Sunday, August 23, 2009

The Real Model

I'm so glad that there's finally some picture of a normal woman on in a magazine. I love how everybody says "plus-sized" for a woman who's a size 12...Whitney, one of the winners of America's Next Top Model is considered a "plus-sized" model, although she is 130 lbs. No wonder so many girls are anorexic! I saw a picture of a disney princess, and even she was super thin. Her waist was tiny and her breasts were huge and perky...she was completely unrealistic. And this is the sort of thing my niece looks at? Great. Thanks for supporting unrealistic body images.
2 pieces of toast (180 calories)
1 tblspn Earth Butter (80 calories)
1 egg (70 calories)
Ketchup (15 calories)
Lean Cuisine French Bread Pizza (330 calories)
17 Baby Carrots (35 calories)
Mid-Day Snack;

Today is the last day of my summer. I'm going to school tomorrow, and hopefully I can act like I'm confident in my body even thought I'm not. I'm making a bracelet that will hopefully remind me of who I want to be.

Friday, August 21, 2009

According to my mother, the world is a supermodel.

Hey. I'm taking a little break from reading The Grapes of Wrath to write this. As fantastic as the book is, after reading all day, my brain is tired of reading the words. I've finished about half of it in two days...:( I planned on reading 10 chapters a day so that I can have 2 days to write the essay, but some of the chapters are waaaay longer than others. I read 10 one day, then only seven yesterday. Chapter 20 is a long-ass chapter, it's like a book in and of itself. Then I have TWO two page essays to write, double spaced thank god. I started one but got stuck. Anyway, I'm done with my week long "metabolism stabalizing"diet, and I couldn't be happier. I felt like I was gaining weight although I was only eating 1500 calories. Well, I'm back to 1200 calories. Here's what I've eaten today so far;
Honey Nut Cheerios w/ milk (of course [150 calories])
1/4 cup milk (25 calories)
1/2 cup milk (50 calories)
Egg salad (165 calories)
Piece of toast (120 calories)
Fritos (160 calories)
Mid-day snack;
1 cup cherries w/ pits (74 calories)
1 Special K Strawberry Bar (90 calories)
1 can of black beans (385 calories)
1 slice Veggie Slices cheese (35 calories)
Bedtime Snack;
3 Tablespoons Ground Beef Stirfry
1/2 cup baby carrots
1 tsp hummus.

Yeah, I've had three cups of coffee today...
I've noticed that my mother always comments on how pretty my friencds are to me. A lot of my friends are "the pretty one." When I talk about them she says, "Oh, is that the pretty one?"or "I remember her, she was pretty." She talks about my sister in law the same way, to, always talks about her and how perfect she is, how skinny she is, how she can eat anything and still be skinny and beautiful, how long and luxurious her eyelashes are, and how beautiful she is.
Now, I don't mean to brood here, but I've also noticed that she never talks about me that way. She's never told me that I was pretty; she once told me that I was actually "Okay looking." But she talks about my sister in law with almost wistfulness. One of these days I'm going to ask her if she would like to adopt her as her own daughter. How come all of my friends are "pretty" but I'm just okay?
Well, I guess I think the same way now. I look at the pictures of all of my friends, and they are all pretty to me. Prettier than I.
Well, I'm okay-looking. Sometimes. I guess that's all I can hope for. It'd be nice to hear I'm pretty, but that's not the most important thing. Anyway, I sure as hell won't hear it from my mother.

