goodnight....

Well, today, after using the restroom (no artificial assistance required this time.) and before eating breakfast I weighed in at 153.0 lbs! That's right ladies and gentlemen, an entire lb. down from yesterday! It just makes me more hopeful that maybe someday I can reach 140, 130...maybe even 120? Do I dare? 120 doesn't seem THAT low...a lot of girls weigh 120 lbs. I mean "too thin" is 100 lbs. Not 120. Well, anyway, that's all just talk right now...I'm 153 lbs., which is a lot better than what I used to be. At 144 lbs., I'll be officially with in the "normal" BMI range- and hopefully, with exercise and stuff, my %bf will go down too. (Right now it's 35% [a lot, I know.] which is down from 40% a few months ago. I want to get it down to 20%)
My wounds are healing nicely. My mind isn't quite as muddled as it was just a couple of days ago. I can stand up and walk around by myself now, and I don't feel that much pain. My boobs are awesome. :3 They are at a D right now, which is perfect- before they were like a DD/DDD. Now that they are lifted, I can see a teensy bit more of my rib-but just the slightest shadow of it! :( I think I'm still a size large shirt and skirt, but we'll see when I go shopping.
Speaking of shopping, I'm getting a ton of accessories on hottopic.com on clearance-thank god I god my own credit card.
Okay I'm actually falling asleep as I'm writing this now. I think I should go take a nape or somethings.

Ugh, sort of went a little bit out of my "100 calorie" eating thing this morning. Last night I made banana bread muffins with my mother. We made them "healthy" style with mimimum fat etc. but they were still approximately 226 calories each. Well, I ate one this morning with a little bit of smart balance and jam.
In better news, this is probably TMI, but apparently I had a pound of waste in my body because this morning, after doing my business, I weighed in at 154.4 lbs. Yay!

My friend, M, thinks that I lost all this weight because of the surgery- she even joked "Hard work doesn't pay off but 11000 does! Lulz! Which ticks me off because it's like, yeah, I lost ONE LB. because of the surgery, but what ever happened to the other ten lbs. I lost in two fucking weeks? Did I do all that with surgery? No! I worked really hard for that ten lbs, and I'm going to continue working for another twenty, maybe even thirty lbs, and she can suck it! She has no idea how hard I work to lose the weight, even AFTER I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism. She even complains about how my scale is broken. I love her and everything, she's my friend but aw HELL TO THE NO! She thinks MY scale is broken? No, my scale is working just FINE.

By the way, I've come up with a few "guidelines" for myself. Not rules, really, because that sounds ridiculous...I don't stick to these strictly, mind you. :)
1) Eat unlimited amounts of vegetables and apples...other fruits and vegetables are very good to eat but ) have to be careful how many I eat.
2) Get a lot of protein, like in eggs, protein bars and drinks. Becareful with the amounts of calories in drinks and bars though.
3) Drink 1 mug of green tea a day.
4) Bad foods are foods like bread that aren't from a bag (sandwich bread.) Pasta, cakes, you know, carbs and the like. If you really crave a "bad" food, replace it with a healthier version or eat only one. (Like, one forrero roccer (sp? heh) and no more. 73 calories.)
5) Do yoga everyday (obviously, I can follow that rule right now. :()
6) Go to the gym 3 times a week. (Can't follow that one either...:()

I have other things but they are too personal to put up on my blog...so heh...there you go.

(P.S. I've gone back and re-read some of my old posts...and wow I've changed!)
(P.S.S. I've done some changes to the design of my blog to try to get some readers. I hope it works.)

Things are really...swirly...right now. That's the only word I could use to describe it, swirly. Everythings blended together between real life and sleepy time and everynow and then I'll have my moments of lucidity but then I'll be half asleep again...it's because of the drugs they gave me. I feel like a robot. I'm doing everything myself but I'm pratically asleep as i'm doing those things. I'm not eating much. Today I ate 250 calories, that was about as little as I could get away with eating with my mom watching me. I'm apologizing to my body as I write this, because I know it needs more to heal, but it can get the nutrients it needs from my fat rolls, can't it? I'm so proud of my little body...I'm so proud of how hard it's working for me, and how it hardly ever complains to me about hunger...I'm really blessed to have this strong body, and it's not it's fault that I got hit by a car and everything got fucked up. It's doing the best it can...I'm so proud of it...I want to make my body look the way it deserves to look. :) I think I'm going to do the "100 calorie" thing...I'm hesitant about calling it a diet, because most people think diets are temporary. I don't want to completely starve my body of everything it loves, though, and don't want to be "anorexic..." I just want to be clean, and thin, and unlike so many obese people I know! I've changed my mind a lot through the years but this plan is the only one that has actually gotten me RESULTS! I eat little tiny meals, everything under 100 calories...and I've been doing this for a while and it WORKS. (I know it sounds totally obvious, I probably sound like such a fucking retard.)
My collarbones and neck tendons are starting to become more visible. I'm happy. :) I can SORT of see the outlines of my ribs when I lift my arms up...:O Maybe someday I'll be able to see more...I feel really clean and pure eating this way, and maybe I'll have lost a teensy bit more weight by tomorrow? TMI, but some personal things haven't been happening for me since the surgeries...that cause me to hold onto some weight...and I've taken a laxative that should work by tomorrow morning. :) Wish me luck! Or not, I don't care.
okay, I need to get off before somebody takes the internet away from me.

