Punishment

Yesterday, I ate bites of things here and there. I was proud? I know I shouldn't be. I probably ate about 500 calories. I'm not sure. Today, I'm trying to eat a bit more. I ate an omelette this morning (200 calories), coffee (35) and a protien bar (110).
As I was eating, though, I found myself not enjoying the food, at all. The eggs and cheese tasted heavy, too rubbery, and the ketchup on top made it worse. The bread was better. It seems all my body really wants to eat is carbs...which makes sense, since carbs provide energy to the body.

Yesterday I went to grilled cheese Wednesday with my friends. I got a bit of salad, a few teaspoons of mac n' cheese, a couple of cookies, and a water. I couldn't eat the pasta. I could taste the butter they used in it, and the starches of the pasta and cheese made it all the less appealing. I threw it away. The salad was fine, and I ate a bite of the cookie and gave the rest to my friend. The weird thing was, I kept going back for another cookie, took a bite and gave the rest to my friend. I did this about three times. After one bite, I didn't want to eat the rest.

I'm not really sure why I'm acting like this so suddenly. It's like a switch went off in my head.
Should I just accept it? It's like there's something in my head- I won't call it "ana", because that seems silly, but it's telling me to just accept it. To not fight it, to not try to eat more. It's whispering in my ear, telling me to take the gift I've so suddenly been given. But is it really a gift? It seems like more of a curse. And I worry that if I "accept" it, it'll suddenly change and I'll want to eat again. It'll go away as quickly as it came.

It's funny because so many of you portray anorexia as lovely, as great. As something to be desired. You even call it "ana" and act like she's your friend...so many girls do that. So many girls want that in their lives, and want to be thin. But I've felt anorexia, not ana. I've felt what it's like to not want to eat. Not because you want to be thin...but because you feel like dying. Because your body just doesn't want any food. In the hospital, four years ago, after my car accident, I dropped down to a very low weight. I didn't want to be small, I just didn't want to eat. And now, I'm feeling that way again. I don't know why. What is it this time? The desire to be thin? The desire for attention? Why did it happen so suddenly? What is going on in my head? What's wrong with me?

I'm going to accept it. I want to accept it so badly. I want to lose weight suddenly and not be able to fit in my clothes. I have this desire to have somebody fret over me, just a bit. This sick desire to take away from my body. Although she's strong and she's made me live, She's held onto fat and created scars from small scratches. She's hurt me. She's been a bother to me, and while I love her, I hate her too. I want to punish her. I want to punish my body for what she's done to me. What's so unusual is that I don't think that I'm that fat and hideous. I think my body is pretty alright, actually. But...I don't know. I don't want to be alright. I don't want people to say "you're not fat, you're average sized. BUT if you WANT to lose weight, try such and such." NO! I want people to say "You're not fat. Don't try to lose any more weight." Meh. I don't know. I'm a selfish bitch. XD

I currently weigh 155 lbs. (I know, that's sort of heavy.)
My goal weight (for now) is 140. My short term goal weight is 149, and then 145. If it's possible for me to get to 140, I may go lower.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sick and Tired

So far today, I have eaten a bite of a doughnut. I thought about eating an omelete or some oatmeal or a banana, but I just didn't want to. I opened the fridge and looked at the ingredients and just thought "Well, I ate a bite of donut, and that's really awful food. So I should not eat anything else for breakfast." Now I'm drinking coffee, thirty-five calories in it. That's okay. I can't help but wonder, can I go all day without eating? I probably can. If eating a little bit makes me happy, I can't help but wonder how happy not eating at all will make me.

I haven't weighed myself still. I don't want to see the number. I'm afraid that I've some how gained weight, and that will just be horrible if I have. 

I'm just so sick of eating, of food, of always having to think and obsess and wonder if something is healthy or not. I'm so fucking annoyed with everybody telling me different things, of thinking somethings healthy but having somebody else say "That's full of sugar!" There's so much conflicting information out there. Should I eat a lot of protien? A lot of fat? No carbs? An even balance of the three? I'm just so sick of it all! I'm so annoyed with food, healthy food, unhealthy food, it doesn't matter! I'm sick of the guilt I feel when I eat. I'm sick of feeling bad about myself when my friend mentions that she hasn't been eating much lately, and feeling like such a fatty. I'm so sick of my fat friend saying that she's the same size as me, and my best friend overeating with me late at night and laughing the next day at how unhealthy we are. I'm sick of wanting food, of dieting and dieting and exercising and not losing anything. I'm sick of my stubborn metabolism. 

I'm so fucking sick and tired of eating. 

I'm Back.

