Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Ending my day at 700 calories. More than I wanted, but still good. I ate Vegetable Lasagna for dinner. *sigh* And then, on top of that, peanut butter crackers. Ugh! But I could control myself. 700 calories isn't awful.
What I really need to keep remembering is that I NEED BALANCE. I can't either eat too much or eat only crackers. I need small meals, but still meals. I need BALANCE. Sigh. I'm trying.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Ugh! Why do I have to be a failure?
Why did I have to eat that pasta? It was only a few bites but...still. That brings my calorie total up to 1000 calories today.
Fuck. Whatever. I'm eating under 1000 calories tomorrow, too.
I must be 145 soon. Please Jesus. :(

- Posted from the outside world.
I don't know how I ever thought I could move away from this and not count calories, eating below 1000 calories a day. I don't know, I thought maybe that if I ate more I could speed up my metabolism or something? Whatever...I can't. I'm going back to each serving of something being below 100 calories, and eating less than 1000 calories a day. HOpefully I won't binge tomorrow! Wish me luck

Eating 600 calories today to make up for my mistakes this weekend. Wish me luck, everybody.
Ariana- thank you for your offer, but I have to pass. The ABC diet is a little too ridiculous for me.

I gained 4 lbs magically. Sigh. I know it's just water weight, but it's so disappointing. I can't stand seeing a weight gain.
"Fasting" today, probably tomorrow too. Maybe tomorrow I can do a liquid fast?
(I tried to eat normally and ne'er fast again, but I knew I couldn't stay away for long. :| )

- Posted from the outside world.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Been eating a little too much this weekend. I ate about 1500 calories already today...I'm going to end it at about 2000 I think. Sigh. Not what I would be happy with, but alright. If I can exercise, that'll be fine.
I've been doing a lot of thinking, mostly about Galen. I really think I'm going to try to eat normally and just exercise more. Galen really likes my body...I mean he thinks I'm gorgeous. Even though I weigh 150 lbs. In fact, he likes that...kissing him, he keeps grabbing on to me like he wants to absorb me into him. I don't know...I really want to be fitter, but I don't want to be thin. I don't think so. I'll stay at 145 lbs...maybe 140. We'll see where I settle. But I'm not going to force my body to weigh less than is natural. Does that seem odd? Does that seem like "OMG WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BE FAT." But I don't think I'm fat. Not even at 150 lbs., I don't think so. I think I'm a little larger than is healthy, but fat? No, no. Yes, the occasional photograph makes me feel fat, but you know, I'm alright. Not everybody thinks thin is attractive...yeah, some people do, but some people think a little extra is hot, too. It's really just everybody's preferences.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Sigh. I don't know what to do.
I'm at 150 lbs. My plan, thusfar, hasn't worked. On top of that, for the last few days, Galen has been acting...disinterested. He's six hours away in college, so I'm sure that he's busy, but nonetheless...it's not the best thing in the world. My body is okay...I'm not fat, but I would still like to lose weight. I still want to be 145 lbs! But, I have to remember my health, my sanity, my fitness...and I have to stay on this. Sigh. :\ Help.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010


Well, after analyzing my eating habits intently, I think that I should try eating more normally- because I've fallen into this habit of fasting, and then eating junk food, and fasting...I'm going to try to eat 1200-1500 calories a day with 30 minutes to an hour of exercise, and one or maybe two days of fasting in the week. Sound good? I'm sort of terrified I'll gain weight, but it's better than fucking up my metabolism!
It's occured to me also that my exercise habits haven't been up to par. Ja, I have been doing SOME exercising, but have I been doing yoga every day? 30 minutes of cardio, and weight lifting? Not exactly. I still haven't quite gotten back into the groove since my surgeries, even though it's been more than a month later. So, I'm also going to try exercising more. Will this new plan help my metabolism and make me lose weight faster? Maybe. We'll see.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

I have hit another goal weight!
148.0 lbs. as of this morning!
Yesterday, I ended the day at about 700 calories, but I stayed up until 1 talking to Galen. For some reason, whenever I stay up late, I always get the munchies in the middle of the night. Last night, I had a bit of a mini-binge: it wasn't a real binge, but if I didn't force myself to STOP it would have probably blown into one. I ate granola (120) milk (30) and cookies (100) Not so bad, eh? So my day ended at about 900 calories. Okay, fine. I exercised a bit yesterday, but not as much as I would have preferred, so I wasn't expecting any weight loss. Finally, I broke through my plateu and hit 148.0! I was hoping to be 145 by tomorrow, but you can't always get what you want, right? I'm just glad to be in the 140's again. I remember the last time I was 140- it was about three years ago, after I was released from the hospital and was recovering from a nasty bout of C-diff and related anorexia (not the nervosa variety.) I was 113, 120, 130, 140- and I just couldn't stop the weight gain. Eventually I hit 161 and I tried even harder not to gain weight- which failed. Anyway, ever since then I've been struggling to lose it all, and finally I am! Yaysies! What I really need to start focusing more on is my percent body fat. Right now it's like, 35% which is GROSS. I need to work out more!

