 calories a day for a week, not even intentially. The binge must come soon. I didn't used to be able to do anything even CLOSE to this: I used to binge after what, a half a day, one day of restriction. I used to have to eat at least two thousand calories every other day (the alternate day diet, remember? XD) to control my appetite. But now...I don't know. I felt as though I was going to binge all day today, but some how, I didn't. I just didn't want to. I take a couple of bites of something and...I'm done with it.
What's going on in my brain? It's like my body suddenly decided not to cooperate. Or...should that be cooperate? I don't know. I'll see what happens.
Getting ready for the binge. I know it's coming...I've been eating 300-800 calories a day for a week, not even intentially. The binge must come soon. I didn't used to be able to do anything even CLOSE to this: I used to binge after what, a half a day, one day of restriction. I used to have to eat at least two thousand calories every other day (the alternate day diet, remember? XD) to control my appetite. But now...I don't know. I felt as though I was going to binge all day today, but some how, I didn't. I just didn't want to. I take a couple of bites of something and...I'm done with it.
What's going on in my brain? It's like my body suddenly decided not to cooperate. Or...should that be cooperate? I don't know. I'll see what happens.
Things to Say
I'm reading this nifty blog at nomorepessimistic.xanga.com. I remember reading this site before and it would totally convince me to start eating healthy again- which is a good thing! However, now, when I read it, I have a few things to say about it.
She is right. There is a huge difference between crash dieting and anorexia- and a lot of "anas" are crash dieters. Wanting an eating disorder is stupid. Believing you can just "start" on an eating disorder is equally stupid. There is a lot of misconceptions out there about anorexia- and a majority of the public is ignorant.
The dangers of ANY eating disorder-anorexia, bulimia, COE, BE, EDNOS are serious and should never be made lightly of. An individual who suffers from a severe eating disorder is living in a hell. Their entire life is consumed by the ED.
However, I do NOT agree with the penchant that all individuals with an eating disorders WILL fall into severe anorexia. Yes, a diet or EDNOS can turn into severe anorexia, and they should be avoided at all costs- but not every single person who has EDNOS will starve themselves to death. EDNOS is a complicated diagnosis, and it is different for nearly every individual. There is no set behavior pattern for somebody with EDNOS, as anybody with an eating disorder should know. It is not impossible to live with an eating disorder.
Of course, the point is moot. Any individual with an eating disorder- EDNOS, anorexia, bulima, etc., is at danger to damage his/her body. Eating disorders should NEVER be encouraged.
She is right. There is a huge difference between crash dieting and anorexia- and a lot of "anas" are crash dieters. Wanting an eating disorder is stupid. Believing you can just "start" on an eating disorder is equally stupid. There is a lot of misconceptions out there about anorexia- and a majority of the public is ignorant.
The dangers of ANY eating disorder-anorexia, bulimia, COE, BE, EDNOS are serious and should never be made lightly of. An individual who suffers from a severe eating disorder is living in a hell. Their entire life is consumed by the ED.
However, I do NOT agree with the penchant that all individuals with an eating disorders WILL fall into severe anorexia. Yes, a diet or EDNOS can turn into severe anorexia, and they should be avoided at all costs- but not every single person who has EDNOS will starve themselves to death. EDNOS is a complicated diagnosis, and it is different for nearly every individual. There is no set behavior pattern for somebody with EDNOS, as anybody with an eating disorder should know. It is not impossible to live with an eating disorder.
Of course, the point is moot. Any individual with an eating disorder- EDNOS, anorexia, bulima, etc., is at danger to damage his/her body. Eating disorders should NEVER be encouraged.
152 lbs. Again.
Well, yesterday went well. I went to a restaurant with that guy and I got the Carribean salad...I didn't eat it though. It's too bad, because I really enjoy the Carribean salad. I told him it was because I was cold and the salad was cold, and I didn't want to make myself colder...which was half true, but still sort of stupid. I got a cup of coffee instead, and we went for a walk afterwards. Yay, I got my exercise in!
I weighed myself this morning. 151.8 lbs, so about 152 lbs. That's good, I haven't been less than 154 lbs in months...but I don't feel as excited as I should. Honestly though, what was I expecting? It's not like I'll magically be 140 lbs. or something! XD I'm glad to be back at 152 lbs, finally. I can see some weight loss in my face and legs. My face, especially, looks slimmer. I'm happy. My body is good.
