Friday, December 31, 2010

I can't be put off. I have to be stubborn. Even if I experience set backs. Even if I gain weight. Even if I have to exercise three hours a day. No matter what, I have to keep going. I have to stay strong. I have to keep fighting. I will lose this weight. I will. It's not a question.


- Posted from the outside world.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Ugh

Finally got my period...sorry for the TMI.
I didn't weigh myself this morning, simply because I was so tired, I just wanted to get my coffee and eat some breakfast.
In other news, guess who's spending the New Years alone? ME. Fuck everything. My friends mother is making her spend it with her dad, one of my close friends is spending it with my other close friend- yeah they're great friends. They even fucking told me about their plans, too. And my other "best friend" is spending it with her boyfriend. I've been that girls friend for five years. I've been her ONLY FRIEND for most of that time. And she's spending it with the boyfriend that she's had for a few months? Fuck that.
So I'm just spending it with my mom. FUCKING FANTASTIC. All my friends are dumb shits.

Food Journal
Food Intake
Breakfast-
1 Orowheat Sandwich Bread- 100
1 Fried Egg- 70
1 slice American Cheese- 60
Ketchup- 7
1 Fiber One Pop Tart- 180
1 tblspn Coffee Creamer- 30
447

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

I weighed myself this morning. 154.6.
Not great, but better than I thought. And it shows that I'm losing some weight, at least, sooo...
I've been thinking. Since I have such an appetite, rather than try to restrict and binge and make myself miserable, maybe I should just exercise a lot? That's what I've been doing for the last few days, and I realized how much I love exercise. I remember I used to walk all the time, but now I like a bit more strenuous aerobic exercise. I've been thinking that I could eat, and just exercise off 500 or so calories. We'll see how it works.
Today is a 1500 calorie day.
I'm really proud of myself because I ate 600 calories yesterday. Actually, 570. EXCLUDING the ice cream that I was counting towards it. I wanted to eat more, but I didn't. I knew that today I would get to eat plenty. Speaking of!

Food Journal
Intake
Breakfast-
1 piece of Bread- 90
1 tblspn Prailinutta- 90
1/2 tblspn Honey- 30
1 tblspn coffee creamer-30
1/3 cup Egg Whites- 40
1/4 cup Soy cheese Shreds- 52
1/8 cup Sliced Mushrooms- 10
342 Calories

Snack-
1 slice of Raspberry Pie- 125
1/2 bowl of Cereal- 80
205

Lunch-
1 bowl Cream of Mushroom-Carrot and Tortillini Soup- 300
1 slice of Toast- 90
Smart Balance- 40
1 salad- 20
1 Skinny Cow Fudge Pop- 100
550

Snack-
2 Hard Candies- 15

Dinner-
1 Veggie Burger- 235
1 Baked Potato- 110
1 Tblspn Ketchup- 15
1 slice of Pie- 250 (I just can't seem to get away from that pie.)

Total- 1710 (sigh)

Expenditure
3 hours wii fit- 500 calories
11 miles biking- 300 calories 


Total- -800

Net Calories- 910 

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

OH MY GOD

Jesus. I must be retaining water or something, because guess what I fucking saw on the fucking scale? ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY SEVEN LBS. THAT'S RIGHT. 157! God that is so awful! Now, now, I have to relax because just a couple of days ago I was 154 and I know that I didn't eat enough to gain 3 lbs. There's no way. I just have to relax. I don't really weigh that much. Yes, I gained three or four lbs since halloween, and yes I need to lose it, but I most definitely didn't gain seven lbs. So I need to calm down and breathe. I'm PMSing, I'm retaining water, and my weight will go back down after my period. *breathes*
So, okay, yesterday, my friend decides that it'd be a fucking fantastic idea to show up at my house with ice cream, because she knew I was PMSing and she wanted to make me feel better. I wish she hadn't. I ate 360 calories of that shit.
I was doing SO FUCKING WELL. God dammit! Ugh! And I would have done GREAT if it wasn't for HER!
But. I have my plan. I'm going to 600-800 calories today, AND I'm going to exercise and burn of the 360 calories extra that I ate yesterday so I can pretend that it never happened. So, pretending that the 360 calories never happened, everything will be back to normal. *breathes*

Later...
After exercising off the 360 calories (Yes, I already did it.) My conscious can rest peacefully, knowing that I can reasonably pretend that the ice cream never happened. :3 I lost 2 lbs of water weight already, from all the ssweating I did, and the diuretic. It still sucks because my weight is still much higher than I want it to be, but at least I know that I'm not really 157 lbs. I'm still waiting for my period to come.

Food Journal 
Breakfast
Ice Cream- 360
Light Pumpkin muffin- 125
485

Lunch
3/4 Spring Roll- 75
2 Avocado Rolls- 40
Peppermint Stick- 45
160

Dinner
I don't know yet
200 


1 hour Wii Fit- -240
5 miles Cycling- 120

Calories Consumed- 845
Calories Burned- 360

Monday, December 27, 2010

Focus

I think that if I really focus, I can lose the weight....
And by focus, I don't mean, diet a bit for a couple of days and lose focus and overeat. Because obviously, that doesn't work. Overeating cancels out any good thing that I do. So, I'm starting with my diet logging again.

Net Calories For Today
Intake
Breakfast-
Scrambled Egg Whites- 30
Toast- 90
Fiber One Pop Tart- 180
Creamer- 30
330

Lunch-
1/2 Soy Chicken/Cheese Breast- 130
3/4 cup Broccoli and Cheese Cous Cous- 200
1 cup Broccoli- 20
1 slice of Pie (naughty!)- 250 calories
Peppermint Stick- 45
645

Snack- 1 Carrot Cake Cupcake (naughty.)- 135 calories


Planned Dinner-
4 Cucumber Rolls- 120
4 Spicy Crunch Rolls- 240
1 Chocolate Mousse- 60 
420 

Total consumed- 1,530

Expendature
1 Hour of Wii Fit (I got one for x-mas and was absolutely ecstatic!)- 200 calories
11 miles Cycling- 330 Calories

Total Burned- 530 calories.

BTW- Calories consumed yesterday=860 calories.
Tomorrow hopefully I'll eat 600 calories. I've been taking diuretics to help with my water weight, too.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

All right. I DEFINITELY am about to start my period, because I have gained at least 4 lbs of water weight. Today is a restriction day and I took a diuretic to help my weight. Wish me luck.


- Posted from the outside world.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

This Post Is Boring and Some What Obligatory

Merry Christmas, everybody! I'm sure we all had a lot of fun with the Christmas food...heh. I'm sorry if your Christmas sucked because of the food, because I know you all deserve to indulge a bit, but hey. Unfortunately, I ate a bit too much myself...but thankfully, I exercised for an hour in the morning, and my overeating was stopped after 1 plate of food. The people in my family put away an average of 2 full plates of food, but I don't have a gallbladder- I can't digest fat very well, and my mom made a cheesy dish of potatoes...delicious, but sent me into agonizing stomach cramps after a serving...
And then, of course, 1/2 a slice of pie, 2 croissants (They're delicious.) and some zucchini. That was about it for my christmas eve dinner, but of course I had eaten about 700 calories prior. But, still, not too bad...
(That was boring, albeit obligatory details.)

My plan-
1- Continue to do the Alt-Day Diet, using Vyvanse to help. (1500 calories-500 calories.) I'm sort of loose with it, some times I go 2 days on 700 calories, sometimes I eat 2000 calories...but w/e.)
2- Drink more fluids. (4-8 glasses a day, preferably. I want my pee to be clear...XD)
3- Exercise 3-6 times a week.
4- Weigh myself every morning...

I sort of just reiterated what I said before...but I want to make sure I got it.

Also, I think my guy friend Wes sort of likes me... a lot. I was talking to him today and we started talking about my new years resolutions, and he said "You're Adele, whether you gain weight or not. You're Adele now and you're Adele after you gain weight." Of course I thought he was being funny, so I said, "I'll be FAT Adele." He went and said "Eh, Fat Adele or thin Adele, I love Adele!" Eh? While that's very nice and flattering and stuff, I don't know how happy I am about him saying that. I mean, he's nice and everything but he's not Galen. I don't know if he understood the gravity of that word.
Well, anyway, it was very nice, so I should just take it as that, right?

Thursday, December 23, 2010

153.8. Sigh. The exact same low weight as before. Sigh. At least I haven't gained.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Resolutions

Well, yesterday and the day before, I ate 1500 calories. I exercised for an hour on monday, but didn't exercise yesterday. So...mediocre. But my weight this morning, which I'm assuming is caused by my binge on friday, was 155 lbs. Ugh. :( Well, as much as I absolutely hate that, I have to say that that's no reason to be totally upset. Yes, it's a gain, but every normal person gains weight during the holidays. I've been this weight since Halloween, so I guess my indulgences are overcoming any other good thing I do. But I've been maintaining this weight for awhile, so I guess it could be worse- I could be gaining 10, 15 lbs like a lot of women do. So...I guess, it doesn't suck THAT BAD.
 I need MORE focus. Over-eating is no good, whether it's once a week or everyday, so I need to STOP IT! If I want to get back down to 150 and then eventually 140, I need focus. So, resolutions time!

Past resolutions-
1) "I will not indulge in "thinspo." It's just crushing myself esteem, and it directly breaks rule #2..."
      I've gotten a lot better at this. I don't purposefully go out and seek thinspo, which is good. However, I may start looking at "healthspo" more often just so I will have a little bit more inspiration to be healthy and stuff.
2) I will stop comparing myself to others. Everybody is different.
    Oh, man. I have not been keeping this resolution. I was doing well for awhile, but I still sort of look at other people and compare myself to them. Even my vagina. Yes, my vagina! I look at other peoples privates- and when I say other peoples, I mean pornstars- and I compare mine to theirs. Which is ridiculous, since porn stars vaginas are, of course, totally perfect. That's why they're porn stars. 3) I will lose however much or little weight as I desire. 150, 145, 140. Whatever. 
   Was this really a resolution? I think what I meant to say was that I wouldn't become the super thin "ideal." I would lose however much I felt I needed. Which, you know, I still want to do. 4) I will not "binge" and "purge." I will not overeat and then compensate by fasting. 

    Well, I haven't necessarily been doing this, but I have been over-eating and justifying it by knowing that I would just restrict the next day. The restricting isn't due to the overeating, but the overeating is due- in part- to the restricting.