I can't see Galen again until Christmas break. :C

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Thanks to everybody who commented on my last post. :D

About my date last night...let's just say that it went very well. I learned a pretty important lesson last night, that being that a man is just excited to be with the girl he likes, and he doesn't notice any of the things we do. Galen didn't seem to give a damn that I wasn't 105 lbs.- in fact, he thought I was the best thing in the whole world.
We think "OMFG I'm so fat holy shit I have so many fat rolls this is really nice but Idon'tknowifhelikesitmaybeI'mtoofatomglookatmythighshe'stouchingmyleghethinksmylegisfatomgomgomgomgomg

Anyway, yesterday was alright...I didn't restrict down to 600 calories like planned. At the end of the day, I ate upwards of 2,000 calories. What is it about boys that makes us want to be so hedonistic? I don't know...I ate a Veggie Cheesburger (yum!) with avocado, and later powdered doughnuts while I was sitting in my bedroom at midnight with Kennedy. D: Whatever...I'm going to eat 600 calories today, so I'll make up for it.
149.0 lbs. this morning.

Friday, August 20, 2010


148.8 lbs. :) I ate a damn fucking cupcake last night at 1 in the morning- so, technically it was my breakfast. About 200 calories. I'm going to eat 200 calories for lunch and 200 calories for dinner and that's it- 600 calories for the day.
Sometimes I wonder why I'm doing this. I'm not wannarexic- I don't want an eating disorder, I don't HAVE an eating disorder. I just want to lose weight, be pure, pretty, and have control. I guess that sounds funny, almost anorexic, but...I look into my past and I see all the mistakes I made, how many times I lost control, how long it took me to lose even one pound and I don't want to go back to that at all.
I didn't do yoga last night. I stayed up until 1:00 talking to the G-Man, so I was totally shattered and couldn't wait to fall asleep. <3 that boy.
Going out with him today, if you forgot. He seems to really like me, he keeps telling Ian how awesome I am. :D I'm so friggin happy.
It's really surreal. He asked me last night, "What do you think this is? Just friends or what?" And, me being a genius, answered "Well, I'm assuming that it's a date." (Since I knew that he holds me at such a high esteem.) He said, "Oh, good, that's what I assumed too, but I just didn't want to be weird." And he was so excited! That's so fucking weird. Somebody actually LIKES me? He's seen me, he knows what I look like and he's seen my body and he's seen me eat, and yet he still wants to date me. And if he wants to date me, then that means he's thought about me, he's thought about holding my hand, kissing me, hugging me.
I'm sort of freaking out right now. This goes against everything I believe- Body Dysmorphia has been like a religion to me, just as anorexia is like a religion to some anoretics. Touching and kissing and having somebody think you're great is STRICTLY AGAINST RELIGIOUS LAW when it comes to BDD. And yet, here I am, going on a date with a boy. : / It's a good thing I'm "recovered" from BDD. (I put recovered in quotes because, just like with any psychological disorder, you can never truly be recovered. It's always with you.) I don't know if I could have handled this just three months ago.
Wish me luck, ladies. And have a day as beautiful as yourselves.

Thursday, August 19, 2010


Well, I did pretty well today, considering I usually can't restrict my eating for two days at a time. Today, I didn't restrict THAT much (My total was about 800 cals for the day) but, I'm sure that I'll have lost some weight by tomorrow, especially if I do yoga before bed like I plan! So...ja. I've been feeding these cupcakes to everybody, and there are only three left...I hope I don't eat one tonight. They are so tempting. I don't know why I'm craving one so badly all of a sudden! Ugh.
Well, I'm 149.2 lbs. -_- I'm hoping to drop that number tomorrow. I wanted so badly to be 145 by Friday, but I guess that's just not going to happen for me. :< Oh well. I ate alright yesterday, and so far, today, I'm eating alright too. I think that if I exercise tonight (bike and yoga + weights...I haven't been exercising in a couple of days, you know, the friends blah blah blah) I should be 148. something by then. Anyway, I started out today with a egg sandwich. It sounds bad, but it's not...
2 slices light bread (90 calories)
1 egg (70)
Ketchup (15)
That's it. Along with the pretzels I ate last night (100 calorie pack, no fat. :D) My daily calorie intake thus far is 275. Meh. That's ALL RIGHT I guess.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

"In the body, as in sculpture, perfection is attained not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away."

