Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Well, hello. I know I haven't updated in awhile... But all I can say is, I'm glad to be back.
I went to my therapists office last week and I won't go into details, but she wants me on a 2,000 calorie diet + exercise. She seems to think that I should not try to lose any more weight. Neither does my doctor or my health teacher. They obviously can't see that I'm 150 lbs (more now, but that's for later.) and that's certainly not all muscle.
I even admitted to my friend that I have EDNOS, which was a mistake because now she's going to be watching me. SIGH. I told her that when I thought I wanted to be healthy, and I thought it was a good idea.
Anyway. I didn't eat whatever I wanted for a week. I couldn't do it, I just felt bad. (Recently my appetite has just been unstoppable, though.) However, I have been eating 2000 calories a day and exercising, thinking that would make me happier and would put a stop to my problems. But, just like losing weight does not solve your problems, neither does eating more. I don't even have the happiness of weight loss to satisfy me; I've gained 4 lbs. I used a tape measure last night and I'm about 38-30-38. Gained a tiny bit about my tum, but that's not a biggie- just half an inch. So, thank god I haven't gained too many inches. But just the fact that that four lbs is there pisses me off, whether you can see it or not. What really set me off was on monday, my friend Michele started talking about her new diet. Shes doing the Jenny Craig diet, and she shared her calorie counter book with me. She talked about how she's already lost weight. She was talking about calories, calories, calories, all lunch. I was eating a sandwich, nuts, an ice cream bar, you know, an "average" lunch. She was eating broccoli and cheese. And she would NOT stop talking about calories. I felt just awful. That bad feeling didn't really hit me until yesterday, when I "binged" to make my brain shut up. (I ate 2000 calories yesterday.) So I've made a decision; I'm going to stop trying to eat normally. Who am I trying to kid? My metabolism obviously isn't like anybody else's. I need to do what I feel is good for ME, and stop listening to everybody else. I'm doing a liquid fast for a couple of days- at least, I'm trying. I don't know how well I'm going to be able to stick to it. XD at least I know I won't have anything to binge on, since I ate all my cookies and shit yesterday! Also, I'm going to start on fiber tablets, and diuretics, again. Hopefully I'll lose these 4 lbs. And then more.
(I think that my appetite increases when I hit 150, because my body wants to stay there, and doesn't want to lose any more.) I think that when I hit 150 again, I'm going to take my vyvanse for a week straight to help my appetite NOT increase.
Now, here's the issue- I don't want my metabolism to slow down. I'm reading a book called "Fed-Up!" which talked about the hormones that control our appetite and weight, and there's one called Leptin- which is an important hormone that has something to do with our metabolism (I don't know exactly what it does...I forgot :P.) and apparently those levels drop after just 24 hours of restricting. So our bodies don't enter "starvation mode" after months of restricting- it only takes 1 day for our metabolism to slow. And I do NOT want that. in the alternate day diet again. I keep coming back to that because worked. I know, I know, since last summer it hasn't worked for me, but that's because I haven't been doing it right. So I'm trying YET AGAIN. Wish me luck...

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