I'm back.
Sigh.
Of course.
I tried doing the whole  "1400-1800 calories a day plus exercise" thing, but...I didn't lose weight. I didn't really notice any difference at all. I said, of course not, I'll just keep trying. Well, I went to a doctor a while ago and he told me not to obsess, to eat healthy and exercise. He told me not to count calories any more, and to not exercise obsessively. He basically told me that I was healthy and that I didn't really need to lose weight, and I should just work on being as healthy as I can. Well, I panicked. I tried to stop counting calories, and I actually didn't for about a week...but, at the end of every day, I felt disappointed in myself. I would say, "I didn't eat healthy enough today. I have to do better tomorrow." And I would try to eat healthy without counting calories, but I either I counted calories in my head or I felt gross. I went to lunch with my friend Colin and told him about what my doctor said, and Colin said "Well, just stop it when it gets dangerous, then," like it was so obvious. I mean, just the way he said it, like it was so obviously not dangerous yet, and how I should starve myself because I'm so fat. I mean, I know that's not what he meant but...that's what it felt like. Well, then I went to my psychiatrist and she renewed my perscription to Vyvanse and...that's sort of where things have gone downhill. I haven't really had much of an appetite. I just don't want to eat anything. It's like, I don't want to eat unhealthy because I'm afraid to gain weight, so I want to find something healthy...but nothing really seems healthy enough. I eat bites of things here and there, maybe a bit of a doughnut, a salad, a granola bar or some nuts, but the bites of anything unhealthy makes me feel bad, so I think "As long as I don't eat a lot I should still be okay." I've taken Vyvanse a couple of times, but even when I don't take it, I just have no appetite. I thought about doing the alternate day diet again, since that seemed to work pretty well, but whenever I think "I should eat more today," I counteract it with "No, not yet, you didn't do that well yesterday. Just don't eat a lot today."
I haven't really been counting my calories, persay, but I've been keeping track of them in my head, and as far as I can tell, I've been eating about 800-1000 calories a day. Not low enough for me to really be concerned. I don't know. I think I'm okay. It's not that bad.

I'm not sure why I'm doing this again. I want to lose weight, of course, but that's really not my priority. I haven't even weighed myself in about a month. Yeah, I'm a little but thick, but I don't think I'm a huge shamoo or anything. It's like, when that doctor said that to me, it just made me panic. Don't get me wrong, that's exactly what he should have said, but it backfired. Him saying that to me...sort of made me want to do it more. Does that make sense? I don't know... I got some attention from him, and he was worried about me...and I want more of it. I know that sounds awful. But attention from men- particularly, older men- makes me so happy, whether it's from a doctor or from my friends dad. I want him to be worried about me. I want Galen to worry about me. Also, I've noticed I sort of like this more than I ever have. Of course, I was always a little weird about my eating but now, I want to not eat more than I want to eat.

And the hunger pangs- oh, the hunger pangs. I always have hunger pangs, whether I just ate fifteen minutes ago or I haven't eaten at all, so I figure "Why even eat in the first place? You'll just be hungry again fifteen minutes later! So you may as well just not eat anything." Not eating anything gets rid of the hunger pangs faster than eating, because if you just leave your stomach empty the hunger pangs eventually go away. And when I eat something I just think "Ugh. Now you're going to have the hunger pangs even worse!" Well, anyway, like I said, I'm not worried. I'm sure I'll be fine.

Goodbye.

I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of being unhappy and comparing myself to other people. I'm fucking sick and tired of thinking that if I don't restrict, I'm weak and fat. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of having BDD and relapsing into it, and finding solace in this blog and other blogs and thinking it's okay to do this to myself. I want to recover. I want to be better. I don't want to do this any more. I don't give a flying fuck if I have a diagnosis of EDNOS or not. I don't care if I have a "real" eating disorder or not. This is retarded. I'm sick of it. I don't want to be sick. I'm sorry. I'm leaving. Call me weak. Call me stupid. Feel like you're better than I am because you are ana. But you're not. I want health and I can't fully embrace it knowing this blog is here. Goodbye.

I'm stuck.

I'm trapped. This is frustrating. I want to lose weight but I don't know what to do.
Starve? Fast?
Eat?
2000 calories today or 500? Both? Neither?
Exercise.
Thinspo.
Fat.
Thin.
Fast.
Eat.
I don't know what to do.
I'm going to die not knowing what to do. I can't stand not losing weight but I can't stand starving myself. I like food. Sometimes I eat a lot. Sometimes I don't eat enough. I don't know what to do.
I'm stuck.