So, if you've noticed, I had a bed time snack today, which I don't usually eat. I was really hungry for some's probably because I ate only beans for dinner. (What? I was reading The Grapes of Wrath all day and it made me crave them.) Well, the hunger got to be a little bit distracting, and that's where the game begins. I go downstairs to find out my mother has made this delicious meaty concoction using our leftovers, and I grab a tablespoon and shovel a spoonfull down and...oh, my god, it was delicious. It was so meaty and juicy...and it had beans and veggies in it...all of my favorite things! However, I ate only three tablespoons of that deliciousness too sooth my hunger pains, like medicine, and then scooped the rest into a tupperware for lunch tomorrow. Then, into the fridge to grab some baby carrots and hummus to completely rid myself of hunger. I can't wait until I'm down to 132, when I can eat 1500 calories a day. My meals are divvied up so oddly to fit in 1200 calories...180 calories for breakfast on average, about 400 for lunch, then 180 calories for my mid-day snack and the rest goes to dinner. I think I should switch the calories around for my lunch and breakfast, because I always get hungry in the mid morning. My mid-day snack and my lunch are awfully close together, too...Yeah, I should eat 300 calories for breakfast and 280 calories for lunch, I think. Now I just have to figure out some lunch meals to fit into the 280 calorie quota!
Bye, bye.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

It's working!

Okay, well, tomorrow is the last day of my 1500 calorie eating. I'm starting to feel uncomfortable with it; I can't wait to getting back to eating 1200 calories. Is that weird? I just like the feeling I get, and it's sort of a control thing. I haven't really been working out, either, and I don't know why...nothing's stopping me. Whatever, as soon as I get back to eating 1200 calories a day, I'm sure I'll be more motivated to excercise. And, another person commented on my weight loss! Great! :D It's working...terrific!

Sunday, August 16, 2009

The slower it takes for weight to come off, the more likely you are to keep it off.

Today is my nieces birthday party! Yippee...I'll get out of the house, at least, and have a lot of fun, at best. I skipped breakfast to get ahead. I know, they all say not to skip out on breakfast, but seriously...there's going to be pizza, cake, and not to mention all the movie food. I'm thinking that it's safe to say I won't need any extra calories. Now I just need to find the self control not to pig out...teehee. I'm sure I will, I'm starting to develop some pretty good self control.
I woke up early this morning although I didn't want to. I love doing things I don't want to that weird? It doesn't make any sense. I just love working against myself, against my body told me that it was tired, but I drug myself out of bed anyway and didn't return. Albeit, it seems slightly self destructive.
I made myself my coffee and watched a program about the universe, completely awed at how fucking smart these people are. Then, I took a shower and put my hair in braids while they dry. If I didn't do that, my hair would completely explode all over the place in a frizz should have seen me before I figured this trick out!

Oh my god, oh my god. This is the most brilliant weight now officially begins with the numbers 1 and 5! I have been waiting for this moment for months...nothing tastes as good as this does. That sounds so ana, but it's true. I've worked so hard and fallen off of the wagon so many times, and almost given up, but it's so worth it when I see the results on the scale. I stepped on the scale, feeling a bit self destructive, and totally expected to see the red needle of death pointing to 162 since I've felt so naughty lately, but I saw 160. I was a teensy bit dissapointed, since that's what I had weighed the last weigh-in, but so glad that I could see that low weight again. I kept getting off and on to be absolutely sure, and then I noticed that the needle wasn't properly calibrated, meaning it wasn't pointing to zero, it was pointing to about 2. So, I zeroed it in, and got back on...and almost cried. 158. Sweet jesus, I know it's not great, but it feels great. I had been worried that I was plateauing, since my weight always stayed at around 160, 162. But it seems to me that if I do a bit of caloric confusion (I eat slightly more calories than I normally do) my metabolism actually speeds up. Haha, and to think that I discovered this by accident! Then again, I do have to remind myself that for the last 3 or so days, I haven't been working out like I might of lost a bit of muscle weight, too. Oh, fuck it, just let me be happy that I lost weight! You have no idea how glad I am that my weight is in the 150's, even just 158. It'll be so fucking great when I'm down to 155...then 152...then 150....ooh, god, I feel like my goal is in reach for the first time since I started! I will deserve the pizza, cake, and movie food I plan on consuming today.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Well, after a quite naughty couple of days, I feel very...unqualified to write in this blog. There was no binging, but I could definitely feel that sense of loss of control that one gets during a binge. If I had just said, f#ck it, I would have definitely gone on a complete binge...but thankfully, I had the self control to stop it in it's tracks. I probably consumed about 1600 calories the last two days, a very dissapointing total, indeed. At least I'm not gaining weight...I'm frustrated with myself, though, I can still feel the extra calories from the last two days floating around in my's a weird feeling. It doesn't feel right. And what makes it worse is that whenever I get this feeling, it's impossible to exercise. Anyway...can I rant for a minute?
How is it that teenagers are becoming the most hated and discriminated against demographic in America? I mean, seriously, it's frustrating. I get it, a lot of us ARE snot-nosed brats, but that's not our fault. It's our job to be snot nosed brats...we don't have to deal with the responsibilities of adulthood. So what matters the most is high school drama. Because THAT IS what matters the most to us. We don't really have anything else to compare it to...well, I'm really just playing the devil's advocate. I'm not that way, of course...I'm annoyed by those type of teenagers, too, but I'm also annoyed by the people that pick on them. Well...enough of that.
Honey Nut Cheerios w/ Milk (150 calories)
Soy Milk (25 calories)
2 Pieces of Toast (240 calories)
Peanut Butter (180 calories)
Mid-Day Snack;
1 Fudge Pop (120 calories)
Amy's Especial Burrito (270 calories)
Fritos (160 calories)
Popsicle (30 calories)
Pretzels (110 calories)

