I binged. Again. That's twice this week. I've just felt so shitty recently...it's like I can't get my mood and eating under control for the last week. I don't know. I'm going to take vyvanse tomorrow to help kick-start a three-day liquid fast. And then, after that, I'm starting a new diet. I made a new diet plan to help take care of my body. I'm going to eat 300-900 calories a day, and I'm going to stop eating sooooo much candy. I'm also going to start drinking more water to help fight against bloat...I don't want to binge any more. Please, lords have mercy on my SOUL, don't make me binge any more!

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BTW- Vyvanse is an ADD medication. It's essentially just speed, but it's slow release. The side effects are euphoria and appetite loss. :3

I stayed home from school today. I didn't feel well at all, and I slept in until 10:00. I drank some hot chocolate this morning because I didn't have any coffee, which is unfortunately 130 calories. :( I was hoping for zero calories today...but that's okay, if I restrict for the rest of the week I should be okay...
I want to be less than 150 lbs by the end of the week...please, let me get there.

Please give me the strength to do this. Give me the self-control to make it through another week without a binge. Give me the will to get below 150 lbs. Give me the ability to starve on.

If I continue losing weight at this rate (however slightly slow it is!) I'll lose 15 lbs in three months. Maybe not super-sonic, but better than nothing.

Ate a lot today. I wouldn't call it a "binge" since it wasn't over 2,000 calories (a binge is defined as being over 2500 calories) but it was DEFINITELY VERY disappointing. My weight this morning? 150.2 lbs. Ugh. I need to restrict better. My binges have been setting me back. But I'm still glad to see the number, after begging and pleading to be back to it for three months. I want to be less than 150 lbs. Before the week is out. I don't know if I can do it, but I'll certainly try.
I'm planning on not eating tomorrow to make up for my over-eating today. And for the rest of the week, I'm going to restrict as much as I possibly can. Wish me luck!


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I'm feeling so much better now. I don't know what was wrong with me but...I'm doing better. I hung out with my best friend, we made a picnic, rode bikes, and did a lot of talking, so I feel a lot better. Problem, she noticed my weight loss. It's so weird. I only lost five lbs, but she was like "You look like you've lost a lot of weight." She also noticed my eating. When I urged her to eat more, she said "Whatever, Candice. All you had was a small slice of pizza and a 100 calorie salad today." Shit, what the fuck? She's the FOURTH one of my friends to notice! What the hell! It's like they're all so fucking hyperaware of what I put in my mouth. Jesus titty christ guys. Stop being so obsessed with what I eat...unfortunately, now I have to figure out lies to tell all of them so they'll get off my ass about it. I just said to them "Yeah, I haven't had much of an appetite recently, it's really odd." But then, unfortunately, my friend Lorilei saw my test results for an eating disorder questionarre on my phone and said "Candice, take care of yourself better." Ugh. What the hell? What are the chances that she would just happen to see that over my shoulder? Whatever. I've decided, I'm going to tell her and my other friend, Michele, that I'm fine. I just wasn't feeling well and I've started eating more...And I'm going to pack a full (300 calorie) lunch, make sure to make a show of eating it in front of them and bring two "snacks." (that I will give away.) so that it'll look like I'm eating normally. That should get them off my ass. And when it comes to Morgan (best friend, spend a lot of time with her) I guess I'll just have to eat as normally as possible when I hang out with her...maybe I can get away with 1000, 1200 calories.

Numb

I feel so numb. I feel empty. I just don't feel...I'm tired and I just don't want to move. I'm so numb. I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm not depressed...I just can't feel any emotion at all. Sadness happiness excitement...I just can't feel it right now. I don't know what is wrong with me.
I have this huge desire to binge. I want to binge, binge binge. I want to eat cinnamon rolls and veggie burgers and hot chocolate and french fries and everything I can get my hands on because I'm so hungry but I don't want to eat anything because it's all so disgusting. But I want to feel something, taste something, anything. I don't know what is wrong with me. I can't binge, I can't I can't I can;t. I overdosed on benadryl yesterday, trying to feel something, wandered around in a cloud for four hours. I got lost in my school parking lot- that was fun XD- and just couldn't differentiate between reality and fantasy. It was weird.
I'm going to take Vyvanse. Kill my appetite so I won't binge, and I'll actually feel something.