This is a lie. Don't believe this for a moment, ladies. Perfection is impossible.
Perfection is a lie.
Perfection is miserable.
Nobody can be perfect, but I believe that you are all beautiful just the way you are. Perfect? No. Perfect is disgusting. Beautiful? Yes. Beauty is in every single one of us.
Do what you want with your body, and I will do what I want with mine. But remember, you're beautiful and perfectly imperfect just the way you fucking are.
I hate my life.
151 lbs.

- Posted from the outside world.

Sigh. 151. I hate that god damn number! Did I somehow magically gain two lbs. over night? How? Why? I used the restroom before I weighed myself...maybe I'm retaining water? UGH. WHATEVER. THIS IS GHEY.
This morning, for breakfast, I ate-
1 light honey wheat bread slice (45 calories)
Walden Farms Apple Butter (0 calories)
Glass of water (0 calories.)

I'm not going to eat lunch, but I'll have to eat dinner. Wish me luck, ladies.

(Thanks to Ariana for your comment. You're right, it was healthy, but I guess I retained some water weight. : /)

(P.S.- I remember when 151 was good. I remember when I was like "If I only I was 150 lbs., I'd be happier. And then I could be 141, and 131.
But 151 is just a fat number to me now.)

Oh damn. I found the left over sushi from last night. And now I'm eating it. Of course.
I can't stand wasting food. It's only four rolls...I don't think that's a problem...is it? Four avocado rolls isn't awful, right? I can't throw it away. I just can't.

The cupcakes are still sitting there. And the icing. I don't want it.
I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't I don't.
I don't want it.
The only reason my body is telling me I want it is because it's sugar! Fat and sugar. Fat and sugar. My body LIKES fat and sugar. Everyones does. It's in our biology. But guess what? I'm not going to eat it. Because I don't need it. I don't need it. I don't. I already ate sushi and toast. I'm not hungry. I don't need it.

Okay, this post is confusing. Anyway! I'm doing better. I did really well today, actually! I ate a teensy bit of the icing- 1 teaspoon- and then I STOPPED. I'm so proud of myself! I stopped. No more icing! I didn't eat a cupcake- I don't even want one any more. I realized through the day that I don't NEED the cupcake. I don't. Once I get over the initial want for the sugar and fat, I really don't want it any more. I ate a chocolate granola bar for lunch (140 calories- I needed something chocolatey!) and then, for dinner (we went to an all you can eat buffet) I ate-
1/4 cup rice noodles
5 pieces of broccoli
2 pieces of sushi
1/2 cup jello
9 grapes
3 mandarin orange slices
3 peach slices
3 pineapple chunks.

My estimates are about 600 calories all in all.
:D Let's see what the scale says tomorrow...

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Shit. Cupcakes.

- Posted from the outside world.

Today was suckish. I ate 1200 calories...which is okay...but...it's dissapointing because I'm supposed to be fasting! Agh! I didn't follow my diet plan at ALL today. Why does it seem that I can only control my diet for 1 day at a time? I guess, eventually that will change. I guess it's okay, in a way, to eat a little more one day. Sort of like the alternate day diet? I'm trying to justify cheating a bit.
Innywho, tomorrow is a new day. Maybe I'll have lost weight, you never know! :D
Tomorrow I'm getting back on track with my diet. I guess I just need a one day break so that I don't totally binge. Which is NOT something I want.
I see that as a pattern in my eating. I eat healthy a lot of the time, but I fast on alternate days. I guess that's okay...except for when I want to follow a particular plan for a week! Then it's suckish!
As I said, though, tomorrow is a new day. Here's what I ate today...
1 bowl of cereal w/ soy milk- 155 calories.
Protein bar- 170 cals.
4 pieces of avocado roll- 246 calories
Soup- 50 calories.
GeniSoy crips- 200 calories (I love those things...90 calories for ten. I ate 20. :(
Grilled Cheese (My friend made it for me. With soy cheese and tomatos!) 215 calories.
Cupcake (Damn I can't resist them!) 200 calories.
So a bit over 1200 calories. A relatively normal and healthy day. So, not so bad! Besides the cupcake.
Tomorrow, I'm going back to my fast. Maybe this will actually help my weight loss!
Sigh. Weight this morning? 149.4. Same as two days ago. :( It's okay, this happens to me sometimes. I have a mini plateau for like, three days and then I get right back to losing weight. I guess it's just my metabolism. I'm going to eat 1000 calories today and I'm going to try to fit some exercise in, so we'll see what my weight is tomorrow.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Hi every one! My fastish thing is going well. I had 1 apple, .5 cup of coffee, salad with .5 tblspn of ranch for lunch, .75 of an airhead, an apple harvest salad with a veggie pattie and a few pieces of broccoli. Awesome! I slipped up a TEENSY bit, but I didn't binge or anything. So I would say today went pretty well.
I spent six hours walking around the water park and standing in lines, so I burned a lot of calories. I want to Do some yoga, but right now I'm still with Ian and K, so I really can't.
At the park, my friend and I got matching fairy necklaces. It represents our friendship, but partly, for me, it represents strength during a fast and connecting with your body. K is thin, As you know, and I don't want to be thin like her, but she sort of reminds me that we both have some problems with our bodies to solve.
I also discovered this tea. It's chocolate flavored, and it has a laxative effect, so it's doubly awesome! Only 2 calories for a cup, and it's not totally chocolatey, but it has an awesome flavour to it. Find it at HEB.