Problem is, I'm really jittery now. My heart is beating fast and I'm shaking a bit. I think I'm just dehydrated, because my throat is really sore, and laxatives DO cause dehydration. Off to drink some water, and maybe ride my bicycle Later to get rid of some energy.
I weighed myself this morning. 151.8 lbs, so about 152 lbs. That's good, I haven't been less than 154 lbs in months...but I don't feel as excited as I should. Honestly though, what was I expecting? It's not like I'll magically be 140 lbs. or something! XD I'm glad to be back at 152 lbs, finally. I can see some weight loss in my face and legs. My face, especially, looks slimmer. I'm happy. My body is good.
Problem is, I'm really jittery now. My heart is beating fast and I'm shaking a bit. I think I'm just dehydrated, because my throat is really sore, and laxatives DO cause dehydration. Off to drink some water, and maybe ride my bicycle Later to get rid of some energy.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Come back, Followers. :(
Is anybody there? Are my followers still reading me? Am I alone? Did I scare you away?
I'm watching a video called "Extreme Diets" on youtube, and I feel like a lot of these diets that they go on...I don't know...I think that it's exaggerated. These medical professionals say "AS SOON as you stop eating you'll have this this and this." The women, they cry about how touchy they are, about how depressed they are, about all they can think about is food. I think that it may be a bit exaggerated in them, because they went straight from eating a completely normal diet to being "anorexic." They have a completely normal appetite, and they are totally normal. Of course it's going to fuck with them.
Don't get me wrong. Pro-ana diets are stupid and crash diets are stupid, and nobody should go on one. It's good that they are making these videos to show girls what happens. But it is a bit exaggerated for them. I can say that for me, since my appetite died and I started eating less, I've actually been happier. I've had the same amount of energy and nobody has noticed a mood change in me.
Anyway, today I had a bite of a donut (literally one bite), a coffee, some popcorn, a cookie, and a few crackers. That's about 300-350 calories total. The popcorn was pretty good, actually. I took some laxatives a bit ago because I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow (I'm just finishing my period.) Wish me luck, ladies!
Later...
Going out with a guy tonight. I'm not all that interested in dating him but...I'll humor him. I took some uppers a little bit a go and I'm in a really good mood.
I'm watching a video called "Extreme Diets" on youtube, and I feel like a lot of these diets that they go on...I don't know...I think that it's exaggerated. These medical professionals say "AS SOON as you stop eating you'll have this this and this." The women, they cry about how touchy they are, about how depressed they are, about all they can think about is food. I think that it may be a bit exaggerated in them, because they went straight from eating a completely normal diet to being "anorexic." They have a completely normal appetite, and they are totally normal. Of course it's going to fuck with them.
Don't get me wrong. Pro-ana diets are stupid and crash diets are stupid, and nobody should go on one. It's good that they are making these videos to show girls what happens. But it is a bit exaggerated for them. I can say that for me, since my appetite died and I started eating less, I've actually been happier. I've had the same amount of energy and nobody has noticed a mood change in me.
Anyway, today I had a bite of a donut (literally one bite), a coffee, some popcorn, a cookie, and a few crackers. That's about 300-350 calories total. The popcorn was pretty good, actually. I took some laxatives a bit ago because I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow (I'm just finishing my period.) Wish me luck, ladies!
Later...
Going out with a guy tonight. I'm not all that interested in dating him but...I'll humor him. I took some uppers a little bit a go and I'm in a really good mood.
Reading my last few posts I realized that I sound angry, unhappy. I'm not unhappy: I'm very happy. I'm happier than I've ever been. I'm proud of myself. I'm excited for the future. I want to sing off the rooftops and climb mountains and fall in love and smoke weed. I'm alive.
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Thursday, March 10, 2011
I don't know why I fucking forced myself to eat today. I didn't want to ruin my metabolism I guess. But I literally had to force myself to eat, and I could have been perfectly fucking fine on a few bites here and there. I feel terrible. I probably ate close to 1500 cals today. Ugh.
