I can't be put off. I have to be stubborn. Even if I experience set backs. Even if I gain weight. Even if I have to exercise three hours a day. No matter what, I have to keep going. I have to stay strong. I have to keep fighting. I will lose this weight. I will. It's not a question.


- Posted from the outside world.

Ugh

Finally got my period...sorry for the TMI.
I didn't weigh myself this morning, simply because I was so tired, I just wanted to get my coffee and eat some breakfast.
In other news, guess who's spending the New Years alone? ME. Fuck everything. My friends mother is making her spend it with her dad, one of my close friends is spending it with my other close friend- yeah they're great friends. They even fucking told me about their plans, too. And my other "best friend" is spending it with her boyfriend. I've been that girls friend for five years. I've been her ONLY FRIEND for most of that time. And she's spending it with the boyfriend that she's had for a few months? Fuck that.
So I'm just spending it with my mom. FUCKING FANTASTIC. All my friends are dumb shits.

Food Journal
Food Intake
Breakfast-
1 Orowheat Sandwich Bread- 100
1 Fried Egg- 70
1 slice American Cheese- 60
Ketchup- 7
1 Fiber One Pop Tart- 180
1 tblspn Coffee Creamer- 30
447

I weighed myself this morning. 154.6.
Not great, but better than I thought. And it shows that I'm losing some weight, at least, sooo...
I've been thinking. Since I have such an appetite, rather than try to restrict and binge and make myself miserable, maybe I should just exercise a lot? That's what I've been doing for the last few days, and I realized how much I love exercise. I remember I used to walk all the time, but now I like a bit more strenuous aerobic exercise. I've been thinking that I could eat, and just exercise off 500 or so calories. We'll see how it works.
Today is a 1500 calorie day.
I'm really proud of myself because I ate 600 calories yesterday. Actually, 570. EXCLUDING the ice cream that I was counting towards it. I wanted to eat more, but I didn't. I knew that today I would get to eat plenty. Speaking of!

Food Journal
Intake
Breakfast-
1 piece of Bread- 90
1 tblspn Prailinutta- 90
1/2 tblspn Honey- 30
1 tblspn coffee creamer-30
1/3 cup Egg Whites- 40
1/4 cup Soy cheese Shreds- 52
1/8 cup Sliced Mushrooms- 10
342 Calories

Snack-
1 slice of Raspberry Pie- 125
1/2 bowl of Cereal- 80
205

Lunch-
1 bowl Cream of Mushroom-Carrot and Tortillini Soup- 300
1 slice of Toast- 90
Smart Balance- 40
1 salad- 20
1 Skinny Cow Fudge Pop- 100
550

Snack-
2 Hard Candies- 15

Dinner-
1 Veggie Burger- 235
1 Baked Potato- 110
1 Tblspn Ketchup- 15
1 slice of Pie- 250 (I just can't seem to get away from that pie.)

Total- 1710 (sigh)

Expenditure
3 hours wii fit- 500 calories
11 miles biking- 300 calories 


Total- -800

Net Calories- 910 

OH MY GOD

Jesus. I must be retaining water or something, because guess what I fucking saw on the fucking scale? ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY SEVEN LBS. THAT'S RIGHT. 157! God that is so awful! Now, now, I have to relax because just a couple of days ago I was 154 and I know that I didn't eat enough to gain 3 lbs. There's no way. I just have to relax. I don't really weigh that much. Yes, I gained three or four lbs since halloween, and yes I need to lose it, but I most definitely didn't gain seven lbs. So I need to calm down and breathe. I'm PMSing, I'm retaining water, and my weight will go back down after my period. *breathes*
So, okay, yesterday, my friend decides that it'd be a fucking fantastic idea to show up at my house with ice cream, because she knew I was PMSing and she wanted to make me feel better. I wish she hadn't. I ate 360 calories of that shit.
I was doing SO FUCKING WELL. God dammit! Ugh! And I would have done GREAT if it wasn't for HER!
But. I have my plan. I'm going to 600-800 calories today, AND I'm going to exercise and burn of the 360 calories extra that I ate yesterday so I can pretend that it never happened. So, pretending that the 360 calories never happened, everything will be back to normal. *breathes*

Later...
After exercising off the 360 calories (Yes, I already did it.) My conscious can rest peacefully, knowing that I can reasonably pretend that the ice cream never happened. :3 I lost 2 lbs of water weight already, from all the ssweating I did, and the diuretic. It still sucks because my weight is still much higher than I want it to be, but at least I know that I'm not really 157 lbs. I'm still waiting for my period to come.