Today I ate-
Pineapple (40 calories)
1/2 cup of tea (0 calories)

1 piece of whole wheat toast (90 calories)
1/3 cup egg whites (30 calories)
Pineapple (40)

Chocolate (My friends brought them, the sweethearts) (73 calories)
A few wasabi peas (30 calories)

1/2 cup Homemade Chicken Veggie Soup (70 calories)
3 crackers (30 calories)
1/2 cup raspberries (32 calories)

(Okay...this is where it got bad. My mom made a bunch of food for dinner, and she wanted me to eat it. She had worked very hard. :( I don't know exact measurements)
1/2 cup pasta (100 calories)
Olive Oil (90 calories)
Chicken (90 calories)
Lettuce (20 calories)

About 800 calories total...just like yesterday. :)

Surgery really sucks. Wish I had the support I see in other blogs, but I guess it doesn't matter much does it? I still don't really feel like eating I'm tired...peace out...

I got my surgery yesterday...and allow me to say, it hurts. But not as badly as I expected it to. I look a lot better, but that may just be because of my garments holding me in...I'm hoping that I look as thin without the garments as with them. *cross your fingers...* once my boobs drop, they'll look a lot better. Right now they are very tight and high, but they'll soften...I'll just have to give them some time.
I feel sort of like a failure today. I ate 800 calories...which is okay, at least it's less than 1000, but I was sort of hoping that I'd be eating less than 500 calories per day, but whatever. It's not even about weight loss anymore- now its because I don't want to fail. I refuse to fail, to be weak... I refuse to be like my sister who gained all the weight back after her surgery, or all those people who use pain as a reason to "eat what the want." No...

156.6 lbs! Eeep! That makes 7 lbs lost in only a week and a half. By the time this week is out, I hope to lose 3 more lbs so that it'll be 10 lbs. lost, but that may be against all probability.
In other news, I got a cardio burn yoga dvd yesterday at Barnes and Nobles. Unfortunately, I won't be able to do it for a really long time. At least a month, it looks like. Maybe sooner.
Some of my clothes are a little bit loose on me, and some of them just fit me better- all that horse shit about not keeping clothes when you gain weight is just that- HORSE. SHIT. I love being able to fit into my regular clothes without sucking in or yada yada yada. And hell knows that I won't be gaining it back.
Well, I'm bored so now I shall provide to you this link of a fat woman-
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2010/06/11/health/main6571976.shtml
I really don't like fat people.
P.S.- today is an "up day." As in, I'm eating more calories than normal for the sake of my metabolism. I don't know how well I'll do after my binge last week (:() though.

158. :(

Ugh, I'm still FAT. 158 lbs. :( Sadness! I even fasted all day yesterday, besides the 300 calorie dinner. Oh well- it's better than 160, right? sigh. I took a new profile picture on my facebook and initially I thought it was adorable- but now all I see is fat.
Well, anyway, I'm trying to fast again today. This morning I thought maybe I would eat today, but I really don't feel like it. Good news is that in less than a week, I'll have reconstructive surgery. Is it bad that one of the reasons I'm really excited about it is that I'll be in constrictive garments for a month, and therefore can't eat much? Maybe after the month of fasting and healing, I'll be 150. Wouldn't that be great? Of course, I'll LOOK so much thinner because my boobs won't be so ridiculous. Seriously, they are- I can't even find a proper bra because NOBODY makes a 34DD. Except for Grandma bras. And even then I can't find anything under a 36DD. I hope that going down to a 34C will look normal on me.
Enough bitching about my weight! I'm going to a bible camp with my wife (read, best friend) K. I've mentioned it before but I'll mention it again, I suppose. She's VERY Mormon- which, you know, is a little awkward- but she's okay with the fact that I'm NOT. I have to tell her youth leader that I am a "Non-Denominational Christian," though, because he would never allow an atheist into his precious camp. Oh no! A humanist! SHE ACTUALLY BELIEVES IN BEING GOOD FOR THE SAKE OF BEING GOOD! JESUS HELP ME! I can't even REMEMBER the last time I called myself a Non-Denominational Christian....actually, I can, it was more than a year ago when I had to lie to my Christian facialist. Isn't it depressing that I can't even tell my FACIALIST that I am a Humanist? I mean honestly- I thought we were supposed to be accepting of everybody. But screw them.