Went out to a pizza bar with my siblings. I didn't want to eat any pizza, because it all tasted gross. I have been to this pizza parlour before (my nieces birthday last year) and I ate a lot then...but I never realised how gross it is. Ugh. Did any of you ever notice how much like snot pizza tastes? And it's like I could taste the fat and empty calories crawling into my blood stream to tuck themselves away into my fat stores. I had a tiny bite of one slice of pizza and threw the other two pieces away, ate salad, and a couple of bites grabbed from the others plates, and a bit of candy after.
I swear, I will never force myself to eat 3 400 calorie meals ever again. I feel awful.
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Went out to a pizza bar with my siblings. I didn't want to eat any pizza, because it all tasted gross. I have been to this pizza parlour before (my nieces birthday last year) and I ate a lot then...but I never realised how gross it is. Ugh. Did any of you ever notice how much like snot pizza tastes? And it's like I could taste the fat and empty calories crawling into my blood stream to tuck themselves away into my fat stores. I had a tiny bite of one slice of pizza and threw the other two pieces away, ate salad, and a couple of bites grabbed from the others plates, and a bit of candy after.
I swear, I will never force myself to eat 3 400 calorie meals ever again. I feel awful.
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Punishment
Yesterday, I ate bites of things here and there. I was proud? I know I shouldn't be. I probably ate about 500 calories. I'm not sure. Today, I'm trying to eat a bit more. I ate an omelette this morning (200 calories), coffee (35) and a protien bar (110).
As I was eating, though, I found myself not enjoying the food, at all. The eggs and cheese tasted heavy, too rubbery, and the ketchup on top made it worse. The bread was better. It seems all my body really wants to eat is carbs...which makes sense, since carbs provide energy to the body.
Yesterday I went to grilled cheese Wednesday with my friends. I got a bit of salad, a few teaspoons of mac n' cheese, a couple of cookies, and a water. I couldn't eat the pasta. I could taste the butter they used in it, and the starches of the pasta and cheese made it all the less appealing. I threw it away. The salad was fine, and I ate a bite of the cookie and gave the rest to my friend. The weird thing was, I kept going back for another cookie, took a bite and gave the rest to my friend. I did this about three times. After one bite, I didn't want to eat the rest.
I'm not really sure why I'm acting like this so suddenly. It's like a switch went off in my head.
Should I just accept it? It's like there's something in my head- I won't call it "ana", because that seems silly, but it's telling me to just accept it. To not fight it, to not try to eat more. It's whispering in my ear, telling me to take the gift I've so suddenly been given. But is it really a gift? It seems like more of a curse. And I worry that if I "accept" it, it'll suddenly change and I'll want to eat again. It'll go away as quickly as it came.
It's funny because so many of you portray anorexia as lovely, as great. As something to be desired. You even call it "ana" and act like she's your friend...so many girls do that. So many girls want that in their lives, and want to be thin. But I've felt anorexia, not ana. I've felt what it's like to not want to eat. Not because you want to be thin...but because you feel like dying. Because your body just doesn't want any food. In the hospital, four years ago, after my car accident, I dropped down to a very low weight. I didn't want to be small, I just didn't want to eat. And now, I'm feeling that way again. I don't know why. What is it this time? The desire to be thin? The desire for attention? Why did it happen so suddenly? What is going on in my head? What's wrong with me?
I'm going to accept it. I want to accept it so badly. I want to lose weight suddenly and not be able to fit in my clothes. I have this desire to have somebody fret over me, just a bit. This sick desire to take away from my body. Although she's strong and she's made me live, She's held onto fat and created scars from small scratches. She's hurt me. She's been a bother to me, and while I love her, I hate her too. I want to punish her. I want to punish my body for what she's done to me. What's so unusual is that I don't think that I'm that fat and hideous. I think my body is pretty alright, actually. But...I don't know. I don't want to be alright. I don't want people to say "you're not fat, you're average sized. BUT if you WANT to lose weight, try such and such." NO! I want people to say "You're not fat. Don't try to lose any more weight." Meh. I don't know. I'm a selfish bitch. XD
I currently weigh 155 lbs. (I know, that's sort of heavy.)
My goal weight (for now) is 140. My short term goal weight is 149, and then 145. If it's possible for me to get to 140, I may go lower.
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As I was eating, though, I found myself not enjoying the food, at all. The eggs and cheese tasted heavy, too rubbery, and the ketchup on top made it worse. The bread was better. It seems all my body really wants to eat is carbs...which makes sense, since carbs provide energy to the body.
