Friday, August 20, 2010


148.8 lbs. :) I ate a damn fucking cupcake last night at 1 in the morning- so, technically it was my breakfast. About 200 calories. I'm going to eat 200 calories for lunch and 200 calories for dinner and that's it- 600 calories for the day.
Sometimes I wonder why I'm doing this. I'm not wannarexic- I don't want an eating disorder, I don't HAVE an eating disorder. I just want to lose weight, be pure, pretty, and have control. I guess that sounds funny, almost anorexic, but...I look into my past and I see all the mistakes I made, how many times I lost control, how long it took me to lose even one pound and I don't want to go back to that at all.
I didn't do yoga last night. I stayed up until 1:00 talking to the G-Man, so I was totally shattered and couldn't wait to fall asleep. <3 that boy.
Going out with him today, if you forgot. He seems to really like me, he keeps telling Ian how awesome I am. :D I'm so friggin happy.
It's really surreal. He asked me last night, "What do you think this is? Just friends or what?" And, me being a genius, answered "Well, I'm assuming that it's a date." (Since I knew that he holds me at such a high esteem.) He said, "Oh, good, that's what I assumed too, but I just didn't want to be weird." And he was so excited! That's so fucking weird. Somebody actually LIKES me? He's seen me, he knows what I look like and he's seen my body and he's seen me eat, and yet he still wants to date me. And if he wants to date me, then that means he's thought about me, he's thought about holding my hand, kissing me, hugging me.
I'm sort of freaking out right now. This goes against everything I believe- Body Dysmorphia has been like a religion to me, just as anorexia is like a religion to some anoretics. Touching and kissing and having somebody think you're great is STRICTLY AGAINST RELIGIOUS LAW when it comes to BDD. And yet, here I am, going on a date with a boy. : / It's a good thing I'm "recovered" from BDD. (I put recovered in quotes because, just like with any psychological disorder, you can never truly be recovered. It's always with you.) I don't know if I could have handled this just three months ago.
Wish me luck, ladies. And have a day as beautiful as yourselves.

1 comment:

  1. I'm totally with you on that one- I just want to be thin, in control,light... I see all of the mistakes, slip up, and failures in the past, & I don't want to go back there ever again. I've told my folks before, "I'd rather die than be fat."

    It seems like it takes ages to lose weight. I could go down to 130 pounds, binge ONCE, and gain 5 back...then it's like a month before I'm back down to 130 again. Just one little mistake can ruin a whole month's work.

    I'm not completely sure if I have BDD- I mean, I've never been "formally" diagnosed with that or my bulimia (I just used my common sense to figure that out). Hmm...I don't know...

    I can't wait until I meet a guy who likes me, but I'm also afraid of that at the same time. I don't like the thought of someone putting there hands on me, touching me, kissing me, or cuddling with me. A boyfriend in my past liked to always put his hands around my waist & I didn't like that at all because I'm so self-concious about my body.

    Well, anyways...
    I hope you have an awesome time on your date =)