Well, I've been on vacation for a good week or so, and haven't been able to update...I've done a lot of fasting over this vacation, and lost four pounds! Woot! Today, though, SUCKED. I ate WAY too much. I'll fast tomorrow?

Well, I've recently started doing yoga twice a day, and let me say, it's AWESOME. My whole body is aching right now, but it's still so AWESOME.
I've been counting my calories, and on a regular day, I've been eating about 1300 calories. Plus exercise. Unfortunately, my weight is NOT going down- 161! WTF. Ugh, the only thing I can assume is that I gained muscle weight, because there is no way I'm gaining fat.
On top of that, I didn't even go to the Operation Homefront headquarters like I planned- my mom had jury duty, and of course, she got selected on the only day she COULDN'T be selected. :( Screw that. I can't wait to get my license.

Fasting Today

I'm fasting today. I was 161 this morning, unfortunately. I'm sure it's just water weight, as my friend Morgan says. Well, my fast is going all right. I've been drinking a lot of water.
Instead of visiting the Operation Homefront headquarters tomorrow, I just have to call them because my mom has jury duty, and unfortunately, I don't have my license yet. (>.<)

My wishes...

I'm bored, so I'll write a list of my wishes. Just for because...

1) I want to be average looking. I don't care about being beautiful, but I want a somewhat neutral face. :D
2) I want to score above an 1860 on my SATS...that was my score last time.
3) I want to be 140 lbs. I don't want to be super thin but...I want to be medium sized.
4) I want to be a good person. I want to know that I've helped somebody when I go to bed at night, even if it's just my little niece who needs company.
5) I don't want my siblings to look at me and say "She's the stupid one..." I want them to be proud of me.
6) I want to prove that atheists are NOT bad people.
7) I want to feel comfortable showing of my scars in a bikini...I just have to lose weight first.
8) I want to adopt 2 or three children.
9) I want to get married to a wonderful, intelligent man...I just need to find him first. I don't want to be a spinster!
10) I want to have an interesting story to tell at the end of my life.

Ugh. Dumb water weight.
Anyway, I went to a nearby town with my sister, her girlfriend, and my niece. Jesus. We ate at a restaurant, and I got a gardenburger...but they kept trying to get me eat meat. -___- For the love...
I'm going to the shore with my bff Kennedy, and then after that, we are going to a bible camp. Now, now, I am not a christian, and I do not believe in "Jesus" but, they are going to a national park. On top of that, her stalker (who has tried to rape her on several occasions) is going, and I have to kick his ass.

Weight Fluctuations.

Bleh. I'm back to 160 lbs. I'm disappointed. Why do body's have to be so retarded? Seriously...it's fucking ghey. I understand all about weight fluctuations, but they still drive me absolutely CRAZY. I think all I can hope for is 157, even 158 by the party. :( Maybe I'll be smaller tomorrow morning...anyway, my stomach has started feeling much better, so I think that I should eat more today. I had a poptart this morning, as well as the fudge- that breakfast is very poor in quality, but hey, I wanted it. My lunch will be better. :)
Only two more days until I go to the Operation Homefront headquarters! I have an appointment with the plastic surgeon the next day. Scar revision, yah know. I'm going to ask about a bit of a tummy tuck, which will be VERY DIFFICULT with this big ass scar going from my bust to my pelvic bone. (Hell yeah, I have huge scars, you have a problem with that?)
ON TOP of that, I have an appointment with my dermatologist the next day. Sigh...I'm going to have to explain to him about the dermatillomania. I'm worried that he's going to be all "OMFG YOUR SKIN IS SO FUCKING GROSS," even though I know that my skin really isn't that bad, just a couple of little things. I always worry about dumb shit like that. *rolls eyes*

Bitching about my Weight.

