Wednesday, March 09, 2011

Sick and Tired

So far today, I have eaten a bite of a doughnut. I thought about eating an omelete or some oatmeal or a banana, but I just didn't want to. I opened the fridge and looked at the ingredients and just thought "Well, I ate a bite of donut, and that's really awful food. So I should not eat anything else for breakfast." Now I'm drinking coffee, thirty-five calories in it. That's okay. I can't help but wonder, can I go all day without eating? I probably can. If eating a little bit makes me happy, I can't help but wonder how happy not eating at all will make me.
I haven't weighed myself still. I don't want to see the number. I'm afraid that I've some how gained weight, and that will just be horrible if I have. 

I'm just so sick of eating, of food, of always having to think and obsess and wonder if something is healthy or not. I'm so fucking annoyed with everybody telling me different things, of thinking somethings healthy but having somebody else say "That's full of sugar!" There's so much conflicting information out there. Should I eat a lot of protien? A lot of fat? No carbs? An even balance of the three? I'm just so sick of it all! I'm so annoyed with food, healthy food, unhealthy food, it doesn't matter! I'm sick of the guilt I feel when I eat. I'm sick of feeling bad about myself when my friend mentions that she hasn't been eating much lately, and feeling like such a fatty. I'm so sick of my fat friend saying that she's the same size as me, and my best friend overeating with me late at night and laughing the next day at how unhealthy we are. I'm sick of wanting food, of dieting and dieting and exercising and not losing anything. I'm sick of my stubborn metabolism. 

I'm so fucking sick and tired of eating. 

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