New Resolutions to Add-
1) I will regain focus and get down to 145 lbs. 
2) I will start exercising three times a week. 
3) I will drink more water.
4



Of course, I'm starting these resolutions early- and I know that I can do it, because I've done it before. Maybe not in awhile, but I have done it! I have to start taking my Vyvanse more often (although I DO NOT want to rely on my vyvanse to help me eat 800 calories a day, because I know I can without vyvanse.) and I have to start really focusing on this. Eyes on the prize.
What I've been doing- which hasn't been working- is that I haven't been restricting every other day. I've been restricting two, three days in a row (with the help of vyvanse) which not only totally screws my metabolism, but also makes my appetite ridiculous when I go a day without taking Vyvanse. So, I'm thinking that what I will do is 500-800 calories one day (with vyvanse), 1500 calories the next day (without vyvanse), and so on. NO binging. No saying "It's okay, I'll fast tomorrow." because that will not help with weight loss, and no saying "It's okay, I'll exercise for an hour." Whenever I overeat and justify it by saying I'll exercise, I always feel so awful anyway that I don't excercise- so that doesn't work at all. Also, I'm going to start exercising at least 3 times a week again. No matter what, I have to get physical activity in. I know it sounds hard, but like I said, I know that it'll be easy because I've done it before. So I'm ready for this. I'm ready to reinstate the healthy behavior I used to engage in, and I'm ready to lose these damn 5 lbs.
Another one of my new years resolutions is to work on my self esteem more. I want to continue recovering from BDD, and I want to be confident in my own skin. Exercising and losing weight will help me with that.
Sorry about the long post. :D Good luck ladies, and I love yah!

(PS- I read an article that stated that the "holiday season" was a 1-2 week period. Where the hell are they getting that from? No no no, the holiday season is 2-3 MONTHS. I WISH it was 1-2 weeks.)

Monday, December 20, 2010

I'm Tired

I'm so tired of this. I'm so tired of being obsessed with my weight and height and my calories consumed. This sort of behavior kills people, ruins their lives. I wish I could just stop it. But I can't. It doesn't really matter, does it, because I'm still "normal" weight. In fact, I'm verging on overweight still, whether I am 5'5" or 5'4". So It doesn't matter what I eat- or don't eat, for that matter. None of it matters. I could starve myself and constantly check my reflection and think of my calories all the time and it wouldn't matter because I'm "normal" and "healthy" weight. Boo.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

I grew an inch...weird, eh?
I guess that's good because then, at my "general" weight (The weight that I can get to very easily but then struggle to get past, which is 150 lbs.) I'm no longer overweight. Which is awesome!

Friday, December 17, 2010

-2 lbs.

Well! I am proud to say that I have already lost 2 lbs. Went from 155 to 153 in one day. (Like I said before, I know that that's water weight, but it still makes me feel really good about myself that I am CAPABLE of weighing 153 lbs. You can't weigh less than what you really are.)
Wednesday, I ate 850 calories, yesterday I ate 650. Today, who knows? But less than 1000 for sure.
I have a party tonight to attend, but I'm taking my vyvanse this morning, so the party food should be no problem. (Vyvanse really is quite a life saver. I naturally have such a huge appetite, and I don't think I would be able to restrict so much without it.)
I'm excited to see what the scale says tomorrow!

Later...
Meeeh okay...Well I ate a little bit too much for lunch. I ate half a spinach pocket, a half a sandwich, a popsicle, a granola bar, popcorn and hot cocoa...bleh! So I've eaten 850 calories today. That's okay. I don't suck...I didn't binge. What I really want to do is not eat for the rest of the day, but I know that's sort of unreasonable, since i have a party to attend later on tonight. But if I could end the day at less than 1000 calories, that'd be great.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

An Arduous Process

Sigh. I have been overeating too much, and I haven't been weighing myself everyday.  I really think that I need to weigh myself every day, because if I don't, weight is pushed to the back of my mind and I eat a bit too much. So! I need to start weighing myself every day. I did all right since my last post, but I ate a lot on Tuesday. :( I'm still 155 lbs. Ugh. I need to keep trying! I'll update you when I weigh myself tomorrow.
I'm going back and re-reading articles about intermittent fasting, and I read a few first hand accounts from people who are doing a bit of what I'm doing. It's making sense again. Health, of course, makes the most sense, but I know that I can't lose weight without intermittent fasting. I don't have an eating disorder and I'm not being unhealthy. These things are making sense again. ^_^

Also, I went to Denny's today with a friend of mine...and we had a very long conversation over coffee. He said to me, totally randomly, (don't roll your eyes!) that his main number one turn off is lack of self- confidence. Which turned into a two hour long conversation about who we like, what we like, who has self-confidence, blah blah blah...I learned a lot of lessons from that and I want to write them down before I forget. Everybody needs self-confidence. Every body should be confident...not when you're 10 pounds lighter, or when you change your hair color, or three sizes smaller. If you don't have self-confidence now, you won't have self-confidence then.
Believe me, self confidence is attractive, and that's coming from somebody who needs some of herself. I find self-confidence in girls to be very attractive, and girls who act like they don't want to be touched just. turn. me. off. So, I need to learn that, and remember it...
Recovery from Body Dysmorphic Disorder is such an arduous process. Some days are worse than others. But I need to keep fighting.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Feel like a pig. God. Saturday I ate a bit over 2000 calories, felt like a cow...next day, sunday, I ate maybe 1300 calories. So far today I've eaten 500 calories and I want to end the day at 800 calories, but who the hell knows?

Thursday, December 09, 2010

I ate more than 2,000 yesterday, I'm sure. I went out to eat with my niece and my sister-in-law, and we ordered a dessert...and that dessert was high in cals. I also ate 2 bread sticks and some pasta, plus everything else i had eaten that day. Today, ate 500 calories. Tomorrow...idk. I'll try to aim for 1200.

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

found this beautiful bike at Wal-Mart- yeah, Wal-Mart. So classy. 90 dollars.
I made a deal with myself. If I lose five lbs. I'll buy the bike for myself. I don't care how I lose it, just as long as I lose it.

Monday, December 06, 2010

I didn't do well today. Ended at about 1400 calories, no exercise. I'm fucking exhausted. I'm going to do some leg lifts and sit ups before bed, but will that really help? I don't know...
I know I've lost weight before. I've done it before and I can do it again. I just want to get back down to 150 lbs. at least...
I think I'm going to start keeping a pen-and paper journal again.
I'm trying again tomorrow. Wish me luck...I'm exhausted. Did I mention that?

Sunday, December 05, 2010

*breathes*
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
I'm back. I'm back. I'm sick of this. I've gained a few lbs, and I need to lose it. I can't do the South Beach Diet- the groceries are excessive and expensive, and I can't follow their plans. I'm doing what I did a few months ago, when I lost the 10 lbs. I've tried to not do that, I know it's not healthy, but i need to. It's the only way I can lose the weight that I gained. It's the only thing I can do right now, and seems to be the only way I can lose weight. So I'm back! I'm back to the community and I'm back to restricting. It's a relief, actually, because eating normally just makes me feel disgusting and I've been depressed. I already feel better. :P I'm so excited.
Making plans ahead of time just doesn't seem to work for me, because I feel too restricted, and all the times I've made plans in the past have failed. I need to feel some freedom, dammit! :D But I know that I will be eating under 900 cals today! That's what worked in the past, so why would I try to change what worked? Talk to you guys later.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Sunday- 1200 calories Weight- 157 lbs
Monday- 1500 calories Weight- 155 lbs.
Tuesday- 700 calories Weight- N/A
Wednesday- 2000 calories Weight- N/A

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Well, I'm 156 lbs. :( Ugh. 6 lbs...gross...
I'm going to restrict again for a couple of weeks to lose weight. Let's hope it works.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Haven't been on in a while, but I thought I'd drop a line.
I haven't been able to lose any weight, getting sort of frustrated. But I HAVE been eating a bit too much ice cream so....I guess I just have to eat stricter to lose a few lbs.
Things are getting sort of crazy. Galen and I got in a fight the other day, and we almost broke up...emphasis on almost. But he's still too far away from me, and I don't get to see him. Ever. Fuck.
There's a girl I'm interested in too. Her name is bailey, and she's very fun. And I want to have fun. But I don't want to hurt her, because I don't really want a relationship....I just want somebody to hang out with, make out with, cuddle with...I guess a friends-with-benefits relationship. :P I somehow don't think Galen will agree with this. Bailey is friends with my friends who are friends with Galen...so Galen will certainly find out from somebody if Bailey doesn't keep her mouth shut. Ahh...well....

Monday, November 08, 2010

South Beach Diet and 153 lbs.

153 lbs. Bleh. That's alright since the other day I was 155 lbs...so I guess 153 is good. I've officially started Phase 1 of the south beach diet, and I'm already glad that I signed up for it online. I already feel grateful for the support that the website gives, even though I haven't even been on the diet for one day. I can't wait to see the weight loss...hopefully, with a little bit of structure and support, the weight will come off this time around!
Also, I've started taking a fat burning supplement- it's just caffiene and ephedra, so it doesn't seem that awful.

Sunday, November 07, 2010

SIGGGGGHHHH! Well, ladies. I've been eating 2,000 calories a day and exercising. You know, being normal. It's okay...I gained a  few lbs., unfortunately, and now I'm 155 lbs! Dammit! BUT it's okay, because this has happened before and I always lost it. I'm really good at maintaining my weight.
Well, I decided to join the South Beach Diet. I keep thinking that I should just go back to fasting, but...I have to resist that urge because I know it isn't healthy. That could lead me down a very, very bad path. Check out my South Beach Diet Profile at http://www.southbeachdiet.com/profile/I_Will_Lose_It.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Siggggh well, I'm okay. My weight a few days ago was 154 lbs...:( God dammit. I'm so bothered by that. But, the other day, I was sick- which is awful, but I lost 3 lbs in a day! 151 lbs. That's alright...I'm going to have to keep fighting, though, to get under 150. I won't give up. I will keep trying. It's not fair that I can't lose weight as easily as other people but...oh well. I'll just keep trying. I can do it!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010


Well, yesterday went really great...Until I went out to dinner for my sisters birthday. I ate two salads, coffee, 1/2 a fried banana, 1/3 a slice of chocolate cake, and 3 bites of crem brûlée. That's okay, certainly much better than I could have done, but it still brought my calorie total to about 1300/1500 calories. :( oh well.

- Posted from the outside world.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Well, after about a week of "normal" eating last week, I over-ate a bit on thursday, friday, and saturday....I was hanging out with my friends, and we all know what a downfall friends can be. I'm certain that I gained a few lbs., but I refuse to weigh myself...not yet! Yesterday, I ate about 900/1000 calories, and I'm hoping for about 600 calories today. I want to make up for the mistakes I've made in the last few days, and I want to get past 150 lbs. It's been a real struggle for me. For some reason, my body just doesn't want to get below 150...either it just holds onto the weight like a bitch, or my appetite spikes. Ech! I hate it! Anyway, hopefully I can get below 150 lbs soon, if I stick to things. Wish me luck~

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Ugh. Finished the day at 2,200 calories, exercised for an hour and 45 minutes on the stationary bike...that's alright...not unhealthy, I guess. Blegh. Doing a very low-cal day tomorrow though.