- Posted from the outside world.

Decided to stay up all night to night. I'
Thanks to all my commenters for your great comments! Thanks to Ariana for your consistent comments (It's so weird that we're the same weight! Que interesante, ?si?)
Thanks to dot for your tip. I'll definitely try that!
Thanks to anybody else for your comments, they mean a lot to me.
Now, today, I weighed myself and I weighed 151 lbs. :(
I'm really hoping that it's water weight. I would be SO disappointed in myself if I gained fat.
Anyway, I'm hoping that by Friday I will have dropped a few pounds. Laxies. Fasting. Drinking tons of water so I'll lose water weight. Anything to be 145 by Friday. Can I do it? Let's see.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Sigh. My premonition came true. I feel like a pig now. How could I eat this much food? I was planning on doing a water fast today...it was going to be awesome seeing the scale go down tomorrow. I could have hit my next goal weight. :(
1) I can't change the past.
2) I didn't binge, I didn't even over eat by much.
3) I can exercise on my bike tonight and burn off a lot of water weight, so maybe I'll weigh less tomorrow.
4) I can take laxatives, another reason I can still weigh less.
5) This helps boost my metabolism so the next time I fast, I'll see more immediate results.
6) Every body makes mistakes...

Well, I've decided to make up a week long diet for me to follow before my date on friday (Yes, ladies, I'm going out with Galen with Kennedy and Ian. :D I have to look awesome.) Here are a few rules!
1- Breakfast is one apple and coffee at 7:00 am, followed by 30 of bike riding, walking, or yoga.
2- Lunch is any salad (I'm going to go out a lot this week, I know that I won't be able to eat an apple for lunch.) with 1 tpsn dressing.
3- Dinner is the same as lunch, or 1 cup of veggies if at home.

Hopefully I'll be able to do this and stay strong. I CAN'T be flexible about this. I can't say "Well, I'll eat a piece of candy..." or whatever. I don't care. I have to stay strong. I want to be 145 by the time school starts.
Shit. Shit. I'm overeating. Damn damn damn.
Today, I couldn't do my fluids fast because I realized, with horror, that I couldn't sit there sipping iced tea while Ian and Kai ate food. I just couldn't. So, I decided that I would eat.
I did okay all morning, Until we went to a Mexican restaurant and...I got Huevos Rancheros. I was going to just eat the eggs and salsa but...Ian said to me "Eat, it's fine. Eat." Why did I listen to him? Ugh! And then we went over to get ice cream and now it's gotten way. Out. Of. Hand! Ugh.

- Posted from the outside world.

Okay. *breathes* By my calculations, I didn't do TERRIBLY. It felt like I was binging, but it really was just plain old eating! Maybe a bit too much candy, maybe a little more than I would like, but frankly, it wasn't a binge. I'm okay. And, frankly, the metabolism needs that boost. So, really, I'm okay.
Too me, it feels like a binge. If I didn't sit down and think about it responsibly, I probably would have lost total control and I would have eaten a ridiculous amount of food. Maybe 3000 calories or 5000 calories. That would have sucked! I'm glad I sat down, added it up, and really thought about it hard before that happened. Because right now, my calorie total is looking more normal, which is good for my metabolism and my spirits. Of course, I will still feel like a total pig. Of course, tomorrow, I will still obsess over the numbers and bite my lip. But, it's not as bad as it could be.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Another post!

Another post! I got back from the movies about two hours ago and had a lot of fun. I met this guy named Galen…got his number from Ian, our mutual friend. I’m hoping I didn’t totally terrify him. Guess what? He’s a freshmen in college. :3 he’s so awesome. Anyway…as soon as Ian saw me, he puts his hand on my waist and says, “OMG…LOOK AT YOU! YOU LOOK INCREDIBLE!” I was thrilled! He even said to his other friend, “Look at how thin she looks!” It was absolutely incredible. I about passed out. If I look so lovely at this weight, how much better I will look when I’m at my goal weight?
In other, somewhat related news, I want pizza so badly right now…I’m craving it so much. And not South Beach Diet pizza, real pizza.. (Well, about as real as it get’s outside of Italy or NY!)

