Siggggh well, I'm okay. My weight a few days ago was 154 lbs...:( God dammit. I'm so bothered by that. But, the other day, I was sick- which is awful, but I lost 3 lbs in a day! 151 lbs. That's alright...I'm going to have to keep fighting, though, to get under 150. I won't give up. I will keep trying. It's not fair that I can't lose weight as easily as other people but...oh well. I'll just keep trying. I can do it!

Well, yesterday went really great...Until I went out to dinner for my sisters birthday. I ate two salads, coffee, 1/2 a fried banana, 1/3 a slice of chocolate cake, and 3 bites of crem brûlée. That's okay, certainly much better than I could have done, but it still brought my calorie total to about 1300/1500 calories. :( oh well.

- Posted from the outside world.

Well, after about a week of "normal" eating last week, I over-ate a bit on thursday, friday, and saturday....I was hanging out with my friends, and we all know what a downfall friends can be. I'm certain that I gained a few lbs., but I refuse to weigh myself...not yet! Yesterday, I ate about 900/1000 calories, and I'm hoping for about 600 calories today. I want to make up for the mistakes I've made in the last few days, and I want to get past 150 lbs. It's been a real struggle for me. For some reason, my body just doesn't want to get below 150...either it just holds onto the weight like a bitch, or my appetite spikes. Ech! I hate it! Anyway, hopefully I can get below 150 lbs soon, if I stick to things. Wish me luck~

Ugh. Finished the day at 2,200 calories, exercised for an hour and 45 minutes on the stationary bike...that's alright...not unhealthy, I guess. Blegh. Doing a very low-cal day tomorrow though.


- Posted from the outside world.

Bleh

Well! Hello everybody!
Ech. 151 lbs. That's alright, but...It's the same exact weight I've been for awhile now. I can't seem to break through 151. Of course, it hasn't exactly helped that I didn't fast AT ALL this week! I just didn't feel much like it, so I've been eating 1200-1800 calories this week, plus 1 hour exercise...well, that certainly isn't unhealthy. But I do wish that I could have fasted for even one day. I'm sure I could've lost some weight. Anyway...I guess, I'll be fasting tomorrow then. :| My plan is 2,000 calories today, +1 hour of exercise on the crosstrainer, and +1 hour of exercise on the bike. That'll be more than a thousand calories burned...and tomorrow, a 0 calorie day consisting of coffee, water, and perhaps some diet soda if I need it. Wish me luck.

Well. I haven't been fasting very well recently. My last "fast" was 1200 calories, which is alright...but not a fast! I'm aiming for 500 calories today, but of course I'll probably end up at 800. :D It's hard for me to fast, of course, I'm human. I just have to keep going and hoping that I will break through 150 lbs....I can't wait for the day I'm 149 lbs.

Well, things sort of suck. For some reason, on friday, I got really depressed; and I binged. I don't know exactly how many calories I ate, but I estimated it at about 3000 calories. Three thousand calories! That's TWO days worth of food. Wow. That's sort of fucked up. The next day, I meant to fast down to 500 calories; but I felt still felt depressed... I ate three poptarts for breakfast and a banana. Ugh! I didn't eat for the rest of the day, so that was 800 calories.
Good news, however, is that my weight hasn't changed that much. I was 150.4 Friday morning, binged, was 151.4 yesterday morning, and was 150.4 this morning again. Whew. I'm starting my week off at 150 lbs, just as planned. So hopefully I can lose two pounds this week and be 148 next week! Keep your fingers crossed, ladies!

Hello everybody! My weight as of this morning? 150.4 lbs! That wasn't a typo! 150.4. Isn't that fantastic? Also, everybody else seems to think that I've lost even more weight because I look more "toned." Which is awesome because that means that I'm gaining muscle- which I assumed anyway. I'm glad that I've broken through my mini-plateau. That's 2 lbs lost this week, 2 lbs lost last week, probably just of water weight. But that's so real to me, because when I lose the water weight, it shows what my weight actually is, you know? Anyway, my plan for today is this- 400 calories for breakfast, (done) 100 calories for a snack, 500 calories for lunch and 500 calories for dinner. 1 Hour of exercise. I think I may go hiking, because I haven't been in so long...but idk, maybe.