- Posted from the outside world.

Bleh

Well! Hello everybody!
Ech. 151 lbs. That's alright, but...It's the same exact weight I've been for awhile now. I can't seem to break through 151. Of course, it hasn't exactly helped that I didn't fast AT ALL this week! I just didn't feel much like it, so I've been eating 1200-1800 calories this week, plus 1 hour exercise...well, that certainly isn't unhealthy. But I do wish that I could have fasted for even one day. I'm sure I could've lost some weight. Anyway...I guess, I'll be fasting tomorrow then. :| My plan is 2,000 calories today, +1 hour of exercise on the crosstrainer, and +1 hour of exercise on the bike. That'll be more than a thousand calories burned...and tomorrow, a 0 calorie day consisting of coffee, water, and perhaps some diet soda if I need it. Wish me luck.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Well. I haven't been fasting very well recently. My last "fast" was 1200 calories, which is alright...but not a fast! I'm aiming for 500 calories today, but of course I'll probably end up at 800. :D It's hard for me to fast, of course, I'm human. I just have to keep going and hoping that I will break through 150 lbs....I can't wait for the day I'm 149 lbs.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Well, things sort of suck. For some reason, on friday, I got really depressed; and I binged. I don't know exactly how many calories I ate, but I estimated it at about 3000 calories. Three thousand calories! That's TWO days worth of food. Wow. That's sort of fucked up. The next day, I meant to fast down to 500 calories; but I felt still felt depressed... I ate three poptarts for breakfast and a banana. Ugh! I didn't eat for the rest of the day, so that was 800 calories.
Good news, however, is that my weight hasn't changed that much. I was 150.4 Friday morning, binged, was 151.4 yesterday morning, and was 150.4 this morning again. Whew. I'm starting my week off at 150 lbs, just as planned. So hopefully I can lose two pounds this week and be 148 next week! Keep your fingers crossed, ladies!

Friday, October 15, 2010


Hello everybody! My weight as of this morning? 150.4 lbs! That wasn't a typo! 150.4. Isn't that fantastic? Also, everybody else seems to think that I've lost even more weight because I look more "toned." Which is awesome because that means that I'm gaining muscle- which I assumed anyway. I'm glad that I've broken through my mini-plateau. That's 2 lbs lost this week, 2 lbs lost last week, probably just of water weight. But that's so real to me, because when I lose the water weight, it shows what my weight actually is, you know? Anyway, my plan for today is this- 400 calories for breakfast, (done) 100 calories for a snack, 500 calories for lunch and 500 calories for dinner. 1 Hour of exercise. I think I may go hiking, because I haven't been in so long...but idk, maybe.

- Posted from the outside world.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Well! Here is my new blog- http://kamikazephantom1310.xanga.com/
It's about body acceptance, but I will also be talking about my desires to lose weight on this blog, too. I can't exactly talk about my weight loss on a blog about self-acceptance, can I?
151.8 lbs. I was so happy! I mean, obviously that's not awesome, since I've been lower before, but considering that yesterday I was 154 lbs, 151.8 is pretty damn good. I'm fasting today (Well, at least partially- I ate a banana and two salads) and took my vyvanse to help me with that. I've set my "fasting" days to twice a week- thursdays and tuesdays, or Mondays and Wednesdays if I have Thursdays and Tuesdays lunch, with a 2,000 calorie day separating them. I've been exercising for an hour nearly every day for the last couple of weeks, as well, sometimes for 30 minutes on fasting days. Damn weight loss is so difficult. I can't weight until I get below 150 again. Anyway, my weigh-in tomorrow will hopefully show a weight drop- maybe I'll be 150! Wish me luck, ladies.


I've also had a lot of luck with my self-image issues, as well. I am turning my thoughts around. I don't mean to offend anybody, but now, when I hear somebody talk about how they want their BMI to be 17 or something, instead of saying "Me too, that would be great," I think "Wow, I wish they could see that they are worth something even if they don't weigh 90 lbs."
I'm still a little obsessed with my weight, yeah. But I'm getting better. I love all of you girls, even if you don't know me, and I hope that you can find a little bit of self-esteem today. You are ALL gorgeous, beautiful, perfect, and awesome JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.

P.S. Galen is pretty much the best fucking thing ever.
But now, I have a peruvian exchange student who is in love with me, as well. He's not exactly in love with me but...I made the mistake of going to lunch with him a few days ago, and he likes me...a lot. I feel bad. I told Galen about him, and then had to explain to Galen that I didn't want anybody else but him. It was a long debacle...I feel bad for the Peruvian, because he really is an nice person, and I would like to have him as a friend, but I know that he would just hurt so badly being around me but not being able to have me.
Anyway...it's a long story. But at least now I have established that Galen and I only have eyes for each other.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

The Perfect Size

I'm fasting today to cleanse my system from the binge yesterday. :D
My blog has been slowly evolving into more of a body-acceptance blog, I've noticed, and I changed the name. I'm also going to start posting daily affirmations that will hopefully make you guys feel a little bit better about your bodies, if even for just a minute.

You are the perfect size, whatever size you are. You're perfect already.


Saturday, October 09, 2010

I've been binging all day. I don't feel awesome, but whatever...who gives a fucking fuck. Fuck it. I'm just going to enjoy the fucking binge day and make up for it tomorrow and the week following. Today is a new day.
I've been binging all day. I don't feel awesome, but whatever...who gives a fucking fuck. Fuck it. I'm just going to enjoy the fucking binge day and make up for it tomorrow and the week following. Today is a new day.

Intuition.

Sigh. Ended the day at 1,600 calories yesterday. Did 1 hour on the machine, so that was -400 calories. Meh. That's mediocre. Not as good as I would like but...I'm not going to bitch. I guess I'm sort of still eating a lot healthier now, because I really don't want to go back to feeling bad if I don't fast...throw all the old rules and diets and whatever out. I'm starting new. I'm using my intuition from here on out.
My intuition (hehee) is telling me to "fast" twice weekly, and eat normally other days. That sounds like something I could follow...wish me luck!
BTW, didn't weigh myself this morning, I felt like crap. Another btw, I'm taking my SAT today! wooten! Okay, I'm going now. Sorry this update was so boring.

Friday, October 08, 2010

This morning, I was 151.6 lbs. Awesome, even though yesterday I ate too much yesterday. Today, I've sort of fallen off the wagon. It was supposed to be a low-day, but I ate a biscuit and some frito chips in second period. :( I was hungry! Then I went to lunch with my friend and had an awesome avocado chipotle sandwich and a salad. Well, it was all healthy (except for the Fritos!) but my total is 1,000 calories. I'm thinking that I'm going to have a grilled "chicken" salad for dinner tonight (about 200 calories) to bring my total up to 1200 calories, and then going to the gym for an hour or so...let's see what my weight is tomorrow, ladies!
Even though I've eaten a bit more than I would have liked today, I'm still really proud of myself- My heart rate hardly spiked above 180 yesterday, meaning that I am in better shape, and I've also noticed that I didn't really run out of breath at all. I also lost 2 lbs. this week, which is awesome! And, today, I hardly thought that I was fat, except for my arms...I kept checking my arms...which is retarded.

Thursday, October 07, 2010

Hello Kitty Is My Thinspo

I've gotten so caught up in my weight loss, I've forgotten what I'm trying to convey in this blog. To make up for it, I'll share this quote with you-

"Does being thin resolve anything? No. The irony is that when I abandoned that desire to dominate my body, it actually became the body that I’d always wanted. But it only happened when I stopped trying to control it. At the end of the day, this kind of obsession is pointless and meaningless."

Be the weight that's healthy for you. I have a few more lbs. to lose, yeah...but am I aiming for 115 lbs? No. I'm aiming for 145 lbs. That's what I want. Some people think that's fat, but that's just the size that I want to be.

I don't believe in being happy with being over weight. Being 15 or 20 lbs. over weight is NOT healthy, just as being 15 lbs. underweight is not. Eat healthy and exercise...but if you do those things and you're still not skinny, it's not the end of the world. That's just what I think. Maybe a little hypocritical, but you know what...whatever. I'm a hypocrite. Deal with it.
www.hellokittyismythinspo.com
(great site!)

So, following this same thread, I have decided to make some resolutions.
1) I will not indulge in "thinspo." It's just crushing myself esteem, and it directly breaks rule #2...
2) I will stop comparing myself to others. Everybody is different.
3) I will lose however much or little weight as I desire. 150, 145, 140. Whatever.
4) I will not "binge" and "purge." I will not overeat and then compensate by fasting.

I will, however, continue on my intermittent fasting plan. I DO still want to lose 5 or so lbs. So, still wish me luck!

152 lbs.!

Weight this morning? 152 lbs! Yay! I'm so proud of myself. Yesterday, I had about 25 crackers for dinner...haha, I was hungry! I was planning on eating a popsicle after the gym, but I decided against it, knowing that today I would be eating. Hopefully, I won't binge today. Thus far I've had 3/4 cup coco pebbles (115 calories) 1/2 cup soy milk (30) 1 Acai berry toaster pastry (210 calories) and coffee. That's about 400 calories, and I'm planning on eating 1,500 calories today. Tomorrow I have lunch with my friend, so my plan is to eat 1 meal tomorrow. My week so far looks like this-
Sunday: 1,700 calories
Monday: 500 calories
Tuesday: 2,200 calories
Wednesday: 450 calories.
Thursday: 1,500 calories (Hopefully!)
Friday: (500 calories) (Hopefully...)
My weight at the start of this week was 154...and it's gone down to 152, so I've lost 2 lbs. of water weight this week. Hopefully next week I can lose the last 2 lbs of water weight and start the real weight loss.

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

Today went well...I ate the last slice of coffee cake at 3:00 am though... (190 calories.) But...
Yesterday, was a failure. 1,000 calories before lunch time, and then got home, ate a ton of almonds, a piece of laughing cow cheese, and then went to my mothers dinner, where I ate about 10 pieces of these crispy texas toast chip thingies, artichoke dip, potato chips, soup, some pasta and to finish it all off...peach cobbler with a scoop of ice cream. Sigh. Total, about, is 2,200 calories for the day...and my weight as of this morning? 155 lbs. God.
Good news, though, I started my period this morning. Hopefully...this 5 lbs. are just water weight. I hope.
Today, I had a cup of coffee for breakfast, a cup of coffee and five saltine crackers for lunch, and I'm not sure what I'm having for dinner...more crackers and tea, I'm hoping, because if I eat anything else I'll probably lose control. Can I do this tomorrow too...? I'm going to try. I need to lose this water weight!
It's easier for me to control myself when I just don't eat, rather than if I eat a small breakfast, and try not to eat lunch until dinner.