Life is so freaking Lifey

Galen "broke up" with me. I put that in quotes because we didn't really have that much of a relationship in the first place, so there's really nothing to "break up." And, we are still going to see each other the next time he's in my town...so basically, this is the exact same situation we were in! Only I suppose, this way he doesn't feel obligated? I don't know. Meh. It's not a big deal.
This just gives me another reason to lose weight...make him want me even more. XD
I overate today, btw. About 2000 calories. Whatever. I'm too tired to give a shit right now.

I know this sounds awful but...another reason this give me inspiration to lose a ton of weight is because I want him to see my a few months from now and get a twinge of worry. I want him to look at me and say, what happened? I want him to watch me eating and worry a bit...not that he wouldn't if we were officially bf and gf or anything, but there's something awfully delicious about making him worry when we AREN'T together...like "haha, you still care about me even though we aren't together! haha!" I know that sounds awful...

Btw- I think I'm going to try going vegan. Or, as vegan as I can go. I know my family will think it's totally ridiculous, and my mom is already really suspicious of my eating. So I'm not going to TELL them I'm going vegan, but I'm going to stop eating as many animal products as I possibly can. That'll eliminate even more food choices! Whoooten!

I'm Tired

Last few days have been okay. I ate a package of cookies and cheese popcorn with my friend Kennedy back on saturday, because I really wanted her to eat and I knew she wouldn't if I wouldn't. Last few days I haven't been eating much, 500-800 calories a day ish. Yesterday I did alright...but I drank four beers last night and got a little, and I know that beer has a lot of calories in it. I'm estimating my actual food intake yesterday to be about 800 calories and there are 148 calories in the beer I drank, so my daily total was 1400 ish calories yesterday. Meh, that's okay. I haven't weighed myself recently. I guess I will later. Wish me luck.
Tired.

Galen, Scars, and Somnolence

I hung out with Galen* yesterday. Just went to his house to see him. Does it count as a date if we didn't leave the house or eat or really do anything productive at all? We just made out. Made out in my car, made out in his living room, made out in his bedroom, made out in his hallway on the way to the kitchen, made out in the kitchen, made out in the shed in his back yard...XD
It took me so long to build up the courage to take off my dress. I wanted to so badly, obviously, but the whole time I just...couldn't do it. By the time I mentioned it to him, the people that are fixing up his house showed up, so we had to find some where else. (that explains the shed in his back yard.) That's where I took off the dress.
It took me awhile. I kept explaining to him why it was so hard for me, and of course he kept saying, "It's nothing. Your scars aren't going to change my opinion of you. You're scars are beautiful because they're a part of you." I believed him, but...it was still difficult. Well, long story short, I showed him my scars, and he didn't care. I had to leave shortly afterwards, but I was glad that I got over the scar barrier. That will make it so much easier next time.

Last time I went on a date with him, I found his intense liking for me to be very inspiring. To be healthy, I mean. I thought, he thinks I'm beautiful even at this weight, so why should I try to lose more weight? I should just be happy with myself the way I am!
But this time, my reaction completely changed. He still likes me just the way I am and everything, but instead of using that as an excuse not to change, I'm using that as an excuse to change. I mean, if he thinks I'm beautiful the way I am now, how beautiful will he think I am when I'm 10 lbs. slimmer?

But, problem. As you know, I'm hanging out with my friend Kennedy*, who is a "recovering" anoretic. She's scarily slim, and I always encourage her to eat more. I've been trying to eat a more balanced diet with her around because I don't want to trigger her, but of course I talked to her about it and of course she noticed my eating patterns. Last night she asked me what I had eaten that day, and I told her, (ashamed of myself because I had eaten way more than I should have.) Three pieces of candy for breakfast, coffee, three more pieces of candy in the car, some juice at Galens house, three MORE pieces of candy on the way back from Galens house (It's fourty five minutes away), a piece of cornbread and some honey, and a mini pizza. About 1300 calories. She said to me, "No offense, but you're stressing me out. You're picking up some anorexic eating habits, and it's scaring me. I don't want you to do this to yourself because you're beautiful just the way you are. I want you to be healthy." :( I remember a time when that would have made me say, "Oh my gosh she's right. I should start being healthy again." But now...it's like I just can't do it. I just can't. I can't say "Oh em gee, I'm unhealthy what am I doing to myself!" Because I'm 150 lbs. I have way too much fat to be in danger. I just feel like, it's okay for me because I could go awhile without eating. I know that's a stupid thing to say because starving yourself is unhealthy no matter what size you are, but...I still can't. I just can't make myself eat again. It's sort of frightening.