- Posted from the outside world.

Well! Here is my new blog- http://kamikazephantom1310.xanga.com/
It's about body acceptance, but I will also be talking about my desires to lose weight on this blog, too. I can't exactly talk about my weight loss on a blog about self-acceptance, can I?
151.8 lbs. I was so happy! I mean, obviously that's not awesome, since I've been lower before, but considering that yesterday I was 154 lbs, 151.8 is pretty damn good. I'm fasting today (Well, at least partially- I ate a banana and two salads) and took my vyvanse to help me with that. I've set my "fasting" days to twice a week- thursdays and tuesdays, or Mondays and Wednesdays if I have Thursdays and Tuesdays lunch, with a 2,000 calorie day separating them. I've been exercising for an hour nearly every day for the last couple of weeks, as well, sometimes for 30 minutes on fasting days. Damn weight loss is so difficult. I can't weight until I get below 150 again. Anyway, my weigh-in tomorrow will hopefully show a weight drop- maybe I'll be 150! Wish me luck, ladies.


I've also had a lot of luck with my self-image issues, as well. I am turning my thoughts around. I don't mean to offend anybody, but now, when I hear somebody talk about how they want their BMI to be 17 or something, instead of saying "Me too, that would be great," I think "Wow, I wish they could see that they are worth something even if they don't weigh 90 lbs."
I'm still a little obsessed with my weight, yeah. But I'm getting better. I love all of you girls, even if you don't know me, and I hope that you can find a little bit of self-esteem today. You are ALL gorgeous, beautiful, perfect, and awesome JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.

P.S. Galen is pretty much the best fucking thing ever.
But now, I have a peruvian exchange student who is in love with me, as well. He's not exactly in love with me but...I made the mistake of going to lunch with him a few days ago, and he likes me...a lot. I feel bad. I told Galen about him, and then had to explain to Galen that I didn't want anybody else but him. It was a long debacle...I feel bad for the Peruvian, because he really is an nice person, and I would like to have him as a friend, but I know that he would just hurt so badly being around me but not being able to have me.
Anyway...it's a long story. But at least now I have established that Galen and I only have eyes for each other.

The Perfect Size

I'm fasting today to cleanse my system from the binge yesterday. :D
My blog has been slowly evolving into more of a body-acceptance blog, I've noticed, and I changed the name. I'm also going to start posting daily affirmations that will hopefully make you guys feel a little bit better about your bodies, if even for just a minute.

You are the perfect size, whatever size you are. You're perfect already.

I've been binging all day. I don't feel awesome, but whatever...who gives a fucking fuck. Fuck it. I'm just going to enjoy the fucking binge day and make up for it tomorrow and the week following. Today is a new day.

I've been binging all day. I don't feel awesome, but whatever...who gives a fucking fuck. Fuck it. I'm just going to enjoy the fucking binge day and make up for it tomorrow and the week following. Today is a new day.

Intuition.

Sigh. Ended the day at 1,600 calories yesterday. Did 1 hour on the machine, so that was -400 calories. Meh. That's mediocre. Not as good as I would like but...I'm not going to bitch. I guess I'm sort of still eating a lot healthier now, because I really don't want to go back to feeling bad if I don't fast...throw all the old rules and diets and whatever out. I'm starting new. I'm using my intuition from here on out.
My intuition (hehee) is telling me to "fast" twice weekly, and eat normally other days. That sounds like something I could follow...wish me luck!
BTW, didn't weigh myself this morning, I felt like crap. Another btw, I'm taking my SAT today! wooten! Okay, I'm going now. Sorry this update was so boring.