Tuesday, October 05, 2010


Okay. Sigh. My morning went alright, until I saw the coffee cake in the back of my fridge. 200 calories, I thought- 300 cals for lunch. So I ate the coffee cake, and I was REALLY tempted to grab another slice. But I didn't. I made a sandwich for my lunch (170 calories) and a granola bar (130 calories)...so that was okay. I devoured the sandwich and granola bar in the car, though! What the hell is wrong with me?! Breakfast and lunch gone, before 10:00 am. Sigh. Well, naturally I freaked out a little bit, but I just had to breath and say "It's okay. So, you ate your lunch really early. That's okay. You had lunch detention today, anyway. Just don't eat for the rest of the day until dinner, and your calorie total will be 1500 calorie like planned." so now I'm drinking a large coffee to clear my head. I don't have any cash, so I can't buy any more food- I won't have time to go off campus before detention, and the school only accepts cash. So, everything is okay guys. I just got a little scared for a minute there.

- Posted from the outside world.

Update and recipe.

Ariana- Yes, house is the BEST SHOW IN THE WORLd. I am completely and uncontrollably in love with Mr. Laurie. And the courdonbleu (I'm still not spelling it right) is awesome. I homemade it, though, with soy cheese, fake chicken, and crushed croutons. I'll have to share the recipe it was better than expected.

But I digress! I have good news! I'm losing the 4 lbs. of nasty water weight I've been carrying around. Yay! I just want to lose the waste and water weight first, because my real weight is underneath that 4 lbs. Anyway...today is my mothers birthday, so I have to go to dinner with her and a big group of people. I remember last year on her birthday, I ate a chicken salad...and she was freaking out and saying "OMG EATTT IT'S MY BIRTHDAY LOL HAHAHA." She was totally drunk of course...anyway...today is my "up" day, so I'm eating around 1500 calories. So far today I have had 1 slice of toast, 1 egg, 1 packet of oatmeal, 1 tblspn of soy cheese, 1/2 cup Fruit Salad, and coffee. Let's see how the rest of my day goes.

Faux Courdonbleu Recipe-
1 Quorn Meatless and Soy Free Naked Chicken Cutlets (80 calories.)
1 Veggie Slices Mozarella Soy Cheese (40 calories)
1 clove of garlic (10)
Garlic Salt
6 Fresh Gourmet Cheese and Garlic Croutons (30 calories)
1/4 Cup of Tomato Sauce (Any Brand, I don't care.) (about 30 calories.)

Steps-
1- Place the croutons and garlic cloves in a sandwich bag and crush the croutons into a coarse powder.
2-Prepare the chicken cutlet by either cooking it in the microwave with a small amount of water for 2 minutes or on a non-stick skillet, flipping every few minutes on medium heat, for 10 or so minutes. Do not cook completely through- leave it a tiny bit undone.
3-Tear the Veggie Slices into thirds and place over the top of the cutlet, making sure to cover the top of the cutlet. Heat in microwave for 20-30 seconds until cheese is slightly melted.
4- Sprinkle the crushed croutons and garlic over the top, evenly covering the melted cheese. Put the Tomato sauce on top of this, being careful not to disrupt the melted cheese or crushed croutons. Heat the chicken, cheese, croutons, and sauce in the microwave again for 30-60 seconds, until the sauce is warm.
5- Sprinkle garlic salt to taste. Enjoy!

I put this over broccoli, which is really easy to make- simply place a cup of broccoli in a shallow bowl with some water and garlic salt, cover, and microwave for 2:00 minutes. Stir and check the tenderness of the broccoli, and microwave for another 2:00 minutes...or, if you don't want to microwave, put the broccoli water and garlic salt in a sauce pan, cover, and cook for awhile until it's done. I'm not sure on the time for that...anyway, I made this recipe last night and it turned out really delicious. I was surprised because I just made it up as I went along. The whole thing was about 220 calories, which was amazing.

Monday, October 04, 2010

Dia buena...

Helllooooo everybody! I'm feeling pretty alright...everything went according to plan, buttttt I did eat about 100 calories in the middle there. Those calories really count up- 30 calories for my lunch time coffee, 30 calories worth of raisins, and 30 calories of croutons! Yeah! Croutons! They're delicious little bastards. Anyway, so, rather than a 500 cal. dinner, I'm only getting a 400 cal dinner...boo. But, c'est la vie. I didn't binge, at least. I'm weighing in tomorrow, wish me luck...hmm...what else...Oh, I went to the gym, did 30 minutes on the stair stepper like I planned. 30 minutes isn't a ton, but the stair stepper really kicks my ass. Is it too much to hope that tomorrow, my weight will be down? I don't think so. But we shall see...won't we?

Later- I just ate dinner. Here's my food intake total for the day-
Breakfast- Egg and Salsa Wrap (205)
Lunch- Coffee, Croutons, Raisins (90 calories.)
Dinner- Faux Chicken w/ Broccoli Cordonbleu (sp?!) (220 calories), Skinny Cow Ice Cream Cone (200)

The Skinny Cow ice cream cone was a little bit of an indulgence, I will admit. I'm over about 27 calories (round up to 50 just in case) but that still makes it a pretty successful day. I did my exercise, I'll do my weights later, and everything I ate was really healthy. So, yay! Let's just hope that I finish out the day well, and I don't eat anything else!
I'm going to go watch House now...SEE YOU LATER!!!

New Day

It's a new day, and I'm still excited! I didn't do my math homework- :D- but I'll get it done in English I guess.I'm actually excited for my lunch detention today, as that gives me a reason for not eating lunch... Anyway, so, this morning I ate a scrambled egg and salsa wrap...but never fear! It wasn't high in calories. The total was approximately 175. If any of you want to copy this recipe, be my guest, because it's very yummy and very healthy. It's just 1 Flatout Light Tortilla Flatbread (90 calories) 1/3 cup egg whites (40 calories) a few soy cheese shreds (10 caloriesish) and 1 tblspn of salsa (4 or 10 calories depending on what brand.) Simply make the eggs, throw it on the tortilla with cheese, nuke it for a few seconds, and then top with salsa- it's awesome and low calorie!
With my coffee my breakfast is equal to approximately 205 calories. Buenoooo...now let's hope that the rest of the day goes according to plan. Good luck in whatever it is you want to do today, ladies!

(BTW- I have formulated a week plan that will hopefully last all week.
Monday- 700 calories, 200-0-500, 30 minutes of exercise directly after school.
Tuesday- 1000 calories, 100-400-500, 60 minutes of exercise directly after school.
Wednesday-1200 calories, 200-500-500, 120 minutes of hiking.
Thursday- 600 calories, (200)-200-200, 30 minutes of exercise directly after school.
Friday- 1000 calories, 0-500-500, Pilates.
Saturday- 1200 calories, 200-400-(100)-500, 3 hours hiking.
Sunday- 1500 calories, 500-500-500, 60 minutes of exercise.

Those numbers are my meal ratio- like, 200 for breakfast, 0 for lunch, 500 for dinner. Anything that's in parenthesis is an optional number. I will have to refer back to this to remind myself of my goals...
I've never really had a weekly plan, so hopefully this will help to keep me on track. I know now what i have to do to maintain my weight- so, look on the bright side, at least I have that out of the way- but I don't want to maintain, I want to LOSEEEE. This plan should help me do just that!
I'm going to put my exercise clothes in my car so I can go right after school, too.
Wish me luck, ladies.

(BTWW- I'm still waiting on Mrs. Uterus. Heh...dumb fucking thing can't even decide when my period comes. Blegh.)

Sunday, October 03, 2010

I'm SOOO EXCITED!

Heeeeyyyy three posts in one day! It must be a record...annyyywayyy
I'm ending the day at 1512 calories, which is BUENO since a for the last few days I've been eating almost 2,000 calories. I did 30 minutes on the elliptical and an hour on the treadmill, so that burned about 500 calories...Well, today was a bueno day, all in all! Tomorrow I am starting my "staggering" diet, so 200 calories for breakfast, nothing for lunch, and 500 calories for dinner...
I'm going to hit the gym after school, but I will only work out for 30 minutes on the stair stepper since I won't be eating much that day.
I can't wait to see the pounds come off...I've lost weight this way before, and I'll do it again! It's going to be absolutely fucking BRILLIANT!!! I'm so fucking thrilled.
My mom wants to put me on birth control. :( I keep telling her that I WILL NOT TAKE BIRTH CONTROL. It will make me gain 10 fucking lbs.! I am NOT going back to 160 lbs.! SHE HAS NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT THAT WOULD DO TO ME. I think that bitch just wants to make me fat. God. Has she fucking seen how hard I've been struggling for YEARS to lose weight? Did she see how miserable I was at 160 lbs? Apparently not, because she wants me to gain it back. The fat bitch. I'd rather have irregular periods than be 160 lbs again.
I'm eating a normal amount today, btw, going to the gym tonight so ja...just had to put that out there.

Rant

This. Is. Fucking. Bullshit.
154 lbs! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCKER FUCK. I've been fucking 154 lbs. for almost a week. I feel like a moo. At first I thought, whatever, it's probably just bloat, but now I'm seriously doubting it. My period hasn't come, and I'm still breaking out, feel like shit, ravenous and 154 lbs. I am cranky and bitchy and depressed and my head is killing me. Fuck you, Eve, for being such a dumb bitch. I hate being a girl. I hate it. I just want to lose weight.
Oh, and this is brilliant. I just read an article about how intermittent fasting is actually good for you and good for weight loss, based on the fact that it mirrors the way our ancestors ate. Our bodies were BUILT for it. Ugh! That's exactly what I fucking thought, but no, I kept reading those damn nutrition sites that said with utmost authority, "Skipping meals is bad, it'll slow down your metabolism, you should eat 2,000 calories a day," blah blah blah blah blah. No. That's fucking shit. Maybe I should do that if I want to maintain my weight (which is what has been happening.) but that is not what I should be doing if I want to lose weight.
Sorry I can't find that article right now, but I'll search for it and put it up as soon as I find it.
Anyway, so I'm going back- sort of. I'm going to stagger my calorie intake, like I was doing, and hopefully the 10 lbs comes off. I'm not starving myself, I'm not fasting, whatever, I'm just doing the "Stair-Step" approach to dieting. Ugh. These lbs. should come off. That's how I lost the first 10 lbs....lawd baby sweet jesus, please make me 140 lbs.
Tomorrow, I'm restarting this thing. I'm going to eat a 200 calorie breakfast, no lunch (I have lunch detention! Booooo!) and then I'm going to eat a 400 calorie dinner. The day after that, I'm eating 1200 calories, and then the day after that...well, I'll decide from there. Wish me luck, guys.

