Thursday, September 30, 2010

Looking at old pictures of myself, and I can see that I was cute...but I have FO' SHO lost weight. I sometimes need that reminder. And if I look so different after only losing 10-15 lbs, I like to think about how great I'll look when I lose 10 MORE! that's what gets me going. According to my scale, I am 154 lbs. Ugh. I hate my dumb cycle. That's the only way, because I haven't done anything to deserve a 5 lb weight gain. However, I have noticed that there is significantly less fat to pinch on my arms. I was right: even though I wasn't getting immediate results with doing weight lifting, I just had to keep on it and eventually it would work. And it did! I'm lucky.
I have also decided to lower my caloric intake a bit more. I'm not going back to fasting- as you all know, I am choosing health while I still have the choice- but, since it will take a bit more for me to
Lose the weight, I think 1200-1300 calories a day should do the trick. 1500 on the weekends because girl needs a break.

- Posted from the outside world.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Life is Good

I'm due for my cycle. I've been breaking out insanely, I've been having intense cravings, and I've gained 4 lbs over night, and I have turned into mega bitch. Awesome. My weight has remained relatively unchanged for the last month, because I was 150.0 lbs at the beginning of September and 154 before my period, and I'm 150 lbs and 154 for the beginning of my period. Sigh. (I feel sort of better, though, having some sort of reference point, even if I haven't changed much.) I've been doing research, and according to PeerTrainer, if you have already been eating healthy and exercising but want to lose the last 10 lbs., it'll be even more difficult than if you were significantly overweight. Boo! One of the users says that it took up to 3 months for him to start losing weight since he started dieting stricter. Another boo! I guess patience is a virtue, though. I did screw my metabolism over, and then on top of that my body just holds onto weight, so I suppose it'll just take a bit longer for me to lose weight. But still! Booooo! I'll just have to keep doing what I'm doing, and weight loss will come naturally.
I've been eating a lot healthier, too, even from since I was fasting. A 1400 allotted calorie total a day makes a lot of room for me to spread my wings and fill my plate with healthy options, plus a couple of not-so-healthy choices, like that chocolate bar I ate yesterday. Anyway...I got to go, but I'll update later!
Life is good, don't throw it away. Love you all.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Last few days, I've been eating way too much. Not enough to gain a significant amount of weight, but enough to gross myself out. Tomorrow is a new day. Restarting my plan. I will lose 10 lbs by my birthday. I will.

- Posted from the outside world.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Ugh. Bad day.
Boys are so stupid. A bunch of them were giggling about my tits was so humiliating. I was wearing a t-shirt. A LARGE t-shirt. Seriously,..they're so immature.
On top of that, I've been overeating like crazy. I wouldn't say I've been BINGING, but let's just say that I've consumed at least 900 calories over. Ugh. I'm going to have to reaaaaallly watch myself. I really hope that I'm going to start my cycle soon, because that will explain my lack of self control. Stupid girl-ness...
And on top of that, I feel like such an awful person. My overweight friend has been struggling with her weight for longer than I have, with even less success than I. She's 5'7", 186-190 lbs. I love her, but whenever she says "OMG I'VE LOST WEIGHT!" I get a pang of...what? Jealousy? No. I'm not jealous (obviously, she weighs almost 50 lbs more than me.) but it's like...I don't WANT her to succeed, you know? Ugh. I know that sounds awful, but it's the truth. I'm the ugly duckling; I'm the formally awkward turned pretty one. I'm the health-crazed, curvy, sexy, hips and tits and curly hair one, not her! She's the fat awkward one! I know it is so awful and I know I am a bad friend. I feel terrible. I feel a sick sense of pleasure when she says "Ive gained weight..."
I guess I feel that way because, her boyfriend lives in town. She's been dating him for 8 mos and they just recently got to 2nd base. She gets to see him all the time. I never get to see Galen, and I have to sit there and listen to her talk about her bf with an air of superiority because she's "more experienced." So it's easier for me to say, "no. Fuck her. She's fat. She's not better than me."
Mean. But true.

- Posted from the outside world.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Ughhhhhhh. I overate a little bit today...1650 total. :( Ugggghh. I hardly exercised, too. I know, excuses suck, but I just didn't feel like all. I didn't want to drag my ass to the gymn, and it was raining so I couldn't go to the hiking trails. Effffff. I did 30 minutes of walking, but is that enough? Certainly not. Especially after eating 1650. Well, that's not so awful...only 150 over my BMR and 250 over my GCI. I'm going to borrow a bit from my calorie bank for tomorrow and eat 200 calories for breakfast. That'll make me feel better. I'm weighing myself tomorrow again, too, so we'll see how that goes.