P.S. So, I just ordered a pizza with roma tomatos and olives. Small, of course. Maybe it’s not exactly diet friendly, but I’m taking a page out of Misses Eat, Pray, Love’s book and enjoying it. I want it. I’ll have it.
I’ve done a lot of thinking about what’s happening tomorrow and I’ve decided that tomorrow will be a good day for a liquid fast. I’m going to Ian’s house, but I’m sure he won’t be trying to shove food down my throat, since his girlfriend doesn’t eat much. I’m excited for it! I haven’t done a liquid-only fast in a while, so it’ll feel really good. See you all later!

Comments are awesome!

First off, allow me to say Thank You! to all of my FOUR followers and their awesome comments. And second of all, I went to see Eat, Pray, Love last night and let me say that it was AWESOME. You really all should go see it, it's a beautiful movie. (Phillipe is really hot, spoiler alert. I've decided to marry him.)
Now, I weighed myself this morning and *drumroll* I weigh 149 lbs! Yes! I'm so close to the normal weight range I can TASTE it. Not really...that would be weird. O.O
My BMI is 25.1 right now, and normal is 18- 24.7. When I get to 147 I will be "normal."
My psych wants me to stop at 144 lbs, but I just don't get that. It's not like I'm 104 lbs. or anything. Whatever.
I got a lot of awesome clothes yesterday, at the best consignment shop in the world. They are great, but the label still reads "large" or "10." But I can fit into those sizes comfortably, unlike before. (size large and 10 were close fits for me. I could wear them, but it was really close...sort of uncomfortable having things fit me that way.) So, it's not "extra large" or "14." (ugh.) Someday, I won't be a size 10; I'll be healthier, size 8 or 6. I don't want to be a size 0, 2, or even 3...I just want to be healthy.

(Oh, and my mother was around this morning, and she always likes me to eat breakfast- of course, breakfast is the most important meal of the day- so I just ate 1/2 cup of cheerios (66 cals) 1/4 cup of soy milk (20 cals) and five almonds (25 calories.) Sort of ruined the "no food before 3 pm" thing but...oh well. What can I do? I lost weight, too, so that's a bonus.

P.S. I just remembered that I'm planning on going to the movies today with a bunch of people. Damn. Today was not a good .5 fasting day. Oh well! I'm going to go with a 1,000 calorie day instead. :3 Flexibility is the key to happiness, ladies.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Two posts, one day.

Damn, two posts in one day.
I just saw a bit about "Eat, Love, Pray," and the author said that she put on 30 lbs. while in Italy. She said something along the lines of, "It wasn't about binging. It was about enjoying myself, being perfectly happy with myself, and becoming one with happiness."
That's lovely, and I hope that all of you can have a small sense of that even if you don't put on 30 lbs. But by the same logic, can't that be applied to fasting? Extended fasting- beyond the norm- is of course, anorexia nervosa and no good. But, for example, what I'm doing, should be considered, not about starving, but about enjoying my body, being free from food, and becoming one with happiness, as well. At least, that's how I see it. When I eat less, I feel better. I feel clean, pure, beautiful, and in control. And, of course, some days I eat or over-eat; but shouldn't it be accepted that sometimes, I just have to eat less? When are people always so excepting of bingers, and then frown at fasters? It doesn't make much sense. Anyway, whatever. I'm doing half a day fast tomorrow (as in, I'm not eating anything at all until 3 pm, and my snack/dinner is going to be low in calories. So far, today is going well. I feel nice. I'm hungry, but I know that part of that is my body cleaning itself out (:D)

Six W's; Work will win when wishing won't.

I don't know what I'm going to do today. Yesterday was alright, but I'm sort of disappointed in the calorie total. Today, I woke up at 3:00 (like I do almost every morning) and ate a fiber fit bar (110 calories.) I really don't know WHY I ate that. I wasn't even really hungry. I guess I thought it would be fine since it was only 110 calories, but still...eep! So, today will have to be a 500 calorie day.
Hard boiled egg (70)
Toast (90)
Apple Harvest Salad (115 calories)
Something below 150