I won't give up. I won't give in. I will lose 10 lbs. I don't care what it takes. I will. I will I will. I will. I refuse to be another number in the "overweight" statistic. I WILL LOSE THIS WEIGHT.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Looking at old pictures of myself, and I can see that I was cute...but I have FO' SHO lost weight. I sometimes need that reminder. And if I look so different after only losing 10-15 lbs, I like to think about how great I'll look when I lose 10 MORE! that's what gets me going. According to my scale, I am 154 lbs. Ugh. I hate my dumb cycle. That's the only way, because I haven't done anything to deserve a 5 lb weight gain. However, I have noticed that there is significantly less fat to pinch on my arms. I was right: even though I wasn't getting immediate results with doing weight lifting, I just had to keep on it and eventually it would work. And it did! I'm lucky.
I have also decided to lower my caloric intake a bit more. I'm not going back to fasting- as you all know, I am choosing health while I still have the choice- but, since it will take a bit more for me to
Lose the weight, I think 1200-1300 calories a day should do the trick. 1500 on the weekends because girl needs a break.


- Posted from the outside world.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Life is Good

I'm due for my cycle. I've been breaking out insanely, I've been having intense cravings, and I've gained 4 lbs over night, and I have turned into mega bitch. Awesome. My weight has remained relatively unchanged for the last month, because I was 150.0 lbs at the beginning of September and 154 before my period, and I'm 150 lbs and 154 for the beginning of my period. Sigh. (I feel sort of better, though, having some sort of reference point, even if I haven't changed much.) I've been doing research, and according to PeerTrainer, if you have already been eating healthy and exercising but want to lose the last 10 lbs., it'll be even more difficult than if you were significantly overweight. Boo! One of the users says that it took up to 3 months for him to start losing weight since he started dieting stricter. Another boo! I guess patience is a virtue, though. I did screw my metabolism over, and then on top of that my body just holds onto weight, so I suppose it'll just take a bit longer for me to lose weight. But still! Booooo! I'll just have to keep doing what I'm doing, and weight loss will come naturally.
I've been eating a lot healthier, too, even from since I was fasting. A 1400 allotted calorie total a day makes a lot of room for me to spread my wings and fill my plate with healthy options, plus a couple of not-so-healthy choices, like that chocolate bar I ate yesterday. Anyway...I got to go, but I'll update later!
Life is good, don't throw it away. Love you all.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Last few days, I've been eating way too much. Not enough to gain a significant amount of weight, but enough to gross myself out. Tomorrow is a new day. Restarting my plan. I will lose 10 lbs by my birthday. I will.


- Posted from the outside world.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Ugh. Bad day.
Boys are so stupid. A bunch of them were giggling about my tits today...it was so humiliating. I was wearing a t-shirt. A LARGE t-shirt. Seriously,..they're so immature.
On top of that, I've been overeating like crazy. I wouldn't say I've been BINGING, but let's just say that I've consumed at least 900 calories over. Ugh. I'm going to have to reaaaaallly watch myself. I really hope that I'm going to start my cycle soon, because that will explain my lack of self control. Stupid girl-ness...
And on top of that, I feel like such an awful person. My overweight friend has been struggling with her weight for longer than I have, with even less success than I. She's 5'7", 186-190 lbs. I love her, but whenever she says "OMG I'VE LOST WEIGHT!" I get a pang of...what? Jealousy? No. I'm not jealous (obviously, she weighs almost 50 lbs more than me.) but it's like...I don't WANT her to succeed, you know? Ugh. I know that sounds awful, but it's the truth. I'm the ugly duckling; I'm the formally awkward turned pretty one. I'm the health-crazed, curvy, sexy, hips and tits and curly hair one, not her! She's the fat awkward one! I know it is so awful and I know I am a bad friend. I feel terrible. I feel a sick sense of pleasure when she says "Ive gained weight..."
I guess I feel that way because, her boyfriend lives in town. She's been dating him for 8 mos and they just recently got to 2nd base. She gets to see him all the time. I never get to see Galen, and I have to sit there and listen to her talk about her bf with an air of superiority because she's "more experienced." So it's easier for me to say, "no. Fuck her. She's fat. She's not better than me."
Mean. But true.

- Posted from the outside world.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Ughhhhhhh. I overate a little bit today...1650 total. :( Ugggghh. I hardly exercised, too. I know, excuses suck, but I just didn't feel like it...at all. I didn't want to drag my ass to the gymn, and it was raining so I couldn't go to the hiking trails. Effffff. I did 30 minutes of walking, but is that enough? Certainly not. Especially after eating 1650. Well, that's not so awful...only 150 over my BMR and 250 over my GCI. I'm going to borrow a bit from my calorie bank for tomorrow and eat 200 calories for breakfast. That'll make me feel better. I'm weighing myself tomorrow again, too, so we'll see how that goes.

Yay! Eating right, exercising, ftw.

I've good news everybody!
I have officially lost 2 lbs since eating right and exercising. :D Yay! Not as quickly as I would hope, but at least now I know it's fat I'm losing, not muscle and water. I gained about 4-2 lbs when I started eating more, and I wanted to give up and go right back to starving, but I said "No. I can choose to be healthy. This weight gain is temporary." And it was. I'm back down to 150.4 and a lot of that is fat. I can't wait until I'm down to 140 lbs.
Good luck, everybody, and good day.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Hi, My Name Is Adelle and I'm Normal.

Well then. I haven't been losing weight so much recently. No, wait, I've been LOSING it, just not...quickly. I'm losing weight relatively slowly as of late. And that is because I've been eating 1400 calories and exercising...a lot. I've gained a lot of muscle, so my "weight loss" isn't going as quickly because, as I'm losing fat, I'm gaining muscle. According to the BFI measure on my scale (which is completely and utterly inaccurate, but at least it's relatively precise) I have lost almost 5% body fat since I started exercising more (about 2 weeks ago.) I gained about 2 lbs. when I started normalizing my eating, but right now, I'm at 151.2 lbs. I wish I would lose weight faster, but I know that right now my metabolism isn't in the best place in the world. I just have to keep trying. I don't really want to go back to starving, fasting, whatever you want to call it. I just don't. I can choose, right now, so my choice is to be healthy. Good luck, ladies, in whatever endeavor you wish to undertake today!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

In response to Ariana- yes, it is like a laxative thing, but it's natural herbs and it doesn't totally screw your body over.
In unrelated news, my mom did let me go to the park after all- I hiked for approximately 1 hour and 20 minutes. It was really nice. I ended yesterday at 1500 calories :( but that's better than a full blown binge. Today, however, I feel like a pig already. I've had two bowls of cereal. TWO! That's like, 340 calories. Ugh...I'm hoping that I can eat a 100 calorie lunch and a 200 calorie dinner, so that maybe I can at least keep my cals below 700 today.
I didn't weigh myself this morning, because I just couldn't bring myself to do it, so I'll have to weigh myself tomorrow. Adios!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Well, yesterday went well. The day ended with me going to the gym and walking for 30 minutes. I wanted to do an hour but...I was just too lazy last night. :D Anyway, today is going...mediocrely. I ate alright in the morning, alright for lunch...my only real downfall was eating Mallow Cups. They are really good but I *gulp* ate FOUR of them! That's 400 calories! WTF!!! Bringing my calorie total so far to 1200. Ugh. Today is an "up" day, though, so that's alright, I guess. I want to go to a local nature park to hike for awhile, but my mom is being weird about it. She seems to think that the nature park here is where all the rapists and killers like hanging out. I just want to freaking hike. But whatever. Let her be a spaz, in a few months I'll be 18 and I'll do whatever I want.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Doing a "cleanse" today. Yesterday I ate 1500 calories. (normal, but still disappoining!) And the day before about 2,000. I'm just grateful I avoided a binge. It makes me absolutely wracked with guilt, I nearly had a panic attack this weekend just thinking about it, but honestly, in retrospect, just like all my other "binges" it really wasn't that awful. So what? It's 1500-2000 calories. That's NORMAL. In fact, it's better for me because it's speeding up my metabolism. Another in fact, I wish I would allow myself to eat like that every day, but whenever I try to I always feel like a moo-cow.
Anyway, back to the "cleanse." Eating only fruits, veggies, and a few almonds. Having 5-7 meals of 100 calories spread throughout the day, plus vitamins and my pill for "cleansing." (gross...) Wish me luck.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Whew. 149.0 lbs. Not great but better than 153.

- Posted from the outside world.

On an unrealated note...don't you guys just hate family sometimes? They have this uncanny ability to make you feel awful. As you all probably know, I've been working very hard not only to lose weight but also to raise my self esteem. I've been trying to stop thinking "I'm fat I'm fat I'm fat." Well, the other day at dinner, my mom decides to bring up the subject of me getting a personal trainer. And then my brother had to jump in. And his girlfriend. I felt like they were talking to me like I was 200 lbs and they were concerned for my health. This coming from my mom, who is 200 lbs. herself. And then his girlfriend, who is actually very sweet, starts giving me dieting tips. Really? I know all of the facts, sweet heart. I have FORGOTTEN more about nutrition than you know. If they knew how I've been losing weight, they wouldn't be saying this to me. Oh, I don't think so.
And then my mother has the audacity to say, "She was always so slim! And then she was in a car accident..." I mean COME ON. I'm sorry I'm not 113 lbs. any more, mom. I'm sorry that I have brought great shame to the family. I'm sorry I'm not skinny, I'm sorry that I got fucking brain damage, I'm sorry that I have hypothyroidism, and I'm sorry I'm not your perfect size 2 little girl any more. I'm sorry I'm not constantly starving myself like my best friend. My mom always groups me with her, always says stuff like "LOL SHE HARDLY EATS ANYTHING LOL WE WOULD NEVAR DO THAT RIGHT?!" like we're both bbw's or something. Fuck that. She's 50 lbs. over weight. I'm 5 lbs. over weight.
So I've decided that I will NOT talk to my mom about my weight any more. I'm going to act like I'm a size fucking 0. She probably won't stop treating me like I'm 200 lbs. like her, but you know what, fuck that. I don't care.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Well, I've done well so far today. I ate a banana for breakfast, a veggie burger for lunch, and 12 pita chips for dinner. 620 calories. Yay! Hopefully, I won't lose control...I don't think I will, I actually don't have much of an appetite today. I lifted my weights already, so that's good...didn't really stick to ALL the rules I set, but it's a start. :( this update isn't very exciting...sorry.

Thursday, September 09, 2010

Hi, My Name Is Adelle and I'm Horrible.

