Sunday, April 15, 2012

149 lbs. and Daniel.

God. 149 lbs.
I just wants best for me, you know? And I know that being fat is not what's best for me.
My friend, Daniel, and I got into a bit of an argument yesterday about my weight loss. He started badgering me about how much I eat, blah blah blah, going on and on about nutrition and shit. I tried to explain to him that I work differently, I know all about nutrition and all that shit and I can guaruntee him that when I ate 1500 calories a day I was FAT. He just doesn't understand.
He's just trying to detract attention from himself. He attempted suicide a few months ago, and I was the one he called. I calmed him down as he was overdosing, got his address, and called 911 for him, and now that he's underweight I'm feeding him, taking care of him, making sure he gets all his exercise and vitamins. XD Yesterday, his bitch of a mother kicked him out of the house, saying, as long as you're living under my roof you are not going to do this emo bullshit!
So he's living with me for a while. XD Good. I can keep my eye on him. ;)
I just hope he doesn't try to keep an eye on me.
I'm fasting until I'm back to 145. Wish me luck ladies!

Saturday, April 14, 2012

I've eaten too much. I ate at least 1500 calories already today and I know I'll be drinking later. I've probably gained weight. Fat fat fat fat fat!!!!

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Thursday, April 12, 2012

I don't care, I'm losing weight. I'm tired of people telling me I'm the perfect weight.
And what's funny is that smoking weed just exacerbates my lack of appetite now, instead of adding to it. BOOYA!


I went to my Psychiatrist this morning and I mentioned that I had lost 15 lbs since starting school. She said, "Your weight looks absolutely perfect right now. It's not good to be overweight, but you're at a normal, healthy weight." I thought, BULL. SHIT. I still have PLENTY. I almost wanted to stand up and grab my belly, my arms, my legs, and go, 'the fuck are you fucking talking about?" She just doesn't want me to relapse into my eating disorder so she tells me I'm the perfect weight even though I'm barely normal weight.
Later on, my friend Meg saw my weight on a form and said "hey, we almost weigh the same! I weigh 140." Bullshit. I pulled out the tape measure and I was 1-3 inches bigger than her in places. She said, 'See? We're practically the same size.' Bullshit. 1-3 inches bigger means we are NOT the same size.
She has more muscle than me because she used to be athletic; that's how she can look so much smaller and we still weigh the same.
I put on my size 8 jeans and they seem a bit saggy on me...but I'm still too big. I just have a flat butt (trust me, it's flat as fuck) and that's the only way I can be a size eight. 145 pounds and smaller than a size eight? Bullshit.
If I get to 135 lbs and I'm still not happy, then I'll freak. BUT I'm god damn 145 lbs.! I don't have to fucking worry about it!
My body can handle being hit by a car, it can handle a little weight loss.
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Wednesday, April 11, 2012


yes! 148.0!
Though my happiness was short lived when I remembered that I'm still too big. I my BMI is BARELY normal weight. I'm almost overweight. I'm still chubby.
:C but 148 is better than 150!
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Tuesday, April 10, 2012


149 lbs this morning. Soon I'll be 145! XD I was hoping to be 148 by now but...oh well. It'll come soon enough. Have a great day.

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Monday, April 09, 2012

Ooops. I drank two cups of laxative tea yesterday. XD
They hit me last night, sort of, and I thought it was strange...until I woke up today. I'm fucking running to the restroom every 15 minutes.

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Sunday, April 08, 2012

ugh. Ugh. Ugh.
I was good, all day, until dinner, when I got drunk and ate...A LOT. At least a thousand calories, if not a bit more.
Though, thinking rationally, I suppose it's not too terrible. I didn't go over 1,500 calories, so I know there shouldn't be a major weight gain. But there will be no weigh loss.
I've forgiven myself. It's for the best; now my family won't think anything, and it'll help with my metabolism. I've decided to push my date back a bit; I'll lose two pounds by Wednesday instead of tuesday. Cigarettes and energy drinks abound. ;)

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Saturday, April 07, 2012

2 lbs!

Sooooooo, I have two days to lose two pounds. I don't care if it's water, shit, muscle, fat, whatever. Seeing how things have been going, I should be able to do it. Laxative tea, hullo. Mostly liquids for the next two days. May have to a eat a bit tomorrow since its easter but I promise I'll be good. :3 for the next two days! I'll let you know my progress.


I'm back!
It's bittersweet, of course. It is sad that I
Have to come back; but it's happy that I have a place to go when I need it. I've lost 10 pounds in the last two weeks after gaining ten pounds. I went back to being an omnivore. *glares* I'm back to vegetarianism. I haven't been conscious of my eating. I didn't do it on purpose; I didn't "force" my self to stop eating. I didn't think "IM GOING BACK TO NOT EATING, DAMMIT!" Nope, I just did. *shrugs* and I get sick pleasure about seeing the weight fall off. I get pleasure getting on the scale and seeing "158," "156", "152," "150." after spending so long at 160. I want to get down to 140, maybe 130.
I am not depressed. I am not anxious. I take my pills every day like I'm supposed to, and I'm happy. I'm not letting it take control of my life; I'm not exercising impulsively. I just don't eat that often. Sometimes I do, sometimes I'll get stoned and have some junk food, sometimes when I go out with my friends I'll get an egg sandwich. When I'm offered a piece of chOcOlate, I take it. Food doesn't scare me. I just don't seek it out. I just don't feel the desire to eat. I forget that I don't eat; I just realized that I haven't eaten all day and I don't think of it.
It gives me a sense of control, I think, but not a sense of punishment. I don't hate my body. I'm comfortable in it, I'm happy with it. I just want to be skinnier. When I eat a lot, I don't get upset; it helps with my metabolism. I don't know what this is. I don't know. But I feel that right now, it's good for me.