Yay! Eating right, exercising, ftw.

I've good news everybody!
I have officially lost 2 lbs since eating right and exercising. :D Yay! Not as quickly as I would hope, but at least now I know it's fat I'm losing, not muscle and water. I gained about 4-2 lbs when I started eating more, and I wanted to give up and go right back to starving, but I said "No. I can choose to be healthy. This weight gain is temporary." And it was. I'm back down to 150.4 and a lot of that is fat. I can't wait until I'm down to 140 lbs.
Good luck, everybody, and good day.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Hi, My Name Is Adelle and I'm Normal.

Well then. I haven't been losing weight so much recently. No, wait, I've been LOSING it, just not...quickly. I'm losing weight relatively slowly as of late. And that is because I've been eating 1400 calories and exercising...a lot. I've gained a lot of muscle, so my "weight loss" isn't going as quickly because, as I'm losing fat, I'm gaining muscle. According to the BFI measure on my scale (which is completely and utterly inaccurate, but at least it's relatively precise) I have lost almost 5% body fat since I started exercising more (about 2 weeks ago.) I gained about 2 lbs. when I started normalizing my eating, but right now, I'm at 151.2 lbs. I wish I would lose weight faster, but I know that right now my metabolism isn't in the best place in the world. I just have to keep trying. I don't really want to go back to starving, fasting, whatever you want to call it. I just don't. I can choose, right now, so my choice is to be healthy. Good luck, ladies, in whatever endeavor you wish to undertake today!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

In response to Ariana- yes, it is like a laxative thing, but it's natural herbs and it doesn't totally screw your body over.
In unrelated news, my mom did let me go to the park after all- I hiked for approximately 1 hour and 20 minutes. It was really nice. I ended yesterday at 1500 calories :( but that's better than a full blown binge. Today, however, I feel like a pig already. I've had two bowls of cereal. TWO! That's like, 340 calories. Ugh...I'm hoping that I can eat a 100 calorie lunch and a 200 calorie dinner, so that maybe I can at least keep my cals below 700 today.
I didn't weigh myself this morning, because I just couldn't bring myself to do it, so I'll have to weigh myself tomorrow. Adios!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Well, yesterday went well. The day ended with me going to the gym and walking for 30 minutes. I wanted to do an hour but...I was just too lazy last night. :D Anyway, today is going...mediocrely. I ate alright in the morning, alright for only real downfall was eating Mallow Cups. They are really good but I *gulp* ate FOUR of them! That's 400 calories! WTF!!! Bringing my calorie total so far to 1200. Ugh. Today is an "up" day, though, so that's alright, I guess. I want to go to a local nature park to hike for awhile, but my mom is being weird about it. She seems to think that the nature park here is where all the rapists and killers like hanging out. I just want to freaking hike. But whatever. Let her be a spaz, in a few months I'll be 18 and I'll do whatever I want.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Doing a "cleanse" today. Yesterday I ate 1500 calories. (normal, but still disappoining!) And the day before about 2,000. I'm just grateful I avoided a binge. It makes me absolutely wracked with guilt, I nearly had a panic attack this weekend just thinking about it, but honestly, in retrospect, just like all my other "binges" it really wasn't that awful. So what? It's 1500-2000 calories. That's NORMAL. In fact, it's better for me because it's speeding up my metabolism. Another in fact, I wish I would allow myself to eat like that every day, but whenever I try to I always feel like a moo-cow.
Anyway, back to the "cleanse." Eating only fruits, veggies, and a few almonds. Having 5-7 meals of 100 calories spread throughout the day, plus vitamins and my pill for "cleansing." (gross...) Wish me luck.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Whew. 149.0 lbs. Not great but better than 153.

- Posted from the outside world.

