Ugh. Gained 3 lbs. since yesterday. It can't be real, though, must just be sodium bloat. I can't have eaten that many calories in one day. I'm going to fast as much as I can today and then weigh myself again tomorrow and we'll see.

I took an eating attitudes questionnaire. If you got a score more than 24, you were at a high risk of developing an eating disorder/already had one. I scored a 40. :(


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Even though I felt I ate a lot today (well, technically yesterday.) I don't think I did TOO badly. 2,000 calories tops. (I drank some wine since last post.) That sucks but...I shouldn't gain weight from it. I did a lot of walking today. And anyway, this should help my metabolism, right? So, it's actually sort of a good thing. And I'm not going to suddenly gain five lbs from eating a bit extra. I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I'm okay. *breathes*
Tomorrow is a new day...and what a good day it will be! I'm going to see Galen! (Name changed of course.) I'm the exact same weight as I was the last time saw him. That half sucks, but half owns. I was hoping I would be even hotter this time, but at least I'm not fatter than I was last time. And he thought I was hot last time, so...(And I don't question that he thinks I'm hot, because why would he even date me if he didn't?)
I'm nervous. I have to show him my scars this time. He knows what happened to me four years ago, and he knows I have scars, but I'm still really nervous about showing them. I'll be okay.

I'm staying up all night tonight. I'm going to see how long I can go without sleeping. I took uppers a couple of hours ago, so...
And I shouldn't be that exhausted tomorrow. We'll see.

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I'm so fat. The binge that I've been bracing for finally happened. :(
I feel like I'm going right back to where I started and I'm just going to binge myself into oblivion...even though I ate maybe 1600 calories, which isn't that awful. I mean, come on. I used to eat that much in a normal day. But that's just the problem...it's NORMAL. I don't want to be normal. Not any more.
Tomorrow is a new day. New start. I'm taking a laxative tonight and I'm restricting severely tomorrow. Wish me luck.


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Wow

150.6 lbs! I've lost almost five lbs. in just a few short weeks. And I hardly had to try. My friend is staying with me over spring break. She has an ED, and I spoke to her last night about what's been happening. I found it really interesting talking to her...but I wish she wouldn't do this to herself. I feel like it's okay for me to do it because I'm 150 lbs, but she's 105. She can't keep doing this to herself...she'll die eventually from this. And I don't want her to die. I don't want her to keep damaging her body this way.
But anyway, I'm tired right now. Just know that I'm in a really good mood because I'm 150 lbs. again.

I can't wait for my next therapy session.
To lie.
To spin fake fairy tales with my tongue, all about how I have been eating Healthier Than Ever and I've been exercising Four or Five Times A Week and I've already lost Five Lbs. The Healthy Way.
Forget about the therapists appointment, how about my next doctors appointment? That'll be great fun. Hopefully by then I'll be 145 lbs and I'll get to say the lies again and how the hypothyroidism treatment must be working.
I can't wait.


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Bracing

I'm bracing myself.
Getting ready for the binge. I know it's coming...I've been eating 300-800 calories a day for a week, not even intentially. The binge must come soon. I didn't used to be able to do anything even CLOSE to this: I used to binge after what, a half a day, one day of restriction. I used to have to eat at least two thousand calories every other day (the alternate day diet, remember? XD) to control my appetite. But now...I don't know. I felt as though I was going to binge all day today, but some how, I didn't. I just didn't want to. I take a couple of bites of something and...I'm done with it.

What's going on in my brain? It's like my body suddenly decided not to cooperate. Or...should that be cooperate? I don't know. I'll see what happens.

Things to Say

I'm reading this nifty blog at nomorepessimistic.xanga.com. I remember reading this site before and it would totally convince me to start eating healthy again- which is a good thing! However, now, when I read it, I have a few things to say about it.
She is right. There is a huge difference between crash dieting and anorexia- and a lot of "anas" are crash dieters. Wanting an eating disorder is stupid. Believing you can just "start" on an eating disorder is equally stupid. There is a lot of misconceptions out there about anorexia- and a majority of the public is ignorant.
The dangers of ANY eating disorder-anorexia, bulimia, COE, BE, EDNOS are serious and should never be made lightly of. An individual who suffers from a severe eating disorder is living in a hell. Their entire life is consumed by the ED.
However, I do NOT agree with the penchant that all individuals with an eating disorders WILL fall into severe anorexia. Yes, a diet or EDNOS can turn into severe anorexia, and they should be avoided at all costs- but not every single person who has EDNOS will starve themselves to death. EDNOS is a complicated diagnosis, and it is different for nearly every individual. There is no set behavior pattern for somebody with EDNOS, as anybody with an eating disorder should know. It is not impossible to live with an eating disorder.

