Crocheting. :)
I'm giving myself up to this yearning.
I'm giving myself up to this.
This this burning desire inside of me, this voice that is me but is not quite me, that I've been struggling with.
Forcing it down.
Over eating, like a pig, just to prove that I won't listen.
But I'm giving myself up. To it, to her, to whatever it is.
I'm not unhappy with this epiphany. It actually makes me very happy. It comforts me. it makes me feel good, knowing that soon My body will be different. My body will be the way I want it to be.
My body, and my mind.
My mind, my eating disorder.
My control.
My happiness.
My comfort.
I've been working on a book for the last few days. I've been gluing inspiring pictures into a blank notebook and excercises. Things like yoga, pilates, stuff like that. :D
Part of me wishes I never went down this road. Part of me wishes I'd never stumbled across 'pro-ana' sites. I was young. I was stupid.
but at the same time, I'm glad I did.
More crocheting. (making a baby blanket for my sister in law. It's a girl!)
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Monday, June 11, 2012
137.5
Your Score- 74%
65-75% There is strong evidence of an eating disorder. You may be suffering from full-blown bulimia, or you may be in the midst of anorexia. Your answers indicate a high risk for further medical and psychological complications. Please seek a full medical evalutation immediately; counselling is also highly recommended. Your health may be significantly at risk.
I am 137.5 lbs. 10 lbs. to goal weight. Honestly, I know in my heart that I will probably not be happy at this weight. I always dreamt of being under 140 lbs. Now that I am it doesn't even matter.
I'm still fat.
65-75% There is strong evidence of an eating disorder. You may be suffering from full-blown bulimia, or you may be in the midst of anorexia. Your answers indicate a high risk for further medical and psychological complications. Please seek a full medical evalutation immediately; counselling is also highly recommended. Your health may be significantly at risk.
I am 137.5 lbs. 10 lbs. to goal weight. Honestly, I know in my heart that I will probably not be happy at this weight. I always dreamt of being under 140 lbs. Now that I am it doesn't even matter.
I'm still fat.
Friday, June 08, 2012
Getting
All I need is to get back on track. :)
I've been bingeing like a pig for the last few days. I used my period as an excuse.
But all I need is to get back on track and I'll start properly losing weight again.
I don't even want to say how much I weighed this morning.
I'm re-starting my eating plan though. (More on that later.)
I've been bingeing like a pig for the last few days. I used my period as an excuse.
But all I need is to get back on track and I'll start properly losing weight again.
I don't even want to say how much I weighed this morning.
I'm re-starting my eating plan though. (More on that later.)
Thursday, June 07, 2012
Thursday, May 31, 2012
I'm 140 lbs.
This is the least I've weighed in years.
But I don't know if I'm quite happy.
I must be attractive, though, still. Almost every single one of the guys I hang out with want the same thing from me. They are always touching me, putting their arms around me, persuading me to move closer to them- and it used to be, I would sleep with them no problem. I racked up 18 sexual partners in fewer months, so I thought- that's the only reason they touch me, that's the only reason they like me- they know I'm easy. But I haven't had sex in two months (a long while for me, ha.) and am COMPLETELY dead set on maintaining my celibacy until I genuinely get into a relationship. And I tell them that. I tell every single one of the fucking guys, and I tell them how serious I am about it. But still- they're always nudging me, always trying to hold my hand, or kiss me, or hug me, or fuck me.
Assholes.
Anyway, I have been eating way too much recently. I'm shocked I haven't gained all the 25 lbs. back and more.
This is the least I've weighed in years.
But I don't know if I'm quite happy.
I must be attractive, though, still. Almost every single one of the guys I hang out with want the same thing from me. They are always touching me, putting their arms around me, persuading me to move closer to them- and it used to be, I would sleep with them no problem. I racked up 18 sexual partners in fewer months, so I thought- that's the only reason they touch me, that's the only reason they like me- they know I'm easy. But I haven't had sex in two months (a long while for me, ha.) and am COMPLETELY dead set on maintaining my celibacy until I genuinely get into a relationship. And I tell them that. I tell every single one of the fucking guys, and I tell them how serious I am about it. But still- they're always nudging me, always trying to hold my hand, or kiss me, or hug me, or fuck me.
Assholes.
Anyway, I have been eating way too much recently. I'm shocked I haven't gained all the 25 lbs. back and more.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
149 lbs. and Daniel.
God. 149 lbs.
I just wants best for me, you know? And I know that being fat is not what's best for me.
My friend, Daniel, and I got into a bit of an argument yesterday about my weight loss. He started badgering me about how much I eat, blah blah blah, going on and on about nutrition and shit. I tried to explain to him that I work differently, I know all about nutrition and all that shit and I can guaruntee him that when I ate 1500 calories a day I was FAT. He just doesn't understand.