I am not happy. I am fat. I am fat and I am most certainly NOT happy. I tried changing in different ways- I tried eating really healthy and not obsess and exercise everyday and where has that gotten me? NO WHERE. The only time I can remember losing weight is when I was alt fasting. And now, I just don't have the will power for it. I tried doing it and couldn't do it, as you've read, and I said "Oh well it's not healthy anyway! I'm going to be healthy from now on! Yeah!" but you know what? It is perfectly healthy for an overweight person to do. So, I'm trying again. I can't stop trying. I have protein shakes, protein bars, and cereals to help me. I WILL do this. I will find the will power to lose these pounds.
Food journal-
Breakfast
Health shake- 130
Nutrigrain bar- 130
Lunch-
1 slice of toast and cheese- 60
1 Bowl of salad- 280
Snacks-
1/2 Bowl of cereal- 100
Dinner- protien shake- 190
Totalish- 1175
Exercise- aerobics- 100
Biking- 400

Sorry I'm sort of in a rush.



- Posted from the outside world.

More weight loss! Whew. I think that this reduced exercise program is working. :D I did 45 minutes on the stationary bike yesterday, 30 minutes on the wii fit, 20 sit ups and 30 push aways. Today I'm doing 30 minutes of aerobic exercise (light impact) and 20 sit ups and 30 push aways. I felt really great last night- I followed my diet plan perfectly, except for that bag of nuts. 300 calories of just nuts! That's fucking ridiculous, but I ran out of energy at about 3 and the nuts were the closest thing. Anyway, today I packed a smaller bag of nuts in my back back so hopefully that won't happen again.

Weight Loss :)

Well, my weight has gone down a couple of lbs. That's a good sign, because that means that my weight is finally starting to drop.
My short term goal is 153 by January 11th; I'm starting my adjusted diet today, so hopefully it'll help me lose weight. I decided that I'm not going to eat under 1300 calories on any given day. I know it seems retarded, since I AM overweight and it just makes sense that the less I eat the more weight I would lose, but in the past eating 1200 calories just didn't work for me. Eating 1300-1500 calories seems to be the best way to avoid binging, and it gives me more energy to exercise.
Today I'm eating about 1300 calories.

Breakfast-
Carnation Instant Breakfast- 200
Coffee Creamer- 30
230

Snack- Fiber Bar
130

Lunch-
1 Cup Special K Cereal- 130
1/2 cup milk- 50
1 Apple
250

Snack-
Packaged nuts- 300

Dinner-
Avocado Cheese Veggie Burger- 340
Fudge pop- 40

Weight gain

I've gained more weight. I feel awful. I weigh 158 lbs. How...?
I measured myself and haven't gained any inches...40-30-40. Same as when I was 153/155. I'm assuming it's muscle, since I've been exercising so much. So I've decided that every other day, I'm going to to aerobic exercise for only 30 minutes. You know, walking, yoga, something easy. I think maybe that'll give my body time to burn off fat instead of building muscle. I'm going to keep drinking a meal replacement drink (200 cals) for breakfast but I'm going to eat 100 calorie snacks 2 times a day, and eat 400 cal meals for lunch and dinner. Sigh.
I'm so sick of gaining weight. Why am I gaining? I should be LOSING. I'm doing everything right.


I ate 1700 calories today and exercised off the 200 calories excess so I wouldn't gain. I'm going to continue dieting and exercising though, just today I need a bit of a break. I'm adjusting my diet to facilitate weight loss, and read up on the Special K diet and the Slim Fast diet, thought about what has worked in the past, and nutrition. Here is my adjusted diet plan-
(Some days 1300 calories, some day 1700, some in between.)
Breakfast- Breakfast Shake
(10:00 am) Snack- Fiber Bar/Apple
(12:00 pm) Lunch- Bowl of Cereal and yogurt
(3:00 pm) Snack- Fiber Bar/Cottage Cheese
(6:00 pm) Dinner- 500 calorie meal.
Exercise (2 hours one day, 30 min the next)
(adjust for calories)

I want these adjustments to work. I want to see the weight come off. I'm hoping that a changed exercise and diet program will work. I've begun keeping a food journal again and will start setting alarms on my phone. I want these changes to work.

Goals- get back to 150 lbs by the 28th of January.
Get to 145 by 28 of February.

Today

Forgot to do my food journal yesterday, but I can tell you that I ate 1545 calories and exercised for three hours.

Food Journal
Intake
Breakfast-
Carnation Instant Breakfast- 190
Coffee Creamer- 30
220

Lunch-
1 Kashi Chocolate and Nuts Bar- 120
1 Grilled Cheese Sandwich- 190
1/2 cup Split Pea Soup- 82.5
1 strawberry chocolate parfait- 120
512

I've decided something!
Even though I love eating a healthy, balanced diet, I really want to lose weight faster. So, on top of increasing my bike riding to 15 miles a day, I'm going to start drinking a smoothies for breakfast instead of a full meal, then eating healthy, balanced meals for my other two. my smoothie will consist of protein powder, fiber, and maybe fruit, soy milk, or some other additive for flavor.

- Posted from the outside world.