Friday, March 18, 2011

Galen, Scars, and Somnolence

I hung out with Galen* yesterday. Just went to his house to see him. Does it count as a date if we didn't leave the house or eat or really do anything productive at all? We just made out. Made out in my car, made out in his living room, made out in his bedroom, made out in his hallway on the way to the kitchen, made out in the kitchen, made out in the shed in his back yard...XD
It took me so long to build up the courage to take off my dress. I wanted to so badly, obviously, but the whole time I just...couldn't do it. By the time I mentioned it to him, the people that are fixing up his house showed up, so we had to find some where else. (that explains the shed in his back yard.) That's where I took off the dress.
It took me awhile. I kept explaining to him why it was so hard for me, and of course he kept saying, "It's nothing. Your scars aren't going to change my opinion of you. You're scars are beautiful because they're a part of you." I believed him, was still difficult. Well, long story short, I showed him my scars, and he didn't care. I had to leave shortly afterwards, but I was glad that I got over the scar barrier. That will make it so much easier next time.

Last time I went on a date with him, I found his intense liking for me to be very inspiring. To be healthy, I mean. I thought, he thinks I'm beautiful even at this weight, so why should I try to lose more weight? I should just be happy with myself the way I am!
But this time, my reaction completely changed. He still likes me just the way I am and everything, but instead of using that as an excuse not to change, I'm using that as an excuse to change. I mean, if he thinks I'm beautiful the way I am now, how beautiful will he think I am when I'm 10 lbs. slimmer?

But, problem. As you know, I'm hanging out with my friend Kennedy*, who is a "recovering" anoretic. She's scarily slim, and I always encourage her to eat more. I've been trying to eat a more balanced diet with her around because I don't want to trigger her, but of course I talked to her about it and of course she noticed my eating patterns. Last night she asked me what I had eaten that day, and I told her, (ashamed of myself because I had eaten way more than I should have.) Three pieces of candy for breakfast, coffee, three more pieces of candy in the car, some juice at Galens house, three MORE pieces of candy on the way back from Galens house (It's fourty five minutes away), a piece of cornbread and some honey, and a mini pizza. About 1300 calories. She said to me, "No offense, but you're stressing me out. You're picking up some anorexic eating habits, and it's scaring me. I don't want you to do this to yourself because you're beautiful just the way you are. I want you to be healthy." :( I remember a time when that would have made me say, "Oh my gosh she's right. I should start being healthy again." But's like I just can't do it. I just can't. I can't say "Oh em gee, I'm unhealthy what am I doing to myself!" Because I'm 150 lbs. I have way too much fat to be in danger. I just feel like, it's okay for me because I could go awhile without eating. I know that's a stupid thing to say because starving yourself is unhealthy no matter what size you are, but...I still can't. I just can't make myself eat again. It's sort of frightening.

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