I've forgotten my goals. I've forgotten how hard I worked to get to 150 lbs. I've forgotten how good I felt when I was fasting.
I have failed.
I've used my period and my "metabolism" as an excuse to eat like a pig. And where has that gotten me? Three pounds gained. 153 lbs, on my stomach. I've turned into a cow. Galen likes me, but he won't like me if I GAIN weight. If I gain 10 lbs., he won't be able to appreciate my curves because my FAT will cover them up! I look pregnant, I look gross. I need to get back to my lifestyle. I need to break out of these bad habits. So, a few rules for me to get back.
1) Eat a very small breakfast. (200 calories at most.)
2) No no no lunch.
3) Dinner is your only "normal" meal, but still keep it VERY healthy.
4) No excuses for pigging out.
5) Take Vyvanse every morning (For ADD and Depression, keeps my appetite low.)
6) Do weights every day, but exercise for 30 min-1 hour every other day (bike, gym, yoga, walking, etc.)
7) Servings should be under 100 calories so you get a variety.

All of these rules are rules I've followed in the past, but I needed to restate them. I already ate my bowl of oatmeal (130 calories) and my coffee (30 cals) this morning, and I'm already feeling so much better about myself. I don't feel like a pig who can't stop stuffing her face! Sigh. Okay, well, we'll see how the rest of the day goes.
Let's erase our mistakes, forget about our downfalls, remember our goals, and write our future.

Sunday, September 05, 2010

Ugh, I feel weak...probably ate about 1500 calories today, which is TOTALLY normal.
It makes me feel better when I over-eat to remember that over-eating, to me, is normal eating for everybody else.
Seriously, when I overeat, I eat about 1500-2000 calories. That doesn't lead to weight gain...
I have to keep remembering that I need balance. Balance, balance, balance! Sigh...

Saturday, September 04, 2010

Yay! I'm feeling good. Yesterday, I ate a few cookies, which were not part of my plan...I just couldn't resist those cookies! But this morning, I weighed in at 149.4 lbs. :) So I've lost almost all the water weight I had gained from over eating a week ago.
I can't wait to get down to at least 145 lbs. Goal weight number one is so close!
And if you're wondering, Galen is doing awesomely. ;D He likes me...a lot.

Thursday, September 02, 2010

:D

Ate 1500 calories today, after eating about 1200 calories yesterday. I planned this, don't worry. I'm hoping it'll help speed up my weight loss, because when I was doing this before, I was losing weight really fast.
I'm still sticking by what I said before, though. My new goal weight is 145, maybe 140. Maybe. We'll see what happens. But I don't want to lose too much weight. I don't want to lose my curves...I don't know, I just think that everybody is beautiful in their own way, and I happen to be a little curvier... does that make sense? Yeah, it does. It does make sense.
Anyway, tomorrow I'm eating 500 calories. I know I'll be able to do it because, I just started up on Vyvanse again, and as you guys know, that totally kills my appetite. (Heh, I always eat like 800 calories when I plan on eating 500 calories...whatever! I do what I want!)

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Ending my day at 700 calories. More than I wanted, but still good. I ate Vegetable Lasagna for dinner. *sigh* And then, on top of that, peanut butter crackers. Ugh! But I could control myself. 700 calories isn't awful.
What I really need to keep remembering is that I NEED BALANCE. I can't either eat too much or eat only crackers. I need small meals, but still meals. I need BALANCE. Sigh. I'm trying.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Ugh! Why do I have to be a failure?
Why did I have to eat that pasta? It was only a few bites but...still. That brings my calorie total up to 1000 calories today.
Fuck. Whatever. I'm eating under 1000 calories tomorrow, too.
I must be 145 soon. Please Jesus. :(



- Posted from the outside world.
I don't know how I ever thought I could move away from this and not count calories, eating below 1000 calories a day. I don't know, I thought maybe that if I ate more I could speed up my metabolism or something? Whatever...I can't. I'm going back to each serving of something being below 100 calories, and eating less than 1000 calories a day. HOpefully I won't binge tomorrow! Wish me luck

Eating 600 calories today to make up for my mistakes this weekend. Wish me luck, everybody.
Ariana- thank you for your offer, but I have to pass. The ABC diet is a little too ridiculous for me.

I gained 4 lbs magically. Sigh. I know it's just water weight, but it's so disappointing. I can't stand seeing a weight gain.
"Fasting" today, probably tomorrow too. Maybe tomorrow I can do a liquid fast?
(I tried to eat normally and ne'er fast again, but I knew I couldn't stay away for long. :| )

- Posted from the outside world.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Been eating a little too much this weekend. I ate about 1500 calories already today...I'm going to end it at about 2000 I think. Sigh. Not what I would be happy with, but alright. If I can exercise, that'll be fine.
I've been doing a lot of thinking, mostly about Galen. I really think I'm going to try to eat normally and just exercise more. Galen really likes my body...I mean he thinks I'm gorgeous. Even though I weigh 150 lbs. In fact, he likes that...kissing him, he keeps grabbing on to me like he wants to absorb me into him. I don't know...I really want to be fitter, but I don't want to be thin. I don't think so. I'll stay at 145 lbs...maybe 140. We'll see where I settle. But I'm not going to force my body to weigh less than is natural. Does that seem odd? Does that seem like "OMG WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BE FAT." But I don't think I'm fat. Not even at 150 lbs., I don't think so. I think I'm a little larger than is healthy, but fat? No, no. Yes, the occasional photograph makes me feel fat, but you know, I'm alright. Not everybody thinks thin is attractive...yeah, some people do, but some people think a little extra is hot, too. It's really just everybody's preferences.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Sigh. I don't know what to do.
I'm at 150 lbs. My plan, thusfar, hasn't worked. On top of that, for the last few days, Galen has been acting...disinterested. He's six hours away in college, so I'm sure that he's busy, but nonetheless...it's not the best thing in the world. My body is okay...I'm not fat, but I would still like to lose weight. I still want to be 145 lbs! But, I have to remember my health, my sanity, my fitness...and I have to stay on this. Sigh. :\ Help.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

We

Well, after analyzing my eating habits intently, I think that I should try eating more normally- because I've fallen into this habit of fasting, and then eating junk food, and fasting...I'm going to try to eat 1200-1500 calories a day with 30 minutes to an hour of exercise, and one or maybe two days of fasting in the week. Sound good? I'm sort of terrified I'll gain weight, but it's better than fucking up my metabolism!
It's occured to me also that my exercise habits haven't been up to par. Ja, I have been doing SOME exercising, but have I been doing yoga every day? 30 minutes of cardio, and weight lifting? Not exactly. I still haven't quite gotten back into the groove since my surgeries, even though it's been more than a month later. So, I'm also going to try exercising more. Will this new plan help my metabolism and make me lose weight faster? Maybe. We'll see.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

I have hit another goal weight!
148.0 lbs. as of this morning!
Yesterday, I ended the day at about 700 calories, but I stayed up until 1 talking to Galen. For some reason, whenever I stay up late, I always get the munchies in the middle of the night. Last night, I had a bit of a mini-binge: it wasn't a real binge, but if I didn't force myself to STOP it would have probably blown into one. I ate granola (120) milk (30) and cookies (100) Not so bad, eh? So my day ended at about 900 calories. Okay, fine. I exercised a bit yesterday, but not as much as I would have preferred, so I wasn't expecting any weight loss. Finally, I broke through my plateu and hit 148.0! I was hoping to be 145 by tomorrow, but you can't always get what you want, right? I'm just glad to be in the 140's again. I remember the last time I was 140- it was about three years ago, after I was released from the hospital and was recovering from a nasty bout of C-diff and related anorexia (not the nervosa variety.) I was 113, 120, 130, 140- and I just couldn't stop the weight gain. Eventually I hit 161 and I tried even harder not to gain weight- which failed. Anyway, ever since then I've been struggling to lose it all, and finally I am! Yaysies! What I really need to start focusing more on is my percent body fat. Right now it's like, 35% which is GROSS. I need to work out more!

I can't see Galen again until Christmas break. :C

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Thanks to everybody who commented on my last post. :D

About my date last night...let's just say that it went very well. I learned a pretty important lesson last night, that being that a man is just excited to be with the girl he likes, and he doesn't notice any of the things we do. Galen didn't seem to give a damn that I wasn't 105 lbs.- in fact, he thought I was the best thing in the whole world.
We think "OMFG I'm so fat holy shit I have so many fat rolls this is really nice but Idon'tknowifhelikesitmaybeI'mtoofatomglookatmythighshe'stouchingmyleghethinksmylegisfatomgomgomgomgomg
omgomgomgomg."
They think "HOLY SHIT I'M TOUCHING A GIRL."

Anyway, yesterday was alright...I didn't restrict down to 600 calories like planned. At the end of the day, I ate upwards of 2,000 calories. What is it about boys that makes us want to be so hedonistic? I don't know...I ate a Veggie Cheesburger (yum!) with avocado, and later powdered doughnuts while I was sitting in my bedroom at midnight with Kennedy. D: Whatever...I'm going to eat 600 calories today, so I'll make up for it.
149.0 lbs. this morning.

