Yesterday, I ate bites of things here and there. I was proud? I know I shouldn't be. I probably ate about 500 calories. I'm not sure. Today, I'm trying to eat a bit more. I ate an omelette this morning (200 calories), coffee (35) and a protien bar (110).
As I was eating, though, I found myself not enjoying the food, at all. The eggs and cheese tasted heavy, too rubbery, and the ketchup on top made it worse. The bread was better. It seems all my body really wants to eat is carbs...which makes sense, since carbs provide energy to the body.
Yesterday I went to grilled cheese Wednesday with my friends. I got a bit of salad, a few teaspoons of mac n' cheese, a couple of cookies, and a water. I couldn't eat the pasta. I could taste the butter they used in it, and the starches of the pasta and cheese made it all the less appealing. I threw it away. The salad was fine, and I ate a bite of the cookie and gave the rest to my friend. The weird thing was, I kept going back for another cookie, took a bite and gave the rest to my friend. I did this about three times. After one bite, I didn't want to eat the rest.
I'm not really sure why I'm acting like this so suddenly. It's like a switch went off in my head.
Should I just accept it? It's like there's something in my head- I won't call it "ana", because that seems silly, but it's telling me to just accept it. To not fight it, to not try to eat more. It's whispering in my ear, telling me to take the gift I've so suddenly been given. But is it really a gift? It seems like more of a curse. And I worry that if I "accept" it, it'll suddenly change and I'll want to eat again. It'll go away as quickly as it came.
It's funny because so many of you portray anorexia as lovely, as great. As something to be desired. You even call it "ana" and act like she's your friend...so many girls do that. So many girls want that in their lives, and want to be thin. But I've felt anorexia, not ana. I've felt what it's like to not want to eat. Not because you want to be thin...but because you feel like dying. Because your body just doesn't want any food. In the hospital, four years ago, after my car accident, I dropped down to a very low weight. I didn't want to be small, I just didn't want to eat. And now, I'm feeling that way again. I don't know why. What is it this time? The desire to be thin? The desire for attention? Why did it happen so suddenly? What is going on in my head? What's wrong with me?
I'm going to accept it. I want to accept it so badly. I want to lose weight suddenly and not be able to fit in my clothes. I have this desire to have somebody fret over me, just a bit. This sick desire to take away from my body. Although she's strong and she's made me live, She's held onto fat and created scars from small scratches. She's hurt me. She's been a bother to me, and while I love her, I hate her too. I want to punish her. I want to punish my body for what she's done to me. What's so unusual is that I don't think that I'm that fat and hideous. I think my body is pretty alright, actually. But...I don't know. I don't want to be alright. I don't want people to say "you're not fat, you're average sized. BUT if you WANT to lose weight, try such and such." NO! I want people to say "You're not fat. Don't try to lose any more weight." Meh. I don't know. I'm a selfish bitch. XD
I currently weigh 155 lbs. (I know, that's sort of heavy.)
My goal weight (for now) is 140. My short term goal weight is 149, and then 145. If it's possible for me to get to 140, I may go lower.
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