Well, yesterday was the 4 July, the day on which the entirety of America displays our love for everything loud, big, and shiny. Oh, and food.
I went to the local theme park with the fam, which was okay. The theme park is sort of boring to me now. I mean, honestly, it all gets pretty old after the FOURTY MILLIONTH TIME you go..."Oh look I'm going upside down now..." Sigh. It's all the same fricking thing.
So, I mostly did walking and standing, walking and standing, which burns a lot of calories, fortunately for moi. I had roasted corn (good), a small veggie spring roll (good) and a cheeseburger (bad. Very bad.) I asked for the cheeseburger without the actual burger but...they put it on anyway. #1- My family doesn't know I'm vegetarian, because they would get angry (rolls eyes) and #2- If I had taken it back, they would have just thrown it in the garbage bin without a thought, and that would have been worse than had I just eaten it. So, I ate it. All approximately 350/400 calories of it. Which is okay.Maybe it was a little more than I would have liked, but hey...whatever. I got some fudge, per tradition, but I didn't eat it last night. I was feeling pretty nauseated from the meat I ate, to be quite honest. I ate the fudge this morning...feeling a bit guilty, but it's okay. A few of the calorie calculators I looked at said that there was only 70 calories in it, which I know is total bullshit- so I'm estimating more like 140 calories, minimum. That's probably all I'm going to be eating today. My stomach hasn't been feeling bueno lately.
I've yet to weigh myself this morning, but I'll get around to it eventually, after I, of course, drink this tea and use the restroom. My two BFF's birthday party is a week, followed by a vacation to the coast, and I really would like to be 155 by then. I know that'll probably be impossible, but a girl can dream, right? I'd really be happy just to be 157. I'll probably be able to drop a few pounds on vacation, too. Anyway, I'm sorry this post has been such a bore. Hasta Luego!

New weight! Yay!

Straight up, allow my to say that I am now 159.4 lbs.! Whoooop.

Now, this may not last for long, as last year I hit 159 lbs and of course, gained some weight back, but that was before I was being treated for Hypothyroidism. So hah.

I have my goal weight of 150 lbs by the end of the summer, and I'm sure I'll be able to hit it. I don't think that I will gain it all back, because I am already a healthy eater- I've even had a couple of people accuse me of having an Eating Disorder (of course, they didn't understand the gravity of that term -unlike most "dieters" who go right back to eating whatever they want after they lose all the weight. That's one of the main downfalls of weight loss. One has to learn how to eat healthy and take care of themselves, rather than just "starve starve starve!" to lose the weight quickly, then "eat eat eat!" and gain it all back with in a couple of months. I am, fortunately, well educated in the field of nutrition, although my unpleasantly high weight doesn't reflect it. (Fuck you, HPT.)

Bleh!

Okay-dokay! Allow me to comment on my following of Pro-Ana blogs.
I do not agree with what these girls do, or what the promote. I don't think that they should starve themselves and claim to be 'pro-ana' like it's a good thing. You girls understand what "pro" means, right? It is a prefix which shares a base word with "promote." I know you will argue with me, and I know you say you don't promote anorexia, but quite frankly, that is the idea that many people get. That you are "promoting ana." That you believe that people can choose it, and not only that, but choose it for their benefit.
HOWEVER. I do not hate these girls. I enjoy reading their blogs, I do not think they are retarded, and I figure, it's their choice
I DO NOT HAVE AN ED. I am a 160 lb. girl afflicted with Hypothyroidism, and yes, at times, I do fast. And yes, I do weigh myself often. And yes, I hate myself for being fat. But I want everybody to understand that I do not have an eating disorder.

INNYWHO! (After I finish talking about how I don't have an eating disorder...) I ate about...*thinks* 300 calories today? It's hard to keep track, because my mom made a potato dish for dinner with the family, and of course I had to eat some of it. The vyvanse, though...It absolutely KILLED my appetite. Anyway, there yah go. I'll weigh myself tomorrow morning. DONE BITCHING ABOUT MY WEIGHT!

My friend gets to come with me to the coast next week, for about 1-2 weeks. :D I'm excited! I fucking LOVE this girl with all my heart and soul, but she moved to a town two hours away from me, so I haven't been able to see her in forever. After that, plastic surgery, and hopefully, more weight loss. (150 lbs. before school starts? Please? That's not so terrible, only 10 lbs.) Operation Homefront next week too, which should be fun.
In related news...My sister TOTALLY disagrees with me getting an apartment, the dumb bitch. She thinks I'm an idiot teenager. I wanted to say to her, "Perdón? What the hell were YOU doing when you were my age? Doing crack?" (Seriously. She's jealous that I have my shit together. When she was 17, she'd already had one abortion and started doing crystal.) Whatever. Fuck her. I'll be eighteen soon, anyway, and then I can make my own decision.

I went to a nature park yesterday with my niece- it was a lot of fun. :) In unrelated news, I'm going to the Operation Homefront Headquarters on the seventh. I'm crossing my fingers!
This is going to be short, but I'm fasting today. I haven't really been eating much lately, due to my Vyvanse, but I figured I may as well go all out and fast. Well. I'm done.