He's just trying to detract attention from himself. He attempted suicide a few months ago, and I was the one he called. I calmed him down as he was overdosing, got his address, and called 911 for him, and now that he's underweight I'm feeding him, taking care of him, making sure he gets all his exercise and vitamins. XD Yesterday, his bitch of a mother kicked him out of the house, saying, as long as you're living under my roof you are not going to do this emo bullshit!
So he's living with me for a while. XD Good. I can keep my eye on him. ;)
I just hope he doesn't try to keep an eye on me.
I'm fasting until I'm back to 145. Wish me luck ladies!
I just wants best for me, you know? And I know that being fat is not what's best for me.
My friend, Daniel, and I got into a bit of an argument yesterday about my weight loss. He started badgering me about how much I eat, blah blah blah, going on and on about nutrition and shit. I tried to explain to him that I work differently, I know all about nutrition and all that shit and I can guaruntee him that when I ate 1500 calories a day I was FAT. He just doesn't understand.
He's just trying to detract attention from himself. He attempted suicide a few months ago, and I was the one he called. I calmed him down as he was overdosing, got his address, and called 911 for him, and now that he's underweight I'm feeding him, taking care of him, making sure he gets all his exercise and vitamins. XD Yesterday, his bitch of a mother kicked him out of the house, saying, as long as you're living under my roof you are not going to do this emo bullshit!
So he's living with me for a while. XD Good. I can keep my eye on him. ;)
I just hope he doesn't try to keep an eye on me.
I'm fasting until I'm back to 145. Wish me luck ladies!
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
WTF
I went to my Psychiatrist this morning and I mentioned that I had lost 15 lbs since starting school. She said, "Your weight looks absolutely perfect right now. It's not good to be overweight, but you're at a normal, healthy weight." I thought, BULL. SHIT. I still have PLENTY. I almost wanted to stand up and grab my belly, my arms, my legs, and go, 'the fuck are you fucking talking about?" She just doesn't want me to relapse into my eating disorder so she tells me I'm the perfect weight even though I'm barely normal weight.
Later on, my friend Meg saw my weight on a form and said "hey, we almost weigh the same! I weigh 140." Bullshit. I pulled out the tape measure and I was 1-3 inches bigger than her in places. She said, 'See? We're practically the same size.' Bullshit. 1-3 inches bigger means we are NOT the same size.
She has more muscle than me because she used to be athletic; that's how she can look so much smaller and we still weigh the same.
I put on my size 8 jeans and they seem a bit saggy on me...but I'm still too big. I just have a flat butt (trust me, it's flat as fuck) and that's the only way I can be a size eight. 145 pounds and smaller than a size eight? Bullshit.
If I get to 135 lbs and I'm still not happy, then I'll freak. BUT I'm god damn 145 lbs.! I don't have to fucking worry about it!
My body can handle being hit by a car, it can handle a little weight loss.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Later on, my friend Meg saw my weight on a form and said "hey, we almost weigh the same! I weigh 140." Bullshit. I pulled out the tape measure and I was 1-3 inches bigger than her in places. She said, 'See? We're practically the same size.' Bullshit. 1-3 inches bigger means we are NOT the same size.
She has more muscle than me because she used to be athletic; that's how she can look so much smaller and we still weigh the same.
I put on my size 8 jeans and they seem a bit saggy on me...but I'm still too big. I just have a flat butt (trust me, it's flat as fuck) and that's the only way I can be a size eight. 145 pounds and smaller than a size eight? Bullshit.
If I get to 135 lbs and I'm still not happy, then I'll freak. BUT I'm god damn 145 lbs.! I don't have to fucking worry about it!
My body can handle being hit by a car, it can handle a little weight loss.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
148.0!
yes! 148.0!
Though my happiness was short lived when I remembered that I'm still too big. I my BMI is BARELY normal weight. I'm almost overweight. I'm still chubby.
:C but 148 is better than 150!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Though my happiness was short lived when I remembered that I'm still too big. I my BMI is BARELY normal weight. I'm almost overweight. I'm still chubby.
:C but 148 is better than 150!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
149
149 lbs this morning. Soon I'll be 145! XD I was hoping to be 148 by now but...oh well. It'll come soon enough. Have a great day.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Monday, April 09, 2012
Sunday, April 08, 2012
ugh. Ugh. Ugh.
I was good, all day, until dinner, when I got drunk and ate...A LOT. At least a thousand calories, if not a bit more.
Though, thinking rationally, I suppose it's not too terrible. I didn't go over 1,500 calories, so I know there shouldn't be a major weight gain. But there will be no weigh loss.
I've forgiven myself. It's for the best; now my family won't think anything, and it'll help with my metabolism. I've decided to push my date back a bit; I'll lose two pounds by Wednesday instead of tuesday. Cigarettes and energy drinks abound. ;)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I was good, all day, until dinner, when I got drunk and ate...A LOT. At least a thousand calories, if not a bit more.