This morning, I was 151.6 lbs. Awesome, even though yesterday I ate too much yesterday. Today, I've sort of fallen off the wagon. It was supposed to be a low-day, but I ate a biscuit and some frito chips in second period. :( I was hungry! Then I went to lunch with my friend and had an awesome avocado chipotle sandwich and a salad. Well, it was all healthy (except for the Fritos!) but my total is 1,000 calories. I'm thinking that I'm going to have a grilled "chicken" salad for dinner tonight (about 200 calories) to bring my total up to 1200 calories, and then going to the gym for an hour or so...let's see what my weight is tomorrow, ladies!
Even though I've eaten a bit more than I would have liked today, I'm still really proud of myself- My heart rate hardly spiked above 180 yesterday, meaning that I am in better shape, and I've also noticed that I didn't really run out of breath at all. I also lost 2 lbs. this week, which is awesome! And, today, I hardly thought that I was fat, except for my arms...I kept checking my arms...which is retarded.

Hello Kitty Is My Thinspo

I've gotten so caught up in my weight loss, I've forgotten what I'm trying to convey in this blog. To make up for it, I'll share this quote with you-

"Does being thin resolve anything? No. The irony is that when I abandoned that desire to dominate my body, it actually became the body that I’d always wanted. But it only happened when I stopped trying to control it. At the end of the day, this kind of obsession is pointless and meaningless."

Be the weight that's healthy for you. I have a few more lbs. to lose, yeah...but am I aiming for 115 lbs? No. I'm aiming for 145 lbs. That's what I want. Some people think that's fat, but that's just the size that I want to be.

I don't believe in being happy with being over weight. Being 15 or 20 lbs. over weight is NOT healthy, just as being 15 lbs. underweight is not. Eat healthy and exercise...but if you do those things and you're still not skinny, it's not the end of the world. That's just what I think. Maybe a little hypocritical, but you know what...whatever. I'm a hypocrite. Deal with it.
www.hellokittyismythinspo.com
(great site!)

So, following this same thread, I have decided to make some resolutions.
1) I will not indulge in "thinspo." It's just crushing myself esteem, and it directly breaks rule #2...
2) I will stop comparing myself to others. Everybody is different.
3) I will lose however much or little weight as I desire. 150, 145, 140. Whatever.
4) I will not "binge" and "purge." I will not overeat and then compensate by fasting.

I will, however, continue on my intermittent fasting plan. I DO still want to lose 5 or so lbs. So, still wish me luck!

152 lbs.!

Weight this morning? 152 lbs! Yay! I'm so proud of myself. Yesterday, I had about 25 crackers for dinner...haha, I was hungry! I was planning on eating a popsicle after the gym, but I decided against it, knowing that today I would be eating. Hopefully, I won't binge today. Thus far I've had 3/4 cup coco pebbles (115 calories) 1/2 cup soy milk (30) 1 Acai berry toaster pastry (210 calories) and coffee. That's about 400 calories, and I'm planning on eating 1,500 calories today. Tomorrow I have lunch with my friend, so my plan is to eat 1 meal tomorrow. My week so far looks like this-
Sunday: 1,700 calories
Monday: 500 calories
Tuesday: 2,200 calories
Wednesday: 450 calories.
Thursday: 1,500 calories (Hopefully!)
Friday: (500 calories) (Hopefully...)
My weight at the start of this week was 154...and it's gone down to 152, so I've lost 2 lbs. of water weight this week. Hopefully next week I can lose the last 2 lbs of water weight and start the real weight loss.