Yesterday I went to grilled cheese Wednesday with my friends. I got a bit of salad, a few teaspoons of mac n' cheese, a couple of cookies, and a water. I couldn't eat the pasta. I could taste the butter they used in it, and the starches of the pasta and cheese made it all the less appealing. I threw it away. The salad was fine, and I ate a bite of the cookie and gave the rest to my friend. The weird thing was, I kept going back for another cookie, took a bite and gave the rest to my friend. I did this about three times. After one bite, I didn't want to eat the rest.
I'm not really sure why I'm acting like this so suddenly. It's like a switch went off in my head.
Should I just accept it? It's like there's something in my head- I won't call it "ana", because that seems silly, but it's telling me to just accept it. To not fight it, to not try to eat more. It's whispering in my ear, telling me to take the gift I've so suddenly been given. But is it really a gift? It seems like more of a curse. And I worry that if I "accept" it, it'll suddenly change and I'll want to eat again. It'll go away as quickly as it came.
It's funny because so many of you portray anorexia as lovely, as great. As something to be desired. You even call it "ana" and act like she's your friend...so many girls do that. So many girls want that in their lives, and want to be thin. But I've felt anorexia, not ana. I've felt what it's like to not want to eat. Not because you want to be thin...but because you feel like dying. Because your body just doesn't want any food. In the hospital, four years ago, after my car accident, I dropped down to a very low weight. I didn't want to be small, I just didn't want to eat. And now, I'm feeling that way again. I don't know why. What is it this time? The desire to be thin? The desire for attention? Why did it happen so suddenly? What is going on in my head? What's wrong with me?
I'm going to accept it. I want to accept it so badly. I want to lose weight suddenly and not be able to fit in my clothes. I have this desire to have somebody fret over me, just a bit. This sick desire to take away from my body. Although she's strong and she's made me live, She's held onto fat and created scars from small scratches. She's hurt me. She's been a bother to me, and while I love her, I hate her too. I want to punish her. I want to punish my body for what she's done to me. What's so unusual is that I don't think that I'm that fat and hideous. I think my body is pretty alright, actually. But...I don't know. I don't want to be alright. I don't want people to say "you're not fat, you're average sized. BUT if you WANT to lose weight, try such and such." NO! I want people to say "You're not fat. Don't try to lose any more weight." Meh. I don't know. I'm a selfish bitch. XD
I currently weigh 155 lbs. (I know, that's sort of heavy.)
My goal weight (for now) is 140. My short term goal weight is 149, and then 145. If it's possible for me to get to 140, I may go lower.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Wednesday, March 09, 2011
Sick and Tired
So far today, I have eaten a bite of a doughnut. I thought about eating an omelete or some oatmeal or a banana, but I just didn't want to. I opened the fridge and looked at the ingredients and just thought "Well, I ate a bite of donut, and that's really awful food. So I should not eat anything else for breakfast." Now I'm drinking coffee, thirty-five calories in it. That's okay. I can't help but wonder, can I go all day without eating? I probably can. If eating a little bit makes me happy, I can't help but wonder how happy not eating at all will make me.
I haven't weighed myself still. I don't want to see the number. I'm afraid that I've some how gained weight, and that will just be horrible if I have.
I'm just so sick of eating, of food, of always having to think and obsess and wonder if something is healthy or not. I'm so fucking annoyed with everybody telling me different things, of thinking somethings healthy but having somebody else say "That's full of sugar!" There's so much conflicting information out there. Should I eat a lot of protien? A lot of fat? No carbs? An even balance of the three? I'm just so sick of it all! I'm so annoyed with food, healthy food, unhealthy food, it doesn't matter! I'm sick of the guilt I feel when I eat. I'm sick of feeling bad about myself when my friend mentions that she hasn't been eating much lately, and feeling like such a fatty. I'm so sick of my fat friend saying that she's the same size as me, and my best friend overeating with me late at night and laughing the next day at how unhealthy we are. I'm sick of wanting food, of dieting and dieting and exercising and not losing anything. I'm sick of my stubborn metabolism.
I'm so fucking sick and tired of eating.
Tuesday, March 08, 2011
I'm Back.
I'm back.
Sigh.
Of course.
