I binged. Again. That's twice this week. I've just felt so shitty recently...it's like I can't get my mood and eating under control for the last week. I don't know. I'm going to take vyvanse tomorrow to help kick-start a three-day liquid fast. And then, after that, I'm starting a new diet. I made a new diet plan to help take care of my body. I'm going to eat 300-900 calories a day, and I'm going to stop eating sooooo much candy. I'm also going to start drinking more water to help fight against bloat...I don't want to binge any more. Please, lords have mercy on my SOUL, don't make me binge any more!

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BTW- Vyvanse is an ADD medication. It's essentially just speed, but it's slow release. The side effects are euphoria and appetite loss. :3

I stayed home from school today. I didn't feel well at all, and I slept in until 10:00. I drank some hot chocolate this morning because I didn't have any coffee, which is unfortunately 130 calories. :( I was hoping for zero calories today...but that's okay, if I restrict for the rest of the week I should be okay...
I want to be less than 150 lbs by the end of the week...please, let me get there.

Please give me the strength to do this. Give me the self-control to make it through another week without a binge. Give me the will to get below 150 lbs. Give me the ability to starve on.

If I continue losing weight at this rate (however slightly slow it is!) I'll lose 15 lbs in three months. Maybe not super-sonic, but better than nothing.

Ate a lot today. I wouldn't call it a "binge" since it wasn't over 2,000 calories (a binge is defined as being over 2500 calories) but it was DEFINITELY VERY disappointing. My weight this morning? 150.2 lbs. Ugh. I need to restrict better. My binges have been setting me back. But I'm still glad to see the number, after begging and pleading to be back to it for three months. I want to be less than 150 lbs. Before the week is out. I don't know if I can do it, but I'll certainly try.
I'm planning on not eating tomorrow to make up for my over-eating today. And for the rest of the week, I'm going to restrict as much as I possibly can. Wish me luck!


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I'm feeling so much better now. I don't know what was wrong with me but...I'm doing better. I hung out with my best friend, we made a picnic, rode bikes, and did a lot of talking, so I feel a lot better. Problem, she noticed my weight loss. It's so weird. I only lost five lbs, but she was like "You look like you've lost a lot of weight." She also noticed my eating. When I urged her to eat more, she said "Whatever, Candice. All you had was a small slice of pizza and a 100 calorie salad today." Shit, what the fuck? She's the FOURTH one of my friends to notice! What the hell! It's like they're all so fucking hyperaware of what I put in my mouth. Jesus titty christ guys. Stop being so obsessed with what I eat...unfortunately, now I have to figure out lies to tell all of them so they'll get off my ass about it. I just said to them "Yeah, I haven't had much of an appetite recently, it's really odd." But then, unfortunately, my friend Lorilei saw my test results for an eating disorder questionarre on my phone and said "Candice, take care of yourself better." Ugh. What the hell? What are the chances that she would just happen to see that over my shoulder? Whatever. I've decided, I'm going to tell her and my other friend, Michele, that I'm fine. I just wasn't feeling well and I've started eating more...And I'm going to pack a full (300 calorie) lunch, make sure to make a show of eating it in front of them and bring two "snacks." (that I will give away.) so that it'll look like I'm eating normally. That should get them off my ass. And when it comes to Morgan (best friend, spend a lot of time with her) I guess I'll just have to eat as normally as possible when I hang out with her...maybe I can get away with 1000, 1200 calories.

Numb

I feel so numb. I feel empty. I just don't feel...I'm tired and I just don't want to move. I'm so numb. I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm not depressed...I just can't feel any emotion at all. Sadness happiness excitement...I just can't feel it right now. I don't know what is wrong with me.
I have this huge desire to binge. I want to binge, binge binge. I want to eat cinnamon rolls and veggie burgers and hot chocolate and french fries and everything I can get my hands on because I'm so hungry but I don't want to eat anything because it's all so disgusting. But I want to feel something, taste something, anything. I don't know what is wrong with me. I can't binge, I can't I can't I can;t. I overdosed on benadryl yesterday, trying to feel something, wandered around in a cloud for four hours. I got lost in my school parking lot- that was fun XD- and just couldn't differentiate between reality and fantasy. It was weird.
I'm going to take Vyvanse. Kill my appetite so I won't binge, and I'll actually feel something.

Life is so freaking Lifey

Galen "broke up" with me. I put that in quotes because we didn't really have that much of a relationship in the first place, so there's really nothing to "break up." And, we are still going to see each other the next time he's in my town...so basically, this is the exact same situation we were in! Only I suppose, this way he doesn't feel obligated? I don't know. Meh. It's not a big deal.
This just gives me another reason to lose weight...make him want me even more. XD
I overate today, btw. About 2000 calories. Whatever. I'm too tired to give a shit right now.

I know this sounds awful but...another reason this give me inspiration to lose a ton of weight is because I want him to see my a few months from now and get a twinge of worry. I want him to look at me and say, what happened? I want him to watch me eating and worry a bit...not that he wouldn't if we were officially bf and gf or anything, but there's something awfully delicious about making him worry when we AREN'T together...like "haha, you still care about me even though we aren't together! haha!" I know that sounds awful...

Btw- I think I'm going to try going vegan. Or, as vegan as I can go. I know my family will think it's totally ridiculous, and my mom is already really suspicious of my eating. So I'm not going to TELL them I'm going vegan, but I'm going to stop eating as many animal products as I possibly can. That'll eliminate even more food choices! Whoooten!