I feel so bad. I didn't eat anything too awful today...but I wish I hadn't eaten that bite of doughnut. I may have eaten about 800 calories. I need to get control of myself. I can't take bites of things any more. Bites add up.
Unfortunately, my friends and I are going to Cinnabon tomorrow- specifically to eat a lot. Please, I want to stay sane. I know I'll cry if I eat too much tomorrow. I want to stay inside myself. I have to stay sane tomorrow. Control myself.

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Ugh. Gained 3 lbs. since yesterday. It can't be real, though, must just be sodium bloat. I can't have eaten that many calories in one day. I'm going to fast as much as I can today and then weigh myself again tomorrow and we'll see.

I took an eating attitudes questionnaire. If you got a score more than 24, you were at a high risk of developing an eating disorder/already had one. I scored a 40. :(


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Even though I felt I ate a lot today (well, technically yesterday.) I don't think I did TOO badly. 2,000 calories tops. (I drank some wine since last post.) That sucks but...I shouldn't gain weight from it. I did a lot of walking today. And anyway, this should help my metabolism, right? So, it's actually sort of a good thing. And I'm not going to suddenly gain five lbs from eating a bit extra. I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I'm okay. *breathes*
Tomorrow is a new day...and what a good day it will be! I'm going to see Galen! (Name changed of course.) I'm the exact same weight as I was the last time saw him. That half sucks, but half owns. I was hoping I would be even hotter this time, but at least I'm not fatter than I was last time. And he thought I was hot last time, so...(And I don't question that he thinks I'm hot, because why would he even date me if he didn't?)
I'm nervous. I have to show him my scars this time. He knows what happened to me four years ago, and he knows I have scars, but I'm still really nervous about showing them. I'll be okay.

I'm staying up all night tonight. I'm going to see how long I can go without sleeping. I took uppers a couple of hours ago, so...
And I shouldn't be that exhausted tomorrow. We'll see.

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I'm so fat. The binge that I've been bracing for finally happened. :(
I feel like I'm going right back to where I started and I'm just going to binge myself into oblivion...even though I ate maybe 1600 calories, which isn't that awful. I mean, come on. I used to eat that much in a normal day. But that's just the problem...it's NORMAL. I don't want to be normal. Not any more.
Tomorrow is a new day. New start. I'm taking a laxative tonight and I'm restricting severely tomorrow. Wish me luck.


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Wow

150.6 lbs! I've lost almost five lbs. in just a few short weeks. And I hardly had to try. My friend is staying with me over spring break. She has an ED, and I spoke to her last night about what's been happening. I found it really interesting talking to her...but I wish she wouldn't do this to herself. I feel like it's okay for me to do it because I'm 150 lbs, but she's 105. She can't keep doing this to herself...she'll die eventually from this. And I don't want her to die. I don't want her to keep damaging her body this way.
But anyway, I'm tired right now. Just know that I'm in a really good mood because I'm 150 lbs. again.

I can't wait for my next therapy session.
To lie.
To spin fake fairy tales with my tongue, all about how I have been eating Healthier Than Ever and I've been exercising Four or Five Times A Week and I've already lost Five Lbs. The Healthy Way.
Forget about the therapists appointment, how about my next doctors appointment? That'll be great fun. Hopefully by then I'll be 145 lbs and I'll get to say the lies again and how the hypothyroidism treatment must be working.
I can't wait.


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Bracing

I'm bracing myself.
Getting ready for the binge. I know it's coming...I've been eating 300-800 calories a day for a week, not even intentially. The binge must come soon. I didn't used to be able to do anything even CLOSE to this: I used to binge after what, a half a day, one day of restriction. I used to have to eat at least two thousand calories every other day (the alternate day diet, remember? XD) to control my appetite. But now...I don't know. I felt as though I was going to binge all day today, but some how, I didn't. I just didn't want to. I take a couple of bites of something and...I'm done with it.

What's going on in my brain? It's like my body suddenly decided not to cooperate. Or...should that be cooperate? I don't know. I'll see what happens.