I tried doing the whole "1400-1800 calories a day plus exercise" thing, but...I didn't lose weight. I didn't really notice any difference at all. I said, of course not, I'll just keep trying. Well, I went to a doctor a while ago and he told me not to obsess, to eat healthy and exercise. He told me not to count calories any more, and to not exercise obsessively. He basically told me that I was healthy and that I didn't really need to lose weight, and I should just work on being as healthy as I can. Well, I panicked. I tried to stop counting calories, and I actually didn't for about a week...but, at the end of every day, I felt disappointed in myself. I would say, "I didn't eat healthy enough today. I have to do better tomorrow." And I would try to eat healthy without counting calories, but I either I counted calories in my head or I felt gross. I went to lunch with my friend Colin and told him about what my doctor said, and Colin said "Well, just stop it when it gets dangerous, then," like it was so obvious. I mean, just the way he said it, like it was so obviously not dangerous yet, and how I should starve myself because I'm so fat. I mean, I know that's not what he meant but...that's what it felt like. Well, then I went to my psychiatrist and she renewed my perscription to Vyvanse and...that's sort of where things have gone downhill. I haven't really had much of an appetite. I just don't want to eat anything. It's like, I don't want to eat unhealthy because I'm afraid to gain weight, so I want to find something healthy...but nothing really seems healthy enough. I eat bites of things here and there, maybe a bit of a doughnut, a salad, a granola bar or some nuts, but the bites of anything unhealthy makes me feel bad, so I think "As long as I don't eat a lot I should still be okay." I've taken Vyvanse a couple of times, but even when I don't take it, I just have no appetite. I thought about doing the alternate day diet again, since that seemed to work pretty well, but whenever I think "I should eat more today," I counteract it with "No, not yet, you didn't do that well yesterday. Just don't eat a lot today."
I haven't really been counting my calories, persay, but I've been keeping track of them in my head, and as far as I can tell, I've been eating about 800-1000 calories a day. Not low enough for me to really be concerned. I don't know. I think I'm okay. It's not that bad.
I'm not sure why I'm doing this again. I want to lose weight, of course, but that's really not my priority. I haven't even weighed myself in about a month. Yeah, I'm a little but thick, but I don't think I'm a huge shamoo or anything. It's like, when that doctor said that to me, it just made me panic. Don't get me wrong, that's exactly what he should have said, but it backfired. Him saying that to me...sort of made me want to do it more. Does that make sense? I don't know... I got some attention from him, and he was worried about me...and I want more of it. I know that sounds awful. But attention from men- particularly, older men- makes me so happy, whether it's from a doctor or from my friends dad. I want him to be worried about me. I want Galen to worry about me. Also, I've noticed I sort of like this more than I ever have. Of course, I was always a little weird about my eating but now, I want to not eat more than I want to eat.
And the hunger pangs- oh, the hunger pangs. I always have hunger pangs, whether I just ate fifteen minutes ago or I haven't eaten at all, so I figure "Why even eat in the first place? You'll just be hungry again fifteen minutes later! So you may as well just not eat anything." Not eating anything gets rid of the hunger pangs faster than eating, because if you just leave your stomach empty the hunger pangs eventually go away. And when I eat something I just think "Ugh. Now you're going to have the hunger pangs even worse!" Well, anyway, like I said, I'm not worried. I'm sure I'll be fine.
Sigh.
Of course.
I tried doing the whole "1400-1800 calories a day plus exercise" thing, but...I didn't lose weight. I didn't really notice any difference at all. I said, of course not, I'll just keep trying. Well, I went to a doctor a while ago and he told me not to obsess, to eat healthy and exercise. He told me not to count calories any more, and to not exercise obsessively. He basically told me that I was healthy and that I didn't really need to lose weight, and I should just work on being as healthy as I can. Well, I panicked. I tried to stop counting calories, and I actually didn't for about a week...but, at the end of every day, I felt disappointed in myself. I would say, "I didn't eat healthy enough today. I have to do better tomorrow." And I would try to eat healthy without counting calories, but I either I counted calories in my head or I felt gross. I went to lunch with my friend Colin and told him about what my doctor said, and Colin said "Well, just stop it when it gets dangerous, then," like it was so obvious. I mean, just the way he said it, like it was so obviously not dangerous yet, and how I should starve myself because I'm so fat. I mean, I know that's not what he meant but...that's what it felt like. Well, then I went to my psychiatrist and she renewed my perscription to Vyvanse and...that's sort of where things have gone downhill. I haven't really had much of an appetite. I just don't want to eat anything. It's like, I don't want to eat unhealthy because I'm afraid to gain weight, so I want to find something healthy...but nothing really seems healthy enough. I eat bites of things here and there, maybe a bit of a doughnut, a salad, a granola bar or some nuts, but the bites of anything unhealthy makes me feel bad, so I think "As long as I don't eat a lot I should still be okay." I've taken Vyvanse a couple of times, but even when I don't take it, I just have no appetite. I thought about doing the alternate day diet again, since that seemed to work pretty well, but whenever I think "I should eat more today," I counteract it with "No, not yet, you didn't do that well yesterday. Just don't eat a lot today."