Food Journal 
Breakfast
Ice Cream- 360
Light Pumpkin muffin- 125
485

Lunch
3/4 Spring Roll- 75
2 Avocado Rolls- 40
Peppermint Stick- 45
160

Dinner
I don't know yet
200 


1 hour Wii Fit- -240
5 miles Cycling- 120

Calories Consumed- 845
Calories Burned- 360

Focus

I think that if I really focus, I can lose the weight....
And by focus, I don't mean, diet a bit for a couple of days and lose focus and overeat. Because obviously, that doesn't work. Overeating cancels out any good thing that I do. So, I'm starting with my diet logging again.

Net Calories For Today
Intake
Breakfast-
Scrambled Egg Whites- 30
Toast- 90
Fiber One Pop Tart- 180
Creamer- 30
330

Lunch-
1/2 Soy Chicken/Cheese Breast- 130
3/4 cup Broccoli and Cheese Cous Cous- 200
1 cup Broccoli- 20
1 slice of Pie (naughty!)- 250 calories
Peppermint Stick- 45
645

Snack- 1 Carrot Cake Cupcake (naughty.)- 135 calories


Planned Dinner-
4 Cucumber Rolls- 120
4 Spicy Crunch Rolls- 240
1 Chocolate Mousse- 60 
420 

Total consumed- 1,530

Expendature
1 Hour of Wii Fit (I got one for x-mas and was absolutely ecstatic!)- 200 calories
11 miles Cycling- 330 Calories

Total Burned- 530 calories.

BTW- Calories consumed yesterday=860 calories.
Tomorrow hopefully I'll eat 600 calories. I've been taking diuretics to help with my water weight, too.

All right. I DEFINITELY am about to start my period, because I have gained at least 4 lbs of water weight. Today is a restriction day and I took a diuretic to help my weight. Wish me luck.


- Posted from the outside world.

This Post Is Boring and Some What Obligatory

Merry Christmas, everybody! I'm sure we all had a lot of fun with the Christmas food...heh. I'm sorry if your Christmas sucked because of the food, because I know you all deserve to indulge a bit, but hey. Unfortunately, I ate a bit too much myself...but thankfully, I exercised for an hour in the morning, and my overeating was stopped after 1 plate of food. The people in my family put away an average of 2 full plates of food, but I don't have a gallbladder- I can't digest fat very well, and my mom made a cheesy dish of potatoes...delicious, but sent me into agonizing stomach cramps after a serving...
And then, of course, 1/2 a slice of pie, 2 croissants (They're delicious.) and some zucchini. That was about it for my christmas eve dinner, but of course I had eaten about 700 calories prior. But, still, not too bad...
(That was boring, albeit obligatory details.)

My plan-
1- Continue to do the Alt-Day Diet, using Vyvanse to help. (1500 calories-500 calories.) I'm sort of loose with it, some times I go 2 days on 700 calories, sometimes I eat 2000 calories...but w/e.)
2- Drink more fluids. (4-8 glasses a day, preferably. I want my pee to be clear...XD)
3- Exercise 3-6 times a week.
4- Weigh myself every morning...

I sort of just reiterated what I said before...but I want to make sure I got it.

Also, I think my guy friend Wes sort of likes me... a lot. I was talking to him today and we started talking about my new years resolutions, and he said "You're Adele, whether you gain weight or not. You're Adele now and you're Adele after you gain weight." Of course I thought he was being funny, so I said, "I'll be FAT Adele." He went and said "Eh, Fat Adele or thin Adele, I love Adele!" Eh? While that's very nice and flattering and stuff, I don't know how happy I am about him saying that. I mean, he's nice and everything but he's not Galen. I don't know if he understood the gravity of that word.
Well, anyway, it was very nice, so I should just take it as that, right?

153.8. Sigh. The exact same low weight as before. Sigh. At least I haven't gained.

Resolutions

Well, yesterday and the day before, I ate 1500 calories. I exercised for an hour on monday, but didn't exercise yesterday. So...mediocre. But my weight this morning, which I'm assuming is caused by my binge on friday, was 155 lbs. Ugh. :( Well, as much as I absolutely hate that, I have to say that that's no reason to be totally upset. Yes, it's a gain, but every normal person gains weight during the holidays. I've been this weight since Halloween, so I guess my indulgences are overcoming any other good thing I do. But I've been maintaining this weight for awhile, so I guess it could be worse- I could be gaining 10, 15 lbs like a lot of women do. So...I guess, it doesn't suck THAT BAD.
 I need MORE focus. Over-eating is no good, whether it's once a week or everyday, so I need to STOP IT! If I want to get back down to 150 and then eventually 140, I need focus. So, resolutions time!