Though, thinking rationally, I suppose it's not too terrible. I didn't go over 1,500 calories, so I know there shouldn't be a major weight gain. But there will be no weigh loss.
I've forgiven myself. It's for the best; now my family won't think anything, and it'll help with my metabolism. I've decided to push my date back a bit; I'll lose two pounds by Wednesday instead of tuesday. Cigarettes and energy drinks abound. ;)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Saturday, April 07, 2012
2 lbs!
Sooooooo, I have two days to lose two pounds. I don't care if it's water, shit, muscle, fat, whatever. Seeing how things have been going, I should be able to do it. Laxative tea, hullo. Mostly liquids for the next two days. May have to a eat a bit tomorrow since its easter but I promise I'll be good. :3 for the next two days! I'll let you know my progress.
Back
I'm back!
It's bittersweet, of course. It is sad that I
Have to come back; but it's happy that I have a place to go when I need it. I've lost 10 pounds in the last two weeks after gaining ten pounds. I went back to being an omnivore. *glares* I'm back to vegetarianism. I haven't been conscious of my eating. I didn't do it on purpose; I didn't "force" my self to stop eating. I didn't think "IM GOING BACK TO NOT EATING, DAMMIT!" Nope, I just did. *shrugs* and I get sick pleasure about seeing the weight fall off. I get pleasure getting on the scale and seeing "158," "156", "152," "150." after spending so long at 160. I want to get down to 140, maybe 130.
I am not depressed. I am not anxious. I take my pills every day like I'm supposed to, and I'm happy. I'm not letting it take control of my life; I'm not exercising impulsively. I just don't eat that often. Sometimes I do, sometimes I'll get stoned and have some junk food, sometimes when I go out with my friends I'll get an egg sandwich. When I'm offered a piece of chOcOlate, I take it. Food doesn't scare me. I just don't seek it out. I just don't feel the desire to eat. I forget that I don't eat; I just realized that I haven't eaten all day and I don't think of it.
It gives me a sense of control, I think, but not a sense of punishment. I don't hate my body. I'm comfortable in it, I'm happy with it. I just want to be skinnier. When I eat a lot, I don't get upset; it helps with my metabolism. I don't know what this is. I don't know. But I feel that right now, it's good for me.
It's bittersweet, of course. It is sad that I
Have to come back; but it's happy that I have a place to go when I need it. I've lost 10 pounds in the last two weeks after gaining ten pounds. I went back to being an omnivore. *glares* I'm back to vegetarianism. I haven't been conscious of my eating. I didn't do it on purpose; I didn't "force" my self to stop eating. I didn't think "IM GOING BACK TO NOT EATING, DAMMIT!" Nope, I just did. *shrugs* and I get sick pleasure about seeing the weight fall off. I get pleasure getting on the scale and seeing "158," "156", "152," "150." after spending so long at 160. I want to get down to 140, maybe 130.
I am not depressed. I am not anxious. I take my pills every day like I'm supposed to, and I'm happy. I'm not letting it take control of my life; I'm not exercising impulsively. I just don't eat that often. Sometimes I do, sometimes I'll get stoned and have some junk food, sometimes when I go out with my friends I'll get an egg sandwich. When I'm offered a piece of chOcOlate, I take it. Food doesn't scare me. I just don't seek it out. I just don't feel the desire to eat. I forget that I don't eat; I just realized that I haven't eaten all day and I don't think of it.
It gives me a sense of control, I think, but not a sense of punishment. I don't hate my body. I'm comfortable in it, I'm happy with it. I just want to be skinnier. When I eat a lot, I don't get upset; it helps with my metabolism. I don't know what this is. I don't know. But I feel that right now, it's good for me.
Tuesday, January 03, 2012
Hello. ^_^
I know, it's been almost a year since I last posted...and so many things have happened. I started eating normally, I realized I was gay, and I was admitted to a mental health hospital nearby. I've started going out a Lot with friends and partying...and I'm actually starting college in a month! It's been a lot of up and downs. Part of me has missed this blog, and another part of me hasn't missed it at all. I've been happy...but honestly, I can feel the past creeping back on. I don't know. I don't want it to happen, but I can't help if it does. This is the only safe place I can talk about it...we'll see how life goes for me.
I know, it's been almost a year since I last posted...and so many things have happened. I started eating normally, I realized I was gay, and I was admitted to a mental health hospital nearby. I've started going out a Lot with friends and partying...and I'm actually starting college in a month! It's been a lot of up and downs. Part of me has missed this blog, and another part of me hasn't missed it at all. I've been happy...but honestly, I can feel the past creeping back on. I don't know. I don't want it to happen, but I can't help if it does. This is the only safe place I can talk about it...we'll see how life goes for me.
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