Tuesday, March 08, 2011

I'm Back.

I'm back.
Of course.
I tried doing the whole  "1400-1800 calories a day plus exercise" thing, but...I didn't lose weight. I didn't really notice any difference at all. I said, of course not, I'll just keep trying. Well, I went to a doctor a while ago and he told me not to obsess, to eat healthy and exercise. He told me not to count calories any more, and to not exercise obsessively. He basically told me that I was healthy and that I didn't really need to lose weight, and I should just work on being as healthy as I can. Well, I panicked. I tried to stop counting calories, and I actually didn't for about a week...but, at the end of every day, I felt disappointed in myself. I would say, "I didn't eat healthy enough today. I have to do better tomorrow." And I would try to eat healthy without counting calories, but I either I counted calories in my head or I felt gross. I went to lunch with my friend Colin and told him about what my doctor said, and Colin said "Well, just stop it when it gets dangerous, then," like it was so obvious. I mean, just the way he said it, like it was so obviously not dangerous yet, and how I should starve myself because I'm so fat. I mean, I know that's not what he meant but...that's what it felt like. Well, then I went to my psychiatrist and she renewed my perscription to Vyvanse and...that's sort of where things have gone downhill. I haven't really had much of an appetite. I just don't want to eat anything. It's like, I don't want to eat unhealthy because I'm afraid to gain weight, so I want to find something healthy...but nothing really seems healthy enough. I eat bites of things here and there, maybe a bit of a doughnut, a salad, a granola bar or some nuts, but the bites of anything unhealthy makes me feel bad, so I think "As long as I don't eat a lot I should still be okay." I've taken Vyvanse a couple of times, but even when I don't take it, I just have no appetite. I thought about doing the alternate day diet again, since that seemed to work pretty well, but whenever I think "I should eat more today," I counteract it with "No, not yet, you didn't do that well yesterday. Just don't eat a lot today."
I haven't really been counting my calories, persay, but I've been keeping track of them in my head, and as far as I can tell, I've been eating about 800-1000 calories a day. Not low enough for me to really be concerned. I don't know. I think I'm okay. It's not that bad.

I'm not sure why I'm doing this again. I want to lose weight, of course, but that's really not my priority. I haven't even weighed myself in about a month. Yeah, I'm a little but thick, but I don't think I'm a huge shamoo or anything. It's like, when that doctor said that to me, it just made me panic. Don't get me wrong, that's exactly what he should have said, but it backfired. Him saying that to me...sort of made me want to do it more. Does that make sense? I don't know... I got some attention from him, and he was worried about me...and I want more of it. I know that sounds awful. But attention from men- particularly, older men- makes me so happy, whether it's from a doctor or from my friends dad. I want him to be worried about me. I want Galen to worry about me. Also, I've noticed I sort of like this more than I ever have. Of course, I was always a little weird about my eating but now, I want to not eat more than I want to eat.

And the hunger pangs- oh, the hunger pangs. I always have hunger pangs, whether I just ate fifteen minutes ago or I haven't eaten at all, so I figure "Why even eat in the first place? You'll just be hungry again fifteen minutes later! So you may as well just not eat anything." Not eating anything gets rid of the hunger pangs faster than eating, because if you just leave your stomach empty the hunger pangs eventually go away. And when I eat something I just think "Ugh. Now you're going to have the hunger pangs even worse!" Well, anyway, like I said, I'm not worried. I'm sure I'll be fine.

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