Past resolutions-
1) "I will not indulge in "thinspo." It's just crushing myself esteem, and it directly breaks rule #2..."
      I've gotten a lot better at this. I don't purposefully go out and seek thinspo, which is good. However, I may start looking at "healthspo" more often just so I will have a little bit more inspiration to be healthy and stuff.
2) I will stop comparing myself to others. Everybody is different.
    Oh, man. I have not been keeping this resolution. I was doing well for awhile, but I still sort of look at other people and compare myself to them. Even my vagina. Yes, my vagina! I look at other peoples privates- and when I say other peoples, I mean pornstars- and I compare mine to theirs. Which is ridiculous, since porn stars vaginas are, of course, totally perfect. That's why they're porn stars. 3) I will lose however much or little weight as I desire. 150, 145, 140. Whatever. 
   Was this really a resolution? I think what I meant to say was that I wouldn't become the super thin "ideal." I would lose however much I felt I needed. Which, you know, I still want to do. 4) I will not "binge" and "purge." I will not overeat and then compensate by fasting. 

    Well, I haven't necessarily been doing this, but I have been over-eating and justifying it by knowing that I would just restrict the next day. The restricting isn't due to the overeating, but the overeating is due- in part- to the restricting.


New Resolutions to Add-
1) I will regain focus and get down to 145 lbs. 
2) I will start exercising three times a week. 
3) I will drink more water.
4



Of course, I'm starting these resolutions early- and I know that I can do it, because I've done it before. Maybe not in awhile, but I have done it! I have to start taking my Vyvanse more often (although I DO NOT want to rely on my vyvanse to help me eat 800 calories a day, because I know I can without vyvanse.) and I have to start really focusing on this. Eyes on the prize.
What I've been doing- which hasn't been working- is that I haven't been restricting every other day. I've been restricting two, three days in a row (with the help of vyvanse) which not only totally screws my metabolism, but also makes my appetite ridiculous when I go a day without taking Vyvanse. So, I'm thinking that what I will do is 500-800 calories one day (with vyvanse), 1500 calories the next day (without vyvanse), and so on. NO binging. No saying "It's okay, I'll fast tomorrow." because that will not help with weight loss, and no saying "It's okay, I'll exercise for an hour." Whenever I overeat and justify it by saying I'll exercise, I always feel so awful anyway that I don't excercise- so that doesn't work at all. Also, I'm going to start exercising at least 3 times a week again. No matter what, I have to get physical activity in. I know it sounds hard, but like I said, I know that it'll be easy because I've done it before. So I'm ready for this. I'm ready to reinstate the healthy behavior I used to engage in, and I'm ready to lose these damn 5 lbs.
Another one of my new years resolutions is to work on my self esteem more. I want to continue recovering from BDD, and I want to be confident in my own skin. Exercising and losing weight will help me with that.
Sorry about the long post. :D Good luck ladies, and I love yah!

(PS- I read an article that stated that the "holiday season" was a 1-2 week period. Where the hell are they getting that from? No no no, the holiday season is 2-3 MONTHS. I WISH it was 1-2 weeks.)

I'm Tired

I'm so tired of this. I'm so tired of being obsessed with my weight and height and my calories consumed. This sort of behavior kills people, ruins their lives. I wish I could just stop it. But I can't. It doesn't really matter, does it, because I'm still "normal" weight. In fact, I'm verging on overweight still, whether I am 5'5" or 5'4". So It doesn't matter what I eat- or don't eat, for that matter. None of it matters. I could starve myself and constantly check my reflection and think of my calories all the time and it wouldn't matter because I'm "normal" and "healthy" weight. Boo.

I grew an inch...weird, eh?
I guess that's good because then, at my "general" weight (The weight that I can get to very easily but then struggle to get past, which is 150 lbs.) I'm no longer overweight. Which is awesome!

-2 lbs.

Well! I am proud to say that I have already lost 2 lbs. Went from 155 to 153 in one day. (Like I said before, I know that that's water weight, but it still makes me feel really good about myself that I am CAPABLE of weighing 153 lbs. You can't weigh less than what you really are.)
Wednesday, I ate 850 calories, yesterday I ate 650. Today, who knows? But less than 1000 for sure.
I have a party tonight to attend, but I'm taking my vyvanse this morning, so the party food should be no problem. (Vyvanse really is quite a life saver. I naturally have such a huge appetite, and I don't think I would be able to restrict so much without it.)
I'm excited to see what the scale says tomorrow!