I haven't really been counting my calories, persay, but I've been keeping track of them in my head, and as far as I can tell, I've been eating about 800-1000 calories a day. Not low enough for me to really be concerned. I don't know. I think I'm okay. It's not that bad.
I'm not sure why I'm doing this again. I want to lose weight, of course, but that's really not my priority. I haven't even weighed myself in about a month. Yeah, I'm a little but thick, but I don't think I'm a huge shamoo or anything. It's like, when that doctor said that to me, it just made me panic. Don't get me wrong, that's exactly what he should have said, but it backfired. Him saying that to me...sort of made me want to do it more. Does that make sense? I don't know... I got some attention from him, and he was worried about me...and I want more of it. I know that sounds awful. But attention from men- particularly, older men- makes me so happy, whether it's from a doctor or from my friends dad. I want him to be worried about me. I want Galen to worry about me. Also, I've noticed I sort of like this more than I ever have. Of course, I was always a little weird about my eating but now, I want to not eat more than I want to eat.
And the hunger pangs- oh, the hunger pangs. I always have hunger pangs, whether I just ate fifteen minutes ago or I haven't eaten at all, so I figure "Why even eat in the first place? You'll just be hungry again fifteen minutes later! So you may as well just not eat anything." Not eating anything gets rid of the hunger pangs faster than eating, because if you just leave your stomach empty the hunger pangs eventually go away. And when I eat something I just think "Ugh. Now you're going to have the hunger pangs even worse!" Well, anyway, like I said, I'm not worried. I'm sure I'll be fine.
Saturday, January 08, 2011
Goodbye.
I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of being unhappy and comparing myself to other people. I'm fucking sick and tired of thinking that if I don't restrict, I'm weak and fat. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of having BDD and relapsing into it, and finding solace in this blog and other blogs and thinking it's okay to do this to myself. I want to recover. I want to be better. I don't want to do this any more. I don't give a flying fuck if I have a diagnosis of EDNOS or not. I don't care if I have a "real" eating disorder or not. This is retarded. I'm sick of it. I don't want to be sick. I'm sorry. I'm leaving. Call me weak. Call me stupid. Feel like you're better than I am because you are ana. But you're not. I want health and I can't fully embrace it knowing this blog is here. Goodbye.
Friday, January 07, 2011
I'm stuck.
I'm trapped. This is frustrating. I want to lose weight but I don't know what to do.
Starve? Fast?
Eat?
2000 calories today or 500? Both? Neither?
Exercise.
Thinspo.
Fat.
Thin.
Fast.
Eat.
I don't know what to do.
I'm going to die not knowing what to do. I can't stand not losing weight but I can't stand starving myself. I like food. Sometimes I eat a lot. Sometimes I don't eat enough. I don't know what to do.
I'm stuck.
Starve? Fast?
Eat?
2000 calories today or 500? Both? Neither?
Exercise.
Thinspo.
Fat.
Thin.
Fast.
Eat.
I don't know what to do.
I'm going to die not knowing what to do. I can't stand not losing weight but I can't stand starving myself. I like food. Sometimes I eat a lot. Sometimes I don't eat enough. I don't know what to do.
I'm stuck.
