It's bittersweet, of course. It is sad that I
Have to come back; but it's happy that I have a place to go when I need it. I've lost 10 pounds in the last two weeks after gaining ten pounds. I went back to being an omnivore. *glares* I'm back to vegetarianism. I haven't been conscious of my eating. I didn't do it on purpose; I didn't "force" my self to stop eating. I didn't think "IM GOING BACK TO NOT EATING, DAMMIT!" Nope, I just did. *shrugs* and I get sick pleasure about seeing the weight fall off. I get pleasure getting on the scale and seeing "158," "156", "152," "150." after spending so long at 160. I want to get down to 140, maybe 130.
I am not depressed. I am not anxious. I take my pills every day like I'm supposed to, and I'm happy. I'm not letting it take control of my life; I'm not exercising impulsively. I just don't eat that often. Sometimes I do, sometimes I'll get stoned and have some junk food, sometimes when I go out with my friends I'll get an egg sandwich. When I'm offered a piece of chOcOlate, I take it. Food doesn't scare me. I just don't seek it out. I just don't feel the desire to eat. I forget that I don't eat; I just realized that I haven't eaten all day and I don't think of it.
It gives me a sense of control, I think, but not a sense of punishment. I don't hate my body. I'm comfortable in it, I'm happy with it. I just want to be skinnier. When I eat a lot, I don't get upset; it helps with my metabolism. I don't know what this is. I don't know. But I feel that right now, it's good for me.