Things to Say

I'm reading this nifty blog at nomorepessimistic.xanga.com. I remember reading this site before and it would totally convince me to start eating healthy again- which is a good thing! However, now, when I read it, I have a few things to say about it.
She is right. There is a huge difference between crash dieting and anorexia- and a lot of "anas" are crash dieters. Wanting an eating disorder is stupid. Believing you can just "start" on an eating disorder is equally stupid. There is a lot of misconceptions out there about anorexia- and a majority of the public is ignorant.
The dangers of ANY eating disorder-anorexia, bulimia, COE, BE, EDNOS are serious and should never be made lightly of. An individual who suffers from a severe eating disorder is living in a hell. Their entire life is consumed by the ED.
However, I do NOT agree with the penchant that all individuals with an eating disorders WILL fall into severe anorexia. Yes, a diet or EDNOS can turn into severe anorexia, and they should be avoided at all costs- but not every single person who has EDNOS will starve themselves to death. EDNOS is a complicated diagnosis, and it is different for nearly every individual. There is no set behavior pattern for somebody with EDNOS, as anybody with an eating disorder should know. It is not impossible to live with an eating disorder.

Of course, the point is moot. Any individual with an eating disorder- EDNOS, anorexia, bulima, etc., is at danger to damage his/her body. Eating disorders should NEVER be encouraged.

152 lbs. Again.

Well, yesterday went well. I went to a restaurant with that guy and I got the Carribean salad...I didn't eat it though. It's too bad, because I really enjoy the Carribean salad. I told him it was because I was cold and the salad was cold, and I didn't want to make myself colder...which was half true, but still sort of stupid. I got a cup of coffee instead, and we went for a walk afterwards. Yay, I got my exercise in!
I weighed myself this morning. 151.8 lbs, so about 152 lbs. That's good, I haven't been less than 154 lbs in months...but I don't feel as excited as I should. Honestly though, what was I expecting? It's not like I'll magically be 140 lbs. or something! XD I'm glad to be back at 152 lbs, finally. I can see some weight loss in my face and legs. My face, especially, looks slimmer. I'm happy. My body is good.
Problem is, I'm really jittery now. My heart is beating fast and I'm shaking a bit. I think I'm just dehydrated, because my throat is really sore, and laxatives DO cause dehydration. Off to drink some water, and maybe ride my bicycle Later to get rid of some energy.

Come back, Followers. :(

Is anybody there? Are my followers still reading me? Am I alone? Did I scare you away?
I'm watching a video called "Extreme Diets" on youtube, and I feel like a lot of these diets that they go on...I don't know...I think that it's exaggerated. These medical professionals say "AS SOON as you stop eating you'll have this this and this." The women, they cry about how touchy they are, about how depressed they are, about all they can think about is food. I think that it may be a bit exaggerated in them, because they went straight from eating a completely normal diet to being "anorexic." They have a completely normal appetite, and they are totally normal. Of course it's going to fuck with them.
Don't get me wrong. Pro-ana diets are stupid and crash diets are stupid, and nobody should go on one. It's good that they are making these videos to show girls what happens. But it is a bit exaggerated for them. I can say that for me, since my appetite died and I started eating less, I've actually been happier. I've had the same amount of energy and nobody has noticed a mood change in me.
Anyway, today I had a bite of a donut (literally one bite), a coffee, some popcorn, a cookie, and a few crackers. That's about 300-350 calories total. The popcorn was pretty good, actually. I took some laxatives a bit ago because I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow (I'm just finishing my period.) Wish me luck, ladies!

Later...
Going out with a guy tonight. I'm not all that interested in dating him but...I'll humor him. I took some uppers a little bit a go and I'm in a really good mood.

Reading my last few posts I realized that I sound angry, unhappy. I'm not unhappy: I'm very happy. I'm happier than I've ever been. I'm proud of myself. I'm excited for the future. I want to sing off the rooftops and climb mountains and fall in love and smoke weed. I'm alive.