On an unrealated note...don't you guys just hate family sometimes? They have this uncanny ability to make you feel awful. As you all probably know, I've been working very hard not only to lose weight but also to raise my self esteem. I've been trying to stop thinking "I'm fat I'm fat I'm fat." Well, the other day at dinner, my mom decides to bring up the subject of me getting a personal trainer. And then my brother had to jump in. And his girlfriend. I felt like they were talking to me like I was 200 lbs and they were concerned for my health. This coming from my mom, who is 200 lbs. herself. And then his girlfriend, who is actually very sweet, starts giving me dieting tips. Really? I know all of the facts, sweet heart. I have FORGOTTEN more about nutrition than you know. If they knew how I've been losing weight, they wouldn't be saying this to me. Oh, I don't think so.
And then my mother has the audacity to say, "She was always so slim! And then she was in a car accident..." I mean COME ON. I'm sorry I'm not 113 lbs. any more, mom. I'm sorry that I have brought great shame to the family. I'm sorry I'm not skinny, I'm sorry that I got fucking brain damage, I'm sorry that I have hypothyroidism, and I'm sorry I'm not your perfect size 2 little girl any more. I'm sorry I'm not constantly starving myself like my best friend. My mom always groups me with her, always says stuff like "LOL SHE HARDLY EATS ANYTHING LOL WE WOULD NEVAR DO THAT RIGHT?!" like we're both bbw's or something. Fuck that. She's 50 lbs. over weight. I'm 5 lbs. over weight.
So I've decided that I will NOT talk to my mom about my weight any more. I'm going to act like I'm a size fucking 0. She probably won't stop treating me like I'm 200 lbs. like her, but you know what, fuck that. I don't care.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Well, I've done well so far today. I ate a banana for breakfast, a veggie burger for lunch, and 12 pita chips for dinner. 620 calories. Yay! Hopefully, I won't lose control...I don't think I will, I actually don't have much of an appetite today. I lifted my weights already, so that's good...didn't really stick to ALL the rules I set, but it's a start. :( this update isn't very exciting...sorry.

Thursday, September 09, 2010

Hi, My Name Is Adelle and I'm Horrible.

I've forgotten my goals. I've forgotten how hard I worked to get to 150 lbs. I've forgotten how good I felt when I was fasting.
I have failed.
I've used my period and my "metabolism" as an excuse to eat like a pig. And where has that gotten me? Three pounds gained. 153 lbs, on my stomach. I've turned into a cow. Galen likes me, but he won't like me if I GAIN weight. If I gain 10 lbs., he won't be able to appreciate my curves because my FAT will cover them up! I look pregnant, I look gross. I need to get back to my lifestyle. I need to break out of these bad habits. So, a few rules for me to get back.
1) Eat a very small breakfast. (200 calories at most.)
2) No no no lunch.
3) Dinner is your only "normal" meal, but still keep it VERY healthy.
4) No excuses for pigging out.
5) Take Vyvanse every morning (For ADD and Depression, keeps my appetite low.)
6) Do weights every day, but exercise for 30 min-1 hour every other day (bike, gym, yoga, walking, etc.)
7) Servings should be under 100 calories so you get a variety.

All of these rules are rules I've followed in the past, but I needed to restate them. I already ate my bowl of oatmeal (130 calories) and my coffee (30 cals) this morning, and I'm already feeling so much better about myself. I don't feel like a pig who can't stop stuffing her face! Sigh. Okay, well, we'll see how the rest of the day goes.
Let's erase our mistakes, forget about our downfalls, remember our goals, and write our future.

Sunday, September 05, 2010

Ugh, I feel weak...probably ate about 1500 calories today, which is TOTALLY normal.
It makes me feel better when I over-eat to remember that over-eating, to me, is normal eating for everybody else.
Seriously, when I overeat, I eat about 1500-2000 calories. That doesn't lead to weight gain...
I have to keep remembering that I need balance. Balance, balance, balance! Sigh...

Saturday, September 04, 2010

Yay! I'm feeling good. Yesterday, I ate a few cookies, which were not part of my plan...I just couldn't resist those cookies! But this morning, I weighed in at 149.4 lbs. :) So I've lost almost all the water weight I had gained from over eating a week ago.
I can't wait to get down to at least 145 lbs. Goal weight number one is so close!
And if you're wondering, Galen is doing awesomely. ;D He likes me...a lot.

Thursday, September 02, 2010


Ate 1500 calories today, after eating about 1200 calories yesterday. I planned this, don't worry. I'm hoping it'll help speed up my weight loss, because when I was doing this before, I was losing weight really fast.
I'm still sticking by what I said before, though. My new goal weight is 145, maybe 140. Maybe. We'll see what happens. But I don't want to lose too much weight. I don't want to lose my curves...I don't know, I just think that everybody is beautiful in their own way, and I happen to be a little curvier... does that make sense? Yeah, it does. It does make sense.
Anyway, tomorrow I'm eating 500 calories. I know I'll be able to do it because, I just started up on Vyvanse again, and as you guys know, that totally kills my appetite. (Heh, I always eat like 800 calories when I plan on eating 500 calories...whatever! I do what I want!)