I Give Up

Crocheting. :)


I'm giving myself up to this yearning. 
I'm giving myself up to this. 
This this burning desire inside of me, this voice that is me but is not quite me, that I've been struggling with. 
Forcing it down. 
Over eating, like a pig, just to prove that I won't listen. 
But I'm giving myself up. To it, to her, to whatever it is. 
I'm not unhappy with this epiphany. It actually makes me very happy. It comforts me. it makes me feel good, knowing that soon My body will be different. My body will be the way I want it to be. 
My body, and my mind. 
My mind, my eating disorder. 
My control. 
My happiness. 
My comfort. 


I've been working on a book for the last few days. I've been gluing inspiring pictures into a blank notebook and excercises. Things like yoga, pilates, stuff like that. :D 


Part of me wishes I never went down this road. Part of me wishes I'd never stumbled across 'pro-ana' sites. I was young. I was stupid. 
but at the same time, I'm glad I did. 


More crocheting. (making a baby blanket for my sister in law. It's a girl!)

137.5

Your Score- 74%
65-75% There is strong evidence of an eating disorder. You may be suffering from full-blown bulimia, or you may be in the midst of anorexia. Your answers indicate a high risk for further medical and psychological complications. Please seek a full medical evalutation immediately; counselling is also highly recommended. Your health may be significantly at risk.


I am 137.5 lbs. 10 lbs. to goal weight. Honestly, I know in  my heart that I will probably not be happy at this weight. I always dreamt of being under 140 lbs. Now that I am it doesn't even matter. 
I'm still fat. 

Getting

All I need is to get back on track. :)
I've been bingeing like a pig for the last few days. I used my period as an excuse. 
But all I need is to get back on track and I'll start properly losing weight again. 
I don't even want to say how much I weighed this morning. 
I'm re-starting my eating plan though. (More on that later.)

I'm on my period
Of course that means I'm using it as an excuse to eat whatever I want.
I'm sure I've gained weight. I know that overeating is making me fucking fatter than ever
but I can't stop.