Plus the granola bar I just ate, that comes out to about 535 calories.
I weighed myself this morning, and I weighed 151 again. :( I know it's not REAL weight, of course, because I would have to eat a lot more than 1500 calories to gain a pound in one day, but it was still disappointing to see the number go up. It's the weight of the food I ate yesterday and have yet to fully digest. (Hullo laxies! We meet again.) Sorry to be gross, I know you don't want to hear about that.
I'm kind of sort of proud of my body. Not because it's TOTALLY HAWT or anything like that, but simply because of how hard it's working. I'm already recovered from my operation, 2 weeks later, and I've lost 13 lbs. to boot. My hips are still a little lumpy, and my stomach still has too much fat on it, and don't get my started on the cellulite (ew.) but it's better than it used to be, and even at it's worst point, it was still pretty average (for the normal, size 12-10 american woman.)
Everything that is still a little funny about my body can be fixed with some weight loss. Sometimes I'm really hard on it, but then I come back to reality and I realize that it's really, really not that bad.
And then sometimes, my mother will say something like "sometimes you look like you're pregnant!" (yes. She actually said this, a couple of days ago to be exact.) That can be fixed with posture and weight loss. I have the tendency to stand with my pelvis rotated inward (I broke my pelvis in eight places, it does weird stuff sometimes) which results in a little bit of an exaggerated stomach. But if I stand with my pelvis rotated outward a bit (meaning backwards, straightening my spinal column), it has the opposite effect. So, basically, proper posture. (And anyway, who is she to talk? She's 200 lbs. You want to talk to me about looking chubby? I love her to death, but I really don't think she should be critisizing ME.)
Anyway, hopefully, after taking this laxitive and eating 535 calories today, I hope I will be able to get below 150 by tomorrow. Can I do it? We shall see.

Later- I was reading "Love, Veggies, and Yoga" (New blog, must follow if you love health and yoga!) and I stumbled across this quote-
"Scott's (comfort food) would be white potatoes, my mother's would be cookies, and mine would be super hot coffee. Not really a "food" but it does comfort me!"
That really hit home, because that encapsulates the idea of this blog. Why need FOOD to comfort you. I think it's a much healthier coping mechanism to comfort yourself with a walk, or super hot coffee. I'm getting better at doing that. It's not because we're WEAK, it's simply because of evolution- it's in our biology to want simple carbs and sugars, and those things make us feel better. But, I believe that every one of us has the ability to over come these primitive desires and use our BRAINS to figure out a different way to comfort ourselves.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Well, I believe that at the end of the day today, my net caloric intake will come to about 1100 calories. :/ I've been hanging out with K, who is a recovered anoretic. I don't want her to relapse, so I always feed her healthy foods when she's around, and do easy work outs with her. So, I've eaten about 1500 calories today and burned maybe 400. Well, that's alright, I suppose. Everything I ate today was healthy- eggs and toast, salad and legume soup, and for dinner I'm having shrimp and scallops with veggies and soy sauce (Wok on Wheels! Yeah!)

@Saphira and new low weight.

I've been thinking about Saphira's recent blog post about "intuitive eating" and it's inspired me to write my own blog post about that.
Saphira is so right about this- actually, this is something that his been around quite a bit in the nutrition circle. However, SOME people's "intuition" is a little off, leading them to eat less food even if they were hungry. So, a decreased appetite, basically. I don't think this is an eating disorder necessarily, but just a different survival instinct- our mind knows that if we were in the wild, we wouldn't be able to eat as much as we are. If we have a little extra, our bodies know that there's no worry about our life- we have enough to live off of. Our bodies also know what it needs and what it doesn't need- whether our stomach is empty or not. We've been brain washed into believing that we should "never allow ourselves to get hungry" and we "should be eating 2,000 calories a day" but this just isn't true for all.
(P.S.- there's a difference between this and an eating disorder. I believe that I have the former, not an eating disorder. My body knows that it has extra fat and it wants to get rid of it and build muscle- and it also knows that I don't need 2,000 calories a day to do that.)

Okay, enough of that. Yesterday I ate about 330 calories, and today, I think I'll be eating about 500 calories. Maybe 700. We'll see what happens.
I pulled of the bandage on my left side a little early and pulled the incision open a bit. That's such a shame, because I've finally been feeling well enough to do yoga. Oh well. I'm going to do yoga today, and if my guts fall out, then I'll just stuff them back in and wear a tight fitting t-shirt to hold them in.

YES! Omg. I'm so happy! I've just weighed myself and guess what? 150 lbs.! New low weight! And that was after drinking coffee, PLUS I've been lifting weights- so tomorrow, I very well may be 149. Yes! Okay. Sorry. I'm being such a spaz right now but I'm so excited!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Fast today is going well. :3 I ate 4 almonds a little bit ago...because I was craving some. But it sort of ruined the fruits and veggies fast thing. I also had gorgonzola (1 tbspn) on my salad at lunch (my mom and I ate out). It was good, but also breached the rule. Well, at least I didn't binge...and it was only 60 calories total for the things that weren't fruits and veggies. I WAS going to have 1 small apple for breakfast, 1 small apple for snack, 1 large apple for lunch, and carrots for dinner, but it didn't quite work out perfectly. Sigh. Oh well. It's not as though I ate chocolate cake or anything.
I'm still awaiting my cycle. It seems to have disappeared on me...at least I'm not having cravings any more. Cravings ruin everything! Boo. :(

Ate another salad for dinner, 1 tbsn blue cheese, lettuce, apples, and light dressing. It was wonderful.
Later on tonight, I'm going to do a cardio burn yoga workout with my friend. (hopefully) Sorry, so boring, but hey...