Friday, August 20, 2010

GALEN! u

148.8 lbs. :) I ate a damn fucking cupcake last night at 1 in the morning- so, technically it was my breakfast. About 200 calories. I'm going to eat 200 calories for lunch and 200 calories for dinner and that's it- 600 calories for the day.
Sometimes I wonder why I'm doing this. I'm not wannarexic- I don't want an eating disorder, I don't HAVE an eating disorder. I just want to lose weight, be pure, pretty, and have control. I guess that sounds funny, almost anorexic, but...I look into my past and I see all the mistakes I made, how many times I lost control, how long it took me to lose even one pound and I don't want to go back to that at all.
I didn't do yoga last night. I stayed up until 1:00 talking to the G-Man, so I was totally shattered and couldn't wait to fall asleep. <3 that boy.
Going out with him today, if you forgot. He seems to really like me, he keeps telling Ian how awesome I am. :D I'm so friggin happy.
It's really surreal. He asked me last night, "What do you think this is? Just friends or what?" And, me being a genius, answered "Well, I'm assuming that it's a date." (Since I knew that he holds me at such a high esteem.) He said, "Oh, good, that's what I assumed too, but I just didn't want to be weird." And he was so excited! That's so fucking weird. Somebody actually LIKES me? He's seen me, he knows what I look like and he's seen my body and he's seen me eat, and yet he still wants to date me. And if he wants to date me, then that means he's thought about me, he's thought about holding my hand, kissing me, hugging me.
I'm sort of freaking out right now. This goes against everything I believe- Body Dysmorphia has been like a religion to me, just as anorexia is like a religion to some anoretics. Touching and kissing and having somebody think you're great is STRICTLY AGAINST RELIGIOUS LAW when it comes to BDD. And yet, here I am, going on a date with a boy. : / It's a good thing I'm "recovered" from BDD. (I put recovered in quotes because, just like with any psychological disorder, you can never truly be recovered. It's always with you.) I don't know if I could have handled this just three months ago.
Wish me luck, ladies. And have a day as beautiful as yourselves.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

W

Well, I did pretty well today, considering I usually can't restrict my eating for two days at a time. Today, I didn't restrict THAT much (My total was about 800 cals for the day) but, I'm sure that I'll have lost some weight by tomorrow, especially if I do yoga before bed like I plan! So...ja. I've been feeding these cupcakes to everybody, and there are only three left...I hope I don't eat one tonight. They are so tempting. I don't know why I'm craving one so badly all of a sudden! Ugh.
Well, I'm 149.2 lbs. -_- I'm hoping to drop that number tomorrow. I wanted so badly to be 145 by Friday, but I guess that's just not going to happen for me. :< Oh well. I ate alright yesterday, and so far, today, I'm eating alright too. I think that if I exercise tonight (bike and yoga + weights...I haven't been exercising in a couple of days, you know, the friends blah blah blah) I should be 148. something by then. Anyway, I started out today with a egg sandwich. It sounds bad, but it's not...
2 slices light bread (90 calories)
1 egg (70)
Ketchup (15)
That's it. Along with the pretzels I ate last night (100 calorie pack, no fat. :D) My daily calorie intake thus far is 275. Meh. That's ALL RIGHT I guess.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

"In the body, as in sculpture, perfection is attained not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away."

This is a lie. Don't believe this for a moment, ladies. Perfection is impossible.
Perfection is a lie.
Perfection is miserable.
Nobody can be perfect, but I believe that you are all beautiful just the way you are. Perfect? No. Perfect is disgusting. Beautiful? Yes. Beauty is in every single one of us.
Do what you want with your body, and I will do what I want with mine. But remember, you're beautiful and perfectly imperfect just the way you fucking are.
I hate my life.
151 lbs.

- Posted from the outside world.

Later-
Sigh. 151. I hate that god damn number! Did I somehow magically gain two lbs. over night? How? Why? I used the restroom before I weighed myself...maybe I'm retaining water? UGH. WHATEVER. THIS IS GHEY.
This morning, for breakfast, I ate-
1 light honey wheat bread slice (45 calories)
Walden Farms Apple Butter (0 calories)
Glass of water (0 calories.)

I'm not going to eat lunch, but I'll have to eat dinner. Wish me luck, ladies.

(Thanks to Ariana for your comment. You're right, it was healthy, but I guess I retained some water weight. : /)

(P.S.- I remember when 151 was good. I remember when I was like "If I only I was 150 lbs., I'd be happier. And then I could be 141, and 131.
But 151 is just a fat number to me now.)

Later...again...
Oh damn. I found the left over sushi from last night. And now I'm eating it. Of course.
I can't stand wasting food. It's only four rolls...I don't think that's a problem...is it? Four avocado rolls isn't awful, right? I can't throw it away. I just can't.

The cupcakes are still sitting there. And the icing. I don't want it.
Don't.
Want.
It.
I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't.
I don't want it.
The only reason my body is telling me I want it is because it's sugar! Fat and sugar. Fat and sugar. My body LIKES fat and sugar. Everyones does. It's in our biology. But guess what? I'm not going to eat it. Because I don't need it. I don't need it. I don't. I already ate sushi and toast. I'm not hungry. I don't need it.

Later-
Okay, this post is confusing. Anyway! I'm doing better. I did really well today, actually! I ate a teensy bit of the icing- 1 teaspoon- and then I STOPPED. I'm so proud of myself! I stopped. No more icing! I didn't eat a cupcake- I don't even want one any more. I realized through the day that I don't NEED the cupcake. I don't. Once I get over the initial want for the sugar and fat, I really don't want it any more. I ate a chocolate granola bar for lunch (140 calories- I needed something chocolatey!) and then, for dinner (we went to an all you can eat buffet) I ate-
1/4 cup rice noodles
5 pieces of broccoli
2 pieces of sushi
1/2 cup jello
9 grapes
3 mandarin orange slices
3 peach slices
3 pineapple chunks.

My estimates are about 600 calories all in all.
:D Let's see what the scale says tomorrow...

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Shit. Cupcakes.


- Posted from the outside world.

Today was suckish. I ate 1200 calories...which is okay...but...it's dissapointing because I'm supposed to be fasting! Agh! I didn't follow my diet plan at ALL today. Why does it seem that I can only control my diet for 1 day at a time? I guess, eventually that will change. I guess it's okay, in a way, to eat a little more one day. Sort of like the alternate day diet? I'm trying to justify cheating a bit.
Innywho, tomorrow is a new day. Maybe I'll have lost weight, you never know! :D
Tomorrow I'm getting back on track with my diet. I guess I just need a one day break so that I don't totally binge. Which is NOT something I want.
I see that as a pattern in my eating. I eat healthy a lot of the time, but I fast on alternate days. I guess that's okay...except for when I want to follow a particular plan for a week! Then it's suckish!
As I said, though, tomorrow is a new day. Here's what I ate today...
1 bowl of cereal w/ soy milk- 155 calories.
Protein bar- 170 cals.
4 pieces of avocado roll- 246 calories
Soup- 50 calories.
GeniSoy crips- 200 calories (I love those things...90 calories for ten. I ate 20. :(
Grilled Cheese (My friend made it for me. With soy cheese and tomatos!) 215 calories.
Cupcake (Damn I can't resist them!) 200 calories.
So a bit over 1200 calories. A relatively normal and healthy day. So, not so bad! Besides the cupcake.
Tomorrow, I'm going back to my fast. Maybe this will actually help my weight loss!
Sigh. Weight this morning? 149.4. Same as two days ago. :( It's okay, this happens to me sometimes. I have a mini plateau for like, three days and then I get right back to losing weight. I guess it's just my metabolism. I'm going to eat 1000 calories today and I'm going to try to fit some exercise in, so we'll see what my weight is tomorrow.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Hi every one! My fastish thing is going well. I had 1 apple, .5 cup of coffee, salad with .5 tblspn of ranch for lunch, .75 of an airhead, an apple harvest salad with a veggie pattie and a few pieces of broccoli. Awesome! I slipped up a TEENSY bit, but I didn't binge or anything. So I would say today went pretty well.
I spent six hours walking around the water park and standing in lines, so I burned a lot of calories. I want to Do some yoga, but right now I'm still with Ian and K, so I really can't.
At the park, my friend and I got matching fairy necklaces. It represents our friendship, but partly, for me, it represents strength during a fast and connecting with your body. K is thin, As you know, and I don't want to be thin like her, but she sort of reminds me that we both have some problems with our bodies to solve.
I also discovered this tea. It's chocolate flavored, and it has a laxative effect, so it's doubly awesome! Only 2 calories for a cup, and it's not totally chocolatey, but it has an awesome flavour to it. Find it at HEB.


- Posted from the outside world.

Decided to stay up all night to night. I'
Thanks to all my commenters for your great comments! Thanks to Ariana for your consistent comments (It's so weird that we're the same weight! Que interesante, ?si?)
Thanks to dot for your tip. I'll definitely try that!
Thanks to anybody else for your comments, they mean a lot to me.
Now, today, I weighed myself and I weighed 151 lbs. :(
I'm really hoping that it's water weight. I would be SO disappointed in myself if I gained fat.
Anyway, I'm hoping that by Friday I will have dropped a few pounds. Laxies. Fasting. Drinking tons of water so I'll lose water weight. Anything to be 145 by Friday. Can I do it? Let's see.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Sigh. My premonition came true. I feel like a pig now. How could I eat this much food? I was planning on doing a water fast today...it was going to be awesome seeing the scale go down tomorrow. I could have hit my next goal weight. :(
Sigh...
1) I can't change the past.
2) I didn't binge, I didn't even over eat by much.
3) I can exercise on my bike tonight and burn off a lot of water weight, so maybe I'll weigh less tomorrow.
4) I can take laxatives, another reason I can still weigh less.
5) This helps boost my metabolism so the next time I fast, I'll see more immediate results.
6) Every body makes mistakes...

Well, I've decided to make up a week long diet for me to follow before my date on friday (Yes, ladies, I'm going out with Galen with Kennedy and Ian. :D I have to look awesome.) Here are a few rules!
1- Breakfast is one apple and coffee at 7:00 am, followed by 30 of bike riding, walking, or yoga.
2- Lunch is any salad (I'm going to go out a lot this week, I know that I won't be able to eat an apple for lunch.) with 1 tpsn dressing.
3- Dinner is the same as lunch, or 1 cup of veggies if at home.

Hopefully I'll be able to do this and stay strong. I CAN'T be flexible about this. I can't say "Well, I'll eat a piece of candy..." or whatever. I don't care. I have to stay strong. I want to be 145 by the time school starts.
Shit. Shit. I'm overeating. Damn damn damn.
Today, I couldn't do my fluids fast because I realized, with horror, that I couldn't sit there sipping iced tea while Ian and Kai ate food. I just couldn't. So, I decided that I would eat.
I did okay all morning, Until we went to a Mexican restaurant and...I got Huevos Rancheros. I was going to just eat the eggs and salsa but...Ian said to me "Eat, it's fine. Eat." Why did I listen to him? Ugh! And then we went over to get ice cream and now it's gotten way. Out. Of. Hand! Ugh.


- Posted from the outside world.

Okay. *breathes* By my calculations, I didn't do TERRIBLY. It felt like I was binging, but it really was just plain old eating! Maybe a bit too much candy, maybe a little more than I would like, but frankly, it wasn't a binge. I'm okay. And, frankly, the metabolism needs that boost. So, really, I'm okay.
Too me, it feels like a binge. If I didn't sit down and think about it responsibly, I probably would have lost total control and I would have eaten a ridiculous amount of food. Maybe 3000 calories or 5000 calories. That would have sucked! I'm glad I sat down, added it up, and really thought about it hard before that happened. Because right now, my calorie total is looking more normal, which is good for my metabolism and my spirits. Of course, I will still feel like a total pig. Of course, tomorrow, I will still obsess over the numbers and bite my lip. But, it's not as bad as it could be.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Another post!