Today went well...I ate the last slice of coffee cake at 3:00 am though... (190 calories.) But...
Yesterday, was a failure. 1,000 calories before lunch time, and then got home, ate a ton of almonds, a piece of laughing cow cheese, and then went to my mothers dinner, where I ate about 10 pieces of these crispy texas toast chip thingies, artichoke dip, potato chips, soup, some pasta and to finish it all off...peach cobbler with a scoop of ice cream. Sigh. Total, about, is 2,200 calories for the day...and my weight as of this morning? 155 lbs. God.
Good news, though, I started my period this morning. Hopefully...this 5 lbs. are just water weight. I hope.
Today, I had a cup of coffee for breakfast, a cup of coffee and five saltine crackers for lunch, and I'm not sure what I'm having for dinner...more crackers and tea, I'm hoping, because if I eat anything else I'll probably lose control. Can I do this tomorrow too...? I'm going to try. I need to lose this water weight!
It's easier for me to control myself when I just don't eat, rather than if I eat a small breakfast, and try not to eat lunch until dinner.

Okay. Sigh. My morning went alright, until I saw the coffee cake in the back of my fridge. 200 calories, I thought- 300 cals for lunch. So I ate the coffee cake, and I was REALLY tempted to grab another slice. But I didn't. I made a sandwich for my lunch (170 calories) and a granola bar (130 calories)...so that was okay. I devoured the sandwich and granola bar in the car, though! What the hell is wrong with me?! Breakfast and lunch gone, before 10:00 am. Sigh. Well, naturally I freaked out a little bit, but I just had to breath and say "It's okay. So, you ate your lunch really early. That's okay. You had lunch detention today, anyway. Just don't eat for the rest of the day until dinner, and your calorie total will be 1500 calorie like planned." so now I'm drinking a large coffee to clear my head. I don't have any cash, so I can't buy any more food- I won't have time to go off campus before detention, and the school only accepts cash. So, everything is okay guys. I just got a little scared for a minute there.

- Posted from the outside world.

Update and recipe.

Ariana- Yes, house is the BEST SHOW IN THE WORLd. I am completely and uncontrollably in love with Mr. Laurie. And the courdonbleu (I'm still not spelling it right) is awesome. I homemade it, though, with soy cheese, fake chicken, and crushed croutons. I'll have to share the recipe it was better than expected.

But I digress! I have good news! I'm losing the 4 lbs. of nasty water weight I've been carrying around. Yay! I just want to lose the waste and water weight first, because my real weight is underneath that 4 lbs. Anyway...today is my mothers birthday, so I have to go to dinner with her and a big group of people. I remember last year on her birthday, I ate a chicken salad...and she was freaking out and saying "OMG EATTT IT'S MY BIRTHDAY LOL HAHAHA." She was totally drunk of course...anyway...today is my "up" day, so I'm eating around 1500 calories. So far today I have had 1 slice of toast, 1 egg, 1 packet of oatmeal, 1 tblspn of soy cheese, 1/2 cup Fruit Salad, and coffee. Let's see how the rest of my day goes.

Faux Courdonbleu Recipe-
1 Quorn Meatless and Soy Free Naked Chicken Cutlets (80 calories.)
1 Veggie Slices Mozarella Soy Cheese (40 calories)
1 clove of garlic (10)
Garlic Salt
6 Fresh Gourmet Cheese and Garlic Croutons (30 calories)
1/4 Cup of Tomato Sauce (Any Brand, I don't care.) (about 30 calories.)

Steps-
1- Place the croutons and garlic cloves in a sandwich bag and crush the croutons into a coarse powder.
2-Prepare the chicken cutlet by either cooking it in the microwave with a small amount of water for 2 minutes or on a non-stick skillet, flipping every few minutes on medium heat, for 10 or so minutes. Do not cook completely through- leave it a tiny bit undone.
3-Tear the Veggie Slices into thirds and place over the top of the cutlet, making sure to cover the top of the cutlet. Heat in microwave for 20-30 seconds until cheese is slightly melted.
4- Sprinkle the crushed croutons and garlic over the top, evenly covering the melted cheese. Put the Tomato sauce on top of this, being careful not to disrupt the melted cheese or crushed croutons. Heat the chicken, cheese, croutons, and sauce in the microwave again for 30-60 seconds, until the sauce is warm.
5- Sprinkle garlic salt to taste. Enjoy!