Tomorrow is my nieces birthday, and we are going to CC's pizza, and then a movie. Shit. I'm just praying to god to that I will not totally pig out and gain a lb. Please, please god, don't let me lose control. Pizza...and then movie food...yummmy. But so many calories.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Hola. I had a semi-busy day. I did mostly house hold chores, you know, laundry, dishes, giving my dog a bath, etc. Here's what I ate;
Small Bagel (110 calories)
1 tblspn whipped Cream Cheese (40 calories)
Kashi Chicken Rustico Pocket (300 calories)
1 cup Progresso High Fiber Chicken Tuscany Soup (130 calories)
Mid-Day Snack/Random snack;
3 Laffy Taffy Mini Bars (96 calories)
4 Mini Pretzels (22 calories)

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

My pants fit!

Good morning, my lovelies. Every time I write a salutation on my blog, I feel embarrassed because nobody is reading it. So who am I talking to?
Today is going to be a good day. I'm going to go to my new school, which always makes me happy. I'm also just happy to get out of the fucking house. Rargh, I really hate having to stay at home all the time.
Bowl of HEB Maple and Brown Sugar Oatmeal (160 calories)
1/4 cup soy milk (25 calories)
Cup of Broccoli and Cheese Soup (263. 6 calories)
House Salad w/o cheese (170 calories)
Mid-Day Snack;
1 Hershey's Special Dark Chocolate Bar (180 calories)
Bowl of High Fiber Chicken Tuscany Soup (130 calories)
Piece of Toast w/ 1/2 tsp smart balance (130 calories)
Piece of Cinnamon Toast (for dessert! {130 calories)

Oh, and I forgot to tell you something. I have this pair of pants that I used to wear, they are pinstripe slacks and they are absolutely amazing. They were one of my favorite pair of pants, but when I ballooned to 170, I couldn't fit in them any longer. A month ago I tried to put them on and I could get them on, but I couldn't button them...well, although they are way too tight about the waist and I would never dream of wearing them in public, I got them zipped and buttoned! Great! I am so happy. I can't wait until I start wearing them again. I have three pairs of pants that I love but can't wear any more...I can't wait to start wearing them again.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Being Adelle

Well, I decided to share a little bit of something with you. Adelle isn't my real name, duh; it's a pseudonym, and a great one. Adelle is the better me, the one who drives, who is 132 lbs., who is happy. Adelle is intelligent and kind, and really unique. I feel like I'm these things, but I need to be the best I can be. She is the one I want to be. I got the idea because I always wanted to change my name, because I hate the one I have. This is not the person that I want to be. I don't want to be overweight. This idea of me being a better person, being Adelle, is something that motivates me. I know it sounds completely insane, but it's true. :D