Another post! I got back from the movies about two hours ago and had a lot of fun. I met this guy named Galen…got his number from Ian, our mutual friend. I’m hoping I didn’t totally terrify him. Guess what? He’s a freshmen in college. :3 he’s so awesome. Anyway…as soon as Ian saw me, he puts his hand on my waist and says, “OMG…LOOK AT YOU! YOU LOOK INCREDIBLE!” I was thrilled! He even said to his other friend, “Look at how thin she looks!” It was absolutely incredible. I about passed out. If I look so lovely at this weight, how much better I will look when I’m at my goal weight?
In other, somewhat related news, I want pizza so badly right now…I’m craving it so much. And not South Beach Diet pizza, real pizza.. (Well, about as real as it get’s outside of Italy or NY!)

P.S. So, I just ordered a pizza with roma tomatos and olives. Small, of course. Maybe it’s not exactly diet friendly, but I’m taking a page out of Misses Eat, Pray, Love’s book and enjoying it. I want it. I’ll have it.
I’ve done a lot of thinking about what’s happening tomorrow and I’ve decided that tomorrow will be a good day for a liquid fast. I’m going to Ian’s house, but I’m sure he won’t be trying to shove food down my throat, since his girlfriend doesn’t eat much. I’m excited for it! I haven’t done a liquid-only fast in a while, so it’ll feel really good. See you all later!

Comments are awesome!

First off, allow me to say Thank You! to all of my FOUR followers and their awesome comments. And second of all, I went to see Eat, Pray, Love last night and let me say that it was AWESOME. You really all should go see it, it's a beautiful movie. (Phillipe is really hot, spoiler alert. I've decided to marry him.)
Now, I weighed myself this morning and *drumroll* I weigh 149 lbs! Yes! I'm so close to the normal weight range I can TASTE it. Not really...that would be weird. O.O
My BMI is 25.1 right now, and normal is 18- 24.7. When I get to 147 I will be "normal."
My psych wants me to stop at 144 lbs, but I just don't get that. It's not like I'm 104 lbs. or anything. Whatever.
I got a lot of awesome clothes yesterday, at the best consignment shop in the world. They are great, but the label still reads "large" or "10." But I can fit into those sizes comfortably, unlike before. (size large and 10 were close fits for me. I could wear them, but it was really close...sort of uncomfortable having things fit me that way.) So, it's not "extra large" or "14." (ugh.) Someday, I won't be a size 10; I'll be healthier, size 8 or 6. I don't want to be a size 0, 2, or even 3...I just want to be healthy.

(Oh, and my mother was around this morning, and she always likes me to eat breakfast- of course, breakfast is the most important meal of the day- so I just ate 1/2 cup of cheerios (66 cals) 1/4 cup of soy milk (20 cals) and five almonds (25 calories.) Sort of ruined the "no food before 3 pm" thing but...oh well. What can I do? I lost weight, too, so that's a bonus.

P.S. I just remembered that I'm planning on going to the movies today with a bunch of people. Damn. Today was not a good .5 fasting day. Oh well! I'm going to go with a 1,000 calorie day instead. :3 Flexibility is the key to happiness, ladies.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Two posts, one day.

Damn, two posts in one day.
I just saw a bit about "Eat, Love, Pray," and the author said that she put on 30 lbs. while in Italy. She said something along the lines of, "It wasn't about binging. It was about enjoying myself, being perfectly happy with myself, and becoming one with happiness."
That's lovely, and I hope that all of you can have a small sense of that even if you don't put on 30 lbs. But by the same logic, can't that be applied to fasting? Extended fasting- beyond the norm- is of course, anorexia nervosa and no good. But, for example, what I'm doing, should be considered, not about starving, but about enjoying my body, being free from food, and becoming one with happiness, as well. At least, that's how I see it. When I eat less, I feel better. I feel clean, pure, beautiful, and in control. And, of course, some days I eat or over-eat; but shouldn't it be accepted that sometimes, I just have to eat less? When are people always so excepting of bingers, and then frown at fasters? It doesn't make much sense. Anyway, whatever. I'm doing half a day fast tomorrow (as in, I'm not eating anything at all until 3 pm, and my snack/dinner is going to be low in calories. So far, today is going well. I feel nice. I'm hungry, but I know that part of that is my body cleaning itself out (:D)

Six W's; Work will win when wishing won't.

I don't know what I'm going to do today. Yesterday was alright, but I'm sort of disappointed in the calorie total. Today, I woke up at 3:00 (like I do almost every morning) and ate a fiber fit bar (110 calories.) I really don't know WHY I ate that. I wasn't even really hungry. I guess I thought it would be fine since it was only 110 calories, but still...eep! So, today will have to be a 500 calorie day.
Breakfast-
Hard boiled egg (70)
Toast (90)
Lunch-
Apple Harvest Salad (115 calories)
Dinner-
Something below 150

Plus the granola bar I just ate, that comes out to about 535 calories.
I weighed myself this morning, and I weighed 151 again. :( I know it's not REAL weight, of course, because I would have to eat a lot more than 1500 calories to gain a pound in one day, but it was still disappointing to see the number go up. It's the weight of the food I ate yesterday and have yet to fully digest. (Hullo laxies! We meet again.) Sorry to be gross, I know you don't want to hear about that.
I'm kind of sort of proud of my body. Not because it's TOTALLY HAWT or anything like that, but simply because of how hard it's working. I'm already recovered from my operation, 2 weeks later, and I've lost 13 lbs. to boot. My hips are still a little lumpy, and my stomach still has too much fat on it, and don't get my started on the cellulite (ew.) but it's better than it used to be, and even at it's worst point, it was still pretty average (for the normal, size 12-10 american woman.)
Everything that is still a little funny about my body can be fixed with some weight loss. Sometimes I'm really hard on it, but then I come back to reality and I realize that it's really, really not that bad.
And then sometimes, my mother will say something like "sometimes you look like you're pregnant!" (yes. She actually said this, a couple of days ago to be exact.) That can be fixed with posture and weight loss. I have the tendency to stand with my pelvis rotated inward (I broke my pelvis in eight places, it does weird stuff sometimes) which results in a little bit of an exaggerated stomach. But if I stand with my pelvis rotated outward a bit (meaning backwards, straightening my spinal column), it has the opposite effect. So, basically, proper posture. (And anyway, who is she to talk? She's 200 lbs. You want to talk to me about looking chubby? I love her to death, but I really don't think she should be critisizing ME.)
Anyway, hopefully, after taking this laxitive and eating 535 calories today, I hope I will be able to get below 150 by tomorrow. Can I do it? We shall see.

Later- I was reading "Love, Veggies, and Yoga" (New blog, must follow if you love health and yoga!) and I stumbled across this quote-
"Scott's (comfort food) would be white potatoes, my mother's would be cookies, and mine would be super hot coffee. Not really a "food" but it does comfort me!"
That really hit home, because that encapsulates the idea of this blog. Why need FOOD to comfort you. I think it's a much healthier coping mechanism to comfort yourself with a walk, or super hot coffee. I'm getting better at doing that. It's not because we're WEAK, it's simply because of evolution- it's in our biology to want simple carbs and sugars, and those things make us feel better. But, I believe that every one of us has the ability to over come these primitive desires and use our BRAINS to figure out a different way to comfort ourselves.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Well, I believe that at the end of the day today, my net caloric intake will come to about 1100 calories. :/ I've been hanging out with K, who is a recovered anoretic. I don't want her to relapse, so I always feed her healthy foods when she's around, and do easy work outs with her. So, I've eaten about 1500 calories today and burned maybe 400. Well, that's alright, I suppose. Everything I ate today was healthy- eggs and toast, salad and legume soup, and for dinner I'm having shrimp and scallops with veggies and soy sauce (Wok on Wheels! Yeah!)

@Saphira and new low weight.

I've been thinking about Saphira's recent blog post about "intuitive eating" and it's inspired me to write my own blog post about that.
Saphira is so right about this- actually, this is something that his been around quite a bit in the nutrition circle. However, SOME people's "intuition" is a little off, leading them to eat less food even if they were hungry. So, a decreased appetite, basically. I don't think this is an eating disorder necessarily, but just a different survival instinct- our mind knows that if we were in the wild, we wouldn't be able to eat as much as we are. If we have a little extra, our bodies know that there's no worry about our life- we have enough to live off of. Our bodies also know what it needs and what it doesn't need- whether our stomach is empty or not. We've been brain washed into believing that we should "never allow ourselves to get hungry" and we "should be eating 2,000 calories a day" but this just isn't true for all.
(P.S.- there's a difference between this and an eating disorder. I believe that I have the former, not an eating disorder. My body knows that it has extra fat and it wants to get rid of it and build muscle- and it also knows that I don't need 2,000 calories a day to do that.)

Okay, enough of that. Yesterday I ate about 330 calories, and today, I think I'll be eating about 500 calories. Maybe 700. We'll see what happens.
I pulled of the bandage on my left side a little early and pulled the incision open a bit. That's such a shame, because I've finally been feeling well enough to do yoga. Oh well. I'm going to do yoga today, and if my guts fall out, then I'll just stuff them back in and wear a tight fitting t-shirt to hold them in.

Later-
YES! Omg. I'm so happy! I've just weighed myself and guess what? 150 lbs.! New low weight! And that was after drinking coffee, PLUS I've been lifting weights- so tomorrow, I very well may be 149. Yes! Okay. Sorry. I'm being such a spaz right now but I'm so excited!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Fast today is going well. :3 I ate 4 almonds a little bit ago...because I was craving some. But it sort of ruined the fruits and veggies fast thing. I also had gorgonzola (1 tbspn) on my salad at lunch (my mom and I ate out). It was good, but also breached the rule. Well, at least I didn't binge...and it was only 60 calories total for the things that weren't fruits and veggies. I WAS going to have 1 small apple for breakfast, 1 small apple for snack, 1 large apple for lunch, and carrots for dinner, but it didn't quite work out perfectly. Sigh. Oh well. It's not as though I ate chocolate cake or anything.
I'm still awaiting my cycle. It seems to have disappeared on me...at least I'm not having cravings any more. Cravings ruin everything! Boo. :(

Later...
Ate another salad for dinner, 1 tbsn blue cheese, lettuce, apples, and light dressing. It was wonderful.
Later on tonight, I'm going to do a cardio burn yoga workout with my friend. (hopefully) Sorry, so boring, but hey...

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I am so fat...Jesus, it grosses me out just how fat I am. I didn't even realize that I was like this. But now, it's like...I see the fat on my body. Even when I look at my forearms, I can see excess fat...I wish it would just go away. As neurotic as it is, I'm certain that I gained at least 5 pounds from eating more than usual for two days. I've eaten about 1,000 calories today, which is so much better. But one day of 1,000 calories isn't going to make me lose all of this fat. My cravings have gone down significantly, lucky for me, but I'm still so dissapointed. 1700 calories for the last two days, probably. Ech. That's way too much...But! I will weigh myself soon, so we'll see the damage.
I can lose this weight. I can, I can, I can. *breathes*