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I am so fat...Jesus, it grosses me out just how fat I am. I didn't even realize that I was like this. But now, it's like...I see the fat on my body. Even when I look at my forearms, I can see excess fat...I wish it would just go away. As neurotic as it is, I'm certain that I gained at least 5 pounds from eating more than usual for two days. I've eaten about 1,000 calories today, which is so much better. But one day of 1,000 calories isn't going to make me lose all of this fat. My cravings have gone down significantly, lucky for me, but I'm still so dissapointed. 1700 calories for the last two days, probably. Ech. That's way too much...But! I will weigh myself soon, so we'll see the damage.
I can lose this weight. I can, I can, I can. *breathes*

Sunday, August 08, 2010

Ugh. I hate being a girl.
I'm due to start my cycle in a few days, and as a result I'm totally cranky, bitchy, and I have cravings like nothing else. You know...carbs, sugar, salt...all the things that AREN'T HEALTHY AT ALL. So, I've decided, that for a few days I'm going to bump my caloric intake up to 1500. :( I don't know how much weight I'll lose (probably none) but, at least I won't be at risk of binging. I'm actually planning on eating an entire pint of ice cream at some point in time (gasp!), which will make me FEEL like a total pig, but I'm craving ice cream like crazy. I'm going to get low fat, low calorie ice cream. Maybe even dairy free ice cream. But I'll see.
I ate a little over 1500 calories yesterday, but it was all healthy foods. I exercised also- you know, streches, a few reps with my weights (5 lbs. woooo! I'm so strong! >_> <_< )
Innywho. I hope that with my plan of 1500 calories, still exercising, and eating healthy foods, I can avoid over-eating. I haven't full-on binged in a long time- maybe I have over-eaten on occasion, but honestly, who hasn't? Still...maybe I can avoid over-eating.

Friday, August 06, 2010

151.6 lbs. And wheatgrass.

Eating 1500 calories today, it's a good day.

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

The most boring post ever.

Well, woke up at like 7 am today with a text message from some guy that's friggin in love with me, texts me all the time, calls me every day...but I can't say "fuck off," because he's actually really nice. But he has a girlfriend. So...but whatever, that's a total digression. I've been fasting today. It's only been two hours so far, I know, but...I still feel proud of myself. I told my mom, "I feel really nauseated...I think I ate too much fried food yesterday. I just ate totally different from how I usually eat." She nodded her head and agreed. So, I got that out of the way.
I don't have anything else interesting to say. :(

I'm feeling a bit weak. It's so retarded, but I want some eggs. My brain keeps trying to justify it by saying "Well eggs are healthy! Bleh! And you didn't gain any weight so you don't really need to be fasting!"
But I'm not going to do it. I'm going to continue my fast. It's not even that difficult. *rolls eyes* I'm only fasting for one day. My body just isn't used to it, I guess. I'm going to stay strong, though. I've fasted before. I can do it again.
I didn't used to think fasting was such a good idea, but I read a lot of articles online discussing the benefits of occasional fasting, and I have to say, it makes sense. And I already feel better. (The key word here being OCCASIONAL.)

Goal weight by tomorrow- 151.5. Anything less than 152, honestly.

Even LATER...
Well, awesome. My mom took me out to a restaurant after my doctors appointment. It's not like she PURPOSEFULLY did it, but you know- it's really annoying when I'm supposed to be fasting. Even after I told her I felt nauseated, she still expected me to eat. So, I'm sitting there, scooping the cheese out of my tortilla soup (The only thing on the menu NOT fried) and my mother says "Alright, I think you're getting a little weird about your eating." Uh...what? Even somebody who ISN'T trying to fast would be disgusted by the amount of cheese they poured into that bowl of soup. I'm not kidding you, there was like half a cup of cheese in there. I do not want to feel like I'm eating spaghetti because of the sheer amount of melted cheese. But, whatever. I don't want to alarm my mother with my apparently "weird" eating. I just ate around the cheese. Well, as though that wasn't enough, my brother is visiting, and they expect me to eat dinner. Alright, fine, fair enough. My brother is visiting. I just wish they wouldn't involve food in EVERYTHING. It's like, it's not a celebration unless everybody EATS!
Sigh...Well, my calorie total today equals about the same as it does when I'm NOT fasting, so all of my hard work and self control was sort of for naught. But, I had an idea- since I was fasting for the entire day until approximately 3:00 pm, can't I fast for half of the day, tomorrow, too? And just eat one meal a day for awhile? Of course, I'll have to limit that meals total down to about 300 calories, but it's a thought- and not forever, as that's totally unhealthy, but maybe that way I can still get some of the benefits of fasting and still not raise my mom's suspicions too much? (This isn't a very groundbreaking idea, I'm aware, but it was to me- it never occurred to me that I can just fast for part of the day. I figured, all or nothing.)
I'm pretty happy about my "relevation," and I think I'll be doing that for a few days. Some how, I feel better.
And I'm hoping that, despite my fasting failure, my weight tomorrow will still have dropped. Is that too much to hope for, you think?