Thursday, January 06, 2011
I am not happy. I am fat. I am fat and I am most certainly NOT happy. I tried changing in different ways- I tried eating really healthy and not obsess and exercise everyday and where has that gotten me? NO WHERE. The only time I can remember losing weight is when I was alt fasting. And now, I just don't have the will power for it. I tried doing it and couldn't do it, as you've read, and I said "Oh well it's not healthy anyway! I'm going to be healthy from now on! Yeah!" but you know what? It is perfectly healthy for an overweight person to do. So, I'm trying again. I can't stop trying. I have protein shakes, protein bars, and cereals to help me. I WILL do this. I will find the will power to lose these pounds.
Food journal-
Breakfast
Health shake- 130
Nutrigrain bar- 130
Lunch-
1 slice of toast and cheese- 60
1 Bowl of salad- 280
Snacks-
1/2 Bowl of cereal- 100
Dinner- protien shake- 190
Totalish- 1175
Exercise- aerobics- 100
Biking- 400
Sorry I'm sort of in a rush.
- Posted from the outside world.
Food journal-
Breakfast
Health shake- 130
Nutrigrain bar- 130
Lunch-
1 slice of toast and cheese- 60
1 Bowl of salad- 280
Snacks-
1/2 Bowl of cereal- 100
Dinner- protien shake- 190
Totalish- 1175
Exercise- aerobics- 100
Biking- 400
Sorry I'm sort of in a rush.
- Posted from the outside world.
Wednesday, January 05, 2011
More weight loss! Whew. I think that this reduced exercise program is working. :D I did 45 minutes on the stationary bike yesterday, 30 minutes on the wii fit, 20 sit ups and 30 push aways. Today I'm doing 30 minutes of aerobic exercise (light impact) and 20 sit ups and 30 push aways. I felt really great last night- I followed my diet plan perfectly, except for that bag of nuts. 300 calories of just nuts! That's fucking ridiculous, but I ran out of energy at about 3 and the nuts were the closest thing. Anyway, today I packed a smaller bag of nuts in my back back so hopefully that won't happen again.
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
Weight Loss :)
Well, my weight has gone down a couple of lbs. That's a good sign, because that means that my weight is finally starting to drop.
My short term goal is 153 by January 11th; I'm starting my adjusted diet today, so hopefully it'll help me lose weight. I decided that I'm not going to eat under 1300 calories on any given day. I know it seems retarded, since I AM overweight and it just makes sense that the less I eat the more weight I would lose, but in the past eating 1200 calories just didn't work for me. Eating 1300-1500 calories seems to be the best way to avoid binging, and it gives me more energy to exercise.
Today I'm eating about 1300 calories.
Breakfast-
Carnation Instant Breakfast- 200
Coffee Creamer- 30
230
Snack- Fiber Bar
130
Lunch-
1 Cup Special K Cereal- 130
1/2 cup milk- 50
1 Apple
250
Snack-
Packaged nuts- 300
Dinner-
Avocado Cheese Veggie Burger- 340
Fudge pop- 40
My short term goal is 153 by January 11th; I'm starting my adjusted diet today, so hopefully it'll help me lose weight. I decided that I'm not going to eat under 1300 calories on any given day. I know it seems retarded, since I AM overweight and it just makes sense that the less I eat the more weight I would lose, but in the past eating 1200 calories just didn't work for me. Eating 1300-1500 calories seems to be the best way to avoid binging, and it gives me more energy to exercise.
Today I'm eating about 1300 calories.
Breakfast-
Carnation Instant Breakfast- 200
Coffee Creamer- 30
230
Snack- Fiber Bar
130
Lunch-
1 Cup Special K Cereal- 130
1/2 cup milk- 50
1 Apple
250
Snack-
Packaged nuts- 300
Dinner-
Avocado Cheese Veggie Burger- 340
Fudge pop- 40
Monday, January 03, 2011
Weight gain
I've gained more weight. I feel awful. I weigh 158 lbs. How...?
I measured myself and haven't gained any inches...40-30-40. Same as when I was 153/155. I'm assuming it's muscle, since I've been exercising so much. So I've decided that every other day, I'm going to to aerobic exercise for only 30 minutes. You know, walking, yoga, something easy. I think maybe that'll give my body time to burn off fat instead of building muscle. I'm going to keep drinking a meal replacement drink (200 cals) for breakfast but I'm going to eat 100 calorie snacks 2 times a day, and eat 400 cal meals for lunch and dinner. Sigh.
I'm so sick of gaining weight. Why am I gaining? I should be LOSING. I'm doing everything right.