This last weekend, I got a fantastic compliment that I would like to just revel in. My friend, who doesn't easily give out compliments, told me that the reason that I look so EXTREMELY BUSTY and most comments about me involve my breasts is because my D cup boobs are out of proportion with the rest of my body. She told me that the rest of my body was actually really small, and my waist is tiny. I felt so happy, because I love busty women with tiny waists. Later on, she told me that I don't even look chubby, I just don't look skinny. That was just brilliant. I'm happy that I don't look chubby- I still look good, even though I'm overweight. How great will I look when I'm 132? We'll see! I really hope my breasts don't get smaller as the rest of me does.
te Bar (180 calories)

Did you hear that Jessica Simpson lost 10 lbs. in 10 days? They were flaunting that on the cover of some magizine. Fucking great, good job promoting more unhealthy dieting. When you lose weight so quickly like that, it'll come right back. God, can't anybody understand that? She probably just went on a crash diet.

Green Day concert!

Last night I went to the Green Day concert, and it was incredible. It was definitely worth the money and the nervousness. Not only was the music awesome, but it made me realize a few things about myself, too. For example; I can't be everybody's buddy. That is not my personality. I tried to be that way. I went to the concert last night with this completely vapid, boy crazy airhead, and it just made me frustrated to the point of near tears. I'll have to remember that for future reference. Anyway, yesterday I did pretty well. I grazed a little bit, but I was hanging out with my friend, who doesn't have meals set at certain times like I do. And you know how it is; if you see somebody else eating, you have to chow a bit, too!
Breakfast (9 August)
1 cup Honey Nut Cheerios w/ milk. (200 calories)
Amy's Cheese Pizza Pocket (310 calories)
Broccoli w/ organic earth butter (60 calories)
Mid-Day Snack;
Dumpling (40.8 calories)
6 mini pretzels (30 calories)
Tostitos Tortilla Chips (140 calories)
Artichoke and Jalepeno Dip (100 calories)
16 French Fries (356 calories)
Fried Chicken Strip (116 calories)
Total- 1356
So, I was a little dissapointed in the french fries. But the rest of it was okay. I was hanging out with my friend all day, and we went on a couple of walks.

Food (10 August)
Honey Nut Cheerios w/ milk. (150 calories)
Small Tangerine (37 calories)
Turkey Wrap (185 calories)
Lay's Potato Chips (150 calories)
Small Tangerine (37 calories)
Mid-day snack;
10 Mini Pretzels w/ melted soy cheese (125 calories)
6 oz steak (219 calories)
Boiled potatoes (110 calories)
Broccoli (20 calories)
1.5 tblspn Smart Balance (75 calories)
Total- 1108

Saturday, August 08, 2009

I decided to start sharing what I eat. Mostly because it'll just be another way to make sure I don't cheat. I'll think "Do I really want to have to write this down on my blog?"
1 cup Strawberry Smoothie (104.6 calories)
1/4 cup Soy Milk (in coffee, 25 calories)
Quick Mid-morning munch;
2.5 Triscuits (40 calories)
2 Small Bagel Pizzas w/ Soy Cheese (470 calories)
Mid-day snack;
7 Triscuits (120 calories)
1 teaspoon of each of the following- peanut butter, tomato sauce, strawberry jam, and artichoke dip. (225 calories)

Friday, August 07, 2009

Well, my imaginary readers, I'd like to share this recipe with you that I found online. It sounds pretty freaking fantastic, and since I've all the ingredients, I'm going to try it out tomorrow morning. This isn't my recipe- here's the link to the orgininal.
Melissa's Tasty Strawberry Smoothie Recipe
- 1 cup of skim milk (90 calories)
- 1/3 cup of stirred plain yogurt (45 calories)
- 5 medium strawberries (25 calories!)
- 4 packets (or 2 tbsp) Splenda (0 calories!)
- 1 cup of crushed ice (0 calories)
- 1 tsp of vanilla extract (0 calories)
- Cut the 'stems' off the strawberries and cut them in 1/2
- Put all ingredients in a blender, all at once
- Blend until there are no big ice chunks left
- This batch makes *TWO* servings!!
I've never had something so perfectly sweet, healthy, and yummy!!
Hopefully someone makes this and enjoys it as much as we did!
All ingredients are 160 calories, so it's only 80 calories per serving!! Each serving is approx. 9oz


She's also a blog which I'm following.

