Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Well, hello. I know I haven't updated in awhile... But all I can say is, I'm glad to be back.
I went to my therapists office last week and I won't go into details, but she wants me on a 2,000 calorie diet + exercise. She seems to think that I should not try to lose any more weight. Neither does my doctor or my health teacher. They obviously can't see that I'm 150 lbs (more now, but that's for later.) and that's certainly not all muscle.
I even admitted to my friend that I have EDNOS, which was a mistake because now she's going to be watching me. SIGH. I told her that when I thought I wanted to be healthy, and I thought it was a good idea.
Anyway. I didn't eat whatever I wanted for a week. I couldn't do it, I just felt bad. (Recently my appetite has just been unstoppable, though.) However, I have been eating 2000 calories a day and exercising, thinking that would make me happier and would put a stop to my problems. But, just like losing weight does not solve your problems, neither does eating more. I don't even have the happiness of weight loss to satisfy me; I've gained 4 lbs. I used a tape measure last night and I'm about 38-30-38. Gained a tiny bit about my tum, but that's not a biggie- just half an inch. So, thank god I haven't gained too many inches. But just the fact that that four lbs is there pisses me off, whether you can see it or not. What really set me off was on monday, my friend Michele started talking about her new diet. Shes doing the Jenny Craig diet, and she shared her calorie counter book with me. She talked about how she's already lost weight. She was talking about calories, calories, calories, all lunch. I was eating a sandwich, nuts, an ice cream bar, you know, an "average" lunch. She was eating broccoli and cheese. And she would NOT stop talking about calories. I felt just awful. That bad feeling didn't really hit me until yesterday, when I "binged" to make my brain shut up. (I ate 2000 calories yesterday.) So I've made a decision; I'm going to stop trying to eat normally. Who am I trying to kid? My metabolism obviously isn't like anybody else's. I need to do what I feel is good for ME, and stop listening to everybody else. I'm doing a liquid fast for a couple of days- at least, I'm trying. I don't know how well I'm going to be able to stick to it. XD at least I know I won't have anything to binge on, since I ate all my cookies and shit yesterday! Also, I'm going to start on fiber tablets, and diuretics, again. Hopefully I'll lose these 4 lbs. And then more.
(I think that my appetite increases when I hit 150, because my body wants to stay there, and doesn't want to lose any more.) I think that when I hit 150 again, I'm going to take my vyvanse for a week straight to help my appetite NOT increase.
Now, here's the issue- I don't want my metabolism to slow down. I'm reading a book called "Fed-Up!" which talked about the hormones that control our appetite and weight, and there's one called Leptin- which is an important hormone that has something to do with our metabolism (I don't know exactly what it does...I forgot :P.) and apparently those levels drop after just 24 hours of restricting. So our bodies don't enter "starvation mode" after months of restricting- it only takes 1 day for our metabolism to slow. And I do NOT want that. in the alternate day diet again. I keep coming back to that because worked. I know, I know, since last summer it hasn't worked for me, but that's because I haven't been doing it right. So I'm trying YET AGAIN. Wish me luck...

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Friday, April 15, 2011

Really tired...really bored.
Might just take some Nyquil at 10:00 and go to sleep. Waking up early tomorrow morning to ride my bike for a few hours...then to work on my psychology project with my tomorrow is a long day. May dye my hair tonight. Maybe tomorrow night...

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Thursday, April 14, 2011

I've had trouble with my eating recently. I keep eating a lot and feeling guilty and then being too sad to exercise. And so, I've decided what I must do.
One week to eat whatever I want. No guilt. No unhappiness. Exercise, of course, every day. I just need to see what happens. I need to know how it feels again. I need to eat food and reevaluate my relationship with food, and then decide what to do from there.
So, 2000-2500 calories in a day (a lot, I know!) plus 2 hours of exercise. Only until next Monday. Hopefully, by the end of all this, I'll have re-evaluated my relationship with food and exercise, and I won't feel the great need to over-eat any more, and I'll be able to eat 800-900 calories a day again. Wish me luck...

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Don't feed the hipsters.

I have several new things to say.
My weight has remained stable, unfortunately, BUT some how I have lost a lot of inches. I'm 38-29-38 now, and I just bought size 8 jeans. Isn't that weird? I must have gained a lot of muscle or something.
I always wanted to be a size 8. I said that when I got to size 8, I would feel better...but honestly, I don't. I say to myself "Well, you're not a perfect size 8, you can still wear size 10 jeans if you want. So you still need to lose weight until you're REALLY a size 8."
My best friend got mad at me because I said something about how I was sort of worried about myself, and she flipped out because she said that I take things for granted and I don't appreciate any of the things that she would kill for.
There is nothing about my body that any body would kill for. She's a size 14, and when I look at her, I see the exact same body that I have. So I have no idea what the hell she's talking about. I know my scale says 150 pounds, and my jeans say size 8/10, but I'm still fat. I mean come on, 150 lbs-that's massive. I don't care if I'm smaller than I used to be- I'm still fat. I'm going to keep working until I am a PERFECT size 8, and then I guess I'll try for a size 6. I just want to lose weight, for the love...!
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Saturday, April 09, 2011

I think I greyed out today...