I put this over broccoli, which is really easy to make- simply place a cup of broccoli in a shallow bowl with some water and garlic salt, cover, and microwave for 2:00 minutes. Stir and check the tenderness of the broccoli, and microwave for another 2:00 minutes...or, if you don't want to microwave, put the broccoli water and garlic salt in a sauce pan, cover, and cook for awhile until it's done. I'm not sure on the time for that...anyway, I made this recipe last night and it turned out really delicious. I was surprised because I just made it up as I went along. The whole thing was about 220 calories, which was amazing.

Dia buena...

Helllooooo everybody! I'm feeling pretty alright...everything went according to plan, buttttt I did eat about 100 calories in the middle there. Those calories really count up- 30 calories for my lunch time coffee, 30 calories worth of raisins, and 30 calories of croutons! Yeah! Croutons! They're delicious little bastards. Anyway, so, rather than a 500 cal. dinner, I'm only getting a 400 cal dinner...boo. But, c'est la vie. I didn't binge, at least. I'm weighing in tomorrow, wish me luck...hmm...what else...Oh, I went to the gym, did 30 minutes on the stair stepper like I planned. 30 minutes isn't a ton, but the stair stepper really kicks my ass. Is it too much to hope that tomorrow, my weight will be down? I don't think so. But we shall see...won't we?

Later- I just ate dinner. Here's my food intake total for the day-
Breakfast- Egg and Salsa Wrap (205)
Lunch- Coffee, Croutons, Raisins (90 calories.)
Dinner- Faux Chicken w/ Broccoli Cordonbleu (sp?!) (220 calories), Skinny Cow Ice Cream Cone (200)

The Skinny Cow ice cream cone was a little bit of an indulgence, I will admit. I'm over about 27 calories (round up to 50 just in case) but that still makes it a pretty successful day. I did my exercise, I'll do my weights later, and everything I ate was really healthy. So, yay! Let's just hope that I finish out the day well, and I don't eat anything else!
I'm going to go watch House now...SEE YOU LATER!!!

New Day

It's a new day, and I'm still excited! I didn't do my math homework- :D- but I'll get it done in English I guess.I'm actually excited for my lunch detention today, as that gives me a reason for not eating lunch... Anyway, so, this morning I ate a scrambled egg and salsa wrap...but never fear! It wasn't high in calories. The total was approximately 175. If any of you want to copy this recipe, be my guest, because it's very yummy and very healthy. It's just 1 Flatout Light Tortilla Flatbread (90 calories) 1/3 cup egg whites (40 calories) a few soy cheese shreds (10 caloriesish) and 1 tblspn of salsa (4 or 10 calories depending on what brand.) Simply make the eggs, throw it on the tortilla with cheese, nuke it for a few seconds, and then top with salsa- it's awesome and low calorie!
With my coffee my breakfast is equal to approximately 205 calories. Buenoooo...now let's hope that the rest of the day goes according to plan. Good luck in whatever it is you want to do today, ladies!

(BTW- I have formulated a week plan that will hopefully last all week.
Monday- 700 calories, 200-0-500, 30 minutes of exercise directly after school.
Tuesday- 1000 calories, 100-400-500, 60 minutes of exercise directly after school.
Wednesday-1200 calories, 200-500-500, 120 minutes of hiking.
Thursday- 600 calories, (200)-200-200, 30 minutes of exercise directly after school.
Friday- 1000 calories, 0-500-500, Pilates.
Saturday- 1200 calories, 200-400-(100)-500, 3 hours hiking.
Sunday- 1500 calories, 500-500-500, 60 minutes of exercise.