I love walking. Why don't I do it more often? I don't know, I guess I forget that I love it. Well, hopefully I'll be able to force myself to get up early tomorrow morning and go for an early walk. The way I've been sleeping lately, it should be really easy. I completely forgot to write the details of my health program thing...I'm trying to eat 1200 calories a day, which I've been pretty much successful at, and excercising off 200 calories a day, which gives me a deficit of 500 calories a day.
Well, my day begins at a late 5:37 am. I woke up this early yesterday, too, only yesterday I promptly fell back asleep and proceeded to sleep until noon. Today, I'm not so lucky. I don't understand why I've been sleeping so terribly recently.
I haven't really been one to worry much. While everybody else was fretting over something or another, I was always the one who was sitting back and thinking "Why is everybody so stressed? It's just a test (or quiz, or whatever)." But I can't help but think that maybe my insecurities about starting another school year at a new school is what's bothering me. What else could it be?
I think that I just think to much. From the second I wake to the moment...or moments, as the case may be...I fall asleep, I'm just thinking about stuff. Mostly about my interactions with other people and whether or not they were the right ones, blah blah blah. Really stupid stuff, you know?
I'm mostly ashamed of myself for some reason or another. Embarrassed is the word, actually. Like, "I shouldn't have said that to so and so," or "I shouldn't have done that, that was dumb." It all goes round and round until I need a Vicodin badly. It's really irritating.
Okay, let me tell you really what's up.
I just went out with my friend, but I still feel lonely. It's pissing me off big time. I just feel so ashamed that I spend most of my time alone, watching television. What's so bad about me that nobody wants to hang out with me, or even talk to me? What's wrong with me? I don't know. I don't know when or if things are going to get better.

Thursday, August 06, 2009

blah blah

I've been abusing my blog lately. Sorry about that.
WTF am I talking about? I haven't dissapointed anybody...nobody's reading this, what does it matter? I could stop writing this and it wouldn't matter. Whatever...All I'm looking for is a little support you know? Somebody somewhere is going through the same things I am and I would like to have some contact with them. But I guess that you can't always get what you want.
Anyway, just saw Julie and Julia. Great movie, it was the first viewing in my area. I won the tickets because I ate candy faster than this one other chick...I didn't, really, I still had some candy left on the wrapper, but the guy who called it was in love with me apparently. You know what happens when you go to the movies food! I had 4 medium sized cookies, a hot dog, some popcorn, and a SoyJoy bar. I also had a diet Dr. Pepper. I wanted water, but I thought I was going to share with somebody else, and I knew the girls I were with didn't like water, but as it turned out they had their own drinks.
Also, a couple of days ago marks an important milestone. I stepped on the scale one morning, since I hadn't weighed myself in awhile, and I saw that beautiful needle point to 160 lbs. on the dot. That is the first time in a long time that I've seen that! Yes, I've SAID that I weight 160 lbs., but I was rounding...down, unfortunately. Of course, when I weighed myself a couple of days later, it said I was 162 lbs., but weight fluctuates. Oi vei! Why does it fluctuate? Why can't you just be one weight? Don't answer that...
I've not been so good lately about eating right. I've been baking cookies a lot (it's the only thing that's really fun to do with my niece, and I found a delicious recipe online), plus add on todays mini binge, and I feel like I've totally failed. I probably haven't, it's probably not nearly as bad as I think.