...but I'm not sure. This morning I ate 1/2 a cup of dry cereal (60) coffee (20) 1/4 of a grapefruit (30) a piece of candy (25) and a cup of fruit juice (70). I stood up from the couch to go get dressed to go to the gym, stretched a bit and everything went fuzzy and grey. Next thing I knew, I was on my hands and knees. What the fuck? I used to getting a little light headed, that happens all the time even when I eat normally, but never in my life have I actually collapsed. All I know was that I didn't eat all that much last night, (though I DID eat!) or that much all of yesterday for that matter, but to suddenly collapse? And I'm not even thin! I'm 150 lbs- my body should be doing fine. But, as sick as it sounds, I'm sort of happy about it. In the, yay, that's right!
They just starting playing "Creep" in the gym. It must be a sign. (XD just kidding. But a lot of pro-ana girls use that song as thinspo, and I find that funny.)
Only doing 30 minutes on the treadmill at the gym...but I did 40 minutes on my bike before hand, so I guess that's pretty good.

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Friday, April 08, 2011

I'm slowly starting to figure this out, find what works for me. I ate 2,000 calories yester ay (sorry if I misspell some wor s, the key next to the "s" on the keyboar isn't working on my computer...if I can I'll try to fin another way to say things so I won't have to use that letter. It may start working again, though.) an was sort of annoye by that. But, to ay is a new ay. I have been rea ing a book by the title of "Water with Lemon." It's a "health fiction" novel, meaning a fiction novel about some person losing weight. They "eat healthy" an lose weight by "not counting calories." I mean, that may work for some people, but not for me. I woul n't be able to go back to eating normally like that all the time anyway. But it inspired me nonetheless.
I may not be eating very much, but I should still eat things that are good for my body. I still need to SORT of take care of my body. Maybe I'm not eating "enough" by most doctors standards, but I choose to eat this little. But like I said, that doesn't mean that when I do eat, I have to eat shit. And so, I've decided to follow a few new things.
*800 through 900 calories a day most days.
*If I wake up one morning wanting to eat, I let myself eat 1500 calories without guilt.
*No more soda, candy, or gross pastries, or overly processe foo .
*Eat more fruit, veggies, nuts, an eggs.
*consume more fruit  uices. Even though that's more calories, you can always water it  own.

I'll probably think of more later. :) Tata for now!

Tuesday, April 05, 2011

I woke up this morning, expecting to be alarmed about what I did last night, but surprisingly enough I wasn't. I don't even know why I did it. I was expecting to restrict today, plus go to the gym, so It would make up for my binge last night (I was with my niece, and she wanted cookies and ice cream, and so we got them. And I was really hungry.) And I didn't even purge all that I had eaten. I just wanted to see if I could do it. Ugh. I really don't want to be bulimic. I guess I just want a back-up plan for when I do binge. But I will try to stay strong and not engage in bulimic disorders. I have a metallic taste in my mouth...I'm assuming from the vomiting.
This morning I ate a couple of bites of coco puffs (30 cals) coffee (15) and an egg. (70) so breakfast was 115 calories total...pretty good. I won't won't WON'T eat lunch, I'll just stay at school and read a book in the library through the lunch hour.
And then hopefully I won't binge at home...and I'll go to the gym and work off about 900 cals. So, even if I eat 900 cals today, it'll be okay because I'm working off a lot of it. :) Wish me luck!

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Monday, April 04, 2011

So today, I sort of ate SORT of normally...I thought, maybe I'm better? Maybe my brain suddenly switched and I've spontaneously recovered? Maybe I've gotten better just as quickly as I got worse. Well, I started out the day thinking of that...and end the day knowing that I definitely have not. How can I know that so certainly?
I purged today. Binged first, of course, on probably a thousand calories- Oreos, Cheetoes, ice cream- took a shower, and just thought, what the hell. May as well try.
It was surprisingly simple. Just used a large spoon, and a couple of gags and- oops, there goes a cookie. I didn't purge very much- probably barely 1/4 of what I ate- but I still did it. And I'm sure I'll do it again.

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Sunday, April 03, 2011

My cat spilled water on my now it is completely destroyed. The keyboard won't work at all. So I'm updating my phone.
Today, I have been eating completely normally. Strange, eg? When I woke up this morning, of course I just drank coffee, but for some reason...I wanted to eat. I felt no need to restrict. So far today, I've had a bowl of cereal, coffee, a bit of candy, and an egg sandwich. I have no desire to binge, and no desire to's so weird, it's like my brain just...gave me a break. So odd...I like it, but I hope it's not permanent.

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Friday, April 01, 2011

Are Eating Disorders a Lifestyle?

Can an eating disorder be a lifestyle? So many people seem to believe so. It is such an offensive idea, but I can't help but entertain it.
I know that eating disorders are dangerous and life-threatening. But, there are varying degrees of it. There're the "lifestylers"- those who restrict eating, and don't push it to the end of their life. Those who live with it.
Those who die from anorexia have severe anorexia, and somewhere along the way lost control of it. Their mental disorders destroyed their body, brains, and killing them. But there are some who can LIVE with an eating disorder- there are those who eat enough, barely, to survive.
I'm so sorry to those with severe eating disorders. They are hell. But, I also believe that maybe, just maybe, I can LIVE with an eating disorder....forever.

300 calories today. I ate a rice cake, unfortunately, and two small candies, but all the rest was liquid. :3 Didn't even take Vyvanse today! Let's hope I can make it the rest of the night without eating. I should be able to...
Idk how tomorrow's going to go. I'm hanging out with my friend so I may have to eat something so she won't worry but...I don't know. I'll try to restrict as much as I can. I'm thinking coffee (35) and a rice cake (50) for breakfast, a salad (100) for lunch and a soy chicken patty (80), green beans (20) and maybe another rice cake (50) for dinner, with popcorn (100) for snacking throughout the day. And bike riding for exercise....I might go for a bike ride now, actually!
Working off that horrible binge yesterday...