Later...
Meeeh okay...Well I ate a little bit too much for lunch. I ate half a spinach pocket, a half a sandwich, a popsicle, a granola bar, popcorn and hot cocoa...bleh! So I've eaten 850 calories today. That's okay. I don't suck...I didn't binge. What I really want to do is not eat for the rest of the day, but I know that's sort of unreasonable, since i have a party to attend later on tonight. But if I could end the day at less than 1000 calories, that'd be great.

An Arduous Process

Sigh. I have been overeating too much, and I haven't been weighing myself everyday.  I really think that I need to weigh myself every day, because if I don't, weight is pushed to the back of my mind and I eat a bit too much. So! I need to start weighing myself every day. I did all right since my last post, but I ate a lot on Tuesday. :( I'm still 155 lbs. Ugh. I need to keep trying! I'll update you when I weigh myself tomorrow.
I'm going back and re-reading articles about intermittent fasting, and I read a few first hand accounts from people who are doing a bit of what I'm doing. It's making sense again. Health, of course, makes the most sense, but I know that I can't lose weight without intermittent fasting. I don't have an eating disorder and I'm not being unhealthy. These things are making sense again. ^_^

Also, I went to Denny's today with a friend of mine...and we had a very long conversation over coffee. He said to me, totally randomly, (don't roll your eyes!) that his main number one turn off is lack of self- confidence. Which turned into a two hour long conversation about who we like, what we like, who has self-confidence, blah blah blah...I learned a lot of lessons from that and I want to write them down before I forget. Everybody needs self-confidence. Every body should be confident...not when you're 10 pounds lighter, or when you change your hair color, or three sizes smaller. If you don't have self-confidence now, you won't have self-confidence then.
Believe me, self confidence is attractive, and that's coming from somebody who needs some of herself. I find self-confidence in girls to be very attractive, and girls who act like they don't want to be touched just. turn. me. off. So, I need to learn that, and remember it...
Recovery from Body Dysmorphic Disorder is such an arduous process. Some days are worse than others. But I need to keep fighting.

Feel like a pig. God. Saturday I ate a bit over 2000 calories, felt like a cow...next day, sunday, I ate maybe 1300 calories. So far today I've eaten 500 calories and I want to end the day at 800 calories, but who the hell knows?

I ate more than 2,000 yesterday, I'm sure. I went out to eat with my niece and my sister-in-law, and we ordered a dessert...and that dessert was high in cals. I also ate 2 bread sticks and some pasta, plus everything else i had eaten that day. Today, ate 500 calories. Tomorrow...idk. I'll try to aim for 1200.

found this beautiful bike at Wal-Mart- yeah, Wal-Mart. So classy. 90 dollars.
I made a deal with myself. If I lose five lbs. I'll buy the bike for myself. I don't care how I lose it, just as long as I lose it.

I didn't do well today. Ended at about 1400 calories, no exercise. I'm fucking exhausted. I'm going to do some leg lifts and sit ups before bed, but will that really help? I don't know...
I know I've lost weight before. I've done it before and I can do it again. I just want to get back down to 150 lbs. at least...
I think I'm going to start keeping a pen-and paper journal again.
I'm trying again tomorrow. Wish me luck...I'm exhausted. Did I mention that?

*breathes*
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
I'm back. I'm back. I'm sick of this. I've gained a few lbs, and I need to lose it. I can't do the South Beach Diet- the groceries are excessive and expensive, and I can't follow their plans. I'm doing what I did a few months ago, when I lost the 10 lbs. I've tried to not do that, I know it's not healthy, but i need to. It's the only way I can lose the weight that I gained. It's the only thing I can do right now, and seems to be the only way I can lose weight. So I'm back! I'm back to the community and I'm back to restricting. It's a relief, actually, because eating normally just makes me feel disgusting and I've been depressed. I already feel better. :P I'm so excited.
Making plans ahead of time just doesn't seem to work for me, because I feel too restricted, and all the times I've made plans in the past have failed. I need to feel some freedom, dammit! :D But I know that I will be eating under 900 cals today! That's what worked in the past, so why would I try to change what worked? Talk to you guys later.

Sunday- 1200 calories Weight- 157 lbs

Monday- 1500 calories Weight- 155 lbs.

Tuesday- 700 calories Weight- N/A

Wednesday- 2000 calories Weight- N/A