Of course, the point is moot. Any individual with an eating disorder- EDNOS, anorexia, bulima, etc., is at danger to damage his/her body. Eating disorders should NEVER be encouraged.

152 lbs. Again.

Well, yesterday went well. I went to a restaurant with that guy and I got the Carribean salad...I didn't eat it though. It's too bad, because I really enjoy the Carribean salad. I told him it was because I was cold and the salad was cold, and I didn't want to make myself colder...which was half true, but still sort of stupid. I got a cup of coffee instead, and we went for a walk afterwards. Yay, I got my exercise in!
I weighed myself this morning. 151.8 lbs, so about 152 lbs. That's good, I haven't been less than 154 lbs in months...but I don't feel as excited as I should. Honestly though, what was I expecting? It's not like I'll magically be 140 lbs. or something! XD I'm glad to be back at 152 lbs, finally. I can see some weight loss in my face and legs. My face, especially, looks slimmer. I'm happy. My body is good.
Problem is, I'm really jittery now. My heart is beating fast and I'm shaking a bit. I think I'm just dehydrated, because my throat is really sore, and laxatives DO cause dehydration. Off to drink some water, and maybe ride my bicycle Later to get rid of some energy.

Come back, Followers. :(

Is anybody there? Are my followers still reading me? Am I alone? Did I scare you away?
I'm watching a video called "Extreme Diets" on youtube, and I feel like a lot of these diets that they go on...I don't know...I think that it's exaggerated. These medical professionals say "AS SOON as you stop eating you'll have this this and this." The women, they cry about how touchy they are, about how depressed they are, about all they can think about is food. I think that it may be a bit exaggerated in them, because they went straight from eating a completely normal diet to being "anorexic." They have a completely normal appetite, and they are totally normal. Of course it's going to fuck with them.
Don't get me wrong. Pro-ana diets are stupid and crash diets are stupid, and nobody should go on one. It's good that they are making these videos to show girls what happens. But it is a bit exaggerated for them. I can say that for me, since my appetite died and I started eating less, I've actually been happier. I've had the same amount of energy and nobody has noticed a mood change in me.
Anyway, today I had a bite of a donut (literally one bite), a coffee, some popcorn, a cookie, and a few crackers. That's about 300-350 calories total. The popcorn was pretty good, actually. I took some laxatives a bit ago because I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow (I'm just finishing my period.) Wish me luck, ladies!

Later...
Going out with a guy tonight. I'm not all that interested in dating him but...I'll humor him. I took some uppers a little bit a go and I'm in a really good mood.

Reading my last few posts I realized that I sound angry, unhappy. I'm not unhappy: I'm very happy. I'm happier than I've ever been. I'm proud of myself. I'm excited for the future. I want to sing off the rooftops and climb mountains and fall in love and smoke weed. I'm alive.

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I don't know why I fucking forced myself to eat today. I didn't want to ruin my metabolism I guess. But I literally had to force myself to eat, and I could have been perfectly fucking fine on a few bites here and there. I feel terrible. I probably ate close to 1500 cals today. Ugh.
Went out to a pizza bar with my siblings. I didn't want to eat any pizza, because it all tasted gross. I have been to this pizza parlour before (my nieces birthday last year) and I ate a lot then...but I never realised how gross it is. Ugh. Did any of you ever notice how much like snot pizza tastes? And it's like I could taste the fat and empty calories crawling into my blood stream to tuck themselves away into my fat stores. I had a tiny bite of one slice of pizza and threw the other two pieces away, ate salad, and a couple of bites grabbed from the others plates, and a bit of candy after.

I swear, I will never force myself to eat 3 400 calorie meals ever again. I feel awful.


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