(Oh and- I'll be able to exercise in one week! Wooooten. :3)

Monday, August 02, 2010

Ugh, as good as my morning started off, I have a premonition that the rest of my day won't go quite as well as yesterday did. In order to NOT totally lose control and binge like a pig, I'm going to allow myself a day of 1500 calorie eating- which is normal, soooo...well, just wanted to make a quick update about that, however dumb and boring it may be.

Later- went to a japanese restaurant with my mother. Ate okay, but it was still a completely illegal amount of food. And then, I ate even more food when I get home. :/ Just going to fast tomorrow, I'll feel better. Maybe I'll fast for two days? I'm not sure. Maybe I'll just fast tomorrow, and then eat less calories the day after...meh, I'll do something. I'm DEFINITELY fasting tomorrow though...unfortunately, I have a doctors appointment tomorrow, and I'm certain my mother will want to go eat after. I'll have to make up some excuse. My stomach is full. I feel like I somehow magically got fatter. :(

152 :D Exactly 20 lbs. to go.

Yes! I was at a standstill of 153 lbs. for a couple of days there, but I'm 152.2 lbs. as of this morning. :D Wooten! That's a new low weight, and exactly 20 lbs. to go to my goal weight. I hope I'll be able to keep losing weight this fast- I know it's a lot to hope for, but it's possible! Isn't it? I'm excited to get down below 150 for the first time in TWO YEARS. I was thinking about it this morning, and really- to all the fatties out there who say that they can't lose weight, stop making up excuses. I have secondary hypothyroidism, one of the rarest thyroid disorders known to man. You want to talk to me about difficulties losing weight? I could talk all DAY about difficulties losing weight! And yet, here I am, down from 180/170 lbs. (I'm not sure...I didn't weigh myself for awhile there...but I was BIG.) No, you don't have to eat 700 calories a day (considered a "crash diet" by most nutritionists, but really considered a lifestyle by me.) to lose weight. Just stop eating so much and exercise. Seriously. It fucking pisses me off when people moan and bitch about how hard it is to lose weight.
Okay, enough of my mini-rant. Yesterday, I went out with my friend E to a consignment shop- which was the most incredible store I have EVER been to. The prices were insanely low, and the clothes were incredibly CUTE! I got some clothes, even though I didn't have to. I can't wait until I fit into smaller sizes- won't that be a dream? My calorie total yesterday stayed at 690, which I was really proud of- sometimes, when I hang out with my friends, I mirror their eating habits and over-eat. And that hard work was reflected on the scale. I also went to HEB last night and got greek yogurt and granola flakes- flakes, because I can crumble them up, and they are 120 calories for 1/2 cup, while all the other granola was 200. (I was so pissed off!) 60 calories for 6 oz. of greek yogurt, plus the 30 calories of honey, will bring that breakfast up to about 150 calories. Yay!

Sunday, August 01, 2010

I have the hiccups SO BAD right now! DAMN!

153 lbs. still. :( Last night, I went to my friends house and she had made salad with roasted chicken and peach cobbler for dessert. Proud of myself that I didn't binge, but I still ate more peach cobbler than I would have liked. :( I tried to compensate a bit by walking it off afterwards, but I know that I only burned off about 90 calories. My abdomen is really sore this morning from all the walking I did yesterday- I think I may have over did it a teensy bit. But that's where ibuprofen comes in handy! :D Anyway, I'm going shopping with my friend E today (She is really thin- like 120 lbs. She's a real inspiration to me to keep losing weight) and hopefully she won't expect me to eat lunch... :P If I have to take this extra strength ibuprofen all day, my appetite is going to be totally dead anyway.
Haven't logged my food intake for the last couple of days- that's boring anyway, but whatever...Sort of went off my "every thing below 100 cals" thing this morning, but I ate all nice (meaning GOOD!) foods, so I'm not that upset about it.

3/4 cup Honey Oats and Almonds Cereal (130 calories)
1/2 cup Light Soy Milk (35 calories)

(I think I might eat some fruit later...maybe...)