I ate 1700 calories today and exercised off the 200 calories excess so I wouldn't gain. I'm going to continue dieting and exercising though, just today I need a bit of a break. I'm adjusting my diet to facilitate weight loss, and read up on the Special K diet and the Slim Fast diet, thought about what has worked in the past, and nutrition. Here is my adjusted diet plan-
(Some days 1300 calories, some day 1700, some in between.)
Breakfast- Breakfast Shake
(10:00 am) Snack- Fiber Bar/Apple
(12:00 pm) Lunch- Bowl of Cereal and yogurt
(3:00 pm) Snack- Fiber Bar/Cottage Cheese
(6:00 pm) Dinner- 500 calorie meal.
Exercise (2 hours one day, 30 min the next)
(adjust for calories)
I want these adjustments to work. I want to see the weight come off. I'm hoping that a changed exercise and diet program will work. I've begun keeping a food journal again and will start setting alarms on my phone. I want these changes to work.
Goals- get back to 150 lbs by the 28th of January.
Get to 145 by 28 of February.
I measured myself and haven't gained any inches...40-30-40. Same as when I was 153/155. I'm assuming it's muscle, since I've been exercising so much. So I've decided that every other day, I'm going to to aerobic exercise for only 30 minutes. You know, walking, yoga, something easy. I think maybe that'll give my body time to burn off fat instead of building muscle. I'm going to keep drinking a meal replacement drink (200 cals) for breakfast but I'm going to eat 100 calorie snacks 2 times a day, and eat 400 cal meals for lunch and dinner. Sigh.
I'm so sick of gaining weight. Why am I gaining? I should be LOSING. I'm doing everything right.
I ate 1700 calories today and exercised off the 200 calories excess so I wouldn't gain. I'm going to continue dieting and exercising though, just today I need a bit of a break. I'm adjusting my diet to facilitate weight loss, and read up on the Special K diet and the Slim Fast diet, thought about what has worked in the past, and nutrition. Here is my adjusted diet plan-
(Some days 1300 calories, some day 1700, some in between.)
Breakfast- Breakfast Shake
(10:00 am) Snack- Fiber Bar/Apple
(12:00 pm) Lunch- Bowl of Cereal and yogurt
(3:00 pm) Snack- Fiber Bar/Cottage Cheese
(6:00 pm) Dinner- 500 calorie meal.
Exercise (2 hours one day, 30 min the next)
(adjust for calories)
I want these adjustments to work. I want to see the weight come off. I'm hoping that a changed exercise and diet program will work. I've begun keeping a food journal again and will start setting alarms on my phone. I want these changes to work.
Goals- get back to 150 lbs by the 28th of January.
Get to 145 by 28 of February.
Sunday, January 02, 2011
Today
Forgot to do my food journal yesterday, but I can tell you that I ate 1545 calories and exercised for three hours.
Food Journal
Intake
Breakfast-
Carnation Instant Breakfast- 190
Coffee Creamer- 30
220
Lunch-
1 Kashi Chocolate and Nuts Bar- 120
1 Grilled Cheese Sandwich- 190
1/2 cup Split Pea Soup- 82.5
1 strawberry chocolate parfait- 120
512
Food Journal
Intake
Breakfast-
Carnation Instant Breakfast- 190
Coffee Creamer- 30
220
Lunch-
1 Kashi Chocolate and Nuts Bar- 120
1 Grilled Cheese Sandwich- 190
1/2 cup Split Pea Soup- 82.5
1 strawberry chocolate parfait- 120
512
Saturday, January 01, 2011
I've decided something!
Even though I love eating a healthy, balanced diet, I really want to lose weight faster. So, on top of increasing my bike riding to 15 miles a day, I'm going to start drinking a smoothies for breakfast instead of a full meal, then eating healthy, balanced meals for my other two. my smoothie will consist of protein powder, fiber, and maybe fruit, soy milk, or some other additive for flavor.
- Posted from the outside world.
Even though I love eating a healthy, balanced diet, I really want to lose weight faster. So, on top of increasing my bike riding to 15 miles a day, I'm going to start drinking a smoothies for breakfast instead of a full meal, then eating healthy, balanced meals for my other two. my smoothie will consist of protein powder, fiber, and maybe fruit, soy milk, or some other additive for flavor.
- Posted from the outside world.
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