I'm Tired

Last few days have been okay. I ate a package of cookies and cheese popcorn with my friend Kennedy back on saturday, because I really wanted her to eat and I knew she wouldn't if I wouldn't. Last few days I haven't been eating much, 500-800 calories a day ish. Yesterday I did alright...but I drank four beers last night and got a little, and I know that beer has a lot of calories in it. I'm estimating my actual food intake yesterday to be about 800 calories and there are 148 calories in the beer I drank, so my daily total was 1400 ish calories yesterday. Meh, that's okay. I haven't weighed myself recently. I guess I will later. Wish me luck.
Tired.

Galen, Scars, and Somnolence

I hung out with Galen* yesterday. Just went to his house to see him. Does it count as a date if we didn't leave the house or eat or really do anything productive at all? We just made out. Made out in my car, made out in his living room, made out in his bedroom, made out in his hallway on the way to the kitchen, made out in the kitchen, made out in the shed in his back yard...XD
It took me so long to build up the courage to take off my dress. I wanted to so badly, obviously, but the whole time I just...couldn't do it. By the time I mentioned it to him, the people that are fixing up his house showed up, so we had to find some where else. (that explains the shed in his back yard.) That's where I took off the dress.
It took me awhile. I kept explaining to him why it was so hard for me, and of course he kept saying, "It's nothing. Your scars aren't going to change my opinion of you. You're scars are beautiful because they're a part of you." I believed him, but...it was still difficult. Well, long story short, I showed him my scars, and he didn't care. I had to leave shortly afterwards, but I was glad that I got over the scar barrier. That will make it so much easier next time.

Last time I went on a date with him, I found his intense liking for me to be very inspiring. To be healthy, I mean. I thought, he thinks I'm beautiful even at this weight, so why should I try to lose more weight? I should just be happy with myself the way I am!
But this time, my reaction completely changed. He still likes me just the way I am and everything, but instead of using that as an excuse not to change, I'm using that as an excuse to change. I mean, if he thinks I'm beautiful the way I am now, how beautiful will he think I am when I'm 10 lbs. slimmer?

But, problem. As you know, I'm hanging out with my friend Kennedy*, who is a "recovering" anoretic. She's scarily slim, and I always encourage her to eat more. I've been trying to eat a more balanced diet with her around because I don't want to trigger her, but of course I talked to her about it and of course she noticed my eating patterns. Last night she asked me what I had eaten that day, and I told her, (ashamed of myself because I had eaten way more than I should have.) Three pieces of candy for breakfast, coffee, three more pieces of candy in the car, some juice at Galens house, three MORE pieces of candy on the way back from Galens house (It's fourty five minutes away), a piece of cornbread and some honey, and a mini pizza. About 1300 calories. She said to me, "No offense, but you're stressing me out. You're picking up some anorexic eating habits, and it's scaring me. I don't want you to do this to yourself because you're beautiful just the way you are. I want you to be healthy." :( I remember a time when that would have made me say, "Oh my gosh she's right. I should start being healthy again." But now...it's like I just can't do it. I just can't. I can't say "Oh em gee, I'm unhealthy what am I doing to myself!" Because I'm 150 lbs. I have way too much fat to be in danger. I just feel like, it's okay for me because I could go awhile without eating. I know that's a stupid thing to say because starving yourself is unhealthy no matter what size you are, but...I still can't. I just can't make myself eat again. It's sort of frightening.

I feel so bad. I didn't eat anything too awful today...but I wish I hadn't eaten that bite of doughnut. I may have eaten about 800 calories. I need to get control of myself. I can't take bites of things any more. Bites add up.
Unfortunately, my friends and I are going to Cinnabon tomorrow- specifically to eat a lot. Please, I want to stay sane. I know I'll cry if I eat too much tomorrow. I want to stay inside myself. I have to stay sane tomorrow. Control myself.

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Ugh. Gained 3 lbs. since yesterday. It can't be real, though, must just be sodium bloat. I can't have eaten that many calories in one day. I'm going to fast as much as I can today and then weigh myself again tomorrow and we'll see.

I took an eating attitudes questionnaire. If you got a score more than 24, you were at a high risk of developing an eating disorder/already had one. I scored a 40. :(


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Even though I felt I ate a lot today (well, technically yesterday.) I don't think I did TOO badly. 2,000 calories tops. (I drank some wine since last post.) That sucks but...I shouldn't gain weight from it. I did a lot of walking today. And anyway, this should help my metabolism, right? So, it's actually sort of a good thing. And I'm not going to suddenly gain five lbs from eating a bit extra. I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I'm okay. *breathes*
Tomorrow is a new day...and what a good day it will be! I'm going to see Galen! (Name changed of course.) I'm the exact same weight as I was the last time saw him. That half sucks, but half owns. I was hoping I would be even hotter this time, but at least I'm not fatter than I was last time. And he thought I was hot last time, so...(And I don't question that he thinks I'm hot, because why would he even date me if he didn't?)
I'm nervous. I have to show him my scars this time. He knows what happened to me four years ago, and he knows I have scars, but I'm still really nervous about showing them. I'll be okay.

I'm staying up all night tonight. I'm going to see how long I can go without sleeping. I took uppers a couple of hours ago, so...
And I shouldn't be that exhausted tomorrow. We'll see.

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