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I don't know why I fucking forced myself to eat today. I didn't want to ruin my metabolism I guess. But I literally had to force myself to eat, and I could have been perfectly fucking fine on a few bites here and there. I feel terrible. I probably ate close to 1500 cals today. Ugh.
Went out to a pizza bar with my siblings. I didn't want to eat any pizza, because it all tasted gross. I have been to this pizza parlour before (my nieces birthday last year) and I ate a lot then...but I never realised how gross it is. Ugh. Did any of you ever notice how much like snot pizza tastes? And it's like I could taste the fat and empty calories crawling into my blood stream to tuck themselves away into my fat stores. I had a tiny bite of one slice of pizza and threw the other two pieces away, ate salad, and a couple of bites grabbed from the others plates, and a bit of candy after.

I swear, I will never force myself to eat 3 400 calorie meals ever again. I feel awful.


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Punishment

Yesterday, I ate bites of things here and there. I was proud? I know I shouldn't be. I probably ate about 500 calories. I'm not sure. Today, I'm trying to eat a bit more. I ate an omelette this morning (200 calories), coffee (35) and a protien bar (110).
As I was eating, though, I found myself not enjoying the food, at all. The eggs and cheese tasted heavy, too rubbery, and the ketchup on top made it worse. The bread was better. It seems all my body really wants to eat is carbs...which makes sense, since carbs provide energy to the body.

Yesterday I went to grilled cheese Wednesday with my friends. I got a bit of salad, a few teaspoons of mac n' cheese, a couple of cookies, and a water. I couldn't eat the pasta. I could taste the butter they used in it, and the starches of the pasta and cheese made it all the less appealing. I threw it away. The salad was fine, and I ate a bite of the cookie and gave the rest to my friend. The weird thing was, I kept going back for another cookie, took a bite and gave the rest to my friend. I did this about three times. After one bite, I didn't want to eat the rest.

I'm not really sure why I'm acting like this so suddenly. It's like a switch went off in my head.
Should I just accept it? It's like there's something in my head- I won't call it "ana", because that seems silly, but it's telling me to just accept it. To not fight it, to not try to eat more. It's whispering in my ear, telling me to take the gift I've so suddenly been given. But is it really a gift? It seems like more of a curse. And I worry that if I "accept" it, it'll suddenly change and I'll want to eat again. It'll go away as quickly as it came.

It's funny because so many of you portray anorexia as lovely, as great. As something to be desired. You even call it "ana" and act like she's your friend...so many girls do that. So many girls want that in their lives, and want to be thin. But I've felt anorexia, not ana. I've felt what it's like to not want to eat. Not because you want to be thin...but because you feel like dying. Because your body just doesn't want any food. In the hospital, four years ago, after my car accident, I dropped down to a very low weight. I didn't want to be small, I just didn't want to eat. And now, I'm feeling that way again. I don't know why. What is it this time? The desire to be thin? The desire for attention? Why did it happen so suddenly? What is going on in my head? What's wrong with me?

I'm going to accept it. I want to accept it so badly. I want to lose weight suddenly and not be able to fit in my clothes. I have this desire to have somebody fret over me, just a bit. This sick desire to take away from my body. Although she's strong and she's made me live, She's held onto fat and created scars from small scratches. She's hurt me. She's been a bother to me, and while I love her, I hate her too. I want to punish her. I want to punish my body for what she's done to me. What's so unusual is that I don't think that I'm that fat and hideous. I think my body is pretty alright, actually. But...I don't know. I don't want to be alright. I don't want people to say "you're not fat, you're average sized. BUT if you WANT to lose weight, try such and such." NO! I want people to say "You're not fat. Don't try to lose any more weight." Meh. I don't know. I'm a selfish bitch. XD

I currently weigh 155 lbs. (I know, that's sort of heavy.)
My goal weight (for now) is 140. My short term goal weight is 149, and then 145. If it's possible for me to get to 140, I may go lower.

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Sick and Tired

So far today, I have eaten a bite of a doughnut. I thought about eating an omelete or some oatmeal or a banana, but I just didn't want to. I opened the fridge and looked at the ingredients and just thought "Well, I ate a bite of donut, and that's really awful food. So I should not eat anything else for breakfast." Now I'm drinking coffee, thirty-five calories in it. That's okay. I can't help but wonder, can I go all day without eating? I probably can. If eating a little bit makes me happy, I can't help but wonder how happy not eating at all will make me.

I haven't weighed myself still. I don't want to see the number. I'm afraid that I've some how gained weight, and that will just be horrible if I have. 