Those numbers are my meal ratio- like, 200 for breakfast, 0 for lunch, 500 for dinner. Anything that's in parenthesis is an optional number. I will have to refer back to this to remind myself of my goals...
I've never really had a weekly plan, so hopefully this will help to keep me on track. I know now what i have to do to maintain my weight- so, look on the bright side, at least I have that out of the way- but I don't want to maintain, I want to LOSEEEE. This plan should help me do just that!
I'm going to put my exercise clothes in my car so I can go right after school, too.
Wish me luck, ladies.

(BTWW- I'm still waiting on Mrs. Uterus. Heh...dumb fucking thing can't even decide when my period comes. Blegh.)

I'm SOOO EXCITED!

Heeeeyyyy three posts in one day! It must be a record...annyyywayyy
I'm ending the day at 1512 calories, which is BUENO since a for the last few days I've been eating almost 2,000 calories. I did 30 minutes on the elliptical and an hour on the treadmill, so that burned about 500 calories...Well, today was a bueno day, all in all! Tomorrow I am starting my "staggering" diet, so 200 calories for breakfast, nothing for lunch, and 500 calories for dinner...
I'm going to hit the gym after school, but I will only work out for 30 minutes on the stair stepper since I won't be eating much that day.
I can't wait to see the pounds come off...I've lost weight this way before, and I'll do it again! It's going to be absolutely fucking BRILLIANT!!! I'm so fucking thrilled.

My mom wants to put me on birth control. :( I keep telling her that I WILL NOT TAKE BIRTH CONTROL. It will make me gain 10 fucking lbs.! I am NOT going back to 160 lbs.! SHE HAS NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT THAT WOULD DO TO ME. I think that bitch just wants to make me fat. God. Has she fucking seen how hard I've been struggling for YEARS to lose weight? Did she see how miserable I was at 160 lbs? Apparently not, because she wants me to gain it back. The fat bitch. I'd rather have irregular periods than be 160 lbs again.
I'm eating a normal amount today, btw, going to the gym tonight so ja...just had to put that out there.

Rant

This. Is. Fucking. Bullshit.
154 lbs! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCKER FUCK. I've been fucking 154 lbs. for almost a week. I feel like a moo. At first I thought, whatever, it's probably just bloat, but now I'm seriously doubting it. My period hasn't come, and I'm still breaking out, feel like shit, ravenous and 154 lbs. I am cranky and bitchy and depressed and my head is killing me. Fuck you, Eve, for being such a dumb bitch. I hate being a girl. I hate it. I just want to lose weight.
Oh, and this is brilliant. I just read an article about how intermittent fasting is actually good for you and good for weight loss, based on the fact that it mirrors the way our ancestors ate. Our bodies were BUILT for it. Ugh! That's exactly what I fucking thought, but no, I kept reading those damn nutrition sites that said with utmost authority, "Skipping meals is bad, it'll slow down your metabolism, you should eat 2,000 calories a day," blah blah blah blah blah. No. That's fucking shit. Maybe I should do that if I want to maintain my weight (which is what has been happening.) but that is not what I should be doing if I want to lose weight.
Sorry I can't find that article right now, but I'll search for it and put it up as soon as I find it.
Anyway, so I'm going back- sort of. I'm going to stagger my calorie intake, like I was doing, and hopefully the 10 lbs comes off. I'm not starving myself, I'm not fasting, whatever, I'm just doing the "Stair-Step" approach to dieting. Ugh. These lbs. should come off. That's how I lost the first 10 lbs....lawd baby sweet jesus, please make me 140 lbs.
Tomorrow, I'm restarting this thing. I'm going to eat a 200 calorie breakfast, no lunch (I have lunch detention! Booooo!) and then I'm going to eat a 400 calorie dinner. The day after that, I'm eating 1200 calories, and then the day after that...well, I'll decide from there. Wish me luck, guys.

I won't give up. I won't give in. I will lose 10 lbs. I don't care what it takes. I will. I will I will. I will. I refuse to be another number in the "overweight" statistic. I WILL LOSE THIS WEIGHT.