I'm just so sick of eating, of food, of always having to think and obsess and wonder if something is healthy or not. I'm so fucking annoyed with everybody telling me different things, of thinking somethings healthy but having somebody else say "That's full of sugar!" There's so much conflicting information out there. Should I eat a lot of protien? A lot of fat? No carbs? An even balance of the three? I'm just so sick of it all! I'm so annoyed with food, healthy food, unhealthy food, it doesn't matter! I'm sick of the guilt I feel when I eat. I'm sick of feeling bad about myself when my friend mentions that she hasn't been eating much lately, and feeling like such a fatty. I'm so sick of my fat friend saying that she's the same size as me, and my best friend overeating with me late at night and laughing the next day at how unhealthy we are. I'm sick of wanting food, of dieting and dieting and exercising and not losing anything. I'm sick of my stubborn metabolism. 

I'm so fucking sick and tired of eating. 

I'm Back.

I'm back.
Sigh.
Of course.
I tried doing the whole  "1400-1800 calories a day plus exercise" thing, but...I didn't lose weight. I didn't really notice any difference at all. I said, of course not, I'll just keep trying. Well, I went to a doctor a while ago and he told me not to obsess, to eat healthy and exercise. He told me not to count calories any more, and to not exercise obsessively. He basically told me that I was healthy and that I didn't really need to lose weight, and I should just work on being as healthy as I can. Well, I panicked. I tried to stop counting calories, and I actually didn't for about a week...but, at the end of every day, I felt disappointed in myself. I would say, "I didn't eat healthy enough today. I have to do better tomorrow." And I would try to eat healthy without counting calories, but I either I counted calories in my head or I felt gross. I went to lunch with my friend Colin and told him about what my doctor said, and Colin said "Well, just stop it when it gets dangerous, then," like it was so obvious. I mean, just the way he said it, like it was so obviously not dangerous yet, and how I should starve myself because I'm so fat. I mean, I know that's not what he meant but...that's what it felt like. Well, then I went to my psychiatrist and she renewed my perscription to Vyvanse and...that's sort of where things have gone downhill. I haven't really had much of an appetite. I just don't want to eat anything. It's like, I don't want to eat unhealthy because I'm afraid to gain weight, so I want to find something healthy...but nothing really seems healthy enough. I eat bites of things here and there, maybe a bit of a doughnut, a salad, a granola bar or some nuts, but the bites of anything unhealthy makes me feel bad, so I think "As long as I don't eat a lot I should still be okay." I've taken Vyvanse a couple of times, but even when I don't take it, I just have no appetite. I thought about doing the alternate day diet again, since that seemed to work pretty well, but whenever I think "I should eat more today," I counteract it with "No, not yet, you didn't do that well yesterday. Just don't eat a lot today."
I haven't really been counting my calories, persay, but I've been keeping track of them in my head, and as far as I can tell, I've been eating about 800-1000 calories a day. Not low enough for me to really be concerned. I don't know. I think I'm okay. It's not that bad.

I'm not sure why I'm doing this again. I want to lose weight, of course, but that's really not my priority. I haven't even weighed myself in about a month. Yeah, I'm a little but thick, but I don't think I'm a huge shamoo or anything. It's like, when that doctor said that to me, it just made me panic. Don't get me wrong, that's exactly what he should have said, but it backfired. Him saying that to me...sort of made me want to do it more. Does that make sense? I don't know... I got some attention from him, and he was worried about me...and I want more of it. I know that sounds awful. But attention from men- particularly, older men- makes me so happy, whether it's from a doctor or from my friends dad. I want him to be worried about me. I want Galen to worry about me. Also, I've noticed I sort of like this more than I ever have. Of course, I was always a little weird about my eating but now, I want to not eat more than I want to eat.

And the hunger pangs- oh, the hunger pangs. I always have hunger pangs, whether I just ate fifteen minutes ago or I haven't eaten at all, so I figure "Why even eat in the first place? You'll just be hungry again fifteen minutes later! So you may as well just not eat anything." Not eating anything gets rid of the hunger pangs faster than eating, because if you just leave your stomach empty the hunger pangs eventually go away. And when I eat something I just think "Ugh. Now you're going to have the hunger pangs even worse!" Well, anyway, like I said, I'm not worried. I'm sure I'll be fine.